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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They've announced their pregnancy

178 replies

isthisok22 · 14/09/2021 14:49

Not sure if my emotions are getting the better of me.

We lost a pregnancy earlier this year a friends and family know. We are now staying in Scotland with DHs parents and siblings and 3 of his friends. It's the first time we've seen PIL since it happened.

One friend and wife have chosen now to announce that they are pregnant to us / the group / social media.

Every conversation they start is around their baby and how's she feeling and what she can and can't eat and how exciting it is and I feel quite upset. We've seen them lots this summer and I don't know why now seemed like the best time. Their own parents don't even know.

All the talk about oh I felt like this at week 5 and this at week 10 is infuriating because I was pregnant for 14 weeks and felt all those things but because the pregnancy ended it's like it didn't count and everyone has forgotten I experienced it all too.

OP posts:
MyCatDribbles · 14/09/2021 15:28

Wow they’re extremely insensitive and you’re right to be pissed off and upset. I would be too.
I’ve been on both sides of this and I’m extremely sensitive to others feelings around pregnancy announcement and is why I always text the news first and never tell people to their face if I think it might hurt them.

saraclara · 14/09/2021 15:28

@ZoyaTheDestroyer

That's insensitive of them. Is there a trusted member of the party who could take them to one side and remind them of the context?
That. I didn't realise for a while that you're actually altogether on holiday right now.

I'm surprised that no one's already suggested to them that they tone it down a bit.

frazzledasarock · 14/09/2021 15:31

@nomoneytreehere

I'm really sorry for your loss and I very much hope you go on to have a child. But you are being terribly unreasonable. What would you prefer, that they had suffered the same loss as you? Or that they were plagued with infertility? Or is it that you just don't want them to share their joy? What about when you hopefully go on to have a child. Will you keep quiet in case you upset someone? I would hope not, all new life is a tremendous gift and a celebration.

Your loss will, sadly, now always be a part of you though.

That is such a horrible and mena comment.

OP said no such thing.

clearly there are some utterly vile women on here who would happily cause their friend unnecessary pain. Because they can 'share their joy'. It's not sharing job it's purposefully hurting a recently bereaved couple.

theworldsbiggestcrocodile · 14/09/2021 15:32

I'm sorry for your loss Op. this has happened to me twice, both times those pregnant had the sensitivity of a brick but I felt I couldn't say anything to anyone as that would be seen as being bitter and casting aspersions on their good news. I was happy for them but I found it very hard personally and even harder that no one acknowledged that. I don't think it would be hard in this day and age when there is so much more awareness around the issue for people to have a bit of thought.

I hope you are ok. Go off for a walk if you want a cry-what you are feeling is normal and don't let anyone tell you otherwise

Bluntness100 · 14/09/2021 15:33

Does she understand how you feel? She may not understand how hurt you are. The fact you are all on holiday wirh the inlaws indicates this is a very close relationship so the announcement timing is fine

As others said, she’s allowed to celebrate. However if it’s too much for you then just have a quiet word, or end the holiday and leave early.

christinarossetti19 · 14/09/2021 15:34

[quote isthisok22]@noctu not on holiday with our family? Perhaps to their own families first?[/quote]
Yes, indeed, that would have been considerably more a. what you usually do ie own family b. sensitive.

While there is no good time to hear about others' pregnancies after you've had a loss, there are better and worse ways for others to break their news.

Announcing it in a group with you there is insensitive. Banging on about it at every opportunity is crass.

I do get what you mean about them somehow parading their pregnancy as a 'win' over you. Even if it's not conscious, it's not innocent as they know your situation.

I'm sorry for your loss OP and hope that the future brings you joy.

MyCatDribbles · 14/09/2021 15:36

Lots of people asking what the couple were supposed to do.
Well they should share the news privately, by text preferably, and then not bring up baby talk in the presence of the OP, who is no doubt still grieving.

I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant after a stillbirth and a miscarriage all in the last year and have had to endure some terribly insensitive pregnancy announcements. But there were also some friends who did it perfectly too, factually and by text and then just left it at that.

bjjgirl · 14/09/2021 15:38

Sorry for your loss

However, yabu, but your pain is understandable.

Peach1886 · 14/09/2021 15:39

I agree with @WorkingItOutAsIGo, do not fake a smile and grit your teeth, allow yourself to be honest about how much what they are doing is hurting...it's very true that you don't know how bad a mc hurts until you've had one, but even the most self-absorbed princess could surely have realised that she's rubbing your nose in it...most unfair. Take care of yourself Flowers

Enough4me · 14/09/2021 15:45

Some posters on here basically saying suck it up are making me so fed up for you OP, I honestly wonder if they would genuinely be like that IRL. Being considerate costs nothing and who likes a show off.

I agree about you putting you first and you cry when you need to. If they get a win from that they are even more sad individuals ditch them.

Derbee · 14/09/2021 15:45

I can’t believe so many people are saying they’ve done nothing wrong!

The worst part for me is saying “we didn’t know how to tell you” in front of the whole group. That is so unnecessary and upsetting.

Unfortunately, people are always going to announce their pregnancies and be excited. But if your friend has had a quite recent loss, a large public announcement, and constant pregnancy talk is hurtful, unnecessary and self centred.

I don’t think they’re really able to be counted as good friends, as good friends would have told you in advance, privately rather than in a large group. A good friend would also never single you out in a group to point out how difficult you might find it.

