To feel annoyed when people brag about not having kids

[Ellerehj]

I see it so much on social media and I work with younger people who are very anti children. I completely respect people's decision to not have children. But I feel like they speak about people with kids like we're trapped it stuck with these awful little life suckers? When I don't feel like that at all.
AIBU to think it's really rude

@GoldenPolden

Can't they form NOTAMUMnet.com. Or just f off to Reddit

Ooooh, so bitter 😘

I'm childless, couldn't have any. I've read so many comments onb here over the years that effectively if you don't have children then you must live barren, empty lives. Even if they don't actually say the words, they infer it. It's obviously bullshit and I wonder sometimes if they are a bit jealous.

That should read

Never ever cover for any parent

@Crankley those kinds of comments always make me think that the person commenting must have a pretty shallow or underdeveloped emotional and/or imaginative life if they only had deep feelings after having a child.

am always told that's a terrible thing to say and that I'd be a brilliant mum. I wouldn't, I'd be shit

Yes, I've been told a couple of times I'd be a 'brilliant mum' on the strength of vaguely successful interactions (i.e. I thought of something to say) with children. I wouldn't, though. I'd just resent the constraints they put on my life, and I'd be constantly embarrassed by them talking like me and generally resembling me - like having to see myself on a video 24/7 but being unable to escape it.

@AudacityBaby

I didn't think there was an 'us vs them' but I've been burned by the pandemic - my employer created a policy which essentially threw all of the childless workers under the bus to ensure that parents could halve their working hours with no pay consequences. It turned out that our union had suggested the idea, as a way of demonstrating how family friendly my organisation is. "Family" friendly so often means "parent" friendly only, and everyone else gets hung out to dry.

Did you manage to sort any of the issues you were having at work? I managed to keep my leave. I did waver a little but there was one too many comments about how I didn't need the leave, they needed it more blah blah that I really dug my heels in.

It's been discussed for years and years. I think it was 2018 when up some research showed to 40% of singles or people without kids feeling like they are picking up slack and don't really have a choice.
I genuinely hope someone will sue soon to stop this spiraling even more. Covid really did a number on this as well.

@HunterHearstHelmsley No, sadly. The union was as useful as a chocolate teapot, having suggested the policy in the first place (or at least heartily agreed with it when it was suggested). The parents outnumber us and a number of them kicked up such a fuss that it was pointless trying. I'm getting to take my leave at the end of this month.

I'm really glad you managed to stick to your guns - I remember your thread and the situation you were in was awful!

Thing is, I totally get how difficult it is for women to maintain careers after children. I work in a pretty high demanding and quite competitive profession which is staffed by high achievers (you need a PhD as a basic qualification). So I generally try to assist and be collegial. My sympathy disappears however, if my experiences, struggles, opportunities, and workload are deliberately affected simply because I have no children.

Both @AudacityBaby and @HunterHearstHelmsley have put up with far more than I would. I’d be on a personal work-to-rule campaign by now in their situation.

Happens more the other way.

But when a childless male colleague with a stay at home wife tells me he is tired I want to punch him in the face. It’s his way of saying “I work 80h a week even though we are both paid 40, do you only do 40? Shame.”

Oops that message sounds like I think I’d manage a shit workplace better than other posters. I doubt I would - I get into a storm of impotent anger. But then I get stubborn and passive-aggressive.

Strength you both.

Totally @EatYourVegetables

In my mind, I’m assuming that mostly this discussion is about women. It’s generally women’s lives and situations which are cause for comment and criticism.

And your description of your colleague reminds me also of the huge advantages men with wives have over single women . I remember when I was doing my PhD and whinging about how I’d had to go back and dig out and correct references, one of my fellow PhD students said something about his wife doing all his footnotes.

It’s a form of cheating!

@KaycePollard one of my fellow PhD students said something about his wife doing all his footnotes

OMFG!!

Apparently this was rife in the 50s and 60s academia. Wives and secretaries who did a good chunk of research for men who got all the glory.

I did my PhD in the mid 80s. All by myself. But clearly not all my colleagues (also my competitors in getting scarce jobs) did the same!

@KaycePollard

Thing is, I totally get how difficult it is for women to maintain careers after children. I work in a pretty high demanding and quite competitive profession which is staffed by high achievers (you need a PhD as a basic qualification). So I generally try to assist and be collegial. My sympathy disappears however, if my experiences, struggles, opportunities, and workload are deliberately affected simply because I have no children.

Both @AudacityBaby and @HunterHearstHelmsley** have put up with far more than I would. I’d be on a personal work-to-rule campaign by now in their situation.

I think in part this is how it perpetuates itself, because it's considered a feminist issue. Which it is, there's no denying that - but the solution to solving one feminist issue isn't to throw another bunch of women (and men albeit that there are far fewer single childless men in my organisation than single childless women) under the bus. @HunterHearstHelmsley's thread was full of comments about the importance of maternity rights, with no recognition that what was being asked to uphold those rights was that other women suffer.

The answer of course is that there needs to be more staff or less work (or both) but I'm in the public sector working on vital services, so that's never going to happen. Until then it is just 'us vs them'.

[quote EatYourVegetables]**@KaycePollard* one of my fellow PhD students said something about his wife doing all his footnotes*

OMFG!!

Apparently this was rife in the 50s and 60s academia. Wives and secretaries who did a good chunk of research for men who got all the glory. [/quote]
My brilliant MA supervisor, by then a professor and eminent in her field, used to reminisce about how, when she was in her first job, already a prominent voice in feminist criticism, the women academic staff were instructed to bring in home-cooked food when the external examiners came.