Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Same mum brings older siblingto parties and let's them join in

265 replies

mymobileisonsilent · 12/09/2021 17:18

Now I know some people have to bring siblings and ask in advance. However I know this person doesn't ask, as they brought their older sibling to my child's party a few weeks ago and didn't ask. I had made packed lunches, so I didn't have extra boxes . In fact they didn't even say when arriving. The very rude child then demanded lunch and a party bag, the mum was oblivious and today was style same.

Today this sibling who is at least 5 years older than the birthday child took prizes when not enough for the actual friends of the birthday girl. AIBU, or should I and al parties over cater for a everyone to bring siblings?

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 21:07

@Getawaywithit

When my dc were younger I had to bring younger dd along to any party or my older dd who was always the invitee at the time couldn't have attended. I always dropped off when I could or paid separately to ply and eat if it was somewhere like soft play it here were times I had to stay and there wasn't that option. No one ever complained but i have since worried about it seeing responses on here

I have been single for years with no real support. I always had to take my other children. I always paid entry and a meal and never expected a party bag, Seems single parents and those without support at the right times have never really been welcome. Not sure why that surprises me but it’s very sad for the children concerned.

I don't understand your post, Getawaywithit? You felt unwelcome because all your other children weren't invited en masse to every party? And this was sad for them?
ItsSnowJokes · 12/09/2021 21:08

@Getawaywithit

When my dc were younger I had to bring younger dd along to any party or my older dd who was always the invitee at the time couldn't have attended. I always dropped off when I could or paid separately to ply and eat if it was somewhere like soft play it here were times I had to stay and there wasn't that option. No one ever complained but i have since worried about it seeing responses on here

I have been single for years with no real support. I always had to take my other children. I always paid entry and a meal and never expected a party bag, Seems single parents and those without support at the right times have never really been welcome. Not sure why that surprises me but it’s very sad for the children concerned.

No its not a matter of not being welcome, it's about not expecting a free party for a sibling. You are doing the right thing, other parents don't and just expect for their children to be provided for as well as the invited child.
Original poster
mymobileisonsilent · 12/09/2021 21:18

Asking to bring a sibling and then
paying for a sibling is different than just letting your extra child rock up, take prizes, push in the front of the party bag queue. It's nothing against single parents. I know for a fact this parent is not a single parent. It maybe that the DH was working, but the sibling was old enough to understand she wasn't the one invited.

I ended up with 3 extra siblings at my DC's party. Well I had more but some asked which I then catered for and did party bags for and a few were just babies.

OP posts:
Barnybrown · 12/09/2021 21:26

@ Getawaywithit it is different if you pay for your child to attend the venue - the parent I had who did this just literally left her 4 year old with the invited older sibling and went ! I had to pay £14 extra for the child to bounce. I definitely understand if a mum (or dad) has a particular difficulty with childcare and asks in advance and doesn’t expect me to pay for the extra sibling. But people don’t always do that unfortunately !

thelegohooverer · 12/09/2021 21:39

Are the parents meant to stay at these parties? I can see that it would be difficult to have a sibling sitting miserably to one side if you don’t have alternative childcare.

Once mine were over 3 the norm was to drop and run and I’ve never had siblings staying. They often came at pick up and I made extra party bags because it’s hard to give to one child while a little one is looking on. But it was never expected.

Do these parents who push their extra dc in return the favour and host siblings at their parties?

Isahlo · 12/09/2021 21:48

Totally agree this is first degree cheeky fuckery,
But my heart totally breaks for some kids sometimes
I’ve spent a long time working in schools.
And we’ve had big group parties, but not quite whole class (2/3rds ish) where twins or siblings in the same class (some schools have a foundation class, a 1/2 a 3/4 and a 5/6 class) have only one sibling from the class invited, but parents have to stay and supervise, and by default so does the non invited sibling (eg swimming party for 4/5 year olds)

when kids are older, say KS2 age plus, or of an age where parents don’t have to watch, you can explain and take the non party invited somewhere distracting but IMO you’ve got to be an extra special type of nasty to not invite a young child to a party that because of supervision rules they have to watch their sibling and all their friends enjoy.

I remember taking DN to a party like this at the leisure centre for inflatable swimming, where a twin who was 4 was sat in the glass fronted cafe and waiting room that over looked the pool clutching a blue panda pop and repeating after her mum, “I’m brave, I’m strong, I’m a good friend” whilst she absolutely choked on her little tears.
Absolutely ruined me. Had I been taking my o n dd and known the mum of the birthday child, I would’ve bribed my dd with McDonald’s left and let the twin go.

Heckythump1 · 12/09/2021 21:48

There's a Mum that always brings the older sibling to parties in my daughters class... it's my daughters party soon, and i'm paying per head for entertainers to come and face painting etc, I don't want to pay for an extra kid who my child doesn't even know, it's expensive enough!

