To want very friendly neighbours to back off slightly..

[Ccoffee217]

Please help me see this for what it is rather than just getting annoyed.
DH, DD and I moved into our new home 4 months ago. It’s a detached house and our neighbours have the same but a mirror image next door. They are an old retired couple but still have a lot of life in them. Our front doors are on the same side of the house but separated by a fence.
What I need help with is working out whether we’re right to feel they’re overly friendly…
DH and I are fairly introverted people so feeling a bit awkward.

They were great at first, left us alone and just spoke to us if we were in the front garden when they were. But as times gone on they are now trying to get involved in every DIY project my husband does (DH is one of these people that likes to work on his own), so has now stopped telling him what we’re working on. The lady knocks the door every other day offering tomatoes (we took them once but they weren’t very nice), and now whenever I open the front door with DD, if she makes a noise, which is every time, the man starts calling her name and leans over the fence to say hello.
The other day my DH was planting some shrubs out the front and the man stood there the whole time commenting on what he was doing, it was a little bit irritating.
Another example is yesterday DD was in the back garden making noise, and the man called her name again.

As much as they are lovely people, DH and I can’t force ourselves to be comfortable with it, and we’re trying to work out how to get them to back off without actually telling them to back off.
Are we just unfriendly? Or would you find this a bit much?

Thanks :-)

I really do not understand what you are annoyed about. They just seem polite to me.

I completely get this.

We had lovely neighbours but like yours they were a bit full on, once I put headphones on to cut the grass in peace and he followed me up and down the garden (his garden) trying to get my attention (with have gaps in the fence) when I turned it off to say hello finally I was there for half an hour chatting then he said he had work to do so has to go, so did I like half an hour ago! They've moved now and we've got lovely neighbours again but we don't talk as much and like to enjoy the privacy of our own gardens!

If it's an 8ft fence and he shouts her name, surely it's just a 'hello Rosie' or whatever - he's not expecting her to engage in conversation.

I wonder whether you hearing 'hello Rosie' is more or less irritating than him hearing your child's noise when he's relaxing in the garden? All just part and parcel of living near people imo.

The small interactions you describe don't sound particularly intrusive. You need to move somewhere more remote.

@Ccoffee217 how old is your dd? With the calling her name when they hear her in the garden could you say it makes her try to get to a place she can see them which could be dangerous and means you can’t take your eyes off her in case she tries to get out of the garden, it would mean you are still friendly but will hopefully stop them trying to talk unless your face to face which might help

I'm genuinely shocked at the responses....well some of them! What the heck's wrong with the neighbour saying your baby's name and saying hello??! That's what happens in a community..... offering tomatoes....that's kind!

Ok not everyone wants an audience as they garden but they sound nice! You'd bloody hate Australia where all the neighbours say hello, offer vegetables and fruit and wave and say hello to the kids!

[quote Wejustdontknow]@Ccoffee217 how old is your dd? With the calling her name when they hear her in the garden could you say it makes her try to get to a place she can see them which could be dangerous and means you can’t take your eyes off her in case she tries to get out of the garden, it would mean you are still friendly but will hopefully stop them trying to talk unless your face to face which might help[/quote]
I'd just ignore any calling over the fence. They can't see over an 8ft fence so just ignore and they'll assume you can't hear them or - quite rightly - that you don't want to engage. They'll get the message without the need to lie or have any sort of awkward conversation imo.

I'd put up with front garden chat and twice-weekly knocks on the door to offer tomatoes. Presumably, this will only happen during the summer.and is just normal, neighbourly interaction. You might be happy if it if you ever need a parcel taking in, your bins taking out while you're on holiday etc

I think those who don't like having friendly neighbours are missing a trick. Ours have all come together following c19. We are definitely a different set of neighbours now than prior to lockdowns. Now we actively help each other out, we have a WhatsApp and if someone experiences something in the street beneficial to others to know it goes on there, someone finds out the collection days for the bins are changing it goes on there, if the council are proposing a change of something people send the link. Someone needs a babysitter or dog walker they ask on there and normally one of the teens will do it. Need a tradesman someone has a suggestion If someone goes away the core group know and keep an eye out, put out and bring in bins for that person etc The advantages in being friendly are infinite. I am so thankful for the behaviour of those in our street.

Why don't you funnel your neighbours into a friendly buy useful way of behaving?

I think this is a you problem, not a them problem. They don’t sound overly intrusive at all, they sound nice and neighbourly.

We moved somewhere where we don’t have total privacy in our back garden and I found it a bit hard to adjust but I got used to it and now feel able to relax as normal despite the fact we can see and speak to our neighbours. We’ve built a really good relationship with our neighbours and they do lots of things for us (as do we for them) and it’s now something I see as a huge benefit of where we live.

Re shouting over the fence when he can't see you anyway ...seems reasonable to say " Would you mind not doing that as we like her to ....in the garden/we are having one to one time/ we want her to learn to amuse herself a bit ..." whatever works for you.

Have you moved into a village? Sounds pretty normal behaviour where I grew up.

I can appreciate that it's probably quite annoying to have a running commentary when you're working in the front garden but other than that, they sound lovely!
You wouldn't want the opposite, trust me.

Really. This is a problem? Have you always been like this? I know this is a problem for you but consider the impact it’s having on your child. Remember the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’.

We have a neighbour who hardly ever acknowledged us till he retired. He was rude and I thought he had mental issues. When he retired he waves and has tried to engage. It’s too late now after many rude years. So I understand the frustration of neighbours with different agendas.
Good luck, they possibly think they’d good attentive neighbours. Are you being a good neighbour to an elderly couple?

