To think I am idealising this idea? (Remote living)

[AtlasPine]

What is it really like living remotely? I dream of a house on a hillside miles from town but that’s possibly because of being in one of the busier parts of London now. Have you or do you live remotely? What are the unexpected pitfalls? Would you recommend it in practice?

@EverybodyIsInteresting

The man who asked was all in favour of my coming here and trying to find reasons for approval from others who I did not know then were difficult men... sheer kind diplomacy

The fact that he felt he needed to find reasons for you to be approved by others says enough.

Gee you are prickly … lol... Like the island gorse.

Not at all. I was actually delighted when he started to ask more about me. After all I knew by then as we had chatted for a while that he was born on the island, had been driving boats since he was six.

And it was obvious by my voice that I am English so he knew that. He was simply finding links with Ireland is all. Which I have.

This man goes out of his way to help and support all the islanders. I have no issues with anything that day.

And he has the interests of the island at heart ..

That is the foundation of community. Openness and friendly conversation - and not taking offence where none is intended or real

@AlphabetAerobics

😂 fuck me. I’ve lived in a city bigger than London and of COURSE people are curious about where you come from/what’s your story?

I never once assumed “racist plonker” - but always told them what they wanted to hear.

If people had zero interest in anything outside themselves they’d really not be much fun to be around. I assume you’re not interested in eg the stories of women fleeing Afghanistan? That you’ll just pretend they were born and bred Henley so you don’t appear small-minded?

Ah thank you so very much. lol …

It wasn't an observation about him.

It was an observation about the 'others who (you) did not know then were difficult men' and the fact that he needed to find 'to find reasons for approval'.

@EverybodyIsInteresting

fuck me. I’ve lived in a city bigger than London and of COURSE people are curious about where you come from/what’s your story?

There's a big difference between being interested in the person's story, and quizzing them on their ancestry!

No there isn't actually. And as I said before, you clearly know nothing re Irish history and culture. Ancestry is very very important in Ireland. Whatever your origins it is a a basic topic in conversation and I am a foreigner in a strange land.

I do and saw nothing untoward or offensive in his conversation. Far from it.

I was very happy with that first meeting. Even happier when I called him a few days later to make an appointment to visit and view a rental on the island.

being cut off from other kids my age was really bad for my development. I started university at 18 having never kissed anyone, never dated, never really having been to a party. I was painfully shy and was probably naive to a dangerous extent, as were others who grew up very rurally.

Quite a bit of that applies to me, although I grew up in suburban London. I wasn't naive, but the rest applies. That was down to going to a very rough comprehensive school where I was badly bullied and so ended up severely lacking in self esteem. Nowhere is perfect, there are advantages and disadvantages to any kind of living

@EverybodyIsInteresting

It wasn't an observation about him.

It was an observation about the 'others who (you) did not know then were difficult men' and the fact that he needed to find 'to find reasons for approval'.

YAAAWWWWNNNN

Actually YOU are being far more intrusive and offensive than he was or than anyone here...lol....

One last point. If you are coming into a very old traditional community on a small island or anywhere remote you? You stay courteous, do not take offence. Do not push.
A small remote community is their home and so much more.
And that is to be honoured and respected.

Ireland is a foreign land. I am an incomer,

Over and our from me. Expecting a delivery of many bags of good island turf... Six years on..
Bye

No there isn't actually

Yes there is.

In the example someone else used, if I spoke to an Afghan refugee, I wouldn't be asking who their grandparents were in order to find a way for them to be accepted.

I would be interested in them and their life.

You are happy with being quizzed, that's fine. You seem to be okay with needing to prove your heritage in order to meet with others approval. That's fine too. Your life.

I prefer to be somewhere where that doesn't matter. Where I can be me without every man and his dog trying to find a box to put me in. And, in my opinion, that's fine too.

Actually YOU are being far more intrusive and offensive

I apologise that my experience and feelings about my own life are so offensive to you.

@BertramLacey

being cut off from other kids my age was really bad for my development. I started university at 18 having never kissed anyone, never dated, never really having been to a party. I was painfully shy and was probably naive to a dangerous extent, as were others who grew up very rurally.

Quite a bit of that applies to me, although I grew up in suburban London. I wasn't naive, but the rest applies. That was down to going to a very rough comprehensive school where I was badly bullied and so ended up severely lacking in self esteem. Nowhere is perfect, there are advantages and disadvantages to any kind of living

In fairness though, you did have options. Not wanting to do things is very different to not being able to do them.

In fairness though, you did have options. Not wanting to do things is very different to not being able to do them.

I see your point and I agree that in general there is, of course, more going on in cities than in isolated areas. However, it didn't feel like a choice. I had no-one to go with, and would have been bullied, beaten up and ostracised if I had gone, so it didn't present as a choice. I don't know if the bullying would have been less bad elsewhere - maybe it would have been caught earlier and dealt with better? Maybe I'd have had better escape routes? I don't know.

@BertramLacey

In fairness though, you did have options. Not wanting to do things is very different to not being able to do them.

I see your point and I agree that in general there is, of course, more going on in cities than in isolated areas. However, it didn't feel like a choice. I had no-one to go with, and would have been bullied, beaten up and ostracised if I had gone, so it didn't present as a choice. I don't know if the bullying would have been less bad elsewhere - maybe it would have been caught earlier and dealt with better? Maybe I'd have had better escape routes? I don't know.

People wjobd

I prefer to be somewhere where that doesn't matter. Where I can be me without every man and his dog trying to find a box to put me in. And, in my opinion, that's fine too.

I agree with this and this is why ultimately I think I would really struggle to settle somewhere really remote.

I can totally understand what @SoloISland says about the need for incomers to respect the heritage of the people who have been living somewhere and not push to change things or throw your weight around. That's totally reasonable.

But ultimately I want to reserve the right to be who I choose to be, not have my place in the ecosystem assigned to me by people just because they have lived somewhere longer than me. And I don't want people assuming I am no more than the sum total of my upbringing and background.

Not all small rural communities are backwards-looking by a long stretch but in my experience there is definitely a sense that you have to fit in with what the community wants and occupy what they see as your rightful place if you want to fit in.

Call me selfish but I'd rather live somewhere where I can make my own rules. And cities let you get on with it in a way small towns generally don't.

I can totally understand what @SoloISland says about the need for incomers to respect the heritage of the people who have been living somewhere and not push to change things or throw your weight around. That's totally reasonable

Fully in agreement with this. But then, being from a remote place means I've seen it happen all too often, and it rarely end with those that do that settling in permanently.

If I have said anything that suggests otherwise, then it's a misinterpretation based on the fact that I'm not taking as an incomer, I'm talking as a 'born and bred with a family tree that goes back many generations on both sides'.

I’m autistic and did half my high school on a remote island - and half in London.

Was bullied and felt out-of-place in both. Teenagers are utter cunts to each other.

It takes a while to grow into yourself.

@AtlasPine

What is it really like living remotely? I dream of a house on a hillside miles from town but that’s possibly because of being in one of the busier parts of London now. Have you or do you live remotely? What are the unexpected pitfalls? Would you recommend it in practice?

If you choose it in full awareness and both reality andlonging and practicality ?

It is close to heaven on earth.

Not about transferring all you usually have and do to a house on a hill or island, or among a disparate community enclosed in walls.

That is what I read in the OPs OP.
And what I sought all my fractured life in a chaotic world
And what I I hold close out here on this small peaceful island.

Not about relationships as such.

It is about being apart, separate. Remote from other dwellings and other people. About interacting for practical and other needs - but remaining remote. Apart. . With a complete and intense separation from others except for essential needs, and with all needs met as apart as possible,

Remote COMMUNITIES are a different lifestyle altogether. As many posts show.
Not what the OP set alight in MY heart.. or rather what is so intensely in my heart and in my chosen and oh so ….. treasured.... lifestyle. Been a long while waiting for this. lol... And it is real out here. I am apart from the tiny island community, through tradition and choice. . I am the lady who is rarely seen... Who cares for cats.... who lives so quietly and grows flowers and vegetables, and knits for love. Wh will not let us cut the driveway as there are rare wild flowers there. lol.

Remote is to be known but not to take active part, and not to burden and involve.Not thus to take any real part in the life of any community no matter how remote. Although with with the depopulation challenge we face out here I am of great value. Respected as I respect. But apart in all ways.

As many here know, as well as being old at nearly eighty. I am seriously limited and disabled with a major crippling illness; CFS/ME. They do no t know that here. They know I am at risk from covid as are all old folk But not more than that.

That is mine to bear and this isolation is part of living remote. For me. I do have support of course.

I came to mumssnet after glimpsing a post re nuns and hermits. Maybe look at that thread... lol... It has opened a world I play no part in; so many wonderful folk and so many problems and griefs. An honour ro be here.

Not checking the thread the as it is far too disparate and confrontational etc now and I am I am far from well

Living remotely for me is silence and a healing. The deepest of prayers. Staying apart.

