To want very friendly neighbours to back off slightly..

[Ccoffee217]

Please help me see this for what it is rather than just getting annoyed.
DH, DD and I moved into our new home 4 months ago. It’s a detached house and our neighbours have the same but a mirror image next door. They are an old retired couple but still have a lot of life in them. Our front doors are on the same side of the house but separated by a fence.
What I need help with is working out whether we’re right to feel they’re overly friendly…
DH and I are fairly introverted people so feeling a bit awkward.

They were great at first, left us alone and just spoke to us if we were in the front garden when they were. But as times gone on they are now trying to get involved in every DIY project my husband does (DH is one of these people that likes to work on his own), so has now stopped telling him what we’re working on. The lady knocks the door every other day offering tomatoes (we took them once but they weren’t very nice), and now whenever I open the front door with DD, if she makes a noise, which is every time, the man starts calling her name and leans over the fence to say hello.
The other day my DH was planting some shrubs out the front and the man stood there the whole time commenting on what he was doing, it was a little bit irritating.
Another example is yesterday DD was in the back garden making noise, and the man called her name again.

As much as they are lovely people, DH and I can’t force ourselves to be comfortable with it, and we’re trying to work out how to get them to back off without actually telling them to back off.
Are we just unfriendly? Or would you find this a bit much?

Thanks :-)

@thepeopleversuswork

It's not being rude that makes any individual shy away from someone who chooses to interact at every opportunity, it is just a normal reaction to someone who considers it their right to be in your space at all times.

Yes but extroverts get this too. I'm a text book extrovert but I get really irritated at an apparent entitlement for my time/space by people I barely know. And I'm not good at hiding it.

I don't think its that people are saying introverts are inherently rude (and yes I do know what being an introvert is), its just when you see someone posting/saying: "I don't want to deal with people doing x,y,z because I'm an introvert" the implication is that its some sort of protected characteristic which means you have a greater need to privacy and consideration than an extrovert. Which you really don't.

We all struggle with other people impinging on our physical/mental space to some degree. It's not something introverts have a monopoly on.

Which is why the sentence you quoted didn't include the word introvert - or extrovert, It's just people, that was my point!

And those people who proclaim "I don't want to deal with people doing x,y,z because I'm an introvert" are more of the Google educated, relying on snakeoil salesmen for their knowledge!

Do you want to swap with my neighbour who is a screeching banshee? She's always arguing with someone on the street not me yet but give her time because someone is always making too much noise. Silly twit can't see that she's the cause of the anti social behaviour on the street.

So I'll swap with your lovely neighbours please. Thanks.

We had this issue. But our neighbour became more and more controlling, telling us what we could plant, dictating where our decking went, wouldn’t let us get new fencing, didn’t want us to do anything without running it by them. It all blew up in the end because we cut a tree down that was nowhere near them, but they liked it and said it was their tree (in the middle of our garden on our land - by their own admittance ). We had a tradesperson out for a decking quote once and the neighbour interrupted him and said “I don’t want the deck there”….. we no longer speak. Hope to move one day and it is purely because of this man.

It sometimes gets too much, I’d try the “mustn’t keep you line” and hope they get the message.

Oh, and the 'you don't know' comment wasn't to you @thepeopleversuswork but the person I quoted @Turkishangora, I think!

@simitra

As other posters have stated there are ways of dismissing people by your tone of voice and attitude without being overtly rude. You develop a brisk busy busy "edge" to your voice and a "must get on" attitude where you greet them without stopping.

I had a clingy neighbour a while back and I developed the "always busy" scenario. One day my NDN remarked on how I seemed to lead such a busy life and I responded "Yes, Im not really into neighbouring. Nothing personal." She then got the message.

Well if you do need any help or support in an emergency you've burned your bridges there.

By playing them at their own game, they might get fed up and give up on bothering you. Not so nice when you carry on like that in return.

I'm an extrovert, but I still don't want my neighbours chatting to me over my fence. I'm quite happy to talk to them, either properly if they knock on the door, or just in passing, but my home and back garden are my personal and private space.

I think it's the done thing to politely ignore your neighbours day to day life. I want to be able to talk to my family or friends in my garden w/o my neighbours joining in.

I wouldn't say you are unfriendly,or they are particularly overly friendly, just as you say you are introverted. It doesn't sound too bad, its not like they are having loud parties, inviting you to join in /come over for bbqs/have to listen to their loud music/have their kids round knocking at the door to play etc which could all easily happen with different neighbours. A pleasant short chit chat then an oh well I better get back to my work/better get in etc should be enough for them to get the message.