You're not unreasonable to be annoyed by it and to want to have peace and quiet but at the same time you are unreasonable cause they could be awful neighbours.
I'm friendly and so is my neighbour the one side. The other side the wife was always lovely and the husband, quite rude. One night the wife knocked my door at like 10pm. She was sobbing and needed help. Fluid and blood was pouring out of her ear, he husband was next to useless as he was the one with medical problems so never had to be on the caregiver side. Called her an ambulance and then a family member and stayed there till someone came. Turned out she had ruptured her ear drum due to a massive build up of fluid caused by a major sinus infection which had decided to try to drain itself through her ear!
Just think, if anything bad ever happens then those neighbours will be a lifeline. Also please bear in mind it's likely been over a year since they have seen any family members.

Reminds me of my previous neighbour, hears my door as I leave, out he pops, chat chat, me: oh look at the time, I've got to run before the bank shuts, him: I'll come with you 🤦‍♀️.
Depends on their characters, some people can't take no for an answer. I thought you'd say they invite themselves in and don't leave, which is another thing my neighbour used to do. If it's just outside, say you're late for something when leaving and make it your thing. When coming in, got to put tea, lunch, washing on etc.
That's the very reason I've said to dh when we move, we won't be getting one of those houses where the front doors are next to each other. If we do, then a six foot fence goes up same week we move in.

I’m about to get new next door neighbours, the last ones were there for 15 years. My road is really friendly, it’s a mix of mainly families and some retired people. I have taken tea with many neighbours and in the summer there are lots of chats over front garden walls, there was a have tea in our front garden socially distanced event last year, there is also a road what’s app group. People offering rhubarb and asking about reliable trades folk kind of thing.

The reason we didn’t move was because the road was so nice. The houses here are now wildly expensive. A young couple have bought next door. I will certainly say hello but they do look at the career building stage of their lives that I remember so will not have much time.

I grow tomatoes, I imagine you thought the tomatoes were not nice because they actually tasted of something.

@Auntienumber8

I’m about to get new next door neighbours, the last ones were there for 15 years. My road is really friendly, it’s a mix of mainly families and some retired people. I have taken tea with many neighbours and in the summer there are lots of chats over front garden walls, there was a have tea in our front garden socially distanced event last year, there is also a road what’s app group. People offering rhubarb and asking about reliable trades folk kind of thing.

The reason we didn’t move was because the road was so nice. The houses here are now wildly expensive. A young couple have bought next door. I will certainly say hello but they do look at the career building stage of their lives that I remember so will not have much time.

I grow tomatoes, I imagine you thought the tomatoes were not nice because they actually tasted of something.

Can I move to your street? I would love to live somewhere like this!

You could put ear buds in and say you’re on a work call or learning a language. They might stop trying to chat with you. Asking them to back off might not end well. They’ll just feel mugged off and embarrassed and then it might go the other way where they ignore you and don’t speak at all.
Then they wouid’nt put you out if you were on fire! I you want a parcel taken in or need to speak to them about something it Wouid be really difficult.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks here - what matters is you don't feel comfortable with it. This is how you are and there's no shame in that. How you deal with it, I don't know. Perhaps, just go with minimal chat and conversation back until they get the message. Close discussion down quickly and as politely as possible until they give up. They're probably seeing how the land lies and will hopefully see soon enough that you would rather a more separate existence as neighbours.

I think you are being a bit miserable. They are just being friendly and personally I love having a chat with the neighbours as I feel we are a community. We live in a village, I grew up in one and everybody knew/knows me and my children and I take comfort in that. I guess that's not for everyone.

Hi OP. I am also very introverted and I also have an overly friendly neighbour! She lives in a flat which overlooks our back garden and when we moved in she took to yelling at us from her balcony when we were trying to relax on a nice day. It made me want to stop using the garden. Really invasive. I started to be quite short with her when she did it - I'd look up and smile briefly and wave and then just ignore her. It did the trick. She's perfectly pleasant now but doesn't shout at us when we're in our garden any more.

I'm sure your neighbours are just friendly, chatty people but the point is, you don't want to engage with it. And that's perfectly OK. It's your home and you should feel comfortable.

We have a retired neighbour who runs out if he sees us coming home. Drives me nuts. He openly admits he watches us and knows if we turn left out of the street we’re going to work, right and we’re going shopping. I have little free time or patience for him. Often I have the dog in the car, so have a great excuse to escape. I’ll have enough money in a few years to move to the country. My priority is going to be no near neighbours!

.Re shouting over the fence when he can't see you anyway ...seems reasonable to say " Would you mind not doing that as we like her to ....in the garden/we are having one to one time/ we want her to learn to amuse herself a bit ..." whatever works for you.

Sounds like a good move.

Our back garden has a 12ft beech hedge on one side and large trees and bushes on the other . In the front garden there is another large hedge on one side and an 8 foot fence on the other . This was already in place when we moved in over 10 years ago . We almost never see our neighbours 🤫. To be honest the NDN on our right are moaning old sods but the ones on the left are really lovely .
The only times we see them are when we are coming and going in our cars when just a smile and a wave suffice . . I too suggest that you plant hedges all around 😂

@Akire

Just brave it out of its 30sec chat once a day grin and bear it. Much better that than neighbours from hell with barking dogs, loud music, smoking drugs out garden all year round. No need give in-depth information “lovely day isn’t it”.

Use them to your advantage can they take in a parcel for you? Would they ever babysit in emergency? Do you have garden project where extra pair hands would be handy? Can they keep an eye on house when you are away? Suspect in winter months they are not going be popping out all the time.

This