To finally leave DP over this?

[Pnkpicklep]

Bit of background, me and DP have been together approx 6 years. Have a toddler DS together, live together but unmarried. House we are living in is rented from my family.

Me and DP have been having some serious issues the past few months. He broke my trust in a big way, and then instead of just apologising he got quite manipulative and tried to turn the situation round on me. I wasn't having that and told him it was over between us. He managed to convince me to give it one more go and for the sake of our DS I agreed.

So things have been a bit awkward since then but slowly getting back to normal. Until yesterday, I got some bad news that a close friend is very sick. The diagnosis is life changing and potentially fatal (they are currently awaiting more results to see how bad it is) obviously this was extremely upsetting, and I really just needed my DP to support me deal with this so that I in turn could be there for my friend. However, he was just useless. Was not supportive at all, and just made everything harder as I was having to deal with his shitty behaviour whilst also trying to process this information about my friend. We argued about this yesterday with no resolution.

He had plans to meet up with his ex today (they are still friends and meet up every few months for a catch up. I don't like it but not the hill I was willing to die on) he was meant to take DS with him so that I could have a day to myself to get the house cleaned and tidied. He woke up this morning and asked if I really needed him to take DS with him - you know the way people seem like they're giving you the choice but they're really not. So he's left DS here, and now I'm just sat here crying at how he could be such an asshole to 1) abandon me to hang out with his ex when I'm struggling with things and 2) not even take DS with him like he said he would to make my load a little easier.

I just feel so alone, like I have no support from him and I honestly am feeling like I could just end it. I know if I speak to him about this he will make out I'm being massively unreasonable and he's entitled to hang out with his friends etc so AIBU?

If you read my post properly I do actually say I think she should leave him but it might not be as easy as everyone makes it to be so just be prepared for that.

You'll cope with everything better on your own when you no longer have to give headspace to a man who isn't worthy to by your partner or child's father. If he was innocently meeting his ex he wouldn't complain about taking his son with him.

He needs to go. You're in a very luck loving regarding the house. Get some family on stand by for when you tell him he needs to go and when he kicks off.

You took him back for the sake of your child. You should tell him to go for the sake of your child actually.

Why agree to having DS with you,
No I can’t have him I made plans because he’s with you

You'll cope just fine because you are going to have so much more emotional energy and time without him there dragging you down.

Wtf. Going to see his ex and shag her mord like

The visit with his ex is not mandatory. Especially not now when you need him.
He's being selfish and really isn't worth it tbh.

He's not there when you have an ectopic pregnancy emergency
He's not there for you when you are coping with very bad news
but he is there for his ex
He's Ok with betraying your trust to give out personal information about you and then turns it back on you as if its your fault he did it.

I think you are already living with someone who doesn't have your back and makes you feel alone.

You'll manage fine without him OP because it's easier than managing with him. He is a ball and chain determined to drag you down while he gets on with going on child-free dates with his ex.

I'm glad you have remembered his sitting watching you in agony and leaving you to sort yourself out. He could have helped you, in any number of ways, but he didn't. He could have cared, but he didn't. He could have taken DS today as agreed, but he didn't. He is self absorbed and thoughtless, and will only ever do what suits him. This doesn't auger well for you nor your son (who he is already treating as an nuisance).

I don't know what positives he does bring to the table, but I can't see anything making any of his negative attributes worth overlooking. You deserve much better than this, as does your little DS.

Of course leaving won't instantly be all rainbows and butterflies, but it's not that now either!

Having a safe home and the opportunity for freedom is always better than living with an abuser having your mind and body steadily damaged. Especially for a young child. The constantly high cortisol levels caused from living with an abuser from birth have long term damaging health outcomes.

Staying is the guarantee that life will get worse without hope for change. Abuse always get worse over time too (neither of which has the pp factored into their comparison about the time after leaving being difficult).

Leaving may have difficult times (I have been through it, I know it is not magical overnight) but it unlocks the possibility of endless improvements. It is the start of life improving - something that can't happen if you stay.

Arming yourself with knowledge about how abusers operate and how abuse affects you and your child all help navigate the aftermath and make managing any nonsense easier. Understanding that he is driven by control and being able to spot that makes it easier to disengage from any attempts to manipulate you instead of getting sucked in, and also enables you to insulate yourself from any behaviour. As does taking up support.

