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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Same mum brings older siblingto parties and let's them join in

265 replies

mymobileisonsilent · 12/09/2021 17:18

Now I know some people have to bring siblings and ask in advance. However I know this person doesn't ask, as they brought their older sibling to my child's party a few weeks ago and didn't ask. I had made packed lunches, so I didn't have extra boxes . In fact they didn't even say when arriving. The very rude child then demanded lunch and a party bag, the mum was oblivious and today was style same.

Today this sibling who is at least 5 years older than the birthday child took prizes when not enough for the actual friends of the birthday girl. AIBU, or should I and al parties over cater for a everyone to bring siblings?

OP posts:
Lollipop40 · 13/09/2021 06:26

@TartanJumper

Hmm can you set them up in another room with a TV/games console to keep them amused? Might be harder if they bring younger children, might be enough for an older child to be amused, especially if you provide some snacks/drinks.
Why should the host go to all this trouble for someone not invited!

It’s expensive enough to cater for invited guests without adding any extra snacks and drinks for anyone extra who may turn up.

Don’t you think the parent who brings them should bring snacks and entertainment for their own child if they are not invited but have to stay..

maddiemookins16mum · 13/09/2021 06:29

This is why the good old days of dropping your wain (the invited one) off at 3pm and picking them back off at 5.30pm worked best. Kids today can’t even attend a party without parents being there.

PieMistee · 13/09/2021 06:42

At DSSs 9th birthday he had moved to a new school. One of the kid's arrived with both parents. They came bowling and DH in a sort of surprised "is this normal?" way paid for the uninvited parents entry to bowling. We then had pizza at a restaurant. The parents came again and did nothing to tell off their very rude child (I ended up doing it!). When the bill came they didn't offer to pay at all until one of us said " you owe £x". They had the cheek to look surprised that they were expected to pay. We had a very polite but hard nosed and awkward stand off until they did 😁
That was nearly 20 years ago so CFs have been around forever!

Angel2702 · 13/09/2021 06:59

We have a parent that does the same lines their child up to get a party bag and kicks off if there isn’t one. It caused issues where we had booked for a set number of children and were expected to pay for extra or we had the maxima number for the party booked already.

If it’s a party where guests are strictly limited for the venue/ space etc I always put a note on the invitation explaining that due to number restraints imposed by the venue we unfortunately will not be able to accommodate siblings.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 13/09/2021 07:04

Soft play parties were the most common when mine were little and a few times I asked if I could pay for sibling so they could take part - at first I would pay entry and separate meal but found it difficult to supervise party child during meal time.

I also offered same option when parents said they would have to bring sibling to our parties. I wouldn't pay for extra as we were on a budget but happy for them to pay the £7.50 for their child to join in.

Not quite the same but a friend once had a child left at end of party, no sign of parents and birthday child didn't know them. When parents showed up half an hour late it turns out they had dropped child at wrong party and didn't stop to see her in just dropped and left!

Workinghardeveryday · 13/09/2021 07:18

We had this problem every time!!!
We hired out a venue two years in a row and invited about 60 kids (twins). There must have been 75 kids turn up!!! Luckily I made way too many party bags by mistake and as always made far too much food.
I wouldn’t mind at all if on the rspv they asked but no one ever did or mention it on arrival.
Also had two soft play parties and half brought a sibling!!
Also went to a 5 year old disco party where this happened, a 11 year old sibling won all the dancing games..,.. not fair on little wons!!

Workinghardeveryday · 13/09/2021 07:18

*ones

Bunnycat101 · 13/09/2021 07:24

I’ve had a flurry of parties recently after none for covid and the bigger ones seem hideously stressful. I had one where there were a lot older and younger siblings which made for a bad combination (think 9yos being a bit rough and excitable with 3 year olds). The gap was just a bit too big and siblings do change the dynamic

KingsleyShacklebolt · 13/09/2021 07:48

*Also went to a 5 year old disco party where this happened, a 11 year old sibling won all the dancing games..,.. not fair on little ones"

Easily avoided though with a quick word to the entertainer - don't let CF sibling win a thing.

PatchworkElmer · 13/09/2021 09:45

@Holskey a bit of both I guess. Met at a toddler group and the DC got on well so arranged to meet at the park etc. Not friends before kids, only friends because of the kids. Invite addressed to the 2 DC we knew and DS played with- I’d never met the SC or her DP. I think it was rude, especially as she didn’t even check.

So basically ‘Mum from toddler group who I meet at the park occasionally’ rather than ‘friend’.

stripedbananas · 13/09/2021 10:10

You need to be more assertive. And as this person doesn't warrant your friendship for being a CF you can be downright blunt about it

Plumtree391 · 13/09/2021 10:48

@maddiemookins16mum

This is why the good old days of dropping your wain (the invited one) off at 3pm and picking them back off at 5.30pm worked best. Kids today can’t even attend a party without parents being there.
Why does that happen? You are right, parents never used to stay. I think t's awful, can't even imagine it. Dropping and picking up later is the most sensible thing to do.
Coldilox · 13/09/2021 11:09

Had a party for DS 7 at the weekend, at a trampolining place. A few turned up with siblings, but nobody expected them to be included - they all paid for them separately and bought them separate meals. One 4 year old got upset at not getting a party bag but the parents were very apologetic and didn’t expect one at all - happily handed over a slice of cake and a few spare sweets and a balloon, but didn’t have anything else.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/09/2021 11:11

Did our first party 25 years ago and this was a thing then.

