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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want very friendly neighbours to back off slightly..

198 replies

Ccoffee217 · 13/09/2021 11:56

Please help me see this for what it is rather than just getting annoyed.
DH, DD and I moved into our new home 4 months ago. It’s a detached house and our neighbours have the same but a mirror image next door. They are an old retired couple but still have a lot of life in them. Our front doors are on the same side of the house but separated by a fence.
What I need help with is working out whether we’re right to feel they’re overly friendly…
DH and I are fairly introverted people so feeling a bit awkward.

They were great at first, left us alone and just spoke to us if we were in the front garden when they were. But as times gone on they are now trying to get involved in every DIY project my husband does (DH is one of these people that likes to work on his own), so has now stopped telling him what we’re working on. The lady knocks the door every other day offering tomatoes (we took them once but they weren’t very nice), and now whenever I open the front door with DD, if she makes a noise, which is every time, the man starts calling her name and leans over the fence to say hello.
The other day my DH was planting some shrubs out the front and the man stood there the whole time commenting on what he was doing, it was a little bit irritating.
Another example is yesterday DD was in the back garden making noise, and the man called her name again.

As much as they are lovely people, DH and I can’t force ourselves to be comfortable with it, and we’re trying to work out how to get them to back off without actually telling them to back off.
Are we just unfriendly? Or would you find this a bit much?

Thanks :-)

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2021 11:58

Yeah that would be annoying but I don't think there's a way of telling them to back off without hurting their feelings tbh.

JustSayingItHowItIs · 13/09/2021 12:01

I wouldn't be too bothered tbh. It's nice to have a chit chat with people and you could be the only people they can talk to. Who knows.

ChristmasCocktail · 13/09/2021 12:04

😂 this could well and truly be my parents! They are exactly like this, offering veggies, chatting to neighbours and can be overaly friendly. Not having an extension done are you? 😂

cabinfever102 · 13/09/2021 12:05

God yes totally annoying and understandably off putting. I get it! Can you plant some trees so that it's less obvious when you are out there? Also develop very selective hearing. As in don't respond as if you haven't heard... or smile, wave and carry on with what you're doing. They sound well meaning but perhaps a bit starved of company. You might be grateful if their kindness one day so tread gently...

Aprilx · 13/09/2021 12:07

I’m pretty introverted myself, but that does not sound excessive. It is normal to speak to neighbours when you both happen to step outside at the same time isn’t it?

Akire · 13/09/2021 12:07

Just brave it out of its 30sec chat once a day grin and bear it. Much better that than neighbours from hell with barking dogs, loud music, smoking drugs out garden all year round. No need give in-depth information “lovely day isn’t it”.

Use them to your advantage can they take in a parcel for you? Would they ever babysit in emergency? Do you have garden project where extra pair hands would be handy? Can they keep an eye on house when you are away? Suspect in winter months they are not going be popping out all the time.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/09/2021 12:08

These sound like very very small interferences tbh. You can try to manage them better but I think they aren’t at fault for these small acts of friendliness. No-one is in the wrong. You are just different.

You might want to move somewhere further away from people.

Joystir59 · 13/09/2021 12:08

They've got time to talk, that the thing. Try and be glad that you've got kind friendly normal considerate neighbours rather than the family from hell next door!

Dontwatchfootball · 13/09/2021 12:11

Rather this than the alternative!

ClaudiaWankleman · 13/09/2021 12:12

It might be annoying but I don't think it warrants asking them to 'back off' (which would really amount to asking them to stop talking to you given that is all they are really doing).

Just be as friendly in response as you feel like being at the time. You can still remain polite that way.

MyPatronusIsACat · 13/09/2021 12:12

@Ccoffee217 YANBU, that does sound annoying and intrusive, and it makes me so glad that the side door out of our house, (that we use,) looks out onto some trees, and not any neighbours. (We're an end house.) So we can go to the car/garage/shed/back garden without any neighbours seeing us...

Really no advice at all sorry... Sad Just try and avoid them sometimes. Not all the time. Sometimes.

There are a couple of friendly, pleasant ladies in our road (widows) and also a couple of friendly pleasant single men. All 65-75. They are really nice, but could talk for England. Occasionally, if I see them coming down the road, I quickly bolt round the back. I just cba every time I see them to spend half hour chatting.

raffle · 13/09/2021 12:12

When the bloke pokes his head over the fence, have a quick friendly chat, then say “anyway, I’ve got to crack on, say hi to Barbara for me” Then just carry on with whatever you went outside to do.

MyPatronusIsACat · 13/09/2021 12:15

@Akire

Just brave it out of its 30sec chat once a day grin and bear it. Much better that than neighbours from hell with barking dogs, loud music, smoking drugs out garden all year round. No need give in-depth information “lovely day isn’t it”.

Use them to your advantage can they take in a parcel for you? Would they ever babysit in emergency? Do you have garden project where extra pair hands would be handy? Can they keep an eye on house when you are away? Suspect in winter months they are not going be popping out all the time.

30 second chat? Where did you get that from??? Confused People who (often deliberately) appear to 'chat' don't chat for 30 seconds. 30 minutes more like!
CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/09/2021 12:17

Much as it is good to have nice neighbours I like them like mine - pleasant to chat to but no encroaching when we are outside in the garden. Like we just don't exist!

Not sure how you can tell them to back off, but I suspect they are thick skinned enough to actually need to be told!

ClaudiaWankleman · 13/09/2021 12:20

30 second chat? Where did you get that from??? confused People who (often deliberately) appear to 'chat' don't chat for 30 seconds. 30 minutes more like!

Yes but it's a chat, not a court appearance. You can turn a 30 second chat into a 30 minute conversation with a 'Fancy a cup of tea?' just as easily as you can end that 30 minute conversation with a 'Sorry, got to run. The dinner won't get done and the dog needs a bath.'

PersonaNonGarter · 13/09/2021 12:20

Learning to manage people in conversation without being rude or upsetting is just a life skill though?

BlusteryLake · 13/09/2021 12:24

Always have a reason to end the conversation so you don't get caught up for ages. If entering or leaving your house, perfect the cheery smile and wave before carrying on.

Busybubbles · 13/09/2021 12:27

Ugh sounds like hell. We have a neighbour like this on our road. But we try and be polite as we know she means well and is probably lonely. We’ve learnt to look down and just wave hello and carry on. On days when I have time I will stop and chat but we try and keep it minimal. I think she’s got the message if I wave and shuffle off quickly enough. Not sure if you can try that as they’re your direct neighbours.

NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 13/09/2021 12:27

Ah, no. You're lucky with nice neighbours. Just say "right, better get on. See you later" and carry on. Don't tell them to back off!

Turkishangora · 13/09/2021 12:28

They sound ok. I think telling them to back off would be hurtful.
The whole introvert thing on MN is getting a bit annoying. I'm introverted but polite , friendly and can make conversation. I do it because it's kind and it's how society works. I do sometimes think on here is used as an excuse to be rude. As an introvert I've had to teach/force myself to be more sociable. And my extrovert friend has done the same to reign herself in a bit as she realises she can be a bit "much" for people!
The bloke from the newly moved in family across the road came round to borrow our patio cleaner recently, I tried various conversational tactics with him and was met with nothing back. Just felt it was rude to be honest, esp when I was lending him something!

HarrisMcCoo · 13/09/2021 12:30

Kill them with kindness in this scenario.

Talipesmum · 13/09/2021 12:34

Wear headphones when doing outside jobs. Large obvious ones. Then you can do the grin, wave, point to headphones, shrug, retreat.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/09/2021 12:35

This would irritate me as well but I think a PP is right that its not anywhere hear bad enough for you to ask them to back off.

You'd create lifelong ill-will doing this (maybe unfair but I guarantee that's how it would be taken).

I just think you have to accept that you have different personality styles and probably you are much busier than they are. They could be a lot worse and if the price of doing business is to have some tedious chit-chat with well-meaning but slightly annoying people its a small price to pay.

Farfalle88 · 13/09/2021 12:39

Jus think of the alternative and be grateful they aren’t people who have loud parties/rev up engines/ have screaming arguements/ complain about things all the time. I had nightmare neighbours at one stage and never take nice neighbours for granted now. They sound lonely and bored. At least they can be relied on to keep an eye out / take your bins in/ be there in an emergency.

Twickerhun · 13/09/2021 12:40

I think you need to practice saying ‘lovely to see you, got to crack on’

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