Be careful what you wish for. They sound lovely. You'll end up with real neighbours from hell and wish you could have them back! Seriously though, maybe get a higher fence in the back garden. Then the front step chats will be more than manageable.

I get on well with both neighbours without us being in each others ' business all the time and chat regularly with them in passing. Some people on this thread sound really unfriendly.

Urgh, I'd be laying spring-loaded bear traps!

Good luck!

I understand that you find it annoying but honestly it is a million times better to have neighbours like yours than bad ones.

My neighbours have a dog that barks non stop in the garden and when they are at work howls, barks and cries non stop in the house. We are not even attached to their house but it is so loud.

The woman is always screaming the dog's name and all 3 kids' names telling them to stop doing something, go indoors, come outside, put sunscreen on, have a drink blah blah non bloody stop. She and her husband are always arguing and even when they are indoors we can hear them. She has every phone conversation in the garden at full volume. She has nothing wrong with her hearing just a massive mouth.

Their previous dog got in our garden and attacked our dog leaving him with a face wound that needed almost 100 stitches. He only just avoided losing an eye.

They have borrowed money in the past along with food, diy items, gardening items - a long list

I would gladly swap with you. They may well be lonely and you could be the only people they talk to. Also if you ever needed help in a hurry they will almost certainly be there for you.

So their tomatoes were awful anyway? That sort of stands out to me as being a tad spiteful, understand your need not to be mithered and for privacy, I'd be the exactly the same. But don't become nasty over it.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Fair enough! I may have misunderstood. People seem to be really over-egging the "Extroverts are from Mars, Introverts are from Venus" thing at the moment and I'm a bit oversensitive about it

You sound really hostile and unfriendly. I feel terrible for them, they sound absolutely lovely. This has made me really sad 😢

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@CuriousaboutSamphire

Fair enough! I may have misunderstood. People seem to be really over-egging the "Extroverts are from Mars, Introverts are from Venus" thing at the moment and I'm a bit oversensitive about it [/quote]
Yup me too

I've got neighbours exactly like this. Lovely but oh my god can I not have the right to be in my garden without being moitheted?!?!?! I've bought a pyrocantha Bush it's fast growing and thorny and extra trellis so it grows up over the bit where they lean on the fence.

Moithered

Hi OP. I am an ambivert, leaning more towards the introvert side! But to be honest your neighbours just sound like lovely people.

I would be slightly irritated by the constant commenting on the projects but this is where you or your husband just need to make excuses to pop inside to the toilet or to make a phone call if it gets too much.

Honestly, count your blessings as you could have horrendous neighbours. There is no way telling them to back off would be helpful here.

Winters coming, they won’t be out so much

Sounds like you need to start on that extension, OP. They’ll never speak to you again!

Friendly neighbours are a blessing, believe me I've moved many times and I'd take your neighbours over some we've had to live next door to. We left our last house due to our vile neighbour, a retired police officer, who thought because he'd lived there the longest he owned the street and could tell everyone what we could and couldn't do with our own property. He was always on his drive watching. He also complained our dog barked all the time. Our dog hardly ever barks. I was so bemused by this I checked with a few other neighbours who all said they never heard her bark, which didn't surprise me as she doesn't bark! The next time he complained she was barking (while she was asleep in the conservatory) I mentioned I'd checked with a few other neighbours who said they never heard her, and he screwed up his ugly fat face, got right in my face and hissed "Well they were lying!" Honestly he was unhinged and I thought he would do something to my dog, so we sold up.

Our neighbours here, like yours, are probably over friendly, but I'm never going to complain about that! (and they love our dog)

Once the weather turns and you aren't outside as often this should calm down.

Better them than noisy rude neighbours for sure, but I understand wanting your own time & space without 'Doris & Dave' watching over & doing a running commentary.
If short, polite conversation with a 'i need to crack on' doesn't work maybe some headphones even without music might give you some space or give them the idea not to disturb.
I'm sure they are just wanting to be nice & probably happy you're a nice family. As the darker days draw in I'm sure they'll be less of an issue

@PersonaNonGarter

Learning to manage people in conversation without being rude or upsetting is just a life skill though?

One that many Mumsnetters don't seem to have seeing as there are so many of these type of threads along with never answering the door and only calling round after giving 2 years notice!