To feel annoyed when people brag about not having kids

[Ellerehj]

I see it so much on social media and I work with younger people who are very anti children. I completely respect people's decision to not have children. But I feel like they speak about people with kids like we're trapped it stuck with these awful little life suckers? When I don't feel like that at all.
AIBU to think it's really rude

I didn't realise that every parent decides to have children in order to ensure that there is replenishment of tax payers!

Yeah. Considering that like 99% of pregnancies are apparently a surprise here, it's very disingenuous from that poster to try to turn it into "who will pay for your pension". No parent ever decided to have kids for that reason. And if they did, god help them children (and I am not even religious).

One poster once said that people spend more time thinking it through when they decided not to have kids, than when they decide having them.

Imho, that's simply because we need to be able to justify the decision at all times, not just sometimes when bad situation arises

@SquirryTheSquirrel

Teresa May when she was PM (don't like the woman) but the press were awful about her not having had kids (I think it was not by choice too). How on earth did it make any difference to her job?

Yes - when the party leadership contest was underway, one of her rivals said TM wouldn't make a good PM because, not having children, she wouldn't be invested in the future of the country. I believe she later apologised, but that was a shocking thing to come out with.

Even when you weren't fan of her politics, this was something we all should be disgusted by.

I don't mean you personally. You in general😁

@Annoyedanddissapointed

I don't mean you personally. You in general😁

Hehe, I got it!!

@Confiscatedpopit

Wow, some of you have massive chips on your shoulders. Offended over nothing really. I suggest the issues are yours…

Wow.

Women, and it is women, have been chastised throughout history if they choose not to have children. Way back when, they were often suspected of being a witch. Their time is often not valued as much in the workplace, they are told they are lacking in empathy, they are expected to never take leave at popular times.. Its not nothing.

@Annoyedanddissapointed

I didn't realise that every parent decides to have children in order to ensure that there is replenishment of tax payers!

Yeah. Considering that like 99% of pregnancies are apparently a surprise here, it's very disingenuous from that poster to try to turn it into "who will pay for your pension". No parent ever decided to have kids for that reason. And if they did, god help them children (and I am not even religious).

One poster once said that people spend more time thinking it through when they decided not to have kids, than when they decide having them.

Imho, that's simply because we need to be able to justify the decision at all times, not just sometimes when bad situation arises

I agree. I really doubt it's a consideration for most. From what I read on here, many people get an 'urge' to have children, in the same way I suppose you might get an 'urge' to find a partner if you are single, and then they obey that urge. Nothing wrong with that (unless a woman feels pressured into the choice) but don't let's dress it up as a socially conscious choice.

I agree as well that it takes effort to deliberately remain childfree if you are in a relationship and still fertile. Always being careful with contraception, never taking a chance, 'doubling up' if there's a chance your normal method might be compromised ...

You can become pregnant accidentally but you can't remain childfree 'by accident'.

Well we are ... there are pros and cons both ways but we are indeed trapped with little life suckers

On a societal level the default has always been that ‘women want babies’

I reckon there’s still a subtle assumption that all women want a baby and those that don’t are ‘selfish’ and those that can’t must be pitied

People who don’t have kids can still come on mumsnet , as mumsnet isn’t just a talking forum where every section is about being a mum and having kids.. there’s section about health , legal matters , relationships etc , you don’t have to have kids to make a post on those forums , you don’t need to have kids to post on any forum js

And I understand the us and them situation with people who have kids and those who haven’t had kids for their own reasons but if your lucky enough to make a decision about whether you want kids or don’t and you always get to live by that decision you wanted then what’s the problem? Why feel a need to talk about the person who doesn’t have kids if your happy having kids.

And to further the matter what about people who can’t have kids for whatever reason but want kids and would make great parents or those who have kids but can’t be with them , I think people need to have a abit of compassion and realise it’s not all about them and somewhere out there there’s someone who has it worse , not to say that your problems are not hard too but to be grateful for what you do have in life whether it’s your kids , or other people or pets you love etc

People don’t mean to always be insensitive I guess ,it’s just easy to get wrapped up and self absorbed in our own lives and not think of those who in some aspects have it harder than ourselves

@HunterHearstHelmsley

The OP is so tone deaf.

I remember a woman I worked with years ago, constantly went on and on at me about how basically I was less of a woman because I didn't have children. This went on for months on end, eventually I had a dig back and the cheeky mare raised a grievance. I'd kept a diary of her bullshit so raised one in return. Guess which one got upheld I don't think she spoke to me again after that 🥳

Childfree people are starting to bitch back. I'm sick of having utter halfwits telling me I can't be tired because I don't have children. Seriously. How can anyone be so obtuse? How can anyone be so stupid?

Haha this made me smile and i have a child! Good for you!

I agree @hunterhearsthelmsley. I do hace a child but I HATE it when people pass judgement about others. OF COURSE people without children can be tired. OF COURSE people with children can enjoy a hot drink. I despise it.

I have one child, and he's going to stay an only child. Last week one of my colleagues told me that he'd be spoilt and have 'lonely child-itis' if I didnt have another.

I think you are being a little bit ridiculous here. We are never going to get to the stage where no-one has children, so there will always be another generation coming on to pay taxes. Plenty of people didn't have children in past generations because they were unable to - society didn't collapse!

