To want very friendly neighbours to back off slightly..

[Ccoffee217]

Please help me see this for what it is rather than just getting annoyed.
DH, DD and I moved into our new home 4 months ago. It’s a detached house and our neighbours have the same but a mirror image next door. They are an old retired couple but still have a lot of life in them. Our front doors are on the same side of the house but separated by a fence.
What I need help with is working out whether we’re right to feel they’re overly friendly…
DH and I are fairly introverted people so feeling a bit awkward.

They were great at first, left us alone and just spoke to us if we were in the front garden when they were. But as times gone on they are now trying to get involved in every DIY project my husband does (DH is one of these people that likes to work on his own), so has now stopped telling him what we’re working on. The lady knocks the door every other day offering tomatoes (we took them once but they weren’t very nice), and now whenever I open the front door with DD, if she makes a noise, which is every time, the man starts calling her name and leans over the fence to say hello.
The other day my DH was planting some shrubs out the front and the man stood there the whole time commenting on what he was doing, it was a little bit irritating.
Another example is yesterday DD was in the back garden making noise, and the man called her name again.

As much as they are lovely people, DH and I can’t force ourselves to be comfortable with it, and we’re trying to work out how to get them to back off without actually telling them to back off.
Are we just unfriendly? Or would you find this a bit much?

Thanks :-)

Only scanned thread. Sorry if repeating.

Winter months will relieve it a bit.

Get a slightly higher fence (on your side obvs) so that the back garden intrusion is stopped at least.

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@Turkishangora

"The whole introvert thing on MN is getting a bit annoying. I'm introverted but polite , friendly and can make conversation. I do it because it's kind "

Oh VOM. 🤢 There's that tedious word again. BE KIND.

This couple may be lonely and needing company and interaction from neighbours, but the OP does NOT OWE them this.

She. Owes. Them. NOTHING.

And IDGAF if it makes me sound like a miserable cow. I've had a bellyful of people cornering me and keeping me talking when I am busy, and have other things to do, and using me as their emotional punching bag, and boring me to death with their life story, and problems, and never letting me get a word in edgeways, and their eyes glazing over when I start to speak, because they're only interested in themselves.

BE KIND is relevant and good when someone is referring to not being catty or bitchy and not saying nasty negative things. In THIS scenario, BE KIND means 'be compliant and be a good girl, and be a doormat, and listen to everyone's problems and try and sort them, but NEVER talk about your own.' And it's almost exclusively aimed at women.

Fuck that.[/quote]
Yeah you're obviously pretty angry. I agree the be kind hashtag thing is trite and negative in summer ways to women but I don't think kindness should be demonised as a concept at all.

I've had all those things you describe too. Just have a few boundaries now as being really worked up and angry about stuff doesn't work for me either. Have a couple of work colleagues who are permanently raging as they allow themselves to get so het up over every single little thing. I can't be bothered. It's exhausting.

"Oh how lovely to see you" "Are you both well". "Must catch up another time as I have x, y, z to do."

TBF our old neighbours of 20 years and more were similar in the early days and he was very particular (noise, washing, etc,) but we learnt to love them and miss them.

@gnushoes

Meanwhile we have neighbours who blank us to the point of rudeness if we're both coming out of our front doors at the same time. So we bellow hello at them. We don't want to be their friends or do their DIY or anything else. We would just like them to be civil. It's not hard. And we've noticed they DO want to talk if they want to tell us about something but it's all very transactional.

You BELLOW HELLO at them across the neighbourhood

Fuck me. No wonder they 'blank you to the point of rudeness.' I'd be going out of my way to avoid a neighbour like this.

And like I said with the OP and her overfriendly neighbours, these neighbours of yours do not owe you conversation and interaction.

As for the comment someone made about 'would you be saying the OP is unfriendly if she was a man?' That is very relevant AND a very good point. Most people don't care so much if men just grunt and turn away when someone tries to speak to them, but if a woman does it, her name would be mud.

Same if the house is a tip, or someone's birthday in the family gets forgotten, or the kids lunchboxes are full of high sugar food, it's the woman/the mother in the family who gets the blame, and who gets ill thought of, never the man.

