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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I am idealising this idea? (Remote living)

238 replies

AtlasPine · 12/09/2021 12:25

What is it really like living remotely? I dream of a house on a hillside miles from town but that’s possibly because of being in one of the busier parts of London now. Have you or do you live remotely? What are the unexpected pitfalls? Would you recommend it in practice?

OP posts:
Stircraazy · 15/09/2021 10:23

Drug use is commonplace among teenagers, regardless of their family situation. You may not have encountered it with your son

Yes, but the claim was that it was much worse in the countryside due to being bored. Which I didn't agree with. I'm pretty sure it's everywhere. Fortnite is available in the countryside too.
It was a big problem years ago when I lived in Aberdeenshire - stuff coming ashore off boats but that was the coast. not the countryside imv.

EdgeOfTheSky · 15/09/2021 11:32

OP: I am your adult children but a decade or so further on.

I grew up in a coastal / rural isolated area, and then after some time in a city for work my parents retired back to the coast for peace, quiet, views etc.

It is a fucking nightmare. They ‘live their house’ so declined to look for something more sensible once old age advanced. Even if they had found a better house, they are an hour’s drive from the nearest hospital. Health provision is very sparse. Visiting carers more so, few available, distances etc.

It takes me 3.5 hours to get to where they live. Journey not at all practical by public transport.

There is no mains gas where they live, oil deliveries are a nightmare, my brother is today driving 45 mins each way to sort out the gas bottle for the hob which has stopped working. He makes numerous such visits.

It saps the life out of us and what used to be a nice break in a lovely part of the world is now a non stop litany of need and duty, largely caused by their isolated location in an area with poor infrastructure.

Despite the constant refrain from our parents when they were younger of ‘we never want to be a burden / put us in a home’ etc etc. Frailty is no barrier to stubbornness!

FGS take this sort of stuff into account.

Macncheeseballs · 15/09/2021 11:36

Edgeofsky, one of You could move nearer your parents and 45 mins isn't exactly far away anyway

AtlasPine · 15/09/2021 11:43

@edgeofthesky - Iwill, it’s a very valid point.

OP posts:
Rozziie · 15/09/2021 12:14

@EdgeOfTheSky

OP: I am your adult children but a decade or so further on.

I grew up in a coastal / rural isolated area, and then after some time in a city for work my parents retired back to the coast for peace, quiet, views etc.

It is a fucking nightmare. They ‘live their house’ so declined to look for something more sensible once old age advanced. Even if they had found a better house, they are an hour’s drive from the nearest hospital. Health provision is very sparse. Visiting carers more so, few available, distances etc.

It takes me 3.5 hours to get to where they live. Journey not at all practical by public transport.

There is no mains gas where they live, oil deliveries are a nightmare, my brother is today driving 45 mins each way to sort out the gas bottle for the hob which has stopped working. He makes numerous such visits.

It saps the life out of us and what used to be a nice break in a lovely part of the world is now a non stop litany of need and duty, largely caused by their isolated location in an area with poor infrastructure.

Despite the constant refrain from our parents when they were younger of ‘we never want to be a burden / put us in a home’ etc etc. Frailty is no barrier to stubbornness!

FGS take this sort of stuff into account.

Yep.

I remember many freezing cold winters, including one Christmas, sitting in a freezing cold house shivering in a blanket because we couldn't get an oil delivery due to the weather. No heating, no hot water. The electricity would also regularly go off for days at a time, ruining everything in the freezer. I remember being in tears trying to revise for exams in these conditions.

One of my siblings had serious disabilities/illnesses requiring regular 4-hour round trips to the assigned hospital - another consideration. Hospital visits aren't always for accidents or emergencies. He ended up missing way more school than he needed to, and it affected my mum's ability to work because she needed so much time off to take him there. You could never just pop out for an hour.

Rozziie · 15/09/2021 12:15

@Macncheeseballs

Edgeofsky, one of You could move nearer your parents and 45 mins isn't exactly far away anyway
It sounds like she can't, given that it's a rural and isolated area! How is she supposed to get to work?
Balonzette · 15/09/2021 12:49

I loved it in some ways and hated others.