Yes this. And after the carnage of the First World War there was a shortage of men, and many more women remained unmarried than would have done in normal circumstances. And that’s not counting all the women whose sweethearts/fiancés/husbands were killed before they had children.

I never understand the "if you don't have children you are selfish" thing.

I have a kid, one I gave birth to rather that aquiring him another way, and still think that becoming a parent like this is the most selfish, self-regarding, narcissistic thing any of us can do! Populating the world with our mini-mes! We do it entirely for our own satisfaction and benefit.

And the gleefully spiteful ‘wait til they have children’ when someone has a wedding and doesn’t invite children. Or in other cases ‘they have forgotten what having young children is like’ - so the default apparently that anyone will or has had children

And yes selfish

So I didn’t go into higher ed, have been working for over 34 years and paying tax, only cost the country for my own education and healthcare, had no mat leave, have to cover for colleagues who do (and who have to dash off to deal with family obligations), have to be low priority for annual leave…

Most of this I don’t mind (except the annual leave issue). Which of these actions is particularly selfish?

It is mind boggling that people have the nerve to call childfree people selfish. If I accused them of being selfish, they would go batshit

I have one child, and he's going to stay an only child. Last week one of my colleagues told me that he'd be spoilt and have 'lonely child-itis' if I didnt have another.

I was told once that my parents were cruel having an only child and I'd been deprived. What the stupid woman didn't know was that my Mum nearly died having me and was told she could have one baby and see it grow up or risk having a second and leaving two children without a Mum.

have to be low priority for annual leave

With more of us going childfree, I hope this will change soon. If it happened to me now, I would be taking an employer to tribunal. The fact that I didn't birth or adopted does in no way mean that I have no family to be with at Christmas. Or that I don't ever want to go away in a summer.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

I have one child, and he's going to stay an only child. Last week one of my colleagues told me that he'd be spoilt and have 'lonely child-itis' if I didnt have another.

I was told once that my parents were cruel having an only child and I'd been deprived. What the stupid woman didn't know was that my Mum nearly died having me and was told she could have one baby and see it grow up or risk having a second and leaving two children without a Mum.

Yes I get that as an only child. Because my mum genuinely only wanted one, and my bio father was an abusive cunt, so she chose to escape him

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

I have one child, and he's going to stay an only child. Last week one of my colleagues told me that he'd be spoilt and have 'lonely child-itis' if I didnt have another.

I was told once that my parents were cruel having an only child and I'd been deprived. What the stupid woman didn't know was that my Mum nearly died having me and was told she could have one baby and see it grow up or risk having a second and leaving two children without a Mum.

People are so bloody tactless and stupid.

I have an only child and will not have any more (no chance now even if I wanted to :-)). He's great, I've no complaints.

@Annoyedanddissapointed

have to be low priority for annual leave

With more of us going childfree, I hope this will change soon. If it happened to me now, I would be taking an employer to tribunal. The fact that I didn't birth or adopted does in no way mean that I have no family to be with at Christmas. Or that I don't ever want to go away in a summer.

Yes, exactly! If you want every holiday at home with your DCs, then you need to find your way into a term time only job or be a SAHP. You cannot visit your choice to have children on your colleagues who don't.

And I have two DCs myself!

People often indulge in self-righteousness to buoy up their own lifestyle choices at the expense of others'. To me it smacks of either insecurity, or the perception that the grass is always greener elsewhere.

When you do have children, this translates into breast vs. bottle or WOHM vs. SAHM.

When you don't, it's competitive travel or hobby or pity or annoyance (sometimes justifiably) at having to pick up the slack for parental absence.

Just why do people GAF? If they're not happy with their lifestyle choices, change them. If they are, crack on. It's none of my business how strangers want to arrange their family/professional lives. And I'm not about to give any justification of mine to others.

I agree with Scarpa. It does very often seem to be women at the receiving end of this (but also who dish it out). This isn't to blame women. It's to suggest there's a real imbalance of privilege between the sexes, and we are the ones most often bearing the brunt of it. You don't often hear men splitting hairs about this stuff, but that's not because they're so much nicer than we are. It's because, traditionally, they haven't had to.

In a culture where parenthood is pushed as the only proper experience of adulthood (particularly womanhood), I think choosing to be child-free is a little bit special, yes. Unusual, certainly. Marginalized, constantly.

I think you've nailed it here @rainbowmash What really riles me (still, I need to get over it ) are people who do the whole "You don't know deep emotion until you have children."

It's part of what you put your finger on - "parenthood is pushed as the only proper experience of adulthood (particularly womanhood)"

I actually would have preferred my parents to stay childfree. But there you are

Oh @LukeEvansWife that is one of the saddest things i've read

"You don't know deep emotion until you have children"

As someone who has clearly done both things; this sort of statement is such bollocks! I adored my husband, (and still do if it's relevant....it isn't), before we had DCs. I would protect my dcs over my DH if I had to choose because they are our responsibility and they're more vulnerable than a grown man. He would do the same. But it doesn't mean I don't love DH as much as I love them. The only difference is that I could fall out of love with him if our marriage went tits up, whereas I'll always love my dcs. But what I feel for them is just as deep.

I remember when I was pregnant with dc1 and I jokingly considered phoning up every dick who'd ever said "you wouldn't understand, because you don't have kids" to me and say "nah, I have a kid and you're still wrong dickhead"! But I didn't. That's called maturity. Not to brag.