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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To finally leave DP over this?

236 replies

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:07

Bit of background, me and DP have been together approx 6 years. Have a toddler DS together, live together but unmarried. House we are living in is rented from my family.

Me and DP have been having some serious issues the past few months. He broke my trust in a big way, and then instead of just apologising he got quite manipulative and tried to turn the situation round on me. I wasn't having that and told him it was over between us. He managed to convince me to give it one more go and for the sake of our DS I agreed.

So things have been a bit awkward since then but slowly getting back to normal. Until yesterday, I got some bad news that a close friend is very sick. The diagnosis is life changing and potentially fatal (they are currently awaiting more results to see how bad it is) obviously this was extremely upsetting, and I really just needed my DP to support me deal with this so that I in turn could be there for my friend. However, he was just useless. Was not supportive at all, and just made everything harder as I was having to deal with his shitty behaviour whilst also trying to process this information about my friend. We argued about this yesterday with no resolution.

He had plans to meet up with his ex today (they are still friends and meet up every few months for a catch up. I don't like it but not the hill I was willing to die on) he was meant to take DS with him so that I could have a day to myself to get the house cleaned and tidied. He woke up this morning and asked if I really needed him to take DS with him - you know the way people seem like they're giving you the choice but they're really not. So he's left DS here, and now I'm just sat here crying at how he could be such an asshole to 1) abandon me to hang out with his ex when I'm struggling with things and 2) not even take DS with him like he said he would to make my load a little easier.

I just feel so alone, like I have no support from him and I honestly am feeling like I could just end it. I know if I speak to him about this he will make out I'm being massively unreasonable and he's entitled to hang out with his friends etc so AIBU?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 19/09/2021 13:55

Right something practical to take your mind off things...time to make some steps to move on.

Do you have any shared accounts - if so close them. Make sure he is no longer on any shared credit/store cards etc.

Do you need to claim / change your benefits claim? If you can increase you budget that will help in the short term. Make sure you have your rent on the calculation - though you need to have a proper tenancy in place to do this.

Has he agreed anything in terms of contact and maintenance? If not perhaps start the Child Maintenance Calculator if you know his income and make sure you are getting what DS is entitled to from him. If he is moving 4 hours away he isn't going to be doing overnights is he!!

You have a gorgeous little bundle of chaos there in your toddler... make the most of him!!

nanbread · 19/09/2021 13:59

It will be hard, but you'll be so much better off in the long run not having him around x

earthyfire · 19/09/2021 14:06

If he was putting his ex before me then I'd tell him to go and live with her. I wouldn't tolerate it.

lolliespalooza · 19/09/2021 14:07

It's okay not to feel okay today. You are doing the right thing, but him leaving might still feel like a loss.

As everyone on this thread has said, it is clear his priority is him - not you or your DS. Don't expect that to change and be prepared for him to continue to put himself first.

This is your chance to decide how you want things to be. Put yourself and your DS first.

Deep breaths. You can do this.

irishoak · 19/09/2021 14:13

Good for you OP! You'll be amazed how quickly your mood will lift and you'll feel so much better now you've not got his presence there.

cookingisoverrated · 19/09/2021 14:16

4 hours away?!?

So this just confirms he's a shit parent as there's no reason for that other than he can't be arsed to see his own child regularly. Poor thing.

notthemum · 19/09/2021 14:21

@Pnkpicklep.
The thing that is unreasonable is that you are asking if you are being unreasonable in leaving him.
You do NOT need to ask, as pp posters have said. Anything that makes you unhappy is a good enough reason to end a relationship.

Also definately do not leave him. Your family own the house.
Tell him to fuck off.
I am sorry you are having a shit time. Stop thinking about what he might want, who cares ? He certainly doesn't care about you or your child. If you honestly feel that you cant do this for you then please do it for your child. I promise that you will be much happier (sometimes the transition period can be difficult but the end result will be a happier time for you and your child.)
Good luck. 💐🍷

MadMadMadamMim · 19/09/2021 14:23

You'll be fine. There's nothing lonelier and scarier than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't support you. I've been where you are, and you'll cope and life will get much better.

