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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To finally leave DP over this?

236 replies

Pnkpicklep · 12/09/2021 10:07

Bit of background, me and DP have been together approx 6 years. Have a toddler DS together, live together but unmarried. House we are living in is rented from my family.

Me and DP have been having some serious issues the past few months. He broke my trust in a big way, and then instead of just apologising he got quite manipulative and tried to turn the situation round on me. I wasn't having that and told him it was over between us. He managed to convince me to give it one more go and for the sake of our DS I agreed.

So things have been a bit awkward since then but slowly getting back to normal. Until yesterday, I got some bad news that a close friend is very sick. The diagnosis is life changing and potentially fatal (they are currently awaiting more results to see how bad it is) obviously this was extremely upsetting, and I really just needed my DP to support me deal with this so that I in turn could be there for my friend. However, he was just useless. Was not supportive at all, and just made everything harder as I was having to deal with his shitty behaviour whilst also trying to process this information about my friend. We argued about this yesterday with no resolution.

He had plans to meet up with his ex today (they are still friends and meet up every few months for a catch up. I don't like it but not the hill I was willing to die on) he was meant to take DS with him so that I could have a day to myself to get the house cleaned and tidied. He woke up this morning and asked if I really needed him to take DS with him - you know the way people seem like they're giving you the choice but they're really not. So he's left DS here, and now I'm just sat here crying at how he could be such an asshole to 1) abandon me to hang out with his ex when I'm struggling with things and 2) not even take DS with him like he said he would to make my load a little easier.

I just feel so alone, like I have no support from him and I honestly am feeling like I could just end it. I know if I speak to him about this he will make out I'm being massively unreasonable and he's entitled to hang out with his friends etc so AIBU?

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 12/09/2021 11:46

He said ‘do I have to take DS’ and you said ?

Sounds like he is very manipulative and it is destroying or has destroyed your confidence and you would be better off on your own.

cookingisoverrated · 12/09/2021 11:48

He sounds awful, just awful.

The failure to take you to the hospital would have been the end for me.

Please kick him to the kerb.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/09/2021 11:48

He is free to do what he likes. You are free to do what you like (including ending the relationship).

If you loved each other, even liked and cared for each other, then what he would want to do would include looking after you. He doesn't want to.

Staying in a relationship is entirely voluntary. Especially so when you're not married. You have to positively want to do it.

You do share a lifelong commitment to your child, you can't get away from that, so him. But, if staying in a relationship with him seems easier only for the reason that breaking up with him and trying to arrange co-parenting will be a shitty experience, because he'll behave badly towards you, then doesn't that tell you everything you need to know about what he actually things and feels about you? That he's only with you for as long as you're useful?

Often better to rip off a plaster than peel off gradually (over years, in the case of a relationship that involves a young child). From the child's point of view, I'd say it's better done when they're tiny, then life can move on to a new normal, than when they're old enough to remember and feel involved.

But, do not make decisions in haste, when you're upset. Especially given you're upset about something else. Recognise and acknowledge your real feelings but don't feel any knee-jerk need to act upon them immediately. Think it over, plan and consider.

MissingOrange · 12/09/2021 11:49

Do something nice for yourself. Pack up his stuff, put it outside, tell him to find alternative arrangements.

5128gap · 12/09/2021 11:50

Whether you stay or go OP you need to stop martyering yourself. He didn't just walk out without DS, he asked and you agreed he could leave hi., even though you didn't want him to. You chose to drive yourself to A&E because you didn't want an ambulance or to insist he took you. You don't like the meet ups with the ex but you put up with them. I don't mean this unsympathetically, but there"s no medals for it and often people get what they settle for. He doesn't sound great and you deserve and should insist on better, not allow it and then get upset.

BillMasheen · 12/09/2021 11:57

You’re not wrong, and I agree with all the advice above…

But this really jumped out at me

he was meant to take DS with him so that I could have a day to myself to get the house cleaned and tidied

So this favour you ask, the one that is so enormous he cannot possibly help… it’s not to clean the house (that he helped make messy). Not to help clean the house… but to simply mind the child for a few hours so YOU can clean his shit up.

What a prince among men.

Staryflight445 · 12/09/2021 12:00

He is selfish, and clearly doesn’t care for you at all.

Horrible behaviour

sloutside · 12/09/2021 12:00

You can do better than this.
Get rid.
There is nothing worse than an unsupportive partner who does not step up when something happens and you need support. I had the same with my ex and he'd end up just shouting at me.

If someone really loves you, they will be there for you at the hard times, they'll be tuned in to you and know when you need help.
They'd step up in a situation like the ectopic pregnancy - there's no way they'd leave you to drive yourself to hospital.
It shows that they just don't care and that's what I discovered about my ex.

In all honesty, you are way better off single than with someone like that. At least when you are single you know that you have to deal with things on your own and it's somehow worse when you have a spare part hanging around who should be doing something to help and isn't. It just makes you feel a hundred times worse on top of the original problem.

Amberfromcamber · 12/09/2021 12:01

Can you imagine a man writing this.

My close friend has been diagnosed with a potentially life changing illness. I really want my girlfriend to be there for me so when she was meeting her ex as she regularly does she offered to take our child with her so I could have time to myself to clean the house. In the end she did not take our child and I am sitting here crying.

I would tell the guy to find his self respect and I am saying the same to you. You deserve much better.

RightOnTheEdge · 12/09/2021 12:01

You can leave a relationship for any reason you want OP and your reasons are all very good reasons.
You deserve much better!

He doesn't care for you or cherish you.
You need to start caring about yourself more too!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 12/09/2021 12:08

You are not stupid.
You live and learn.

