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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want very friendly neighbours to back off slightly..

198 replies

Ccoffee217 · 13/09/2021 11:56

Please help me see this for what it is rather than just getting annoyed.
DH, DD and I moved into our new home 4 months ago. It’s a detached house and our neighbours have the same but a mirror image next door. They are an old retired couple but still have a lot of life in them. Our front doors are on the same side of the house but separated by a fence.
What I need help with is working out whether we’re right to feel they’re overly friendly…
DH and I are fairly introverted people so feeling a bit awkward.

They were great at first, left us alone and just spoke to us if we were in the front garden when they were. But as times gone on they are now trying to get involved in every DIY project my husband does (DH is one of these people that likes to work on his own), so has now stopped telling him what we’re working on. The lady knocks the door every other day offering tomatoes (we took them once but they weren’t very nice), and now whenever I open the front door with DD, if she makes a noise, which is every time, the man starts calling her name and leans over the fence to say hello.
The other day my DH was planting some shrubs out the front and the man stood there the whole time commenting on what he was doing, it was a little bit irritating.
Another example is yesterday DD was in the back garden making noise, and the man called her name again.

As much as they are lovely people, DH and I can’t force ourselves to be comfortable with it, and we’re trying to work out how to get them to back off without actually telling them to back off.
Are we just unfriendly? Or would you find this a bit much?

Thanks :-)

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 13/09/2021 12:40

The whole introvert thing on MN is getting a bit annoying. I'm introverted but polite , friendly and can make conversation.

Without wanting to derail, I totally agree. I get that introverts are less enthralled by random chit-chat for its own sake, but you increasingly see it as an excuse for rudeness or lack of willingness to engage with anyone at all and its starting to get on my nerves a bit.

Extroverts can find random people irritating too.

Notaroadrunner · 13/09/2021 12:42

Headphones are your Dh's friend here. Even if he's not listening to anything if he puts on a pair it might deter neighbour from chatting. Dh can just wave and point to headphones and turn away, maybe start singing loudly.

If they offer more food just say thanks but you've done a shop and they'd only go to waste. Though we got tomatoes, courgettes onions and garlic from 2 friends recently and vegetarian dd made a lovely pasta sauce, so you might find you can use their offerings for something like that.

Bellyups · 13/09/2021 12:45

I’m as introverted as they get, but honestly they sound like lovely neighbours. I don’t think there’s a way of asking them to back off without hurting them

LookItsMeAgain · 13/09/2021 12:45

If the woman offers you more tomatoes, just politely decline them saying that you've just been to the supermarket and got your own veggies thanks.
If the man comes over to chat with your DH about what your DH is planting in your garden, you can still keep the conversation light but not actually divulge very much during the conversation - then after a minute or two just say "Oh, I didn't realise I was nattering on there for so long, I must get cracking with the gardening. I heard on the weather forecast that rain was due in the morning/afternoon/whenever so I want to get this done before the rain. Must dash" and then get back to whatever he was doing.

Is there a fence or some sort of divider between your property and theirs where the front doors are? Can they see when you're at your front door behind frosted glass for example? If the doors just open out across from one another, your new neighbours might be lonely and looking for conversation or they might be trying to welcome you to the neighbourhood (however haphazardly that is happening). I'd say, if you can, ride it out for the next few weeks and then as the nights will be closing in, you won't have to be hanging around outside as much.

godmum56 · 13/09/2021 12:46

my go to phrase...."well i mustn't keep you"
I do find calling out to the child a little worrying

simitra · 13/09/2021 12:46

Your lucky. My neighbours are miserable shitpigs.

Ribblechips · 13/09/2021 12:46

Can you "control" the situation a bit by saying things like "it's lovely to chat; I hope you won't think me unfriendly, but I am going to enjoy a rare five minutes peace in the garden" or "yes my husband is very busy at work and likes to do DIY alone to shake off the stresses of the day". "Hello, yes dd is a little over-excited today so we are going to play or read quietly in the garden" . Hopefully they will soon get the hint... .

Catflapkitkat · 13/09/2021 12:48

It's doesn't sound too bad, even for introverts. They aren't letting themselves in, borrowing money, demanding your WiFi code/parking permit like other threads I've seen on here.