Thereafter, I just made up a couple of extras. There was always food left over anyway.

olidora63 · 13/09/2021 11:15

@maddiemookins16mum

This is why the good old days of dropping your wain (the invited one) off at 3pm and picking them back off at 5.30pm worked best. Kids today can’t even attend a party without parents being there.
I said this further up the thread…I just don’t get it !!
StrangeToSee · 13/09/2021 11:35

I have been single for years with no real support. I always had to take my other children. I always paid entry and a meal and never expected a party bag, Seems single parents and those without support at the right times have never really been welcome.

I’m sorry you felt unwelcome. TBH I never really thought about single parents not having anyone to leave siblings with. Under 5s usually need a parent to stay so I don’t think it’s wrong to bring siblings as long as you let the host know your situation.

Once they’re old enough to be dropped off (5+?) I guess it’s less of an issue, unless the party’s hard to get to eg you need to take buses and would have to set off for pick up almost as soon as you reach home. And of course lots of parents want to suss out the hosts and security of the venue before leaving their child. I get that.

Just make sure you message the host explaining (well in advance) and don’t let older siblings join in the party games or claim prizes.

wishihadagoodone · 13/09/2021 11:40

MN has me on high alert for this.
DD5 was invited to a party in soft play a few weeks ago. Adults have a section of seating reserved but the soft play is open to general public at the same time.
I told DH to take DS2 (we paid of course) into the toddler section and we could all meet up afterwards and go for lunch.
DS spotted me and came over after escaping the toddler area. Birthday girls mum was lovely and spotted his immediately and asked if I wanted to add him into the party. I was mortified incase she thought I was being a CF and immediately said no, his daddy was with him and getting him sorted now!
So rude to assume you can bring extras to a party that haven't either budgeted for it or catered for it.

Bloodypunkrockers · 13/09/2021 12:08

@TartanJumper

Hmm can you set them up in another room with a TV/games console to keep them amused? Might be harder if they bring younger children, might be enough for an older child to be amused, especially if you provide some snacks/drinks.
Why?
TheStarChild · 13/09/2021 12:10

Back in the 90's there was a Mum famed for this at DS's school. Every party she'd usher in the baby sister and leg it, including Ds's.

The following year I was ready for her. It was a pay by head soft play party and I was damned if I was paying for her. Mum arrived, her invited DC went through the barrier and just as she shoved the baby sister forward I stopped her. "Sorry, everyone has been paid for, if she wants to stay you'll have to pay for her over there and ask they add a meal on, It's £4 a head for the food".

And there I stood. She looked at me in pure shock and then said actually she was nipping into town and left, with sister in tow.

I absolutely hated the whole party circuit.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/09/2021 12:13

Massively rude and massively presumptuous to think that it would be an ok thing to do.
Invites are sent out for a party with the name of the child (not Child +1, after all this isn't a wedding that we're organising here) on it. I'd put a note on the invitation stating clearly that only invited children are welcome to stay due to numbers/safety/child to minder ratio/whatever but that siblings are not permitted to stay.

If you're having the party in a play centre, then the parents must pay for the sibling and they will not be playing with the party or going for food with the party or whatever.

If you're having the party in a park, tell the parents that you've only catered for the numbers invited and siblings will not be catered for.

Get tough with these CFers. They don't mind being cheeky with you...time to repay the 'compliment' if you will.

Bunnycat101 · 13/09/2021 12:47

‘This is why the good old days of dropping your wain (the invited one) off at 3pm and picking them back off at 5.30pm worked best. Kids today can’t even attend a party without parents being there.’

I have had a mixture in year 1. The drop and go ones have tended to be smaller and more controlled (and tbh more enjoyable for my daughter). I’ve found with covid there have been more parties in the park (so you can’t just bugger off) or big parties in gardens which can feel a bit lots of the flies esque. I definitely wouldn’t have a whole class party and be comfortable supervising 30 kids. No idea what I’m doing to do this year but I’d much prefer a small drop and go one but everyone else has done whole class so I don’t know if I can get away with something smaller.

KittenKong · 13/09/2021 13:02

But in the old days it was jam sandwiches, hula hoops and fairy cakes with fruit squash in the dining room, with pass the parcel, pin the tail on the donkey and musical statues in the back garden!

GreyhoundG1rl · 13/09/2021 13:06

@Workinghardeveryday

We had this problem every time!!! We hired out a venue two years in a row and invited about 60 kids (twins). There must have been 75 kids turn up!!! Luckily I made way too many party bags by mistake and as always made far too much food. I wouldn’t mind at all if on the rspv they asked but no one ever did or mention it on arrival. Also had two soft play parties and half brought a sibling!! Also went to a 5 year old disco party where this happened, a 11 year old sibling won all the dancing games..,.. not fair on little wons!!
Who bulldozes an 11 year old into a 5 year old's party? Shock No way I'd have let that one happen.
Somethingwicked9 · 13/09/2021 13:21

Can I ask how people would word it on an invited that it’s only said child invited and not bothers and sister xx

Original poster
mymobileisonsilent · 13/09/2021 13:35

Well my DC didn't get a party bag yesterday, but siblings of his class mates did. My DC was upset and although I tried to distract him, all he knew was that his classmates got one and he didn't. I don't blame the hosts as they had family helping, who wouldn't know who was from class. It's just sad.

I know as a parent you don't won't your child left out even if not invited but that's your responsibility to manage their expectations.

OP posts: