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Original poster

They've announced their pregnancy

178 replies

isthisok22 · 14/09/2021 14:49

Not sure if my emotions are getting the better of me.

We lost a pregnancy earlier this year a friends and family know. We are now staying in Scotland with DHs parents and siblings and 3 of his friends. It's the first time we've seen PIL since it happened.

One friend and wife have chosen now to announce that they are pregnant to us / the group / social media.

Every conversation they start is around their baby and how's she feeling and what she can and can't eat and how exciting it is and I feel quite upset. We've seen them lots this summer and I don't know why now seemed like the best time. Their own parents don't even know.

All the talk about oh I felt like this at week 5 and this at week 10 is infuriating because I was pregnant for 14 weeks and felt all those things but because the pregnancy ended it's like it didn't count and everyone has forgotten I experienced it all too.

OP posts:
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 14/09/2021 16:29

Read again. 16 weeks!! Some people have no self awareness. Sorry for your loss.

Sleepyquest · 14/09/2021 16:32

If you were my friend, I would have text you a week or two ago to let you digest it in your own time and not have to put on a brave face.
Yes she is allowed to be happy but springing it on you like that when you are still grieving is unthoughtful.

SalsaLove · 14/09/2021 16:39

If she’s 16 maybe she’s not aware of the difficulties that other women face in getting pregnant?

KatherineSiena · 14/09/2021 16:39

This seems very spiteful. Why on earth would they announce it on a holiday away with your in-laws? Of course they can announce the pregnancy when they want but to choose to do so while away with you and your family seems grossly insensitive.

What has your DH said about it all? As others have said I’d not be holding back on telling them all how upset you are. I’d really rethink this friendship.

I’m sorry for your loss and I hope things work out for you in the future.

Folklore9074 · 14/09/2021 16:45

Yep this is really insensitive of them, of course they are entitled to their happiness but its really self-absorbed to not take into consideration the circumstances of others. A text/whatsap messages a week before the trip would have given you time to absorb the news. Putting you in a position where you need to smile and grit your teeth after a loss at 16 weeks is horrible.

ancientgran · 14/09/2021 16:45

@Sweetchocolatecandy

I get the feeling that it doesn’t matter how they’d announced their pregnancy, you’d still be feeling this way- which is perfectly understandable. However as others have said- life goes on, just try to be happy for them or if it’s easier for you emotionally take a step back.
I think the problem is it is hard to step back when you are on a group holiday. Bit different if you are at home, meet up with people, paint on a happy face and go home and have a cry or kick the dog (not literally) but staying somewhere else on holiday you are trapped. I think that is what makes it insensitive.
KeyboardWorriers · 14/09/2021 16:46

I dont get why people do this. The decent thing to do for anyone you know is struggling with loss or infertility is surely to let them know in a message so they can process their feelings before meeting with you. Horribly inconsiderate of them to announce it while you are all away together.

Rozziie · 14/09/2021 16:47

@Iwanttobeanonymous

Constantly talking about it is shitty of them, but as a pp said there probably isn't ever a good time to announce a pregnancy to someone who has had a loss, especially one that was fairly recent.
I mean there literally is. Announce it via text message/WhatsApp in advance of the meetup so the person can take their time to digest the news, in the privacy of their own home, without having to worry about their reaction in front of others when it's suddenly sprung on them.

People think we autistics have no social skills and no empathy but it seems very obvious to me that this is the kindest way of breaking the news!

user1471474462 · 14/09/2021 16:47

I’m sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how difficult that has been for you.

I have been in your friends situation, and I tried my best to handle it more gently. I made sure the person was told privately by their family, and when I met up with them I didn’t mention the pregnancy.

That said, some people just don’t think, they are very wrapped up in their own experience. Often it’s not malicious, just a lack of consideration.

Chloemol · 14/09/2021 16:49

It’s hard. Yes they are excited but I think they should take into account how you are feeling

By all means talk about it every so often but not all the time

I would just quietly get up and leave every time they start

Exhausted5487 · 14/09/2021 16:55

I haven't been able to read all the responses so this might have already been said - don't be afraid to say to them that, whilst you are happy for them, it is just too hard to be in it with them and you need some space/not to be main contact for chats about pregnancy. Mute social media etc. If they are true friends then they will understand. If they ask what they could have done differently then friends of mine really appreciated being informed of pregnancies through text/email so it didn't require an automatic and face to face response. This sounds like it would have been far more sensitive than how they announced it and I'm really sorry you had to go through that Flowers

LacksAnyImaginationAtAll · 14/09/2021 16:57

I'm really sorry for your loss. I lost a baby last year, and recently my sister, SIL and some friends have all announced their pregnancies. It's really, really, hard and none of them get it because they haven't experienced a loss. I just don't think anyone can really understand that hasn't been through it.

I absolutely understand what you mean about feeling like people have forgotten you were pregnant too - I feel exactly the same way, as if people have just forgotten I was ever pregnant. I'm keeping my distance from all of them for the moment. Someone else recently told me they hope I'll get over it soon so I can enjoy everyone else's pregnancies at some point, which is one of the most insensitive comments I've ever had - but it did give me the confidence to decide that distancing myself from everyone is best for me at the moment.

All you can do is look after yourself - do whatever you need to do and worry about other people second. Take care.

BorderlineHappy · 14/09/2021 17:00

They've always been strangely competitive with us and this feels like some sort of 'win' for them to announce it in this way. They said in front of everyone they didn't know how to tell us but tbh I feel like this was the worst way.
Thats a weird way of looking at it.
I dont know maybe they are excited to be pregnant.And you being their friend @isthisok22 maybe they thought you would be happy for them.
I would just quietly get up and leave every time they start
Thats just mean.
They have a right to be happy.
And everyone who is pregnant with their first baby talks non stop about it. Its normal.