What do you say if they just turn up and expect to stay?

Isahlo · 12/09/2021 21:50

Also to add to my post. Obviously it’s different for clearly separate siblings and that’s fine my point was to highlight very small children in the same peer group where you can’t explain it in the usual “oh they’re all Susies friends from year five, all your friends are in year one so you wait for your own friends party”

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 21:51

@Heckythump1

There's a Mum that always brings the older sibling to parties in my daughters class... it's my daughters party soon, and i'm paying per head for entertainers to come and face painting etc, I don't want to pay for an extra kid who my child doesn't even know, it's expensive enough!

What do you say if they just turn up and expect to stay?

Tell her in advance that it's a drop off and there is a strict number limit, so the invitation is extended to the named child only. I'm assuming it is drop off? It can be for her, anyway...
Isahlo · 12/09/2021 21:52

@Heckythump1

There's a Mum that always brings the older sibling to parties in my daughters class... it's my daughters party soon, and i'm paying per head for entertainers to come and face painting etc, I don't want to pay for an extra kid who my child doesn't even know, it's expensive enough!

What do you say if they just turn up and expect to stay?

I think you’ve got 2 options Either “Invited children only” Or “This is a pay per child event, I’m paying for x number of child’s friends, if you want A to join that will be £££ thanks”
GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 21:54

@Isahlo

Totally agree this is first degree cheeky fuckery, But my heart totally breaks for some kids sometimes I’ve spent a long time working in schools. And we’ve had big group parties, but not quite whole class (2/3rds ish) where twins or siblings in the same class (some schools have a foundation class, a 1/2 a 3/4 and a 5/6 class) have only one sibling from the class invited, but parents have to stay and supervise, and by default so does the non invited sibling (eg swimming party for 4/5 year olds)

when kids are older, say KS2 age plus, or of an age where parents don’t have to watch, you can explain and take the non party invited somewhere distracting but IMO you’ve got to be an extra special type of nasty to not invite a young child to a party that because of supervision rules they have to watch their sibling and all their friends enjoy.

I remember taking DN to a party like this at the leisure centre for inflatable swimming, where a twin who was 4 was sat in the glass fronted cafe and waiting room that over looked the pool clutching a blue panda pop and repeating after her mum, “I’m brave, I’m strong, I’m a good friend” whilst she absolutely choked on her little tears.
Absolutely ruined me. Had I been taking my o n dd and known the mum of the birthday child, I would’ve bribed my dd with McDonald’s left and let the twin go.

I'd never invite one of a pair of twins (iyswim) or a child who had a sibling in the same class, that's bloody awful. I've even invited both twins when they were in different classes and my dc was only friends with one of them (boy/girl) twins. That scenario is outside the normal etiquette rules, I think...
Heckythump1 · 12/09/2021 21:54

Can I put it on the invitation? Or is that seen as rude? My daughter is only in year 1, and obviously no party last year due to covid! Can I also suggest that parents just drop the children and go? We're having it at home and it would be a real squeeze with 10 children and a parent each!

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 21:56

@Heckythump1

Can I put it on the invitation? Or is that seen as rude? My daughter is only in year 1, and obviously no party last year due to covid! Can I also suggest that parents just drop the children and go? We're having it at home and it would be a real squeeze with 10 children and a parent each!
If you're happy without the parents there (some prefer the parents to stay rather than be in charge of hordes of children!) then yes, it's fine to say so.
PatchworkElmer · 12/09/2021 22:02

This happened to us at DS’s 3rd birthday. Friend breezed in with 2 invited kids and 2 much older step kids I’d never met before. Far too old for the activity, needed feeding so had to cobble something together. I don’t understand why she didn’t message to check. Her DP came too and therefore surely could’ve stayed home with the step kids rather than treating it like a family outing. DC’s party this year is pay per head with food included (rather than us making the food). I’ll be explicit on the invites that siblings can’t come unless parents are willing to pay.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/09/2021 22:06

@Moonface123

I always think the more the merrier, this was never a problem for me and alot of the time l hosted parties solely by myself. Not everyone has a husband or partner to leave other sibling with, or an army of help. The sibling who gets the party bag and cake is usually happy to share, or l would usually just make do with something else, like a balloon, not a big deal. l think it's abit mean to exclude siblings.
@Moonface123 - there is a BIG difference between what you are describing, and what the OP is describing.

If you, as the host, are happy to accommodate extra guests, that is fine, and your choice. But it is NOT fine for someone else to impose extra guests on the host, unasked and uninvited.

It’s like saying that, because you are happy to share your bag of sweets with everyone, I should be able to walk up to someone and plunge my hand into their bag of sweets and take what I want, without asking.

