The Tedious Married Man's Script

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

Bloke I work with - I have always really liked him and never had any creepy vibes off him. Appeared to be good at his job, pleasant company and if he did mention his wife it was in a nice way.

Tonight, texts around tea time about work stuff. Turned into "my wife doesn't understand me"

Yawn.

Honestly, does he think it's original? I'm nearly 50. Been hearing this shit from married me for 35 years. Yawn.

same here, married man 38 years old for married when he was in his 20's,... 2 young kids.

47 and single... kids grown up - wow you're hot for your age... oh and the best one - many a good tune played on an old fiddle!!

Wow, I just squirted... and it was coffee out of my mouth mate. Do one.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Gawd, I'm just annoyed with myself.

We have to make a video for work. "You are really photogenic, that makes it easy"

"you are 50? No way!"

"Im not wearing as well as you are, I'm going deaf. It's congenital"

"is there anything unusual about your body?"

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE.

" Unusual about my body? Funny you should mention it actually. Have you heard of vagina dentata?"

Ooo I like this game.

"If it werent for my kids we would have been split ages ago" but if they do manage to get an affair partner, they spend most of their time planning ways of ditching wife and kid days.

"The divorce will get messy and I will lose everything" yes and when you are caught cheating that will (more than likely) happen too.

"We live like friends" yes and you are a very disloyal one ya bastard. With friends like that ay!

"I could teach you so much about life ...''
"I worry about you, nearly 25 and not married. I'm worried you'll end up alone."
"My wife is about to have a baby -- you can't expect me to ask her for sex!"
"What you silly young girls don't realise is that you'd be so much better off with a mature man."
"Men go crazy between the ages of 40 and 50. Society should just forgive us for everything."
"Really -- you're going out tonight with a bunch of girls? Don't you have a man to take you out?"

Heard all these and more in my 20s. Yeuch!

My worst was in my twenties and gorgeous (ha) at his own engagement drinks a work colleague told me that if he had any sort of chance with me he would bin his fiancée! He looked and acted like Jacob Rees Mogg I had not and did not display any evidence of fancying him in the slightest. Quite the opposite! Poor fiancée though..

Make P!nk's U And Ur Hand your new ringtone and ask him to call you more often

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

So fucking disappointing.

Must not have occurred to him to just have an angry wank like an adult.

😂😂😂 dying at angry wank

They are so pathetic

This thread is bringing me so much joy I’m placeholding for later, thank you all

"We haven't even slept together for years/sleep in separate rooms" hmmm, sure bud.

My wife has vaginismus. Not bloody surprised mate! Mine clamped shut as soon as you said that!

It really is amazing the amount of married men who lead “totally separate lives” from their wives and are “more like housemates really”

"We haven't even slept together for years/sleep in separate rooms" hmmm, sure bud.

They leave out the bit where they've shelved their wife for hardcore porn, thus forcing her into a sexless marriage without her say. At least, that's my scenario. Gave that fucker (now ex-husband... oh I loooove the sound of that!) the boot 2 weeks ago and it's been utter bliss seeing the back of him... Goodbye, Volvo driving, midlife crisis-dwelling, pornhub addicted assclown! See you in court! Honk honk! Wave!

Goodbye, Volvo driving, midlife crisis-dwelling, pornhub addicted assclown! See you in court! Honk honk! Wave!

😂😂😂😂😂

Gross

Poor lamb, he just needs someone who understands what a special little solider he is.

Creepy married-with-kids boss’s boss who I was trapped in a car with when I was 21:

Creep: I made £X in bonuses last year.
Me (politely disinterested): That’s nice.
Creep: My wife doesn’t think I earn enough.
Me (considers): Well you do put in a lot of hours, so your hourly rate is probably quite modest.

I’d like to say it was a clever answer, but I was quite literal at that age and the whole thing went straight over my head. He also had a habit of coming up behind me and the other younger women and massaging our shoulders.

I’m sure his wife didn’t understand him either or she’d have divorced him

They're SO predictable and boring.

But think they're a special snowflake no one understands. Bless.

"My wife is just a drudge these days and caught up with the kids"

Maybe because they're two and five and she's got a lot on her plate picking up your pants?

"I'm often meeting girls while I'm away as I'm a travelling salesman"

Oh that makes you extra alluring fella. Love to be part of your harem. You haven't even taken your wedding ring off, you're overweight, dad dancing and a bit sweaty, why wouldn't a twenty something like me want to snap you up?

Does this routine work with anybody?

"Creep: I made £X in bonuses last year.
Me (politely disinterested): That’s nice.
Creep: My wife doesn’t think I earn enough.
Me (considers): Well you do put in a lot of hours, so your hourly rate is probably quite modest. "

💀absolutely dead.

@groovergirl

"I could teach you so much about life ...'' "I worry about you, nearly 25 and not married. I'm worried you'll end up alone." "My wife is about to have a baby -- you can't expect me to ask her for sex!" "What you silly young girls don't realise is that you'd be so much better off with a mature man." "Men go crazy between the ages of 40 and 50. Society should just forgive us for everything." "Really -- you're going out tonight with a bunch of girls? Don't you have a man to take you out?"

Heard all these and more in my 20s. Yeuch!

The best dirty old man pickup line I heard in my 20s was "Mature men are better in bed." My response? "How do you know? How many have you slept with?"

@eekbumbler

same here, married man 38 years old for married when he was in his 20's,... 2 young kids.

47 and single... kids grown up - wow you're hot for your age... oh and the best one - many a good tune played on an old fiddle!!

Wow, I just squirted... and it was coffee out of my mouth mate. Do one.

'Yeah, mate. It's amazing how many instruments outlast the aging old rockers that insist on fiddling when they are long past their prime.'

my wife doesn't understand me

neither do I, so perhaps look further for someone with the instruction manual

Yes, have heard it many times. I dated a guy last year and he vanished (stopped texting), a few weeks ago I get a text explaining that he’s actually in a relationship but it’s a sexless one and they just live together, he’s miserable because they sleep in separate beds and don’t ever talk to each other….he’s lonely….etc….etc….

I don’t get why guys do this other than to get away with having someone new to shag whilst going back home to their wife who cooks their dinner. If your marriage or relationship is so miserable why not leave?

Guys seem to think we are stupid and will feel sorry for them but it just makes them look weak and stupid.

Perhaps he was talking in Klingon?

AGAIN!

My favourite has been from a man saw for one week aged 17.
" You are the one that got away, I feel so weighed down by life"

For fucks sake Martin jog on.