Loved being in countryside at at the beach, lpvef early mornings and nighttimes and the smells and sounds and peace of nature.

Hated not being able to be spontaneous. Couldn't grab a couple of beers if I bumped into a friend in town, as I'd have to ditch the car in town for the night (so far away from home) and a cab home was so expensive, and journey would need to be repeated the next day, couldn't really justify it. Dinner in a restaurant was sort of ruined by this too - the idea of the huge drive home sort of killed the relaxation and enjoyment of the whole thing. Couldn't have a glass of wine with dinner. Couldn't just spontaneously decide to bake/cook something unless we already had every single ingredient in the house as so far to the nearest shop! By the time I'd driven to grab the missing ingredient, I'd have gone off the whole idea of cooking it. Couldn't order a decent take away. Couldn't have friends over very often without it being a proper event because of the difficulty/inconvenience getting there/away from the nearest town. If I didn't have the car I was basically stuck, couldn't do anything for the day, it was so boring. While the early mornings and nighttimes were lovely, daytimes were often painfully dull and even a bit lonely.

I'd not live so remotely again. I love the countryside but would make sure to live somewhere with a) a couple of decent shops b) q pub/cafe and c) decent public transport incase of car issues. Not so remote as to be bored, but still with the peace.

EdgeOfTheSky · 15/09/2021 12:52

@Macncheeseballs

Edgeofsky, one of You could move nearer your parents and 45 mins isn't exactly far away anyway
No, I cannot move and still do my job. Not anywhere like the area my parents live in.

And yes, actually, 45 mins each way is an hour and a half driving, with additional ‘fixing the problem’ time and is often a massive burden when needed as an emergency amidst a f/t job and family life. 45 mins fine for planned weekend family / social visits.

Yes, all fine and dandy if we are all prepared to turn our lives and finances upside down to accommodate our parents’ isolated living.

I will not be inflicting this on my own children.

I quit because of rhe negativity in the thread by folk who clearly were unsuited to remote life and really were not in the right fit of a place

The right fit of the place is important. And too often a fantasy or idealised vision takes hold. You sound great, Solo, the right future, and independent enough to endure or tough it out if help is not to hand.

Many of us carry the burden of guilt and compassion and would not see our parents lie on the floor all day after a fall until we can visit at leisure. For example.

ChiaraRimini · 15/09/2021 12:54

Edgeofthesky, my inlaws did the same, retired to the middle of nowhere without thinking about practicalities.Fortunately FIL stayed fit but MIL sadly became terminally ill with cancer and it was a 4 hour drive to the hospital where she had treatment.

debwong · 15/09/2021 14:08

@SoloISland

I live on a small offshore island off the west coast of Ireland. Waited a long time for this and already had ten years on an outer Orkney island twenty years ago.

For me it i all I seek. I am nearly eighty and was on disability before I retired so I am well used to a very simply lifestyle.

I have only been off island once in the last two years ; been here six years, And that was by Rescue Air Ambulance in a medical emergency . From my call it was less than half an hour to the hospital . . By ferry then road would have been at least two hours.

Medical care accessible by visiting GP .

Good supply lines. And an excellent postal service. They do a special shoppers ferry every week so I email a list every two weeks and it is delivered to my door. Coastal areas here are very practical and extent that to the isles. Good competitive, prices from a main supermarket that like most rural places sells everything, I even now get a whole cooked chicken with every order..

Good power supply . apparently is used to be unreliable but they laid cables under the ocean and excellent now. One short power cut in my six years here. Good water supply etc and am well used to septic tanks after two decades of rural life out here in the wild west of Ireland. I cook by bottled gas by preference and always a spare bottle on hand. One lasts at least three months.

Heating by excellent solid fuel stove that heats the water and runs radiators. I buy turf from my neighbour so the money stays on island and occasionally smokeless coal eggs . That come over on the ferry

Excellent small local broadband firm. Skilled at coastal regions. The dish is on the north ocean facing wall and never a flicker in the worst of gales. Costs much less than digiweb and coverage is full time with no limitations on it

Winter; well we get gales in off the Atlantic from next month onwards, but between Orkney and Ireland I am well used to them. .. Rarely snow. Rarely frost.

