To want very friendly neighbours to back off slightly..

[Ccoffee217]

Please help me see this for what it is rather than just getting annoyed.
DH, DD and I moved into our new home 4 months ago. It’s a detached house and our neighbours have the same but a mirror image next door. They are an old retired couple but still have a lot of life in them. Our front doors are on the same side of the house but separated by a fence.
What I need help with is working out whether we’re right to feel they’re overly friendly…
DH and I are fairly introverted people so feeling a bit awkward.

They were great at first, left us alone and just spoke to us if we were in the front garden when they were. But as times gone on they are now trying to get involved in every DIY project my husband does (DH is one of these people that likes to work on his own), so has now stopped telling him what we’re working on. The lady knocks the door every other day offering tomatoes (we took them once but they weren’t very nice), and now whenever I open the front door with DD, if she makes a noise, which is every time, the man starts calling her name and leans over the fence to say hello.
The other day my DH was planting some shrubs out the front and the man stood there the whole time commenting on what he was doing, it was a little bit irritating.
Another example is yesterday DD was in the back garden making noise, and the man called her name again.

As much as they are lovely people, DH and I can’t force ourselves to be comfortable with it, and we’re trying to work out how to get them to back off without actually telling them to back off.
Are we just unfriendly? Or would you find this a bit much?

Thanks :-)

I was a total city dweller for years, wasn't used to friendly interaction!
Cliched, silly thing to say. I live in London, Zone 2, and my neighbours and I all chat over the fence/on the front steps.

OP, I agree with others that you might find you need their kindness one day. Also, I don't get how someone calling a name over the fence makes your garden 'no longer your private outside place' or why it's a 'line in the sand'.

And I'm not a particularly chatty or sociable person.

Behave in an outlandish manner when alone in the garden, gesticulate wildly while modulating your voice between loud and soft. Eventually they will begin to suspect you are unusual and communicate much less.

Question to those calling the OP unfriendly: would you be saying the same if OP was a man?

plant some pampas grass out the front, it will create a lovely private barrier for you

Why ask this? It's such a clichéd question, ot course people would call a man unfriendly, probably even more so.

I know what you mean my next door neighbour is like this and at first I didn't mind, but sometimes I just want to go in my garden without having to speak to someone. I find myself avoiding going outside if she's there as I just want to sit in peace or read a book or pull some weeds or whatever without having to make small talk. Maybe she feels the same way.

I'm so sorry you both feel uncomfortable, I really am. I'm afraid I am just like your neighbors. I have no good advice, but they just want to be friendly and have a little community around them. YANBU

Hmm, calling your DD's name does sound a bit OTT. I would ignore it and not interact, especially if e.g. you're eating. If forced, just say hello and turn back to what you're doing. Someone would have to be very thick skinned not to get the message. You should certainly not feel put off enjoying your garden. Hopefully when the weather gets worse you'll see less of them.

@AryaStarkWolf

Yeah that would be annoying but I don't think there's a way of telling them to back off without hurting their feelings tbh.

I agree. When the weather changes you'll be out in the garden less. Try not to hurt their feelings, you never know, you might want them for something one day.

I'm sorry the tomatoes were not very nice but that happens sometimes, even with shop bought; she wasn't inside them and it was a friendly gesture.

Oh good I'm glad it's not my parents bugging you. 😂
Just kill them with kindness, and then use the "well it was nice chatting Fred, time I get on." If he shouts your DD name again, shout his name.

They talk to you when you're outside, they don't come knocking on your door (except once to offer you tomatoes, the additional "they weren't very nice" is catty and unnecessary).
Why would you tell them to back off? This is normal neighbour interaction.

Personally I think you're very lucky to have nice friendly neighbours. Could be a lot worse if they complained about everything.
Perhaps say one of you is intolerant to Toms
So you won't be taking any more thank you

@Turkishangora

"The whole introvert thing on MN is getting a bit annoying. I'm introverted but polite , friendly and can make conversation. I do it because it's kind "

Oh VOM. 🤢 There's that tedious word again. BE KIND.

This couple may be lonely and needing company and interaction from neighbours, but the OP does NOT OWE them this.

She. Owes. Them. NOTHING.

And IDGAF if it makes me sound like a miserable cow. I've had a bellyful of people cornering me and keeping me talking when I am busy, and have other things to do, and using me as their emotional punching bag, and boring me to death with their life story, and problems, and never letting me get a word in edgeways, and their eyes glazing over when I start to speak, because they're only interested in themselves.

BE KIND is relevant and good when someone is referring to not being catty or bitchy and not saying nasty negative things. In THIS scenario, BE KIND means 'be compliant and be a good girl, and be a doormat, and listen to everyone's problems and try and sort them, but NEVER talk about your own.' And it's almost exclusively aimed at women.

Fuck that.

As I said earlier, I don't mind stopping and chatting sometimes to some people, but the type the OP is on about, who just corner you at every opportunity and expect you to stop/drop everything you're doing, to listen to their waffling, just do my head in...

@bringincrazyback

Question to those calling the OP unfriendly: would you be saying the same if OP was a man?

Yes, what an odd thing to ask

Honestly nice neighbours are so so much better than awful ones.
You will get used to it. Just learn a few polite phrases, as suggested, by way of interacting with them and bringing it to a close and carrying on with whatever you are doing.

@Marmelace

Why ask this? It's such a clichéd question, ot course people would call a man unfriendly, probably even more so.

I think it's relevant, that's why, and just because something may seem clichéd doesn't make it irrelevant. Even in this day and age some people still value a man's time more highly and are far less likely to think a man is being a big ol' meanie for wanting a modicum of privacy while trying to unwind in his own garden. It's not that dissimilar from the way it's always women who are exhorted to be kind, imho.

@Rainallnight

This OP and some of these responses are so depressing. Read ‘Bowling Alone’ by Robert Puttnam.

why? are people not allowed to live their lives their own way?

I would love neighbours like yours!

This is so hard. They are clearly lovely people but at the same time you want to live a quiet life - I get that, I'm like that too. Thankfully my neighbours are similar.

I don't think there's much you can do. They haven't done anything wrong and you wouldn't want to offend them. You could have worse neighbours for sure!

Meanwhile we have neighbours who blank us to the point of rudeness if we're both coming out of our front doors at the same time. So we bellow hello at them. We don't want to be their friends or do their DIY or anything else. We would just like them to be civil. It's not hard. And we've noticed they DO want to talk if they want to tell us about something but it's all very transactional.

And IDGAF if it makes me sound like a miserable cow. I've had a bellyful of people cornering me and keeping me talking when I am busy, and have other things to do, and using me as their emotional punching bag, and boring me to death with their life story, and problems, and never letting me get a word in edgeways, and their eyes glazing over when I start to speak, because they're only interested in themselves.
Yeah, nothing to suggest that's what op's dealing with at all.

Was your DD out there on her own or did he know you could hear him/were there?

I would find him a bit creepy and feel he was being overfamiliar towards your DD.

PP's ideas of headphones and 'I've got to get on' are good.

I’d find it annoying too - BUT as a child, we had lovely neighbours just like this. They were like an extra set of grandparents, doted on me, they were lovely people. Maybe don’t be too quick to judge.