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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my neighbor

344 replies

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 09:35

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

OP posts:
Yespresh · 13/09/2021 17:34

Get the hospital to give her Rivaroxoban tablets instead of the injections.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 13/09/2021 17:37

When I had an op afterwards I had to inject myself with Heparin, into the belly. It took seconds. Surely she could do it herself? It doesn't even hurt much!

H007 · 13/09/2021 17:38

You should just do it, it’s being a good neighbour or friend. You are putting way too much importance on the act.

Yogalola · 13/09/2021 17:44

What a kind neighbour you are. Being asked to administer injections is too much to ask, and I think rightly you are doing the best thing to refuse if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. If her own children can’t or won’t then she need to tell GP/ hospital.

Mumontour85 · 13/09/2021 17:49

She has three adult children in the same town and they can't even do this for their mum between them?

I really hate people.

I think you are well within your rights to say that you are not comfortable with this, and to be honest, you don't need reasons or explanations why not. If she asks you to accompany her on the journey, say you can't.

The hospital will have to sort something out for her, as harsh as it sounds, it is not your responsibility...

I would be tempted to contact her grown ass kids to tell them about themselves to be honest - assholes!

Jeannie88 · 13/09/2021 17:49

Injections really are very easy to get used to. You could work out a rota maybe? Herself, family and you a couple of days a week?

cherish123 · 13/09/2021 17:49

I would not feel guilty about saying no.

me4real · 13/09/2021 18:00

YANBU she has family who would have too help if you weren't doing it, or a nurse would have to come out or something.

She maybe told the hospital she has someone who can do it for her (you.) Shock

Tabitha005 · 13/09/2021 18:00

There may be a volunteer befriending service for isolated elderly people in your local area that could help share the 'social responsibility' side of things with you. These volunteers offer an hour or two a week of general social chit-char - some of them will also drive the elderly person to a club or pop-in parlour, too, or take them shopping.

I used to work for one of these services, coordinating the volunteers and it worked well - all volunteers are DBS checked and have regular contact with their coordinator to flag up any issues. The service I worked for was in close contact with other community organisations, and we could alert Social Services to any safeguarding issues as they arose. Volunteers also received training on befriending vulnerable people and felt they had the back-up of the service and the coordinator where needed.

Generally, anyone can refer anyone to the service - GP or other healthcare professional, neighbourhood watch warden, PCSO, friend, family member etc - with the person's prior approval, obviously.

If there isn't a service like this local to you, you could contact your local community warden, if you have one, to see whether there's scope to create it. One or other existing local volunteer organisation may have the capacity to get something started - with some funding, which shouldn't be too hard to find from somewhere like the National Lottery Community funding programme or similar.

Maybe, if you're looking to get back to work, you could even help get it started, or even run it? It sounds as though you're just the sort of person who'd be a real asset to a community-focused service like that.

tam136 · 13/09/2021 18:00

I had blood clots and had to take injections daily - I explained there was no way I could inject myself so they prescribed tablets instead, maybe this could be an option for your neighbour?

Tabitha005 · 13/09/2021 18:01

'... general social chit-CHAT' that was meant to say above. No-one expected the volunteers to clean! (although a few of them did!)

PeachyPeachTrees · 13/09/2021 18:01

There's no way my Mum would be ill in hospital and me being too busy to visit, especially if local. Red flag there.
Well done for staying firm on this. It's the right decision. It's ok to say no and think of yourself sometimes, you're already doing more than family are!

me4real · 13/09/2021 18:05

PP's are right that she can probably do it herself. You'd actually be stopping/making her be more independent than she is or can be..

You should just do it, it’s being a good neighbour or friend. You are putting way too much importance on the act.

@H007 It's every day, for a random. That means OP has to give up/set aside part of her day, and you know it probably wouldn't just be the few mins it takes to do the jab, there'd be much small talk etc.

And OP is ill herseelf, and worried about doing it wrong. A lot of people probably would be.

me4real · 13/09/2021 18:05

@H007 Maybe youu could do it if you're so keen.

Purplepinkapples · 13/09/2021 18:08

You already do a lot for her. I wouldn’t inject someone I wasn’t related too. Her adult children and daughter in laws should be ashamed of themselves.

user1492450936 · 13/09/2021 18:12

I thought this was what District Nurses did

FleasInMyKnees · 13/09/2021 18:12

OP, do not follow the bad advice about suggesting the hospital give her tablets and not injections, that is for the hospital to decide and no way something you need to worry about.

H007 · 13/09/2021 18:16

@me4real if I had that type of relationship with my neighbour and they needed help like that I would. Like you said she probably would be able to do it herself eventually but nothing wrong with some help in the first instance.

Beastieboys · 13/09/2021 18:17

Why cant she do it herself..... If she can do it at home it can't be difficult, others have to do it for insulin and for anti clotting issues. I've done it to myself after an op and it's not impossible to teach her to do it in fact they should have shown her how to do it before she left hospital.
It does sound as though she is grasping at straws to keep you to hand.

Daffodil21 · 13/09/2021 18:20

I wonder how many of those who are saying 'can't she do it herself' have actually had to do it themselves? I had to do it following a CS and it's not easy!

Pinklemonade1 · 13/09/2021 18:20

I think it's really taking liberties asking you. Absolutely say no. If she is not deemed safe to do it herself then a district nurse should be sent out. You are a lovely neighbour. This is a step too far.

Daffodil21 · 13/09/2021 18:20

(Not suggesting you should do it, OP)

Notaroadrunner · 13/09/2021 18:28

@Jeannie88

Injections really are very easy to get used to. You could work out a rota maybe? Herself, family and you a couple of days a week?
Have you bothered to read the thread? Op does not want to do it, the woman is clearly incapable if she suggested op in the first place and the woman's family haven't even bothered to visit her in hospital so they'll hardly be rushing round to help.

@boxonthehill given her diagnosis of pneumonia she'll probably be kept in for another few days. Maybe the injections will be finished by the time she gets home. If she does come to your door (most unlikely) don't be the one calling her gp or anyone else on her behalf - don't get involved at all.

sesquipedalian · 13/09/2021 18:33

@ boxonthehill -
Quite apart from any other consideration, there’s a massive difference between being a kind neighbour and having an elderly person round who is “quite hard work” once a week for dinner and telly, and a daily commitment to give her an injection. Your life wouldn’t be your own. Just decline with regret!!

wellstopdoingitthen · 13/09/2021 18:38

You sound like a lovely person op 🙂

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