Knocking on the door and offering goods/tomatoes, just say - thanks but just been given/bought a load, we won't be able to to use them in time. Your DH is already keeping quiet about his projects, so that should lessen the input. The suggestion upthread about wearing headphones if doing a job outside is a good one. Just have say - listening to a book/podcast, just getting to a good bit and put the headphones back on.

As for the man calling out your daughter's name if he hears her making a noise, he is just trying to reassure her, distract her, let her know someone is there. If it bothers you that much, tell him she doesn't like it.

I am not suggesting you have to be their best friend but having neighbours that you trust and are helpful can be a long term bonus.

seaandsandcastles · 13/09/2021 12:49

YANBU. They’re not being friendly, they’re being intrusive and overstepping boundaries.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 13/09/2021 12:50

It doesn't sound too bad at all, hardly intruding, they probably think they are just being neighbourly and nice...which it seems they are.

seaandsandcastles · 13/09/2021 12:51

As for the man calling out your daughter's name if he hears her making a noise, he is just trying to reassure her, distract her, let her know someone is there. If it bothers you that much, tell him she doesn't like it.

@Catflapkitkat What? Why does she need distracting/reassuring/to know he’s there? Confused

Original poster
Ccoffee217 · 13/09/2021 12:51

Hi all, thanks for your responses.
You’re right I definitely need to imagine if we had it worse, and I know it can be much much worse! Have read all sorts on here re neighbour disputes.

I think the line in the sand for me was when my Dd was making noise in the back garden, and he called her name over the fence. To me that made the back garden no longer our private outside place, and it irritated me that he might not appreciate we wouldn’t want to be bothered out there.. I guess all we can do is ignore him when we’re in the garden and hope he’ll stop it.
I’m not the sort of person to shouting over the fence and having a chat, that would feel really strange to me!

Ps no we’re not having an extension 😂

OP posts:
simitra · 13/09/2021 12:51

As other posters have stated there are ways of dismissing people by your tone of voice and attitude without being overtly rude. You develop a brisk busy busy "edge" to your voice and a "must get on" attitude where you greet them without stopping.

I had a clingy neighbour a while back and I developed the "always busy" scenario. One day my NDN remarked on how I seemed to lead such a busy life and I responded "Yes, Im not really into neighbouring. Nothing personal." She then got the message.

Polkadots2021 · 13/09/2021 12:53

@Ccoffee217

Please help me see this for what it is rather than just getting annoyed. DH, DD and I moved into our new home 4 months ago. It’s a detached house and our neighbours have the same but a mirror image next door. They are an old retired couple but still have a lot of life in them. Our front doors are on the same side of the house but separated by a fence. What I need help with is working out whether we’re right to feel they’re overly friendly… DH and I are fairly introverted people so feeling a bit awkward.

They were great at first, left us alone and just spoke to us if we were in the front garden when they were. But as times gone on they are now trying to get involved in every DIY project my husband does (DH is one of these people that likes to work on his own), so has now stopped telling him what we’re working on. The lady knocks the door every other day offering tomatoes (we took them once but they weren’t very nice), and now whenever I open the front door with DD, if she makes a noise, which is every time, the man starts calling her name and leans over the fence to say hello.
The other day my DH was planting some shrubs out the front and the man stood there the whole time commenting on what he was doing, it was a little bit irritating.
Another example is yesterday DD was in the back garden making noise, and the man called her name again.

As much as they are lovely people, DH and I can’t force ourselves to be comfortable with it, and we’re trying to work out how to get them to back off without actually telling them to back off.
Are we just unfriendly? Or would you find this a bit much?

Thanks :-)

I think you should embrace it! I totally, totally get what you mean, and I would instinctively be the same (I was a total city dweller for years, wasn't used to friendly interaction! Grin). But we moved a while back somewhere more rural and had a similar experience from not one but two local families. At first I was like omg, how to shut this down, but then I thought hey you know what...and we just went with it, and it really is lovely. It makes you slow down, feels more like a community, it's a really nice thing but it's an adjustment that I understand.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/09/2021 12:56

The whole introvert thing on MN is getting a bit annoying. I'm introverted but polite , friendly and can make conversation. I do it because it's kind and it's how society works. I do sometimes think on here is used as an excuse to be rude. As an introvert I've had to teach/force myself to be more sociable. Not entirely certain you've grasped what an introvert actually is - despite claiming to be one.