And of course copious supplies are squirrelled away . That is just common sense. I have at any time enough dry goods to last three months and a normal size freezer is fine. Just finishing restocking now.

We are few out here and the silence and peace are deep and total. I lie abed in the dark bliss of night and soak in the sheer utter peace. We are on the edge of a Dark Sky area so just lighthouses and harbour lights.

And of course I know who to call in need. Actually far more available than in a town. We are neighbours. Not strangers.

Life is very seasonal but I love that mightily. And prefer winter to summer. hated winter in towns. Out here it is wondrously bleak. Walking against the wind. I used to be terrified in the bad gales but better now. Orkeny was worse; gusts of a hundred and twrenty four miles per hour r for three days once.

And I love to be out in the very early hours. Total peace and the sheer beauty of the silent or roaring ocean. I give thanks every day now.

And for me what others see as cons? I was never one to eat out or get takeways. Or cinemas etc. I miss a library ,, But with the internet? Someone sent me when I asked a copy of Lord of the Rings and I am ekeing it out; just not the same reading online, lol...
Nio TV by choice but I gather there is good reception.

So happy here I am. I was on the lane at first light, picking blackberries and wild flowers. Then home to a good breakfast

But then I have had all the other remote places and it is my natural element.. and on my own is easy too.

Very well described, thank you.
LoveMySituation · 15/09/2021 16:04

I grew up rurally from 13 onwards. For those saying that there isn't a rural drugs problem or that it isn't caused by bored teenagers, all I can say is one of the first things I became aware of after moving there was the designated pub that drugs were bought in. Not by me BTW. Also have seen deals conducted in local picturesque gardens by the castle. Also my teenage son about five miles from where I was, refuses to go to the local skate park as its full of bored teenagers taking drugs.

BertramLacey · 15/09/2021 18:44

Yes, all fine and dandy if we are all prepared to turn our lives and finances upside down to accommodate our parents’ isolated living.

I feel the same about my parents. They are a minimum six-hour journey away from any of their children, and that's if you fly. Yes, I am in a more rural setting, but I can get to a mainline train station in half an hour and then into London in another 2 hours. It was my parents' decision to move somewhere very isolated in another country. Moving to suit your parents, when they have already knowingly moved away from help, just isn't practical. And to be fair to my parents I don't think it's something they want and they do regret being where they are now but also don't really want to move away, as at their age they cannot cope with the upheaval.

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/09/2021 22:04

@Balonzette

I loved it in some ways and hated others.

Loved being in countryside at at the beach, lpvef early mornings and nighttimes and the smells and sounds and peace of nature.

Hated not being able to be spontaneous. Couldn't grab a couple of beers if I bumped into a friend in town, as I'd have to ditch the car in town for the night (so far away from home) and a cab home was so expensive, and journey would need to be repeated the next day, couldn't really justify it. Dinner in a restaurant was sort of ruined by this too - the idea of the huge drive home sort of killed the relaxation and enjoyment of the whole thing. Couldn't have a glass of wine with dinner. Couldn't just spontaneously decide to bake/cook something unless we already had every single ingredient in the house as so far to the nearest shop! By the time I'd driven to grab the missing ingredient, I'd have gone off the whole idea of cooking it. Couldn't order a decent take away. Couldn't have friends over very often without it being a proper event because of the difficulty/inconvenience getting there/away from the nearest town. If I didn't have the car I was basically stuck, couldn't do anything for the day, it was so boring. While the early mornings and nighttimes were lovely, daytimes were often painfully dull and even a bit lonely.

I'd not live so remotely again. I love the countryside but would make sure to live somewhere with a) a couple of decent shops b) q pub/cafe and c) decent public transport incase of car issues. Not so remote as to be bored, but still with the peace.

The consensus then it takes a certain type of personality. Like my DP who would happily live in a cave and play video games all day. He would pay someone to organise the oil/gas/electricity etc and have a lovely island life. Might struggle a bit with amazon deliveries though. I can't, I love going out and little cafe trips. Nature is nice but only for visiting :) maybe when I'm older and more worn out with the world
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