I do understand - you kind of lose your privacy I think. Not sure of the answer other than to keep strict boundaries if you feel you need.
We've had a neighbour for many years who can be intrusive at times. It's tricky cos she's a DM reader, thinks Boris is doing a great job and will talk for 30 minute stints over the fence (rather than the normal 5-10). She's also quite "just so" and will make comments if she thinks our garden's looking scruffy. She's retired and probably lonely but has family (who are lovely) popping in all the time.
This leads to me rarely using the garden as she's always there in the Summer. The other day I was doing some weeding with my ear buds in (other side of garden with back to her) and she started yelling my name to get my attention. No real reason - just to say hello! It's tricky...

I get you op but it could be worse. My neighbours leans over the fence and joins in conversations!

Definitely pretend not to hear and just carry on with what your're doing. Mine gets. Ores after a while if not fully engaged in conversation and he wanders off!!

Rainallnight

This OP and some of these responses are so depressing. Read ‘Bowling Alone’ by Robert Puttnam.

@godmum56

why? are people not allowed to live their lives their own way?

Exactly! I am so sick of folk trying to guilt trip women people into thinking they HAVE to be compliant and do what they're told, or they're bad people. Fuck off. I won't talk to anyone I don't want to talk to.

Why should the rights of the chatbag who corners people and keeps them talking for ages (about their problems and their life, and their health issues etc,) trump MY rights to be able to sit in my garden reading a book, or walking down my road in peace?

People need to fuck off with this 'be kind' bollocks. And is almost ALWAYS aimed at women!

As you said @Turkishangora ... Yeah I do think kindness has its place in society of COURSE, and being UNKIND is shit. But people saying BE KIND, by being a doormat and letting people mug you off, use you, and treat you like shit, just fucks me right off.

Letting people use you, and treat you as their person servant, handmaid, and chatterbox corner pal, is not BEING KIND, it's being a mug.

*personal servant

Every fucking time is fucking ridiculous. It's POLITE to let people be sometimes and not chat every damn single time we're in the garden.

I've got to say, I'm a massive introvert and quite shy and even I would enjoy this level of interaction.

Is it that you don't like the interactions themselves, or is it that you fear that if you humour them they might keep encroaching more and more until you suddenly you realise they're in your home and you can't get rid of them? Because OK, that can happen, but it doesn't have to.
Practice a few conversation-ending phrases for when you don't want a full convo. But friendly neighbours are a massive boon, and like someone else said, you might need them one day to water your plants or jump start your car so don't alienate them.

@gnushoes

Meanwhile we have neighbours who blank us to the point of rudeness if we're both coming out of our front doors at the same time. So we bellow hello at them. We don't want to be their friends or do their DIY or anything else. We would just like them to be civil. It's not hard. And we've noticed they DO want to talk if they want to tell us about something but it's all very transactional.

Well, this is just aggressive arsehole behaviour. You do this to encourage them to be civil? No wonder they ignore you.

My kids used to be the ones chatting to our elderly neighbours. I also did the same when I was little.
The neighbours my kids chatted to did like a natter, plus were a bit deaf, so any conversation was very one sided. Then they'd be the ones to say well, I must get on! Like I was the one keeping them.
But, I really would rather your neighbours than some others you hear about.
Just be a little blunter with saying you need to get on. Move away from the front garden if they start chatting, with the pretence you need to get something, and wait a bit. They will go indoors. Eventually. Hopefully?

I think they sound very overbearing and this would drive me nuts. But then I'm a MASSIVE introvert!

@bringincrazyback

Marmelace

Why ask this? It's such a clichéd question, ot course people would call a man unfriendly, probably even more so.

I think it's relevant, that's why, and just
something may seem clichéd doesn't make it irrelevant. Even in this day and age some people still value a man's time more highly and are far less likely to think a man is being a big ol' meanie for wanting a modicum of privacy while trying to unwind in his own garden. It's not that dissimilar from the way it's always women who are exhorted to be kind, imho

But the thread is a question about how her and her husband can cope with the attention, not a lone woman, so to compare it to how a man would be responded to is immaterial in this post. Maybe be original and read what has been written in the first place.

I expect come winter you will barely see them

@MyPatronusIsACat

Rainallnight

This OP and some of these responses are so depressing. Read ‘Bowling Alone’ by Robert Puttnam.

@godmum56

why? are people not allowed to live their lives their own way?