MargaretThursday · 14/09/2021 17:00

If they haven't announced it before 16 weeks, and haven't even told family, I wonder if they also have had a late loss.
They've been holding off telling people because of that, but being on holiday they've felt they've had to tell to explain lack of drinking etc. They may not have even planned on doing so, but realised it was going to get awkward/people would guess.
Having told you as the first people, you're getting the beginning of their excitement bubbling up, hence them seeming to never talk abotu anything else.

Drinkingallthewine · 14/09/2021 17:01

SIL had a loss some months before we found out we were expecting. So we did what decent people do and DP had a private chat with her to tell her our news, and when we planned to announce it to the family, so she had time to digest it and also either attend the gathering we planned to tell everyone at, or make her excuses, whichever felt most comfortable for her.

Surely it's just manners to be tactful? It doesn't sound like the OP wants to erase any mention of a baby but just for it to have been announced on their family occasions and not hers.

Your friends are selfish dicks OP - you are the best placed to determine if this is a once-off or if it's a pattern with them that they one-up you. If it's the latter, then they've crossed the line, and I'd just phase them out.

Gorl · 14/09/2021 17:04

Sorry OP - that’s really shit.they could definitely have been more sensitive.

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 14/09/2021 17:11

@MargaretThursday

If they haven't announced it before 16 weeks, and haven't even told family, I wonder if they also have had a late loss. They've been holding off telling people because of that, but being on holiday they've felt they've had to tell to explain lack of drinking etc. They may not have even planned on doing so, but realised it was going to get awkward/people would guess. Having told you as the first people, you're getting the beginning of their excitement bubbling up, hence them seeming to never talk abotu anything else.
Well if that is the case they should know how insensitive it is to keep banging on about it
Soontobe60 · 14/09/2021 17:16

[quote isthisok22]@Mynameismargot no she's 16, so had had a whole month to mention it. She's not showing at all either and it's not summer weather so easily could have got through the weekend.[/quote]
It’s awful, I know. I’ve been through it. But do you not think you’d be just as upset if you found out that they had spent the weekend with you pretending she’s not pregnant? Would there ever have been a time when you wouldn’t have been upset?

LaetitiaASD · 14/09/2021 17:20

@isthisok22

They've always been strangely competitive with us and this feels like some sort of 'win' for them to announce it in this way. They said in front of everyone they didn't know how to tell us but tbh I feel like this was the worst way.
I have to agree. I'm sure you'd agree that there's no good time to tell you, but to tell you at a time when you are forced to be in their company for days on end afterwards I would have thought is self-evidently extremely thoughtless (or deliberately cruel) of them.

And to use a different example, a really good time NOT to bang on about how healthy you feel after changing your lifestyle, would be when on holiday with an overweight friend who is always complaining that however hard she tries she can't lose weight.

Diddumz · 14/09/2021 17:21

Totally understand.

I had recurrent miscarriages before my ds was born.

The most insensitive encounter was a woman who kept asking me for details of my miscarriages so she could reassure herself if wouldn't happen to her - she was pregnant at the time... I was so upset.

She gave me regular updates on the pregnancy and I just wanted to throttle her.

I ended up having a baby but have never forgotten her selfish cruelty.

I'm no longer in touch with her and I strongly advise you ghost this couple.

LaetitiaASD · 14/09/2021 17:21

@Drinkingallthewine

SIL had a loss some months before we found out we were expecting. So we did what decent people do and DP had a private chat with her to tell her our news, and when we planned to announce it to the family, so she had time to digest it and also either attend the gathering we planned to tell everyone at, or make her excuses, whichever felt most comfortable for her.

Surely it's just manners to be tactful? It doesn't sound like the OP wants to erase any mention of a baby but just for it to have been announced on their family occasions and not hers.

Your friends are selfish dicks OP - you are the best placed to determine if this is a once-off or if it's a pattern with them that they one-up you. If it's the latter, then they've crossed the line, and I'd just phase them out.

Superb post.
DomPom47 · 14/09/2021 17:21

Sorry for your loss OP. Like someone else said a truly good friend would be more sensitive for sure. I hope after you have mourned and processed your loss you will go onto have a healthy happy baby. Xx

Quirrelsotherface · 14/09/2021 17:22

They sound shitty and toxic. I know exactly the competitive type that you mean. If be taking a major step back after this holiday.

Evesgarden · 14/09/2021 17:22

OP, Ive had several rounds of IVF when we were trying to get pregnant, it took over ten years with miscarriages and ectopics along the way and have pretty thick skin when it comes to stuff like this but in this instance I would go home.

You dont have to endure this and its incredibly insensitive. A normal person would announce it and you would be able to go and hide and explore your feelings but you can't here, its going to be the main topic of conversation. I'm sure people will understand. Flowers

For me it would be the end of the friendship because I really couldn't 'get' some one who was so tone fucking deaf that they would tell me as part as a group and say 'they didn't know how to tell me' . Your right - it was the worst possible way and you can't hide or avoid it.

fizzandchips · 14/09/2021 17:26

OP
I’m sorry for your loss.
I understand what you mean when you mentioned they were your ‘competitive’ friends. I managed for years grinning and bearing a couple like this although we regarded them as some of our closest friends. The healthiest thing I ever did was very slowly back off from the friendship and now from a distance I observe them being competitive with other friends in our social circle. Honestly, life is too short. In the meantime I wouldn’t say anything because as you rightly said that will appeal to their sense of “winning”.