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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To finally leave DP over this?

236 replies

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:07

Bit of background, me and DP have been together approx 6 years. Have a toddler DS together, live together but unmarried. House we are living in is rented from my family.

Me and DP have been having some serious issues the past few months. He broke my trust in a big way, and then instead of just apologising he got quite manipulative and tried to turn the situation round on me. I wasn't having that and told him it was over between us. He managed to convince me to give it one more go and for the sake of our DS I agreed.

So things have been a bit awkward since then but slowly getting back to normal. Until yesterday, I got some bad news that a close friend is very sick. The diagnosis is life changing and potentially fatal (they are currently awaiting more results to see how bad it is) obviously this was extremely upsetting, and I really just needed my DP to support me deal with this so that I in turn could be there for my friend. However, he was just useless. Was not supportive at all, and just made everything harder as I was having to deal with his shitty behaviour whilst also trying to process this information about my friend. We argued about this yesterday with no resolution.

He had plans to meet up with his ex today (they are still friends and meet up every few months for a catch up. I don't like it but not the hill I was willing to die on) he was meant to take DS with him so that I could have a day to myself to get the house cleaned and tidied. He woke up this morning and asked if I really needed him to take DS with him - you know the way people seem like they're giving you the choice but they're really not. So he's left DS here, and now I'm just sat here crying at how he could be such an asshole to 1) abandon me to hang out with his ex when I'm struggling with things and 2) not even take DS with him like he said he would to make my load a little easier.

I just feel so alone, like I have no support from him and I honestly am feeling like I could just end it. I know if I speak to him about this he will make out I'm being massively unreasonable and he's entitled to hang out with his friends etc so AIBU?

OP posts:

Treaclepie19 · 14/09/2021 13:21

Well done OP. You've done brilliantly being strong and telling him it's over. You've got this!

MatildaTheCat · 14/09/2021 13:36

There never will be any point in trying to tell him all the ways he’s let you down. You know he’ll manipulate your words and make you even more frustrated and angry.

Tell us, a friend or a counsellor if you need to get it out. Or write it down in a journal and look at it sometimes to remind yourself that you did a strong thing and are worth so much more than this.

You’ve been dignified and he’s a stupid idiot. That’s the best knowledge to have. I hope your friend does ok and you can use your energy in supporting her and caring for your DS and yourself. That’s far more productive than ruminating on a fool.

twelvefiftynine · 14/09/2021 13:43

He's acting cool and ok with it to piss you off. He likely doesn't think you're serious. Don't back down. Let him be some other woman's problem.

PerseverancePays · 14/09/2021 13:45

Get yourself a brand new notebook, a nice big one and start writing in it. Go over all the ways he’s let you down, undermined you, been unsupportive etc. Keep going until you’ve nothing left to write.
Then get another brand new notebook and write good things in it, gratitude for small things and big, never stop writing in the second book and all the new good things will overlay the bad. Your mood will lift and the cost is negligible .
Well done for telling him to leave, it easier to live with one less person to pick up after.

billy1966 · 14/09/2021 13:47

@twelvefiftynine

He's acting cool and ok with it to piss you off. He likely doesn't think you're serious. Don't back down. Let him be some other woman's problem.

This.

The good thing is he is no longer going to be a waster in your home.

Well done.

pollypocketlover · 14/09/2021 13:54

I'm so glad to hear he's out OP, he sounds awful. And like PP have said, he doesn't really think it's a compatibility issue and that you've split amicably, he knows what he's done. Be prepared for him to get nasty when he realises that you're following through with breaking up.

I will say as well, men like this like causing pain to their partners. By detailing how he's hurt you, you would be giving him entertainment and satisfaction, I wouldn't do it if I were you. As others have said, friends, family, therapists and a diary are all available if you need to vent/express yourself on the situation.

trevthecat · 14/09/2021 14:00

I also agree with @twelvefiftynine he probably doesn't think you are serious. Keep strong.

chunkyveg · 14/09/2021 14:20

Read your post back and pretend its your child that has written this to you as an adult. What would you tell them?

ChargingBuck · 14/09/2021 15:07

@PerseverancePays

Get yourself a brand new notebook, a nice big one and start writing in it. Go over all the ways he’s let you down, undermined you, been unsupportive etc. Keep going until you’ve nothing left to write. Then get another brand new notebook and write good things in it, gratitude for small things and big, never stop writing in the second book and all the new good things will overlay the bad. Your mood will lift and the cost is negligible . Well done for telling him to leave, it easier to live with one less person to pick up after.

Lovely post! Totally agree - OP, well done, stay strong, & don't let him weasel his disrespectful arse back into your life.