Good luck, OP!

whatever1980 · 19/09/2021 14:29

This is the first day of the rest of your life

Be excited

Think of the amazing possibilities available to you now

You've lost nothing but a burden.

Good luck!! I'm so happy to hear that you instigated this after the way you treated you.

Tistheseason17 · 19/09/2021 14:29

So sorry OP. But, it will get better from now on.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 19/09/2021 14:30

4 hours away? What an arsehole. So he doesn't give a toss about either of you. Obviously you have to apply for CMS but does the fact that he can easily move 4 hours away mean that he doesn't work?

Anyway good luck OP, I'm sure it's a nightmare at the moment but it will get better.

Sowingbees · 19/09/2021 14:53

I wish I'd had your strength and instigated a split when mine was still small. What you are going through now is tough as hell, but it is better than a lifetime with him

lisaandalan · 19/09/2021 15:06

I know it might not seem like it now, but it will turn out to be the best thing you have ever done, for you and your son.
One day soon you will be happy like you deserve to be. X

LowlandLucky · 19/09/2021 15:07

You need to allow yourself to grieve over the loss of your relationship, it doesn't matter who left who. Be kind to yourself x

Plumtree391 · 19/09/2021 15:16

@Pnkpicklep

I feel a bit numb to it all to be honest, it's very strange. Mostly I'm feeling a bit scared about the future, he's moving in with a friend about 4 hours away so it's just me and DS now
That's perfectly natural, Pnkpicklep; it would be unnatural if you didn't feel all sorts of things! You have to process what has happened and that will take time but I am sure it will be all right in the end.

One good thing is that you both agree the relationship isn't working. That really will make things easier.

Take care of yourself now, don't be afraid to cry, feel angry, frightened or anything else. You will get through this.

Flowers Wine

Mix56 · 19/09/2021 15:18

He spends a Sunday out with his ex ....

Can you take you son & go home to your Mum ?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/09/2021 15:26

The fact that he agreed to go so easily has saved you a lot of botheration. Moving 4 hours away, shows how little he was invested in caring for his child. He sounds like no great loss and you can get on with rebuilding your life for yourself and your DS, without constantly being let down by this self absorbed pillock. Wishing you all the best.

Walkingalot · 19/09/2021 15:26

Sounds like he'd check out long ago and he's probably really relieved you're the one who asked to separate, so he doesn't look bad at leaving his DS. Well, you're well rid of him. You will get over this and come out stronger. I hope you've got family/friends who can help support you. Flowers x

Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/09/2021 15:32

I reckon he is with his ex. Saying he is 4 hours away is to make you think he is unavailable to see your dc. Who is probably not welcome in his new home.
Cms and don't beg him to see your dc. Unfortunately you can't make him be a decent df..

PraiseTheSunshine · 19/09/2021 16:03

Well done op! You deserve so much better than what he had to offer. I know it's hard but it will get easier every day until you don't even think about him anymore Flowers

bringincrazyback · 19/09/2021 16:03

I think that'd be the final straw for me too, OP. Sorry to hear he's being such an arse, and for what your friend's going through. Flowers

Greenmarmalade · 19/09/2021 16:04

I’m so very happy to see your update. You can absolutely do this! It’ll take some time to adjust, but you’ve just made an incredibly good life choice and I’m so glad for you. I was a single mother for years and there is a lot to enjoy and celebrate about being a single parent. Definitely a million times better than being with a partner who brings you down.

If you can afford to, or have friends who can, try to get a babysitter once a week even for a couple of hours to take time for yourself so you can have some chill and reflection time.

Keep us updated if it’s helpful.

GoodnightGrandma · 19/09/2021 16:04

Well done. Keep moving forward and look to the future.

Greenmarmalade · 19/09/2021 16:05

Ps don’t feel bad for your child either. Took me a long time to realise absent father is infinitely better than crappy one.

BigRedDuck · 19/09/2021 16:11

Good luck OP. You can do this ❤️