Exactly! I am so sick of folk trying to guilt trip women people into thinking they HAVE to be compliant and do what they're told, or they're bad people. Fuck off. I won't talk to anyone I don't want to talk to.

Why should the rights of the chatbag who corners people and keeps them talking for ages (about their problems and their life, and their health issues etc,) trump MY rights to be able to sit in my garden reading a book, or walking down my road in peace?

People need to fuck off with this 'be kind' bollocks. And is almost ALWAYS aimed at women!

As you said @Turkishangora ... Yeah I do think kindness has its place in society of COURSE, and being UNKIND is shit. But people saying BE KIND, by being a doormat and letting people mug you off, use you, and treat you like shit, just fucks me right off.

Letting people use you, and treat you as their person servant, handmaid, and chatterbox corner pal, is not BEING KIND, it's being a mug.

The OP doesn't suggest that level of intrusion. Talk about bringing your own agenda.

And chatbag

I love chatbag 😆

You find these people an invasion on your lives but remember they are being pleasant and being friendly in their eyes.One day you may be very grateful for their help Why buy a house with doors so close if you dislike chat! Still could be worse just read the stories on MN and thank your lucky stars.

You and your husband could always try effing and blinding, eating really windy foods, assault their senses with a yuk overload so they may start actively avoiding you.

Chatbag!

It's perfect!

Polite to greet a neighbour.

Impolite to expect them to spend time chatting every time you meet.

@Farfalle88

Jus think of the alternative and be grateful they aren’t people who have loud parties/rev up engines/ have screaming arguements/ complain about things all the time. I had nightmare neighbours at one stage and never take nice neighbours for granted now. They sound lonely and bored. At least they can be relied on to keep an eye out / take your bins in/ be there in an emergency.

That is nonsense. We had a "nice neighbour" years back. I nearly had a heart attack due to the stress of having him repeatedly "guide" me into parking spaces and making the simple job of parking 100 times harder in the process. My housemate didn't use the garden for two years because he couldn't stomach having an exceptionally boring old man talk shit at him over the fence if he was spotted. Shit that literally would not stop until my housemate just got up and walked back inside, even if my friend had his back to this "nice neighbour" and refused to engage at all.

Obviously such nice neighbours are better than have a violent drunk or an enthusiastic but incompetent drummer, but I'd much rather have loud late night parties every month or too than the worst of the nice.

Ooh dear, I'm a chatbag! Oops. I don't think I can help it, try as I might.
I'm one of the overly chatty friendly people of the world. I'm like a puppy, I just assume that everyone wants to be my friend, and get very excited when they do, and feel crestfallen when they don't. It's a little tragic! Though ironically, I'm still an introvert, and not an extrovert, as I re-charge alone.
Hey ho, it takes all sorts.
But, back to you OP - your neighbours sound like genuinely lovely welcoming people, who are probably trying to get to know you, and simply don't know your boundaries yet. But, we're all different, and nothing wrong with being private people like you either.
I reckon in time it'll sort itself out. You'll get to know eachother more, and natural balance and compromise will be forged. They're possibly just going out of their way to help you feel welcome at the moment (which is lovely) and won't wish to sustain that level of bonhomie in the long-term. I hope it works out for you all

@WanderingFruitWonderer

Ooh dear, I'm a chatbag! Oops. I don't think I can help it, try as I might. I'm one of the overly chatty friendly people of the world. I'm like a puppy, I just assume that everyone wants to be my friend, and get very excited when they do, and feel crestfallen when they don't. It's a little tragic! Though ironically, I'm still an introvert, and not an extrovert, as I re-charge alone. Hey ho, it takes all sorts. But, back to you OP - your neighbours sound like genuinely lovely welcoming people, who are probably trying to get to know you, and simply don't know your boundaries yet. But, we're all different, and nothing wrong with being private people like you either. I reckon in time it'll sort itself out. You'll get to know eachother more, and natural balance and compromise will be forged. They're possibly just going out of their way to help you feel welcome at the moment (which is lovely) and won't wish to sustain that level of bonhomie in the long-term. I hope it works out for you all

You sound very lovely x

@Marmelace aww, thank you. That's very kind of you. You sound lovely too x

Yeah it’s a little overbearing. However, would you rather have a family with two screaming babies who literally never stop and then the parents have regular parties in the garden.

We’re moving 😂