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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To finally leave DP over this?

236 replies

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:07

Bit of background, me and DP have been together approx 6 years. Have a toddler DS together, live together but unmarried. House we are living in is rented from my family.

Me and DP have been having some serious issues the past few months. He broke my trust in a big way, and then instead of just apologising he got quite manipulative and tried to turn the situation round on me. I wasn't having that and told him it was over between us. He managed to convince me to give it one more go and for the sake of our DS I agreed.

So things have been a bit awkward since then but slowly getting back to normal. Until yesterday, I got some bad news that a close friend is very sick. The diagnosis is life changing and potentially fatal (they are currently awaiting more results to see how bad it is) obviously this was extremely upsetting, and I really just needed my DP to support me deal with this so that I in turn could be there for my friend. However, he was just useless. Was not supportive at all, and just made everything harder as I was having to deal with his shitty behaviour whilst also trying to process this information about my friend. We argued about this yesterday with no resolution.

He had plans to meet up with his ex today (they are still friends and meet up every few months for a catch up. I don't like it but not the hill I was willing to die on) he was meant to take DS with him so that I could have a day to myself to get the house cleaned and tidied. He woke up this morning and asked if I really needed him to take DS with him - you know the way people seem like they're giving you the choice but they're really not. So he's left DS here, and now I'm just sat here crying at how he could be such an asshole to 1) abandon me to hang out with his ex when I'm struggling with things and 2) not even take DS with him like he said he would to make my load a little easier.

I just feel so alone, like I have no support from him and I honestly am feeling like I could just end it. I know if I speak to him about this he will make out I'm being massively unreasonable and he's entitled to hang out with his friends etc so AIBU?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 12/09/2021 10:11

You’re entitled to leave a relationship for any reason you like.

Having an uncaring, unsupportive partner who is untrustworthy and shirks parenting seems like a pretty solid reason to me.

If you think it’s worth saving then counselling to work through issues might be a way forward.

I’m sorry about your friend. I hope their prognosis is the best possible.

tocas · 12/09/2021 10:11

Didn't want to read and run
Sorry you are going through this and sorry about your friend,.
What was the initial thing that happened that shook the relationship? How was the relationship before then?
Do you see a long-term future together?
It sounds like he has been very insensitive with how he has handled today - did you tell him you are upset and need more support? Sometimes you have to spell it out for people.
It sounds like if you want to persevere with the relationship then you need counselling together.
Ywnbu for finishing things if you think it is the end of the road, truly, but counselling can help a lot.

Bonheurdupasse · 12/09/2021 10:15

He’s not worth it.

madroid · 12/09/2021 10:16

Someone who kicks you when you’re down, who is unsupportive when you need them most is often emotionally abusive. They see your vulnerability as an opportunity to exercise power over you.

I would end it. You are not getting any form of support, you may as well be a single parent.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 12/09/2021 10:17

He is out with his ex? Perfect time to shove his stuff into the garden.
And lock the door.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 12/09/2021 10:18

He is so selfish and uncaring.
Yes, you should end it. He doesn't care about you at all.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 12/09/2021 10:18

Bag his belongings and put them outside. Lock the doors and leave the keys turned so he can't get in.

flummingbird · 12/09/2021 10:19

I don't usually chip in, but it rings so many bells with me. I would absolutely be asking him to move out when your DS is in bed later. You deserve so much better than this.

TimeForTeaAndG · 12/09/2021 10:20

Tbh, I wouldn't bother with counselling. He can't be relied on, not then, not now. Clearly his wants are more important.

I'm sorry about your friend,OP, I hope the results come back quickly. Take a breath. Leave the tidying and cleaning, take your DS and do something nice.

cutebutscary · 12/09/2021 10:21

I suspect you know the answer already . He sound like a selfish uncaring unsupportive man . You are better off without him. Hope it goes well

Original poster

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:21

I'm just looking back through our relationship and there have been a few instances where something really upsetting / traumatic was happening and I really needed him to step up and look after me and it's just never happened. Probably very outing but about a year before DS came along I wasn't feeling well, I was in so much pain to the point I couldn't speak. Turns out I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I had to drive myself to A&E because he didn't do anything, just sat and watched me in pain trying to talk to 111. (Btw in hindsight I know I should have just called an ambulance but I was scared and in pain and through I would be wasting nhs resources - stupid I know)

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 12/09/2021 10:23

Why on Earth are you letting it slide that he’s regularly seeing his ex?! That seems utterly crazy to me. And then he prioritises her over you in this situation? You have to dump him.

