To want very friendly neighbours to back off slightly..

[Ccoffee217]

Please help me see this for what it is rather than just getting annoyed.
DH, DD and I moved into our new home 4 months ago. It’s a detached house and our neighbours have the same but a mirror image next door. They are an old retired couple but still have a lot of life in them. Our front doors are on the same side of the house but separated by a fence.
What I need help with is working out whether we’re right to feel they’re overly friendly…
DH and I are fairly introverted people so feeling a bit awkward.

They were great at first, left us alone and just spoke to us if we were in the front garden when they were. But as times gone on they are now trying to get involved in every DIY project my husband does (DH is one of these people that likes to work on his own), so has now stopped telling him what we’re working on. The lady knocks the door every other day offering tomatoes (we took them once but they weren’t very nice), and now whenever I open the front door with DD, if she makes a noise, which is every time, the man starts calling her name and leans over the fence to say hello.
The other day my DH was planting some shrubs out the front and the man stood there the whole time commenting on what he was doing, it was a little bit irritating.
Another example is yesterday DD was in the back garden making noise, and the man called her name again.

As much as they are lovely people, DH and I can’t force ourselves to be comfortable with it, and we’re trying to work out how to get them to back off without actually telling them to back off.
Are we just unfriendly? Or would you find this a bit much?

Thanks :-)

I would absolutely hate this. I'm so introverted and wish I lived in the middle of nowhere tbh. I'm not sure how you could tell them to back off without being rude, honestly. Just stop engaging as much and telling them things and hopefully they get bored over time. Maybe put up a bigger fence at the front and back on both sides so it doesn't look like it's especially about them.

Also its so 50/50 because there's a lot of nosey bastards out there who thinks it's fine to be up in your business. There's a line between a casual neighbourly chat every once in a while to speaking to you every single time you come out your house and when you're even in your own garden.

YANBU, but still. It's benign and you are lucky to have nice neighbours and not horrors. Think about some of the neighbours you've had over the years with their absolute BS & revel in the niceness. If you can :)

Could you build a higher fence to give you more privacy from them? I would find this very irritating too. My mums neighbour is a bit like this, anytime we are out the back garden she constantly chats and involves herself in anything we are doing, even when we’re in the hot tub trying to relax she still stands at the wall and chats, it can get really annoying so I feel for you.

OK, it's not ideal for you and DH but you're being unreasonable, this is fairly normal decent neighbourly behaviour, they sound like lovely people. I've dealt with nightmare neighbours and your lot sound like a dream. You can't tell them to back off without really offending them and what you're essentially asking is that they don't speak to you because they don't sound like they are over stepping any boundaries.

They sound sweet and are just trying to make friends with you. I get that it's annoying but in many ways you're very lucky - nice neighbours are hard to come by. Imagine if they were the type who complained about everything you guys did - like the noise of DH's projects and the noise of DD out in the garden - now that would be far far worse.

Better to be on good terms, they just sound friendly.

Also, I suspect they will be really hurt if you tell them to back off. It could make things really awkward for everyone. Try to see them as the funny old couple from next door with their funny ways rather than the annoying old couple with their annoying ways. They might come in handy when you need a babysitter!

I wish I had your neighbours.

Yes I wish I had your neighbours, they sound lovely. It could be so so much worse. They are just being friendly.

I came on this thread thinking they would rival my new neighbours!
I think with how you feel about them you got lucky!
Mine having met them once before I went on holiday, I came back to them telling me they’d fixed my gutters, and fitted a new outside tap for me as mine was leaking. When I said I liked what they’d done with their front garden, they offered and did mine too, just payment for materials - that they didn’t have spare. They’ve brought me round a bag of cat treats so the kids can make friends with their cats. Offers of any diy jobs that need doing.
I’m running out of ways to say thank you, work mates think it’s hysterical! I feel like I’m being a CF, I do say there’s no need but they just do it and tell me after the fact!

Funnily enough we had neighbours like this. Got to the point I would lurk to leave the house with our baby to avoid a swarm of retired neighbours coming over to coo followed by at least 10-15 mins chit chat which would get very annoying, particularly if I was in a rush or wanting the baby to sleep. We’ve moved to a new area and the neighbours tend to ‘keep themselves to themselves’. They’ll nod hello and next door will purposely look the other way to avoid even that. I now feel irrationally put out that no one stops for a chat and shows zero interest in getting to know their new neighbours. I really miss the mindless chatter and the feeling of community we had before. So basically what I’m saying is the grass isn’t always greener! (And I’ll always find something to be annoyed about )

They sound friendly, welcoming and kind. Focus on that. Their chatter etc is them just engaging with you all. Yes, could be irritating if you want to be alone - but the alternative could be so much worse.

As people have said, winter will bring some respite. In the meantime raise your fence with trellis, plant fast climbing plants and see how it goes.

