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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Same mum brings older siblingto parties and let's them join in

265 replies

mymobileisonsilent · 12/09/2021 17:18

Now I know some people have to bring siblings and ask in advance. However I know this person doesn't ask, as they brought their older sibling to my child's party a few weeks ago and didn't ask. I had made packed lunches, so I didn't have extra boxes . In fact they didn't even say when arriving. The very rude child then demanded lunch and a party bag, the mum was oblivious and today was style same.

Today this sibling who is at least 5 years older than the birthday child took prizes when not enough for the actual friends of the birthday girl. AIBU, or should I and al parties over cater for a everyone to bring siblings?

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 13/09/2021 13:45

If anyone needs it a 'and are you off to do something nice with your DM while X is here?' said to the lurking sibling has worked before.

GCmiddle · 13/09/2021 13:47

When my kids were small, I used to really hate it when both parents rocked up to parties and stayed . It was totally unnecessary. I did once ask someone why they brought their partner and was told that the man liked to see his child play. They all lived together in one house and the child had friends over, so he must have seen the child play hundreds of times before.

TiredButDancing · 13/09/2021 13:47

It always seems to me that this kind of thing builds up and almost becomes part of the culture until someone nips it in the bud. Eg, I am pretty sure I was part of the problem a few years ago where two mums asked if they could bring their child and I, wanting to be kind, said of course, and no need to pay etc. I think similar happened at a couple of other parties. But suddenly, we were in a situation where there were almost more siblings at events than actual guests....

.... until one brave mum put, "sorry, due to space and budget constraints, no siblings" on the invite! Grin. And suddenly people stopped doing it and the rest of us felt we could say no. I did have a few ask again subsequently and I then felt I could say yes, but you have to pay and I'm not able to provide party bags.

BlingLoving · 13/09/2021 13:51

@GCmiddle

When my kids were small, I used to really hate it when both parents rocked up to parties and stayed . It was totally unnecessary. I did once ask someone why they brought their partner and was told that the man liked to see his child play. They all lived together in one house and the child had friends over, so he must have seen the child play hundreds of times before.
I am always somewhat suspicious of this sort of situation and suspect some kind of controlling/abusive behaviour. I always wonder whether both parents are there because one parent doesn't trust the other parent. At one of DD's activities, pre Covid both parents were always there - at 9am on a Saturday! But then, between lockdowns when activities were desperately sending out messages saying, "due to social distancing etc, please just one parent" they were both still coming.

Certainly, if BIL isn't working, he would never let SIL take DS to an activity without him and while he'll say it's about "family time', we all know that's bollocks - he's just convinced she's constantly trawling for men (or women).

puffyisgood · 13/09/2021 13:56

I encountered something like this a few years ago. I think it was an old fashioned 'jelly and pass the parcel' type bash for maybe a 6th birthday party, one schoolfriend turned up with their mother who wordlessly left the invited child plus also a much older child [early teens, I think, spent their time fiddling on their phone] for a couple of hours whilst she went out and did whatever. I think something was lost in translation somewhere [I don't think the invitee's parents was born in this country].

hookiewookie29 · 13/09/2021 14:04

Had a party several years ago for my son. One invited child had 4 siblings. When I wasn't looking, she slipped out, leaving all 5 kids behind. Then had the cheek to tell them all to get a party bag when she came and picked them up. I did actually tell them they couldn't have one as they hadn't actually been invited- they weren't happy, but not my problem!

BritishSummertime · 13/09/2021 14:07

he's just convinced she's constantly trawling for men (or women).

That's really sad, I hope she plucks up the courage to leave him one day

Noshowlomo · 13/09/2021 14:16

Oh god my son is 2.5 and I have all this to look forward to don't I? I quite like challenging a CF but if I am caught off guard ...
But they are deffo CFs!

BlingLoving · 13/09/2021 14:22

@BritishSummertime

he's just convinced she's constantly trawling for men (or women).

That's really sad, I hope she plucks up the courage to leave him one day

We can only hope. She doesn't like it, and pushes back, but honestly doesn't seem to see quite how crazy it is. It's packaged as, "shame, he's very insecure, I need to help him feel better". Sigh.

But spend a few hours on here and you realise how common it is....

TurquoiseDragon · 13/09/2021 14:25

In my experience, these CFs don't reciprocate either. For the ones I knew, when their child had a birthday, we'd know after the fact when the child told classmates they'd gone off out of town to do something for their birthday.

Lollipop40 · 13/09/2021 14:29

It’s interesting that this happens so often but no one is owning up to actually doing it themselves!

It happened at a few of our parties. At one, a sports party at a leisure centre, an older sibling turned up who joined in without the parents asking. He also sat down and ate at the party table, again without anyone asking.

Numbers were limited as if it went over a certain number of kids then we needed an extra instructor, which we didn’t book. Luckily one kid didn’t turn up so we didn’t have to pay. I did do food boxes so there wouldn’t have been enough if all the children had attended. I couldn’t believe the cheek of him joining in and sitting to eat without asking first.

CatsArePeople · 13/09/2021 14:59

you should have had the "Yuck!" bucket Grin

Noodledoodledoo · 13/09/2021 18:57

@TiredButDancing

It always seems to me that this kind of thing builds up and almost becomes part of the culture until someone nips it in the bud. Eg, I am pretty sure I was part of the problem a few years ago where two mums asked if they could bring their child and I, wanting to be kind, said of course, and no need to pay etc. I think similar happened at a couple of other parties. But suddenly, we were in a situation where there were almost more siblings at events than actual guests....