Yes, be realistic in expectations - you're not stepping into a Disney movie by leaving but life isn't one anyway - but also be realistic about why leaving is necessary and infinitely better.

@Pnkpicklep

I'm just looking back through our relationship and there have been a few instances where something really upsetting / traumatic was happening and I really needed him to step up and look after me and it's just never happened. Probably very outing but about a year before DS came along I wasn't feeling well, I was in so much pain to the point I couldn't speak. Turns out I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I had to drive myself to A&E because he didn't do anything, just sat and watched me in pain trying to talk to 111. (Btw in hindsight I know I should have just called an ambulance but I was scared and in pain and through I would be wasting nhs resources - stupid I know)

Fellow ectopic sufferer here. Goodness that is dreadful. Did he look after you when you got home from the hospital???

I would leave in your situation, OP. Took me 7 years to leave ex, but knew I should have left after the first year.

@Pnkpicklep

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really wasn't expecting such kindness. I've been out with my little one this afternoon enjoying some time together. I just got back and he isn't home yet and I've heard nothing from him. I know I need to end it, I've just got the panic of how will I cope with it all on my own

you will. because you will suddenly have a better routine and not put up with manipulative shite.

life is for living, be strong

Thinking of you OP, and sending you a bit of support and a handhold. I hope you find the strength to get rid of your partner who has treated you appallingly, and you can focus on yourself , your child and be a support to your friend. He is not a partner in any sense of the word and provides you with no back up , you will manage just fine by yourself because the constant hurt and upset will be gone.
Hope you are doing ok at a very difficult time and that you have some supportive family. All the best .

Ah OP you are on your own already. He's not a true partner. But you know that. Will you want to be in this situation a year from now?

What happened when he got back?

@Pnkpicklep

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really wasn't expecting such kindness. I've been out with my little one this afternoon enjoying some time together. I just got back and he isn't home yet and I've heard nothing from him. I know I need to end it, I've just got the panic of how will I cope with it all on my own

Stay strong, & take comfort - you are already coping with it all on your own, aren't you?

No emotional support, no respect, manipulation, crap parenting ...

When you are free of this man, you can also look forward to having something like every other weekend 'off' to catch up with yourself. You'll be able to live your own life instead of in the shadow of this horrible man.

I hope your friend's health situation is manageable, & you are soon enjoying more quality time with your child & friends. You will feel so much better when you are no longer aching for proper support from your 'partner', who only makes you feel bad about & doubt yourself. You will cope - you'll probably find your self-confidence rockets, without him dragging you down & making you miserable.

@1forAll74

I wouldn't split up because of this, Tensions are running high at the moment, maybe because of your upset, about your ailing friend etc..You need to see if anything can be done about your relationship problems in the main, before you make some drastic decisions about ending everything.

Unfortunately, it's not possible to talk an arsehole into not being an arsehole.

This man likes dragging OP down, & sat doing nothing while she was undergoing an ectopic FFS. He's away out with his ex now, feels it's fine to break his parenting promise with no notice.

OP is hardly making a sudden decision while "tensions are high". It's been crap for years, & drastic situations call for "drastic decisions".

Absolutely yanbu!

The seeing his ex and leaving Ds with you when he’d arranged to take him just seems sympathetic of the whole lack of care and respect.

What happened when he came back?

I honestly can't believe the selfishness of a man to prioritise meeting his ex over supporting his partner and the mother of his child. Bastard.

• symptomatic

So when he came back I tried to stay calm and just said "this isn't working anymore, I'd like you to move out"
Surprisingly he agreed, said it wasn't working for him either and he would be out by the end of the week.
I'm a bit frustrated just because he sees this as we aren't compatible but ending things on good terms whereas I have a lot of resentment for how he's treated me during our relationship. But I've kept that all in, he's still the father of my son so we need to get on to be able to parent him effectively.

Straight back to the ex?

Nothing to be gained by him being told how shit he's been. He won't change, you'll have to relive it and won't get the response you need. The win here is he is GOING!!

@maras2 possibly but I guess that isn't my business anymore

Well done OP, great you had the strength to say what needed to be said.

Forget about telling him how shit he is for now, just get him out of the house first, then when he’s gone you can bitch about him to high heaven with anyone who will listen. It’s also VERY cathartic to write him a long angry letter and then burn it/shred it. Really helps with getting some closure. But you’re right you’ll have to co-parent with him for years so best to stay as amicable as possible.