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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my neighbor

344 replies

boxonthehill · 12/09/2021 09:35

My neighbour is elderly (I'm positively youthful at 40). I moved in just before lockdown and we've got quite close - I take her meals and get a bit of shopping in and since lockdown has ended she's been coming in once a week for her tea and to watch eastenders. She's quite hard work but sweet enough and I'm not working at the moment due to ill health so it makes me feel like I'm useful in some way. All good so far.

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law. The boys wives don't drive, one works and one is a SAHM with 2 kids at school and near a bus route.

So... neighbour has been taken in to hospital with heart problems and they discovered she has blood clots. They've told her she needs to be injected every day at home. They won't send someone out and although they could do it for her in hospital she'd have to travel in every day for this (40 minute bus drive).

She's asked me to do it and says im the only one - children won't because they're too busy.

I feel really uncomfortable with this. To begin with I had very unsteady hands. Can hold a pen and knife and fork etc but couldn't thread a needle or accurately use tweezers. I have no medical training (although they say this isn't needed at all). Im quite squeamish (I know that's a silly reason).

I suppose overall I feel like it's too much pressure. If I got it wrong I'd feel terrible. I feel like I have no business injecting this elderly woman whom I'm no relation to! It all feels really wrong somehow. I think the children (I say children, they're all 30s/40s) should make a rota and do it themselves.

Am I unreasonable to say no? My second worry is that she'll ask me to accompany her on the bus to the hospital each day which I also don't want to do because of my own health problems that she's not aware of.

How do I handle this?!

OP posts:
Themorethemerrier · 12/09/2021 16:03

As it stands. She's accepted I can't do the injections. So if that's the end of it then all is well. Id like to continue with the social support. I think that is good for both of us and although I dont have much, I always cook too much and can spare it.

You come across as a lovely person and very good Neighbour. 💐

Joystir59 · 12/09/2021 16:08

You are going to have to be steely hard about her. I strongly suspect she is testing the water for you to be her carer in all things. So, if she turns up on your doorstep wanting you to do her jab, with some bs story about there being no other option, you are going to need your story ready and to stick to it- 'Iam not doing your injections, as I've already told you. Please contact your doctor and make other arrangements'

Wildheartsease · 12/09/2021 16:15

Stand your ground OP. You are being kind and helpful... what you do is enough.

It would be much better for her to have regular visits from the DN.

This is not all about these injections. Someone else knows how she is and how she is/isn't coping. She is on the radar of her local surgery and has someone she knows to contact. This is likely to become more important as time goes on.

stairgates · 12/09/2021 16:20

I would also worry in case the injections left a mark or bruise and the family were to then say she had been hurt by you, stick to what youve said :)

Skysblue · 12/09/2021 16:25

It does sound a little bit like she’s manipulating you. She may be sweet snd nice but that doesn’t mean she isn’t also guilt-tripping you.

Refuse. If asked why just say you have needle phobia and couldn’t possibly. Tell her to ask hospital / GP surgery / family for a solution. Worst case scrambled is she pays for taxis to and from hospital - not end of world.

Runmybathforme · 12/09/2021 16:35

If she’s can’t do it herself, the District Nursing service will provide care.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/09/2021 16:35

No, and actually I find it cheeky even to have asked. She has family nearby and you already do a great deal; far more than you are obligated to do. This is a large commitment and undertaking, to carry out this practice on a daily basis. What if you're late home, or wanted a last-minute weekend away, or had other obligations, commitments, holidays, etc? Would you be expected to clear these with her first? Unfortunately - and I'm aware this sounds cynical - but I've had my good nature taken advantage of in the past and have since found people think no less of you (perhaps more) for having firm boundaries. And it's my experience that if someone's willing to take advantage to this extent, it won't stop here. Next it will be something else, then something else.

If she really can't take care of herself then a local HCP will need to take this on. I had to inject myself with Fragmin every single day of my pregnancy. If people have to, they can get used to anything.

YANBU.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/09/2021 16:38

Sorry - just seen the update. The social support is very kind of you and I'm sure she's appreciative. There are limits to what a NDN can reasonably do, and it's good that those boundaries are now in place.

Emilyontmoor · 12/09/2021 16:44

I have both given these anti clotting injections to a family member and white blood cell boosting ones to myself.

The anti clotting ones can hurt a lot and often leave a mark, in fact family member still has some marks even now two years later (though as a redhead she is very fair skinned and also has a low pain threshold). There is no way I would be prepared to have the responsibility for doing them to an old person who was just an acquaintance. It was bad enough doing it for someone I had cared for from babyhood.