At the far end of the scale introverts are

  • Not antisocial as much as prefer thinking over doing
  • Not awkward in company, just prefer interacting with individuals rather than large groups
  • Not shy as much as reticent to give up their time to large groups

As an introvert who looks forward to living on an island with only food delivery a year I have managed to spend my life in highly sociable jobs, working a bar, restaurant, lecturing, community work, food bank and charity volunteer. Most of my working days are full of people. I like it, am chatty and sociable... but I prefer my evenings when I am alone, or it's just DH and me.

It's not being rude that makes any individual shy away from someone who chooses to interact at every opportunity, it is just a normal reaction to someone who considers it their right to be in your space at all times.

PivotPivotPivottt · 13/09/2021 12:58

I had neighbours like this. Everytime I left the house the man would come running out to tell me something. They would go shopping 2 or 3 times a week and bring my daughter in some treats which was lovely of them but I'm talking multiple boxes of ice lollies, multipacks of chocolate bars, in the run up to Easter and Christmas there would be Easter eggs, advent calendars, chocolate coins, chocolate bunnies, chocolate Santa's. 2 or 3 times a week they would bring this in she barely ate the stuff! I felt so ungrateful for being annoyed by it but it was just too much. He would chap my door to tell me pointless stories, lean over the wall and chap my window. One time I didn't answer the door and my blinds were closed he started banging on my window then shouted at me for not answering as he thought I'd collapsed ShockConfused. I ended up moving not just because of that but it was a massive factor.

GU24Mum · 13/09/2021 12:59

Honestly, I appreciate it's perhaps more full-on than you'd like but there really, really are lots of other far worse options for neighbours.

The change of seasons is also likely to be your friend as you are much less likely to be in the garden at the same time in November than in August.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/09/2021 13:06

It's not being rude that makes any individual shy away from someone who chooses to interact at every opportunity, it is just a normal reaction to someone who considers it their right to be in your space at all times.

Yes but extroverts get this too. I'm a text book extrovert but I get really irritated at an apparent entitlement for my time/space by people I barely know. And I'm not good at hiding it.

I don't think its that people are saying introverts are inherently rude (and yes I do know what being an introvert is), its just when you see someone posting/saying: "I don't want to deal with people doing x,y,z because I'm an introvert" the implication is that its some sort of protected characteristic which means you have a greater need to privacy and consideration than an extrovert. Which you really don't.

We all struggle with other people impinging on our physical/mental space to some degree. It's not something introverts have a monopoly on.

CupCalamity · 13/09/2021 13:08

We had exactly this OP in our old house. They were a retired couple too and had all time in the world to chat, and didn't seem to understand that after a long day or week being polite at work etc, we just wanted to smile, say hello, lovely weather isn't it, and carry on about our business. What helped was DH took to wearing earphones when out washing cars or doing DIY, even sometimes though no music was playing, and deliberately ignored the man calling to me him. Sometimes though he'd come and stand in front of DH miming to remove the headphones! In the garden we planted thick bushy plants on the fence to stop them craning over.
Anyway things came to a natural resolution when they got pissed off that DH left a broom in the shared alleyway by mistake, cross words were had, and they were much less friendly to us after that.
So my advice is to find something harmless to annoy them with!

SoloISland · 13/09/2021 13:09

@HarrisMcCoo

Kill them with kindness in this scenario.
Dreadful idea. They are sincere and trying to be good neighbours
Mumsafan · 13/09/2021 13:13

We had lovely neighbours who were getting into their 70s. A couple of years ago they decided to downsize and moved away. We are still in touch with them.

The people who moved in were a nightmare, and in 2 short years managed to p* off most of the road. So be careful what you wish for.

Thankfully, they decided to move on, and we are back to nice neighbours.

Grimbelina · 13/09/2021 13:16

Great chance to practise having boundaried conversations (and to be able to model this to DD). So many good suggestions here and phrases you can use.

Rainallnight · 13/09/2021 13:16

This OP and some of these responses are so depressing. Read ‘Bowling Alone’ by Robert Puttnam.

NorthLodgeAvenue · 13/09/2021 13:16

I think just gradually withdraw and keep exchnages brief. It will take the heat out of it.
They sound a bit needy and lonely.

SwishSwishBisch · 13/09/2021 13:17

Yes, you’re just unfriendly