Babyroobs · 12/09/2021 10:23

He sounds utterly selfish. I wouldn't put up with him spending a weekend day with an ex at all let alone when you have a toddler and have had upsetting news that you need to process. Stupid selfish man.

FayKnights · 12/09/2021 10:24

I totally agree with the above.
Also, have a bloody good cry, then get yourself sorted and get have a nice day out with your gorgeous boy, even if it’s just a trip to a nice coffee shop for a hot chocolate and a bit of cake.
Sod the cleaning, it’s not going anywhere.

Original poster

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:25

I don't know why I haven't put up a fight about seeing the ex tbh. I spoke to him once about how it made me feel a bit weird and he said that just because they weren't in a romantic relationship anymore he didn't want to loose that friendship and made out like me kicking up a fuss would be super controlling as I wouldn't be letting him spend time with his friends

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 12/09/2021 10:25

@Pnkpicklep

This is terrible. I would have ended the relationship after this.

AmelieLovesAutumn · 12/09/2021 10:27

You are definitely not being unreasonable to expect some love & support from your partner.

What did he do that made you say you wanted out before?

Never stay 'for the children'. It's your life, you have a right to be happy and it's not a good atmosphere for the children to grown up in. They're not as stupid as a lot of people think!

He isn't 'a good Dad' otherwise he wouldn't treat his child's mother like this. If he & his ex are 'just friends' (happens occasionally but quite rare) why aren't you a part of the friendship & why was it an issue to take DS with him?

He can be an adequate father every other weekend (snd you can get a break & the opportunity to get support from family/friends)

Can you afford to stay in the house you're renting on your own (with DS)?

You deserve more than this!

I hope your friends diagnosis has the very best outcome she can hope for xx

AmelieLovesAutumn · 12/09/2021 10:29

@Pnkpicklep

Cross posted with you.

Why oh why do you stay with him???

Original poster

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:33

So I don't want to go into too much detail about the original big problem we had as it is a very specific situation so super outing but basically he was speaking to his friends about things in our relationship that I think should have been kept private and also the way he was speaking about me was very disrespectful. When I told him that was really upsetting to me he played it of like he didn't know that would upset me and it was my fault as I hadn't told him certain subjects were off limits to talk to other people about. He got quite manipulative about it with the way he tried to turn the whole situation into being my fault which hurt more than what he did in the first place tbh.

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 12/09/2021 10:34

Just call time now. It's so much easier doing things for yourself without the expectation that the adult who loves you will help, but let's you struggle. Pack him a suitcase, go out and have fun, the rest of his tat can wait until you have the time and energy.

Shouldbedoing · 12/09/2021 10:35

He's a nasty prick.

Original poster

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:37

I feel so stupid, I always considered myself quite a strong person and I thought I had a good relationship. I feel like things have just snuck up on me and now I'm just sat here like why have I tolerated being treated like this for so long?

OP posts:

Bogeyes · 12/09/2021 10:40

Is he shagging his ex? He doesn't sound like a good partner for you. He is abusive and manipulative. Get rid and move on.

TillyTopper · 12/09/2021 10:41

You don't need a reason beyond "This isn't working for me I want to leave" in order to leave.

I can see why you are unhappy - he was unsupportive about your friend (sorry you are going through this, it can be awful when a friend has bad news like this). He spends days out with his ex without DC? Sorry but something is going on there! Stop investing time in the relationship and move on, you are clearly ready to!

beastlyslumber · 12/09/2021 10:45

@Pnkpicklep

You tolerated it because it snuck up on you. He didn't get you into the relationship by being a total dick. I bet he was charming and lovely and you thought it was all great. Until he had you where he wanted you, and his true self came out.

Then you hung on because you thought it would get back to how it was in the beginning, not knowing that how it was in the beginning was literally just the bait to get you into the relationship in the first place. It's never going to get back there. It's always going to be this crap, or worse.

It is a script - everyone who's been in an abusive relationship has been through exactly this process of getting sucked in and feeling trapped. So don't blame yourself. You've done nothing wrong.

What you have to do now is get him out of your house. Do you have friends or family who could stay for a couple of days while you change the locks and pack up his stuff? It's your family's house so he has no right to stay there. Kick him out (but make sure someone is with you when you do) and then you can sort out CMS and the rest of it later. Good luck OP

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