I hated doing them to myself, I never in six months got used to it. It was a battle with my willpower to stick that needle in and it often took me to the verge of tears (and those didn't actually hurt). Luckily a nurse friend did them when she could.

She needs a health care professional if her family are not able to do it.

Keep saying no!

skodadoda · 12/09/2021 16:48

@GoWalkabout

Say no 'I can't take on this commitment and I would rather be honest with you now so we stay good neighbours. You will have to make other arrangements.' And you will have to decide what you are still going to do or not because the children, health and social care professionals will just see' willing local female who we can assume has nothing better to do than provide free care'.
This.
skodadoda · 12/09/2021 16:49

@Iliketeaagain

Stupid question, but why can't she do it herself? Normally they are pre-filled syringes, stick into abdomen and push the plunger. If she can wash, dress, brush her own teeth, she can probably do the injections herself too.
My DH had this after hip replacement. To help prevent blood clots.
aprilanne · 12/09/2021 16:50

These injections will be clexine it's not like taking blood or anything like that no vein needed to get to it's a tiny needle its into any fleshy part of your stomach its literally lidt your top top of needle quick stab that's it about three seconds I would give it a go if I was you .

Dontwatchfootball · 12/09/2021 16:54

Jesus Christ - what is up with those useless kids? I would absolutely not do this, what if something goes wrong?

callmeadoctor · 12/09/2021 16:54

Blimey, you also wouldn't be insured if something went wrong!

LaetitiaASD · 12/09/2021 16:56

YABU if you refuse to HELP your neighbour.... but YANBU to refuse to become an essential carer.

Scotmum83 · 12/09/2021 17:00

My mum had similar situation and me and my sibling lived to far to help so the district nurse did them for her.

BlackTee40 · 12/09/2021 17:08

This reply has been deleted

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MadameHomais · 12/09/2021 17:12

You have been a marvellous neighbour and a good friend to this lady.
She is not returning the compliment to you.
She is not your responsibility and you must not feel guilty.
If you feel able just continue in the way you have been doing. It’s over and above what anyone can expect.
Good luck.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 12/09/2021 17:16

@milkyaqua

She's got 2 adult sons and a daughter who live in different parts of town about 15 minutes away. They all work full time but all drive including her son in law.

Keep this in mind, and decline any further responsibility. You are already being an exceptionally kind neighbour.

Even if they work full time if they are all that close they can easily get to her on a rota.

Say no. It's not a big commitment for her family - there are three of them so they can easily do it before or after work or even during a lunchbreak. Once every three days? Come on, that isn't difficult.

Gingefringe · 12/09/2021 17:22

I wonder if she has even asked her children to do the injecting - it would be interesting if you spoke to one of them.
See - I think she just wants you to do it because if's more convenient for her. She may assume her children are busy because they work and have famillies, whereas you're available because you're not working at the moment.

My DM is like this - she'll often say to me "I didnt bother asking you because I knew you were busy".

OhRene · 12/09/2021 17:24

My own mother needed injections at home for a while. She asked me and when I finally stopped laughing I said, "Will I fuck! Hell no, mother!"

FleasInMyKnees · 12/09/2021 17:24

Why do people think this is her families responsibility either, there could be very good reasons why they dont wish to get involved, maybe they would do it but ndn hasn't even asked them and expects op to do it instead. Calling her children cf is pretty unfair.

DontBeAHaterDear · 12/09/2021 17:25

You sound like a fantastic neighbour to have but this is asking a lot of you. I assume her actual family are “too busy” because they assume you’ll step in. That would annoy me too.

littlenickyy61 · 12/09/2021 17:37

when my dad had these injections due to a blood clot he had to have one in morning and one in evening for more than 6 months. That would be a huge commitment which you are better not starting . Start as you mean to go on. She has family close by that need to step up . If you let this one go you will be expected to do more of the same in the future so best the family get sorted now

godmum56 · 12/09/2021 17:40

@KatherineOfGaunt

Definitely decline and state your issues with unsteady hands and/or needle phobia.

This lady has THREE grown-up children all married living in the same town and they can't organise the six of them to do this for her? So she felt the need to ask you? That makes me sad.

well she may have said "oh no dears dont you worry my neighbour will do it" I often used to come across this when I was at work....because it was my job, I would catch up with the neighbour and they would go oh un ah well and I'd reassure them that NOBODY was expecting them to pick up stuff and that elderly people often assume stuff that isn't so.