LaetitiaASD · 12/09/2021 12:09

@Pnkpicklep

I'm just looking back through our relationship and there have been a few instances where something really upsetting / traumatic was happening and I really needed him to step up and look after me and it's just never happened. Probably very outing but about a year before DS came along I wasn't feeling well, I was in so much pain to the point I couldn't speak. Turns out I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I had to drive myself to A&E because he didn't do anything, just sat and watched me in pain trying to talk to 111. (Btw in hindsight I know I should have just called an ambulance but I was scared and in pain and through I would be wasting nhs resources - stupid I know)
I think men are generally pretty bad at caring roles. The only way you might be slightly unreasonable in all of this is if you think that you'll find another man who will fully meet your (entirely reasonable) expectations for support. I'd have thought that their might be some, however, who would drive you to hospital if you were in so much pain you couldn't speak.
dreamingbohemian · 12/09/2021 12:10

I don't know why you wouldn't leave him

He sounds awful and you deserve a better life than this

Ilovecharliecat · 12/09/2021 12:34

You deserve so much more than this from a relationship and to be honest it doesn’t sound like your partner is going to change. He needs to fuck off - sorry but your life will be so much better

Topseyt · 12/09/2021 12:41

I cannot see any reason why you should stay with this arsehole. Bag up his stuff and leave it outside for him.

What's the betting that he didn't want to take DS with him because he is hoping to shag his ex?

MadameMonk · 12/09/2021 12:48

Just take a breath though.

I don’t disagree with the idea that there are big serious things lacking in your relationship. They will need to be dealt with. But you’re still just taking in the news about your friend, you may need to process more of this as the medical info comes through. You have an important role in caring for your friend for the foreseeable future?

Maybe cut yourself a break and don’t trigger any big decisions and the actions that follow right now? It sounds like too much at once to me. We seldom make great decisions under this level of stress and sadness.

tocas · 12/09/2021 12:48

With the updates you have posted I am sorry to say it sounds like he is abusive and you absolutely do not need to stand for that. If it were me he'd be gone.

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 12/09/2021 12:52

Like others have said, op, it looks to me like he’s been manipulating and gaslighting you. I don’t agree that you should try to see it from his perspective, or that it’s your fault you haven’t stood your ground. He’s coerced you to the point you have lost yourself. Don’t put yourself down for it, many of us have been there and are shocked at how they managed it when we look back! It’s a drip feed, so you don’t see it until that part of yourself, that spark that is the strong you, goes ‘hey, this is not acceptable!’ And then you can do something about it and get yourself back. Remember, self care is not selfish. Be strong, you can do this x

billy1966 · 12/09/2021 12:55

He is awful.

Take this time to pack up his stuff and have it ready for him.

Contact your family to come over to support you.

Text him that his stuff is outside YOUR home.

He is abusive, useless and using you.

He adds nothing to your life, bar loneliness.

I'm sorry for your friend but his awful behaviour is just adding to your pain.

Get him out.
Its over.
Flowers

sotiredofthislonelylife · 12/09/2021 13:14

@lifesabitchandthenyoudie

Like others have said, op, it looks to me like he’s been manipulating and gaslighting you. I don’t agree that you should try to see it from his perspective, or that it’s your fault you haven’t stood your ground. He’s coerced you to the point you have lost yourself. Don’t put yourself down for it, many of us have been there and are shocked at how they managed it when we look back! It’s a drip feed, so you don’t see it until that part of yourself, that spark that is the strong you, goes ‘hey, this is not acceptable!’ And then you can do something about it and get yourself back. Remember, self care is not selfish. Be strong, you can do this x
Yes to this!

It can be difficult to recognise what is happening (it took me years, but I was young), but you absolutely can turn your life around, and regain your self-worth.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/09/2021 13:25

What a horrible, horrible piece of shit! Slagging you off about very personal things to his friends? Gaslighting you? Ignoring your needs? Not being a responsible parent when the other parent needs them to step up? He really has NONE of the qualities that make a good partner. I think you've been caught up in the 'boiled frog' analogy. It all happens so slowly that it becomes 'normal'.

He adds nothing to your life. Imagine how peaceful and calm your day to day existence would be without the burdens of resentment and his lack of care that you carry? He needs to be gone, gone, gone.

As far as your house, it's owned by your relatives. When I kicked my ex out we were living in a home owned by a friend of my grandparents and paying under-market rent. When ex tried to refuse to leave I said "Just exactly which one of us do you think 'Mrs J' is going to make leave when I tell her we're separating, you or me?". He left.

I'm so sorry about your friend. This is going to be a rough time for both of you. She's going to need you and you are going to need peace and calm. Don't be afraid to seek support from loved ones or a counselor.

legoriakelne · 12/09/2021 13:33

@Pnkpicklep

I feel so stupid, I always considered myself quite a strong person and I thought I had a good relationship. I feel like things have just snuck up on me and now I'm just sat here like why have I tolerated being treated like this for so long?
Because it was gradual so you didn't notice how bad it was becoming.

Often women believe that if they return to a dickhead partner after leaving him once that he will "learn his lesson" and change for the better. Trouble is, the lesson such men learn if you go back to them is that no matter how badly he treats you, you won't ever really leave him for good - so instead of behaving better, he behaves worse because he knows he can get away with it.

You deserve a better life than this. I hope you manage to leave him permanently this time.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2021 13:38

He's enjoying a day out with his ex instead of supporting you through a difficult time? I'm surprised you even have to ask.

Is he on the tenancy agreement?

TatianaBis · 12/09/2021 13:50

I agree, I would ask him to leave when he returns. But I certainly wouldn't pack his bags for him.

CaveMum · 12/09/2021 15:22

Get rid of him. Contact the family member you rent from and tell them you are throwing him out, ask for their help in removing him and getting the locks changed.

You deserve so much better, and so does your DS.

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