To not help my neighbor

[boxonthehill]

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

Tho so type of injection is very simple to administer. Just do them, you’ll be old one day maybe with kids who are too busy

OP, you have supported your neighbour as a friendly neighbour. From now on when asked to do anything that oversteps perhaps say, "no I won't be able to do that, I'm just your neighbour".

Re assert this as if you go back to work you will need time to relax at home - your physical and mental health matters too!

@Fluffmum you sign yourself up as a free carer to whomever you wish, leave OP alone - she has to consider her health too.

*Jeannie88

Injections really are very easy to get used to. You could work out a rota maybe? Herself, family and you a couple of days a week?*

Ignore this OP I did not get used to giving my family member these anti clotting injections in three months. They bloody hurt and it was clearly causing them a lot of discomfort and in some cases leaving a mark. I can’t believe anyone outside the medical profession would find it easy to get used to doing that to someone else especially when it wasn’t someone they knew well and loved, and so felt it important they helped.

And I didn’t get used to injecting myself even when it was an injection that didn’t hurt, and I had no issues with shaky hands.

I really don’t know where these people who think you should do it are coming from but it is somewhere empathy free……

If it were me in your situation I would not hesitate to give her the injections. I took care of my elderly neighbour who left me 4 months before her 100th birthday. I grew to love her dearly and she always referred to me as "the daughter she never had". She had a Son and Grandson but that did not bother me. When she was ill I tended to her so forget her relatives just steel yourself (after the first one you will be a pro). l

It's too much. I couldn't do this - but I could shop or do other things for a neighbour. I think the family need to act like a family or get the doctor/district nurses involved to support her.

The idea of giving an elderly neighbour injections makes me feel queasy, there is no way I would even consider it. I would say no so forcefully she would be unlikely to ask again. Give an inch...

FleasInMyKnees

Why do people think this is her families responsibility either, there could be very good reasons why they dont wish to get involved, maybe they would do it but ndn hasn't even asked them and expects op to do it instead. Calling her children cf is pretty unfair.

@FleasInMyKnees has this spot on. So much judgement.

id be saying no to this one, say u are squeamish beyond anything normal, have underlying health conditions she doesnt know about, and you dont see why her family cant make time in turns as we are all "too busy" arent we?

@fussyhousewife

If it were me in your situation I would not hesitate to give her the injections. I took care of my elderly neighbour who left me 4 months before her 100th birthday. I grew to love her dearly and she always referred to me as "the daughter she never had". She had a Son and Grandson but that did not bother me. When she was ill I tended to her so forget her relatives just steel yourself (after the first one you will be a pro). l

Op has clearly said she does not want to do it, therefore she does not need to steel herself for anything.

YANBU
Sometimes these injections aren't just one dose, sometimes you need to expel an amount to give the correct dose and very good eye sight to do this. If she is having them because she has clots then she could be on them for months, it isn't like a prophylatic dose in one syringe for a few weeks post surgery.
The District nursing team should be able to come out and do it, they can try teaching her at home, people feel under less pressure in their own surroundings and sometimes manage things they didn't think they could with a bit of support and time.

Blimey u done more than enough
Her kids need to help out 🌹

Also who was going to teach you to give them if you are not collecting her from hospital ?

Practice with an empty syringe on an orange. It really isn't as difficult as you think.

However I would have thought a district nurse could come to her home and inject her. Get her to have a word with her GP about that.

@Howshouldibehave

No way-do not fall into the role of being her unpaid carer just because it’s easier for the family.

Reply to her now and say you can’t commit to this.

This.

Its 'just' an injection (you don't feel happy or comfortable doing as it is) this time. What happens next when there is no one else to help her? You end up sucked in and it becoming harder to say no.

Plus if something happens to her health, I think you run the risk of getting 'blame' or 'being after the inheritance' from the family.

You need to state your boundaries now that you feel this puts you in a vulnerable position long term where you are setting yourself up to be her carer and her family not taking on that responsibility and you don't feel comfortable with that.