I’m so sorry OP, and I wish people were more sympathetic

Derbee · 14/09/2021 15:46

Also, a mutual friend should have taken the couple aside and pointed out how insensitive they’re being! I absolutely wouldn’t be able to keep quiet.

An announcement is one thing, but constant bloody baby/pregnancy talk in front of you is unnecessary and selfish

wiltonism · 14/09/2021 15:49

I think what some people are missing here is that they announced it at a time when a) you couldn't get away for a weep and b) are STUCK WITH THEM. And that they now won't shut up.

I have had three miscarriages and was so wrung out and upset after each one that, in your situation, I would have murdered someone. Or at very least gone home.

Please, do leave if you want to and if you don't, be upset as much as you like. And they are not your friends.

HesterShaw1 · 14/09/2021 15:51

I'm really sorry OP. It's so hurtful.

Yes your friends have a right to be happy and excited, but if I were them, I would be mindful of other people's feelings too.

I think something takes people over, to be honest. I have a friend who had fertility problems for years (as did I) and we used to empathise with and support one another. She finally got lucky with her IVF twice, and it was as though those times of hurt and heartbreak had never been. I don't blame her for it of course. But it still stung.

Flowers for you.

Starlight39 · 14/09/2021 15:52

YANBU - they could easily have told you quietly by text sooner, even just a few days would have helped but they told you in person on holiday and took away your chance to quietly digest and have your own sad moment. then to compound all that, they're going on about it at every opportunity. It's beyond unreasonable of them and verging on cruel imo. I'd be really rethinking the friendship, especially given they have shown some strange competitive behaviour before.

MrsDoctorDear · 14/09/2021 15:52

I wouldn't count these as friends, both are being totally heartless going on about it.

You don't need 'friends' like these. Flowers

ViciousJackdaw · 14/09/2021 15:53

@isthisok22

They've always been strangely competitive with us and this feels like some sort of 'win' for them to announce it in this way. They said in front of everyone they didn't know how to tell us but tbh I feel like this was the worst way.
I know you must be feeling dreadful and with good reason too but you'd have to be a really, really nasty canute to engage in oneupmanship over this.
seethecolours · 14/09/2021 15:53

That is really insensitive, we went on holiday with friends who had a recent loss and avoided discussing our newly announced pregnancy during the holiday. I would assume they don’t have any experience of friends who have experienced loss, I think mentioning to them that you’re happy for them but you would rather they didn’t talk about it around you right now would be a reasonable thing to do.

Shamoo · 14/09/2021 15:53

They are dickheads OP. I’ve been there in terms of pregnancy loss and had friends who were also pregnant. They were careful when they told me and managed it really carefully. They also had their joy on Facebook and (I’m sure) with other friends and family, which of course was fine. But they were sensitive with me and I love them for that.

Honestly, some pregnant people become so self absorbed they can’t understand that their news can be anything other than absolutely amazing for everybody in the whole world. Or that we don’t all want to hear every single part of it. But it makes them absolute tools.

I would, as you are, grit my teeth and get through it. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. And then when I got home I would have nothing more to do with them.

Reallybadidea · 14/09/2021 15:54

They might have a "right" to be excited but I personally think that decent human beings try and consider how their behaviour might affect other people's feelings.

I'm really sorry OP, maybe try and keep out of their way and do nice things with you and your DH. Flowers

Starlight39 · 14/09/2021 15:54

Also, sorry for your loss Flowers. I've had 3 miscarriages and it's so hard. How are PIL and other friends responding to the constant pregnancy chat? It sounds like it would be really awkward for them, I'd just be cringing inside and really worried about your feelings if I was there.

Shamoo · 14/09/2021 15:56

Ps I had very close friends who were pregnant the same time as they knew we were struggling. The endless comments of “get on with it, times ticking” and questions about what our plans were when I know they knew we were trying has damaged our friendship forever. They still don’t get it. I can’t be bothered trying to explain.

Spottybluepyjamas · 14/09/2021 15:56

As hard as it is for you (and I really do understand - I've lost several pregnancies), this is their time now and they don't have to keep you at the forefront of their thoughts.

They don't have an obligation to tell people at 12 weeks, I'm 16 weeks and still haven't told many people - it's a personal decision and it might have just been the most convenient time for them. They also might have told people now because it'll be obvious if she's not drinking etc, or if she's early to bed most nights. Plus it's easier to tell a group for some people than individually.

Maybe she handled it wrongly in your eyes, but she's excited, and rightly so. She isn't obliged to follow a protocol of who to tell first - I didn't tell my family until way after my friends but it's a personal choice.

That being said, I do know that it's hard to hear someone being so excited about something you desperately want and I hope you're ok. I would hope that my friend would tell me privately first, but some people aren't like that.

HerculesMulligan · 14/09/2021 15:57

Honestly, OP, fuck 'em. They don't deserve your friendship or your stoicism. That would be the end of the friendship for me.

Highfivemum · 14/09/2021 15:57

I am so sorry for your loss. Your friends have every right to be happy but I agree that they are being very insensitive to you.

Some people don’t know how to be after someone has a loss like you. I did the total wrong thing after my friend had to terminate her baby due to severe issues and I was pregnant at the time. I didn’t know wot to do or say and I felt guilty as my bump grew and obviously hers did not. I chose to avoid her which I know feel was awful and still feel bad about. We all handle things differently. Try not to take it personally.
Best wishes. 💐