Stay safe out there.. Blessings and peace.

When my neighbours moved to our village (fair size and on a bus route) they pledged never to complain about ferrying their kids around to anything they wanted to do or anywhere they wanted to go that they would have had independent access to if their parents hadn't chosen to move out of town.

What was the nuns and hermits thread, @SoloISland?

The sweet spot of course is a bit of both, if you can afford it... Somewhere in town and a quiet place well away from the hustle and bustle.

@Scarby9

When my neighbours moved to our village (fair size and on a bus route) they pledged never to complain about ferrying their kids around to anything they wanted to do or anywhere they wanted to go that they would have had independent access to if their parents hadn't chosen to move out of town.

This is only fair, IMO. My parents often refused to drive me to places, or complained about it, or made me feel guilty as if they were doing me a favour. I think this is incredibly cruel. If you choose to move to a rural area, IMO it's on you to make sure your kids don't miss out on social development, hobbies, etc. given that they're unable to have any independence because of your choice. I'd go as far to say it's fair to pay for driving lessons and even access to a car, because it's miserable being 17 and stuck in your parents' house begging them for lifts, and if you can't get anywhere, you can't have a job either!

@BertramLacey

In fairness though, you did have options. Not wanting to do things is very different to not being able to do them.

I see your point and I agree that in general there is, of course, more going on in cities than in isolated areas. However, it didn't feel like a choice. I had no-one to go with, and would have been bullied, beaten up and ostracised if I had gone, so it didn't present as a choice. I don't know if the bullying would have been less bad elsewhere - maybe it would have been caught earlier and dealt with better? Maybe I'd have had better escape routes? I don't know.

You could have theoretically changed schools. Attended out of school clubs with people who accepted you. There’s a lot of things you could have done. Zero chance on a remote place with small population.

I agree with @thepeopleversuswork - in a remote place there’s a single ‘community’. You’re either in or out. A bigger place has many communities, and you can always find your tribe. Of course there will always be people who claim that they couldn’t find like-minded people in a town, they found it in a remote village etc but on balance of probabilities the former has more opportunities. And not being accepted has more damaging consequences because you’re more reliant on other people’s help.

This thread has made me decide not to move to a remote community until I’m retired or personally know someone who moved there. I’m not very organised and certainly don’t want to audition for acceptance. Despite the picturesque description of star-filled skies…

I think about moving rural a LOT. I would love it. I don't eat takeaways and don't really think I've ever thought about septic tanks versus sewage very much.

I live in the suburbs of a city, but due to poor transport connections and living by hugely, busy three-lane main roads, a lot of the time I feel like we have all the 'cons' too. There are no clubs and classes for the kids to join unless you take three buses to another suburb. No music or art taught in the schools as they can't afford them. No green space and nowhere to play out or meet friends. 2.7 miles from school and friends' homes, because you get the place you're given.

I already feel our quality of life has none of the benefits of the city, yet also none of the upsides of rural - we have no community, no local events or markets or shops, no clean space.

Spent the summer rural and loved every second. Wonderful not to hear locals yelling the c-word at one another, vomiting in the street on the school run or taking 2-3 buses to get anywhere at all.

Wonderful not to hear locals yelling the c-word at one another

Well my experience is that this is pretty common in the countryside too I'm afraid!

No kerbside bin deliveries! What happens with rubbish?

@Rannva That's exactly how I felt when we went to view houses in suburban developments.
In the end we couldn't actually afford these houses anyway, not in the areas of our city we would've liked to live in.
So we moved further out, to a place that looks like it's in the middle of nowhere but is actually just a 20 minute drive to the city.
It's the best move we've ever made. Yes, we do have to drive everywhere but 20 minutes is nothing really. Still go to the shops, cinema, theatre, sports club, see friends in the city, go to work there, but come home to almost total isolation (only 2 neighbours nearby and they're pretty quiet OAPs)...peace and quiet, uninterrupted country views from front and back of the house, secluded garden, fresh air, wildlife.

The internet is fine, no slower than in the city, we have gas, the roads are Ok as we're not far from a dual carriageway.
We do have a septic tank but there haven't been any problems with that.

To the OP: I don't think I could go properly remote, but it doesn't have to be city or middle of nowhere, there are lots of options in between. I hope you find your place!

No kerbside bin deliveries! What happens with rubbish?

Depends. I lived somewhere with kerbside collection, so long as I deposited it at the end of a 1/4 mile track myself. Where my parents live there are communal bins that are collected periodically.

But if you buy less and are more organised, you also tend to waste less.