.... until one brave mum put, "sorry, due to space and budget constraints, no siblings" on the invite! Grin. And suddenly people stopped doing it and the rest of us felt we could say no. I did have a few ask again subsequently and I then felt I could say yes, but you have to pay and I'm not able to provide party bags.

I have said this on my daughters invite, I am now receiving offers to help me - I have plenty of help required but the emotional blackmail is immense!

I am trying so hard to put my big girl pants on and stick to my guns!

Original poster
mymobileisonsilent · 13/09/2021 21:07

@Noodledoodledoo what as in can I bring my 10 year old too and they can help you with lunch ?

I am putting something like NO SIBLINGS next time I do a party as prob will do an activity. Im sure no one will read it or think it applies to them. It's hard to be seen as horrible, when actually they are piss takers.

OP posts:
Isahlo · 13/09/2021 22:26

@FortunesFave

I had a hilariously annoying Mum bring a BABY IN ARMS to a craft party I'd invited her 7 year old to for my DD's birthday and then fucking JOIN IN with the baby so this tiny, unaware baby 'made a gift bag and filled it with sweets" as well as it's brother!

She was walking around and doing the crafts as she held the baby and showed it the things! It was about one month old.

I had to fucking pay for that baby!

This is brilliant
myheartskippedabeat · 13/09/2021 22:46

I wouldn't invite them end of

myheartskippedabeat · 13/09/2021 22:53

@Somethingwicked9

I’m dreading this … it’s my sons birthday in feb and we are planning a proper party for his friends from nursery but there is one mum who I KNOW will bring her boys two older sisters there sisters are cheeky little shits … excuse my mouth but it’s true someone at the last party asked where her husband was and she said “ in the house watching football” so it’s not even like the other half’s not at home to look after them the girls push and bully the younger kids I have to grit my teeth when I see them … they have never done anything to my son as such “ wouldn’t allow it “ but it’s the way she does it she just shows up and the girls are in party dresses you can see the mum or dad grimes but everyone seems to scared to say anything to her !! I have seen her a few times go up to the kids buffet table and start eating off it before the mums or dads have said it’s ok for kids to eat , she’s not poor she lives in one of the biggest houses in the village … I really want to stand up to her at my sons party as I don’t want the girls their … but don’t know where to start
Just don't invite that child then they won't come - simple!
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/09/2021 06:55

Much easier when it’s a private venue slot as they had a name list so no one was allowed in that hadn’t been named.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/09/2021 09:29

@Noodledoodledoo - the only acceptable answer if you're offered assistance at these parties (i.e. the siblings would be staying and 'helping you out') is "No, thanks, we've got everything in hand. No additional helpers are needed at the party"

Plumtree391 · 14/09/2021 09:59

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Much easier when it’s a private venue slot as they had a name list so no one was allowed in that hadn’t been named.
Yes - or at a restaurant with a table and enough chairs only for the children invited. If the parent is at a loose end and doesn't want to go round the shops or whatever with another child, they can sit on a separate table on their own and have a bite to eat while they wait. I've seen that done and nobody seems to mind.

If the party is at home you just open the door, greet the child telling them to go on in and then tell the parent to come back at such and such time to pick up. However that is what most would do anyway.

Jumpingintosummer · 14/09/2021 10:16

@KingsleyShacklebolt

*Also went to a 5 year old disco party where this happened, a 11 year old sibling won all the dancing games..,.. not fair on little ones"

Easily avoided though with a quick word to the entertainer - don't let CF sibling win a thing.

Exactly. I’m afraid people need to speak up.
Endlesscleaning · 14/09/2021 10:41

Just to say it’s not the sibling’s fault. Our car broke down as we were dropping my elder brother off at a party. I had to stay there with my DM, the party mother looked really put out and told my DM I couldn’t join in.

I was 5 and had to sit on the side whilst everyone else was playing then eating. Eventually my mother asked if I could have a glass of water and a left over cupcake. The party mother gave me some water but said no to the cake. I was so hungry.

I’ve never forgotten it and have always tried to be kind to unexpected siblings after that.

MaryHadALittleRam · 14/09/2021 11:10

Those were exceptional circumstances @Endlesscleaning that's not what being described here
Those hosts were bad mannered, most people would be kind in that situation

LookItsMeAgain · 14/09/2021 15:26

@CatsArePeople - what is the "Yuck! bucket"?

Holskey · 14/09/2021 17:04

@Endlesscleaning

Just to say it’s not the sibling’s fault. Our car broke down as we were dropping my elder brother off at a party. I had to stay there with my DM, the party mother looked really put out and told my DM I couldn’t join in.

I was 5 and had to sit on the side whilst everyone else was playing then eating. Eventually my mother asked if I could have a glass of water and a left over cupcake. The party mother gave me some water but said no to the cake. I was so hungry.

I’ve never forgotten it and have always tried to be kind to unexpected siblings after that.

Your car broke down at the host's house? I'm guessing your mum wasn't intending to stay with your brother (given she hadn't intended for you to attend) in which case, I think I would have waited with my car for the AA or similar.