Similar in my area - it can at times feel intrusive to find a kindly neighbour mowing the lawn uninvited if they see you in your nightwear through the window but having support and being part of a well meaning community has huge advantages - emergency child care, parcel delivery, burglar deterrent, holiday plant watering etc - give and take works well. This older couple may simply be trying to support the young couple with a child next door … sounds lovely ! Old fashioned but actually rather nice ? That would be my take anyway !

We had a neighbour a bit like this that forced herself on people to an alarming degree-
Neighbours put up high fencing and the woman would go and get a stepladder and loom over the fence while the neighbours were eating, trying to chat.
When rebuffed she got very unpleasant indeed.
She made one family move as the harassment was so bad.
I hear she is still there, and still just as “ Difficult “

It depends how intrusive the new neighbours are-
Good neighbours are a blessing.

Mt DH will stand for hours chatting with neighbors but I say hi and hurry in. I didn't choose my house because I wanted to friends with next door so I don't think YABU. Not sure how you can get through other than maybe wearing headphones and ignoring them or pretending to be on the phone all the time and just wave and walk past.

@Saoirse82

OK, it's not ideal for you and DH but you're being unreasonable, this is fairly normal decent neighbourly behaviour, they sound like lovely people. I've dealt with nightmare neighbours and your lot sound like a dream. You can't tell them to back off without really offending them and what you're essentially asking is that they don't speak to you because they don't sound like they are over stepping any boundaries.

How is the OP being unreasonable? Some people just don't want to chat and want to be left alone. Anything from being introverted to anxious and in-between. It is not wrong to ask for privacy and it is over-stepping to not respect this. But there are ways to avoid chatting and intrusion without being rude and saying something like 'lovely chatting but I must get on' can be a quick way of getting the point across.

Quite honestly the amount of people on here with terrible NDN is huge! I think as they seem so nice ,it would be a shame to upset them .If they dont have family nearby then they probably feel a bit lonely is all . I would just suck it up TBH

Many of our neighbours are like this (including the couple in their 80s who grow their own veggies next door) and we love it! I’d have thought it’d be nice for your DD to have surrogate grandparents too :D having lived in unfriendly places over the years, the novelty won’t ever wear off for us I don’t think.

Do what my mum does… wave and carry on as if they’re not there anymore! For reference my mum lives in a cul de sac and has this on steroids from well meaning neighbours. They soon get used to it.

My mum lived next door to one set of neighbours for around 40 years and had never stepped foot over their front doorstep. Despite the fact that she was on her own, they rarely offered any conversation or help.

By contrast, our neighbours on both sides are very friendly. Though we rarely go in one another's houses, we often get freshly baked rolls from one side and birthday and Christmas presents for our grandchildren from the other side. We reciprocate in similar ways.

Whilst I can see the over-friendliness of your neighbours can feel quite smothering, I think I would prefer that to stand offish, selfish neigbours.

YANBU. It would drive me mad. But I have patience intolerance. I’m one week from giving birth and being in the car is so uncomfortable. And our new neighbour saw us pull in and waited as he wanted to say hello. I said to DP to go ahead and try and shoo him away as I got my bag together but it didn’t work. “No baby yet?” he said and I resisted the urge to say we had left her in the boot. Then he looks at my enormous belly and says the thing that men always say but so far no woman has. “Oo that looks uncomfortable.” Then I couldn’t help myself. I said something about if it was up to men to have the babies the human race would be extinct. I know, I know. I’m a moody cow.

This is a difficult one to be honest and I’m 50/50 on it as it really depends just how overbearing or annoying they are.
I’ve always gotten on with my neighbours as you need to be happy were you live as it’s your home and as the old saying goes “better the devil you know.”

They are probably very bored at home with nothing to look forward to and everyday life is the same, then you move in next door and they have something to focus on and show an interest in and do not realise they are being a nuisance.
You need to step back a bit and show them boundaries. They will get the message eventually.

On another note, I live next door (detached) to a couple who are in their late seventies. They have a routine every day and they stick to it.
Their garden is so pristine you would not believe and the house is well looked after.
One day I knocked on their door for something. The man was in the back garden and my daughter saw him run the full length of the garden to get to the door.
If I talk to him I can't get away. He will talk for ages and the conversation will turn to something really boring such as how to use a hedge trimmer properly or why everything he has is better than anything i may have.
If we are cutting the hedge he will sometimes come and help and take over. It is funny. One time he showed up and took the hedge trimmer off my son and went up the ladders and fell off..... we all still laugh about that now

However they will do anything to help me and are always lovely to my children and grandchildren who think they are fab.
They go on holiday a lot and are fun. i can live with the daft stuff because I value them as neighbours. I am sure they feel the same about me as I am known to have a rant from time to time about the bin men etc etc