It doesn’t matter how difficult it is, or is not! The OP doesn’t want to do it - end of argument!

My mum has her injection daily by the nurse from the GP's surgery. She's 80 with diabetes and she just can't do it. The needles are fiddly for arthritic hands.

Agree with others,
Could fib and say you're needle-phobic...
Doctor could/would send a district nurse out and/or in some areas (maybe all) a volunteer driver can be arranged for hospital visits.

@fussyhousewife

If it were me in your situation I would not hesitate to give her the injections. I took care of my elderly neighbour who left me 4 months before her 100th birthday. I grew to love her dearly and she always referred to me as "the daughter she never had". She had a Son and Grandson but that did not bother me. When she was ill I tended to her so forget her relatives just steel yourself (after the first one you will be a pro). l

Good for you.
Do you live near the OP, who doesn't need the commitment?

she came back and said that she'd asked the kids, they'd said too busy, she couldn't travel to hospital every day

OP what a shame nobody at the hospital has told your neighbour about the role of district nurses. It would have saved her (and you) so much worry. She needs to contact her doctor to arrange DN visits.

This is CFery, her family either need to take turns doing it, or pay a private carer to do it.

Also, if you know which ward she's on you can ring up and tell them that you can't do these (shaky hands, work commitments etc) They won't discuss her care with you because of confidentiality, but you can inform them that youve been asked to do this, and can't, so please make sure there is district nurse/hospital at home in place.

@Enough4me. I already do love. I’m an older mum and you may feel at bit differently when you reach your late 50s.

I’m guessing it’s blood thinners and possibly just once a day. Very easy to do and Not requiring any medical skills. Could you try it and then encourage her to try herself?

@IamtheDevilsAvocado

Several points from me :

The 'children' could each do it twice or so a week and would cover it.... It would take them a maximum of 30 mins to nip over in their cars. It is THEIR responsibility... So they're busy....well they need to re prioritise to help their mum.

It's way too personal a care task... And moreover you (rightly) DON'T WANT TO DO IT!

You're slipping into an unpaid carer role... It will worsen as you'll be perceived as this nice neighbour who will do anything to help our mum/deirdre.... IT WILL BECOME AN EXPECTATION,,,, that you'll be the 'go to person'... Like if she develops worse physical health or has a stroke /develops dementia.

You can still be a good friend /neighbour without doing these tasks!

More importantly you have YOUR LIFE TO LEAD as well as health conditions to manage yourself!

This ^ in spades...

You can do too much for some people, and they WILL take advantage, and WILL expect it. And the adult children will often be quite happy to let the 'helpful neighbour' do it too.

I know someone who befriended a woman he worked with (20 years older,) and when she retired (at 60,) he and his wife used to meet her for coffee, and go for lunch occasionally. Within a year of her leaving the workplace, he and his wife were being asked (by her) to help her move house, help her put carpets down, help her decorate her house, and take her to hospital appointments. She lived 40 miles away from them, and her hospital was a further 20 miles...

She had 2 adult sons who lived 15 miles from her. She didn't see them often, as they had very busy, big-important-man jobs.

When she started saying she wants him and his wife to deal with some general personal affairs and admin, and she needs a regular lift to the hospital once a week for the next 8 weeks, and could do with some gardening doing, the wife put her foot down. She said 'enough! She has 2 fucking grown sons. Whatever the circumstances of them rarely seeing her (just on her birthday and at Christmas,) it's not down to US to be her personal fucking chauffeur, servant, admin officer, and chief cook and bottle washer...'

When he rang her to say he wouldn't be able to do the hospital visit thing for 8 weeks in a row (120 mile round trip each time!) and due to other commitments, he and his wife wouldn't be visiting for a few months, and wouldn't be doing the gardening; she got snarky and nasty, told them to please their bloody selves. Then she changed her phone number and ghosted them.

Totally just using them she was. Didn't want to know them when they weren't being her personal servants.