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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To finally leave DP over this?

236 replies

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:07

Bit of background, me and DP have been together approx 6 years. Have a toddler DS together, live together but unmarried. House we are living in is rented from my family.

Me and DP have been having some serious issues the past few months. He broke my trust in a big way, and then instead of just apologising he got quite manipulative and tried to turn the situation round on me. I wasn't having that and told him it was over between us. He managed to convince me to give it one more go and for the sake of our DS I agreed.

So things have been a bit awkward since then but slowly getting back to normal. Until yesterday, I got some bad news that a close friend is very sick. The diagnosis is life changing and potentially fatal (they are currently awaiting more results to see how bad it is) obviously this was extremely upsetting, and I really just needed my DP to support me deal with this so that I in turn could be there for my friend. However, he was just useless. Was not supportive at all, and just made everything harder as I was having to deal with his shitty behaviour whilst also trying to process this information about my friend. We argued about this yesterday with no resolution.

He had plans to meet up with his ex today (they are still friends and meet up every few months for a catch up. I don't like it but not the hill I was willing to die on) he was meant to take DS with him so that I could have a day to myself to get the house cleaned and tidied. He woke up this morning and asked if I really needed him to take DS with him - you know the way people seem like they're giving you the choice but they're really not. So he's left DS here, and now I'm just sat here crying at how he could be such an asshole to 1) abandon me to hang out with his ex when I'm struggling with things and 2) not even take DS with him like he said he would to make my load a little easier.

I just feel so alone, like I have no support from him and I honestly am feeling like I could just end it. I know if I speak to him about this he will make out I'm being massively unreasonable and he's entitled to hang out with his friends etc so AIBU?

OP posts:

Fuckitsstillraining · 12/09/2021 10:45

You don't need a particular reason to finish the relationship, you are unhappy and that is reason enough. Just tell him and stick to it.

TaraR2020 · 12/09/2021 10:46

Oh, op.

Leave him and don't look back.

You're not stupid but at no point during your relationship has he been deserving of you.

I'm so sorry about your friend.

justthecat · 12/09/2021 10:49

He’s putting his relationship with his ex before your relationship. He sounds like a waste of space

MouseRoar · 12/09/2021 10:50

From what you've posted it doesn't sound like there is much in this relationship for you to stay for. When you are down, he brings you lower.
Start thinking practically now. What is your housing situation, are your finances in good shape? What do you need to organise to make the separation as smooth as possible for you?
Hope your friend has some good news, and that you are able to find some support too.

BlueSuffragette · 12/09/2021 10:54

You deserve so much better. Move on. He treats you badly. Time for a fresh start.

pollypocketlover · 12/09/2021 10:54

I would be heartbroken if my DP treated me like this. You deserve so much better OP, and I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's health problems.

Cherrysoup · 12/09/2021 10:54

Are you both on the tenancy? Is it officially rented or informal? You can’t kick him out if it’s both of you on a tenancy and he’s liable for rent until renewal time if his name is on there.

I don’t think he cares enough for you and has shown a total lack of consideration today. I don’t see how you can carry on a relationship like this. I guarantee if the situation was reversed re you seeing an ex, he’d go nuts.

Tlollj · 12/09/2021 10:55

Just end it. You’ll have no housing worries like a lot do.

Darkstar4855 · 12/09/2021 10:58

YANBU. LTB.

This sounds a bit like coercive control/gaslighting.

BathMatToe · 12/09/2021 11:00

@Pnkpicklep

I feel so stupid, I always considered myself quite a strong person and I thought I had a good relationship. I feel like things have just snuck up on me and now I'm just sat here like why have I tolerated being treated like this for so long?

These Bastards just wear you down OP so you end up going from the strong person you knew to a shell. You're under there op. He prob just thinks you're stupid enough to tolerate it because you forgave him once. He's not very bright if he's living in your families rented house. If it's safe to do so I'd just pack his shit and boot him out.hr probably wanted to sort things last time for convenience. House to live in, child taken care of, allowed to do as he pleases.

He's allowed to go see whoever he wants and you can also remove this parasite from your life.
Literally no loss.

Fizzbangwallop · 12/09/2021 11:03

While he is out with his ex (wtf!), use your anger to start packing up his stuff and leave a bag outside for him.

