To feel annoyed when people brag about not having kids

[Ellerehj]

I see it so much on social media and I work with younger people who are very anti children. I completely respect people's decision to not have children. But I feel like they speak about people with kids like we're trapped it stuck with these awful little life suckers? When I don't feel like that at all.
AIBU to think it's really rude

@SecretSpAD Out of interest, why do you bother with mumsnet? If you dislike children and don't want children? I get why some people without kids are here - TTC, fertility discussion, step-parenting etc - But honestly before I had a child, this is the last place I would've thought of joining!
Not intending to be rude at all - just genuinely interested!

As to the original question - I used to be one of those childless people who bragged about it. I fell pregnant by accident, I now cringe when I think about what I used to say and think about having kids! :lol: maybe my son is my little "life sucker" but I'm very happy he is in my life.

I too loathe the smugness from evangelical parents usually mothers, the ridiculous comment 'you've never felt real fulfilment until you've had a DC' and other such bollocks. I am a parent but would never make such trite comments. My life was perfectly happy and fulfilled before having a DC.

rude both ways - those who dont have dc "you're trapped with messy little people" those with "you'll never know the love a child has for its mother"

I agree with this and I think it's more often the latter.

Oh finally yime has come more childfree people speaking up! After all we have to listen to mums and dads endless stories about how their kids and then their moaning about how tired they are blah blah cos of their kids. Like their whole life is about kids and how they know what love is and what purpose of life is cos they had kids.

It goes on and on, then we listen to those mums who bitch about their husbands doing naff all, then those men who moan about their wives wanting then to spend family time.

Its ao constant, like shut up we don't care. We really don't and yeah in smug cos you make it sound so God damb awful why does anyone do it and thank god I didn't!

@ElektraAbundance it irritates me when people say these things, and I am soon to have 3 under 5. I love socialising on my days off! I always watch a film to the end and often drink hot drinks before they get cold. Okay maybe I don’t get out every Friday and Saturday till 3am like I used to, but I don’t miss that, and still get out fairly often with friends. The newborn stage is exhausting and a bit of a shock to the system, but doesn’t last long. I hate all the negative comments some parents insist on making, it’s not all doom and gloom!

I have a couple of colleagues like this say stuff like ‘I fucking hate kids’
And I promise i am not a bore who talks about their kids a lot.
It often just feels unnecessary and tbh makes them seem bitter and that they’re protesting too much. I also always can’t help thinking ‘you used to be one!’

Out of interest, why do you bother with mumsnet? If you dislike children and don't want children?

Omega genuine BINGO in the wild!

To be honest, both sides need to get the fuck over it. Having no kids isn’t something special and having kids isn’t something special. It’s just two lifestyle choices, neither of which is wrong and neither of which is necessarily better than the other. Live and let live.

[quote AudacityBaby]@ElektraAbundance oh my god, YES. Heard all of these.

I've had a fair few colleagues say I was so lucky not to have kids and have all that time to myself, too. It's bizarre, like it was a privilege bestowed upon me whereas they were sent some children to look after from the heavens. [/quote]
Yes, exactly, it makes you want to tut sympathetically and ask whether three successive contraception failures is unusual.

I’ve had this from both ‘sides’ as I was happily childfree till I was almost 40, so got the hard-faced, selfish, careerist never-see-the-world-in-technicolour stuff, then as soon as I was visibly pregnant, I got all the doom-mongering ‘never again have a hot drink/sneeze without weeding/ unworried half-second/social life/promotion/read a novel all the way through’ stuff (which was nonsense) from parents who seemed delighted I was joining them in the misery corner.

And then when I chose not to have a second child, the same people started off again about selfishness and having to have a sibling and lonely onlies — they seemed weirdly triggered by the fact my life looked easier with one child (as it had with no child) and that I should be brought into line.

But yes, it does sometimes seem that people haven’t realised that having children, or several children, is not compulsory, and you didn’t get a magic ‘get out of jail free’ card no one offered them.

[quote faelavie]@SecretSpAD Out of interest, why do you bother with mumsnet? If you dislike children and don't want children? I get why some people without kids are here - TTC, fertility discussion, step-parenting etc - But honestly before I had a child, this is the last place I would've thought of joining!
Not intending to be rude at all - just genuinely interested!

As to the original question - I used to be one of those childless people who bragged about it. I fell pregnant by accident, I now cringe when I think about what I used to say and think about having kids! :lol: maybe my son is my little "life sucker" but I'm very happy he is in my life.[/quote]

BINGO!!!

@ElektraAbundance

Currently pregnant with my first.

But comments from colleagues with kids I've had over the years:

"Tired?! Wait until you have kids then you'll know tired!"

"You need a break? Try having 3 kids under 7 and then come back and tell me you need a break!"

"Oh I remember spending my weekends partying and sleeping till noon. Not a thing anymore"

"Enjoy these hot drinks whilst you can, once baby comes you'll forget most food and drinks come hot!"

"I've not watched a film till the end since before kids!"

"Trust me, when you have a child free day you'll want to catch up on sleep, not socialise"

Etc, etc, etc.

Parenthood is made out to be the most soul destroying burden thrust upon unsuspecting people. As if theh had no control or say in the matter.