VeganCheesePlease · 14/09/2021 16:38

OP he sounds terrible. I'm 29 and my parents have split this year. They had a very toxic relationship and my dad said he never left because of us but I can honestly tell you myself and my brothers would have been much happier had they split years ago and didn't raise us in a toxic, dysfunctional house as well as been much more happy themselves. Honestly it's not the best thing to stay unhappy in a relationship for your child. They will be happier if you are happy.

VeganCheesePlease · 14/09/2021 16:39

Just saw your update. Good on you for knowing you deserve better!!

QueenBee52 · 14/09/2021 16:44

Good stuff OP 🌸

RedHelenB · 14/09/2021 16:49

The answer to his question was "yes, I really need you to take ds with you".

You're being a martyr and it's not fair for ds to be with you crying.

FlowerArranger · 14/09/2021 16:54

@SunshineCake

Nothing to be gained by him being told how shit he's been. He won't change, you'll have to relive it and won't get the response you need. The win here is he is GOING!!

The win here is he is GOING!!

toothpicklover · 14/09/2021 17:26

I spent months telling my ex what an arsehole he was blah blah blah, what a waste of effort and it just made me look like a pyscho tbh.

Stay strong, you will be fine and in fact you will be better than fine. People on here were great for support and also for telling me when I was being a dick...if only I'd listened more. Although I was suffering from PTSD and PND at the time wasn't thinking that clearly.

In 6 months time you will be feeling so much better than you are now. He's going, he's an arsehole and you don't need him.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/09/2021 17:39

@Pnkpicklep

So when he came back I tried to stay calm and just said "this isn't working anymore, I'd like you to move out" Surprisingly he agreed, said it wasn't working for him either and he would be out by the end of the week. I'm a bit frustrated just because he sees this as we aren't compatible but ending things on good terms whereas I have a lot of resentment for how he's treated me during our relationship. But I've kept that all in, he's still the father of my son so we need to get on to be able to parent him effectively.

I get your frustration. But in the end he wouldn't really hear what you are saying anyway. If he could, he wouldn't be doing the things he's doing in the first place. Just be happy that he'll soon be on his way to being someone else's problem.

There is a lot to be said for a peaceable separation and a swift exit. Not the least of which is being able to start co-parenting amicably.

Original poster

Pnkpicklep · 14/09/2021 18:09

Thank you everyone for your advice and positivity. I think where I've wanted to split for a while when it finally happened I thought I'd feel really happy but I just feel bitter right now. I know that keeping the peace is better in the long run so I'll keep my mouth shut. I've also got in touch with an organisation so that I can start counselling so hopefully this bad feeling will be short lived.

OP posts:

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 14/09/2021 18:14

Well done, and I really like the notebook idea! You’re right, keep your dignity; there won’t be anything to gain from trying to show him, he’ll never admit it out loud... look forward to your future now with your lovely little one, and to being able to help your friend. Best wishes to your friend for their recovery x

beastlyslumber · 14/09/2021 18:23

Well done OP

Keeping your cool and being dignified will serve you in the long run. But as soon as you can, grab a mate for a drink and tell her EVERYTHING

ChargingBuck · 14/09/2021 18:38

@Pnkpicklep

Pickle, it's quite normal to feel a sense of let-down & general lowness after finally dumping, no matter how long you've wanted to.

A large part of it is grieving for the relationship you wish you could have had, the person you wish he could have been.

We imagine these large life events (& not all dumpings are large, but this one sure is - congratulations!) are going to be cathartic, but emotions don't function neatly to order. It may take several months for your feelings to gradually come out, get reconciled, & be replaced with a sense of relief, contentment, & eventual happiness.

Really pleased for you about the counselling, that will help you manage the emotional fallout as you come to find peace with finishing this unhealthy relationship

billy1966 · 14/09/2021 20:40

Well done OP, you are so much stronger than you know.

Life is only going to get better for you.

irrate · 14/09/2021 22:44

Op your story gave me shivers, you are me 13 years ago.
Counselling gave me clarity and my confidence back please stick with it for as long as possible.
You are better off without him and so is your son. When your boy gets older he will make up his own mind about his dad and any relationship he has with him.
Cry it out, get angry and then live your life happy.

Original poster

Pnkpicklep · 19/09/2021 10:58

So not sure if anyone still is interested but today's the day. The van is here, his stuff is all packed and he's leaving.

OP posts:

beastlyslumber · 19/09/2021 11:12

Bless you @Pnkpicklep How are you holding up? You have done amazingly to get this all sorted. Everything will start getting better from this point. Have you got anything comforting planned for after he's gone? Nice bath, cake, have a friend around? Will be good to do something for yourself and DC

ChargingBuck · 19/09/2021 11:17

Hurrah!

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