Change the locks so he can’t get back into your home and text him to say the relationship is over.

Text him to say that he has to stay elsewhere (maybe he can go to stay with his ex?) and you will make arrangements for him to collect the rest of his stuff, child maintenance and access to DS.

Do not allow him to talk you round. Keep your phone switched off for a few hours after telling him.

Tell your family and friends what has happened and that you need their support. My guess is that they will be relieved that you have broken up with him.

DancingintheSpoonlight · 12/09/2021 11:04

Can you imagine another year of him making you feel how you do right now? Another 5? 10? He won't change and you deserve so much better.

DysmalRadius · 12/09/2021 11:04

What if you just stopped giving a shit about what he says since his actions are dickish enough to totally justify ending your relationship (if you needed a reason, which you don't!).

Notaroadrunner · 12/09/2021 11:08

Can you tell your relative you need to change the terms of your tenancy, that's if you've signed anything. Then pack his stuff and have it ready for when he comes back from seeing his ex. Don't put up with him a moment longer.

Megaland23 · 12/09/2021 11:11

Why do you even need to ask about this? You know should of left him along time ago..... of course you should leave him!

Notmoresugar · 12/09/2021 11:14

So he's off having a lovely time with his ex and your left literally holding the baby!!

He doesn't care about you or respect you.

Pack up his belongings and leave it outside for him.

Notify him by text to come and get it and make sure you have a friend or relative with you so he doesn't kick-off and upset you and your toddler.

SarahBop · 12/09/2021 11:15

He woke up this morning and asked if I really needed him to take DS with him - you know the way people seem like they're giving you the choice but they're really not. So he's left DS here, and now I'm just sat here crying at how he could be such an asshole

"asked if I really needed him to DS with him"...why didn't you say, YES, yes I do really need you to.

I feel sorry for you, your boundaries sound totally collapsed.
Also the fact you said DP has 'betrayed you in a big way' I took to mean he cheated on you?? Personally, if it was that, and now with him not taking DS...I would be assuming he's shagging his ex.

Get out of this now, it's clearly all about him and he's a shitty selfish partner.
Sorry to hear your news about your friend too, it's very sad.

letsmakethishappen · 12/09/2021 11:15

Why is the ex so important to him?? Whose house is it? Tell him to move back with the ex like PPs have said pack his bags for him

lovinglife321 · 12/09/2021 11:18

He meets his ex, you rightfully raise objections and you're accused of being controlling?

You drive yourself to the hospital in excruciating pain?

You're processing your friends diagnosis, wanted a day to yourself and the utter twat thinks it's reasonable to leave his own child at home so he can have an interruption free date with his ex? WTAF. I thought you were going to say he meets his ex to discuss parenting for a child I assumed they had.

No wonder he convinced him to give things another go because you're renting from your family home.

Kick the cheeky bastard out. I'm in shock at his audacity.

NinjaExodus · 12/09/2021 11:19

He doesn’t want your toddler DS cramping his special alone time with this ex gf.

DancesWithTortoises · 12/09/2021 11:22

Pack his bags and have them waiting, OP.

This man neither loves nor respects you.

Eralos · 12/09/2021 11:23

You’re entitled to leave a relationship for any reason you like

This a thousand times. You don’t need to explain anything to him. If I your house is rented from your family, change the locks.

LakieLady · 12/09/2021 11:26

@Notmoresugar

So he's off having a lovely time with his ex and your left literally holding the baby!!

He doesn't care about you or respect you.

Pack up his belongings and leave it outside for him.

Notify him by text to come and get it and make sure you have a friend or relative with you so he doesn't kick-off and upset you and your toddler.

I was going to suggest a text just saying "We're done. Your stuff is in the garden."

He sounds like a complete shit, OP, you're better off without him.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/09/2021 11:27

You would not be remotely unreasonable to leave him over this (or anything else for that matter).

You don't say what the issue was that broke your trust but its very clear that you don't feel you can rely on him when it really counts and he is unable to support you at a time when you are worried and vulnerable. He doesn't seem to bring any value to your life whatsoever.

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 11:29

If your house is rented from your family, will they reduce the rent if you have to pay it alone?

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