I remember all these annoying comments when l was pregnant. Load of old shit - baby slept really well, never ate my dinner or drunk my tea cold and always watch films to the end!!

@Hopdathelf

Out of interest, why do you bother with mumsnet? If you dislike children and don't want children?

Omega genuine BINGO in the wild!

DOUBLE HOUSE! 😂

I think there should be a thread on site stuff listing all the non child related topics on MN and people can just be directed there. I’d be willing to bet the majority of the site is about the myriad things that occupy women beyond parenting (or the vast majority based on the sheer number of parking and wedding poem threads).

Sadly for some women life extends no further than children so they can’t conceive why someone might want to talk about other topics some of the time.

By the same token I might run up to people on the train tomorrow and demand to know why they’re reading Glamour magazine when they are decidedly dowdy.

@Blackkbird

I find it's far more often the other way round.

Most posts on here where people talk about child free friends they seem to always suggest that the child free friend must be jealous/bitter/barren/shallow.

I'm none of those things, I just don't want kids.

Depends on your age. If you're older (30+) you'll gets more people bragging about parenthood. I hear more people talking about the opposite.

I also always can’t help thinking ‘you used to be one!’

@ElektraAbundance

Currently pregnant with my first.

But comments from colleagues with kids I've had over the years:

"Tired?! Wait until you have kids then you'll know tired!"

"You need a break? Try having 3 kids under 7 and then come back and tell me you need a break!"

"Oh I remember spending my weekends partying and sleeping till noon. Not a thing anymore"

"Enjoy these hot drinks whilst you can, once baby comes you'll forget most food and drinks come hot!"

"I've not watched a film till the end since before kids!"

"Trust me, when you have a child free day you'll want to catch up on sleep, not socialise"

Etc, etc, etc.

Parenthood is made out to be the most soul destroying burden thrust upon unsuspecting people. As if theh had no control or say in the matter.

Honestly? This doesn't bother me. It's just parents trying to make lighthearted convo. It's people without kids making disparaging and pitying remarks that irks me

Examples of what's been said?

It's usually those without kids who get shit.

I think because people who don't have kids get a lot of shit from society, they can be a bit defensive about their life choices.

I don't dislike children - they're human beings, like adults you get children you get on with and children you don't. But there are lots of advantages to not having your own. While they are young, they are a tie - you have to factor them into everything, get up in the morning to entertain them, deal with them if they are vomiting or tantrumming etc.

I'm sure parents will be quick to point out the advantages of having children.

There's nothing wrong with being happy with the life you've chosen - whether to be a parent or to be childfree - and there's nothing wrong with pointing out the good things about your choice.

Lots of people waver about whether or not to have children and I think it's good that Mumsnet shows different points of view - not just the shiny instagram pictures of 'adorable' children, nor indeed the (mythical) jet-setting, designer clothes 'childfree' cliche - neither of which represent a realistic picture of what this important choice can mean for the average person on the street.

I once had a woman challenge me, rather angrily, on my child free status...while she was shit faced at a bar on a Monday night. Oh, and her husband was a home with the kids and she was making out with some guy.

It has never occurred to me to want children, even when I was a child I knew I wouldn’t get married/have babies. But the patronising ‘oh you will change your mind’ or ‘you will regret it, I wasn’t bothered til I had little Johnny but it’s made me a whole person’ etc etc made me want to vomit

@Dreamstate

Oh finally yime has come more childfree people speaking up! After all we have to listen to mums and dads endless stories about how their kids and then their moaning about how tired they are blah blah cos of their kids. Like their whole life is about kids and how they know what love is and what purpose of life is cos they had kids.

It goes on and on, then we listen to those mums who bitch about their husbands doing naff all, then those men who moan about their wives wanting then to spend family time.

Its ao constant, like shut up we don't care. We really don't and yeah in smug cos you make it sound so God damb awful why does anyone do it and thank god I didn't!

Yeah I think this is spot on.

@ConsulTremas

To be honest, both sides need to get the fuck over it. Having no kids isn’t something special and having kids isn’t something special. It’s just two lifestyle choices, neither of which is wrong and neither of which is necessarily better than the other. Live and let live.

In a culture where parenthood is pushed as the only proper experience of adulthood (particularly womanhood), I think choosing to be child-free is a little bit special, yes. Unusual, certainly. Marginalized, constantly.

Not "I'm a genius" special, but definitely not the norm, even here in 2021.

Sounds like you just hate people...

🙄🤣😱🤦‍♀️

Parenthood is made out to be the most soul destroying burden thrust upon unsuspecting people

Tbh I didn't appreciate how soul destroying it can be at times, in particular if you suffer from PND or have bad sleepers (and sleeping is the luck of the draw believe me - its nothing about what you do or don't do).

As it is I often get really, really jealous of my childfree BIL and SIL. It's not that I regret having my children, if I could go back in time I would still 100% have the little soul suckers again and again. But seeing BIL and SIL casually going around doing whatever they like, sleeping late, booking weekends away, having nights out, going to events etc. etc. I get jealous and I am ok admitting that.

They have admitted that seeing our (DH and I) lives with children has put them off having any and I admire their honesty.