Wineat5isfine · 12/09/2021 23:31

CF behaviour! If you are in this position, then you should drop invited child off and take sibling(s) elsewhere Assuming drop off / go is ok of course.

For my daughters bday 2 years ago, we had booked a specific activity - paid per head costs.

Mum turned up with 2 extra kids and wanted them to be able to join in. I had to unfortunately inform her that it wouldn’t be possible - and that I also hadn’t catered for extra children either (I run a very tight ship).

She wasn’t very happy - but thank goodness a mutual friend stepped in and backed me up. Sadly the older child (who was 13 at a party for mostly 7 year olds) kicked off big time.

I wouldn’t dream of taking a non-invited sibling along to a party!

violetbunny · 13/09/2021 02:08

@Isahlo There's still quite a big difference between rocking up to a party with extra siblings in tow expecting for them to be paid for and catered for, and a parent explaining - in advance - that it will be logistically challenging to leave the sibling behind and asking if it would be OK for sibling to attend if the pay the extra costs.

Somethingwicked9 · 13/09/2021 03:24

I’m dreading this … it’s my sons birthday in feb and we are planning a proper party for his friends from nursery but there is one mum who I KNOW will bring her boys two older sisters there sisters are cheeky little shits … excuse my mouth but it’s true someone at the last party asked where her husband was and she said “ in the house watching football” so it’s not even like the other half’s not at home to look after them the girls push and bully the younger kids I have to grit my teeth when I see them … they have never done anything to my son as such “ wouldn’t allow it “ but it’s the way she does it she just shows up and the girls are in party dresses you can see the mum or dad grimes but everyone seems to scared to say anything to her !! I have seen her a few times go up to the kids buffet table and start eating off it before the mums or dads have said it’s ok for kids to eat , she’s not poor she lives in one of the biggest houses in the village … I really want to stand up to her at my sons party as I don’t want the girls their … but don’t know where to start

Holskey · 13/09/2021 04:10

@PatchworkElmer

This happened to us at DS’s 3rd birthday. Friend breezed in with 2 invited kids and 2 much older step kids I’d never met before. Far too old for the activity, needed feeding so had to cobble something together. I don’t understand why she didn’t message to check. Her DP came too and therefore surely could’ve stayed home with the step kids rather than treating it like a family outing. DC’s party this year is pay per head with food included (rather than us making the food). I’ll be explicit on the invites that siblings can’t come unless parents are willing to pay.
Was this your friend rather than a parent of your child's friends? Not saying it's right (obviously if it's not what you wanted then it wasn't right) but I could see how it might happen. I think it's different than a parent bringing siblings.
BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 13/09/2021 04:22

SomethingWicked at least you know now so you do have time to think of something!

Maybe put on the invitations as PPs have said?

Plumtree391 · 13/09/2021 04:29

Very rude behaviour and quite bizarre, not the child's fault but the mother's. It also seems strange to me that mum stayed for the party, in my child's day a parent dropped their child off and picked them up at the end. I'd have hated standing/sitting around for 2+ hours in someone else's house and so would any of the other parents.

Mothership4two · 13/09/2021 04:41

YANBU

This has happened to me in the past, but usually in busy hired places like leisure centres or trampoline parks when they would sneak them in so they don't have to pay and then the kids bomb burst and parents bugger off - cheap child care. I would say something to the staff if I noticed in time as I did not want to be responsible for them ie from a health and safety perspective. This was several years ago, so may not be possible now. Never had them actually take part in games as such - I think I would have put my foot down and say this is for the birthday boy/girl and guests only. I did have a mum push her younger daughter onto the party table and had to take her off and say sorry but I hadn't catered for her (which was true), but gave her a slice of cake at the end.

Some people are just so cheeky!

FortunesFave · 13/09/2021 05:05

I had a hilariously annoying Mum bring a BABY IN ARMS to a craft party I'd invited her 7 year old to for my DD's birthday and then fucking JOIN IN with the baby so this tiny, unaware baby 'made a gift bag and filled it with sweets" as well as it's brother!

She was walking around and doing the crafts as she held the baby and showed it the things! It was about one month old.

I had to fucking pay for that baby!

mathanxiety · 13/09/2021 05:22

Can I put it on the invitation? Or is that seen as rude? My daughter is only in year 1, and obviously no party last year due to covid! Can I also suggest that parents just drop the children and go? We're having it at home and it would be a real squeeze with 10 children and a parent each

I'm in the US and have never once experienced a child's party that wasn't drop and run, from age 4 on.

I would consider it actually really presumptuous for parents to host a party where they were relying on parents of guests to help the event run smoothly.

If you throw a party, you round up family members to help out, or pay local teens to help wrangle the children.

This includes events at venues.

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2021 06:10

It’s rude to just turn up with extra children and assume they’re invited too

Be assertive about it though, put it on the invite and say no if you need to