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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't put money towards this present?

233 replies

speer · 11/09/2021 23:27

DH is very close to his brother and nephew (16) and they often spend time together.

BILs birthday is coming up, the other day nephew messaged DH telling him he wants to buy him some tickets, but might need his help (buying them online). Nephew told DH he'll pay for his own ticket and BILs but DH could go if he wanted, and he is.

Anyway, today nephew messaged DH saying he doesn't think he has enough money for the tickets (they are expensive, even for just one person!) and has asked DH if he'd give him the money.

DH has already bought BIL a present and these tickets would just be from nephew, and not DH as well even if he put some money towards them.

AIBU to think he shouldn't do this? Just to add, our finances are joint, I wouldn't care if it was his own money.

OP posts:
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 12/09/2021 11:52

@Howshouldibehave

Wow, I’m amazed people are saying the nephew should now be getting £90 from the OP as a Christmas present!

Other people clearly spend a lot more on presents than we do!

I would do a joint Christmas and Birthday present at that price. Alternatively a shared present from two relatives.

I still think the answer is for the nephew to buy his Dad's ticket and for the nephew's ticket to be bought as a separate gift from his uncle or maybe grandparents.

My sister, nephew and I have been to events where everyone's ticket has been a gift from someone but not necessarily the same person. So Mum might have paid for my ticket, BIL for my sister's ticket and me my nephew's ticket, all as Christmas gifts. It makes for a lovely day trip.

Original poster
speer · 12/09/2021 11:52

@Howshouldibehave

it was DH’s idea to begin with

Is that a typo?

I wouldn’t want to pay on principle if nephew asked DH to pay but for him to take all the glory.

I think that’s really shitty.

Yes, that was a type I meant it wasn't!
OP posts:
KittenMama · 12/09/2021 11:56

Sorry, I completely missed that somehow!

I'd do it, he's young and being thoughtful but it'd be the last time.

PegasusReturns · 12/09/2021 12:01

I’m shocked at how many peoples driver for gift giving is getting credit!

Datsandcogs · 12/09/2021 12:02

DH has already bought a present.

So DN wants £20 to fund his ticket, £90 for BIL and DH is welcome to buy his own as well?

Nope. Not on those terms.

But. . . . Maybe. . . . £20 loan to help DN. Ticket for BIL given as a gift from DH and you and DH buys himself a ticket too if he wants. But DN’s name should not be on the gift, as he hasn’t contributed.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/09/2021 12:05

Are there other family members that haven't got BIL a gift yet? Maybe DH can buy his own ticket, someone or a couple someone's could buy BiL ticket and contribute to Nephew's ticket. These contributors would need to be acknowledged though. Could be along lines of nephew had this great idea and we all agreed you'd love it so nephew and X and y all contributed to buy the tickets.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 12:08

How much would you/DH normally spend on birthday/Christmas presents for people, @speer?

Also, what does DH think he should do?

Is DH cross that the nephew wants a large cash gift for this but wants to keep the glory of the present himself?

AwkwardPaws27 · 12/09/2021 12:08

How about suggesting that your DH gives/lends the £20 towards BILs ticket, and then buys the nephews ticket as an early Christmas/birthday gift?

Bollindger · 12/09/2021 12:11

Just get DH to say at this point he thinks it's best to wait to do this GIFT until DN can sort it, just say it's too much to find this near Xmas, and that DH already has a gift for his Brother,

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 12/09/2021 12:28

I think you should let your DH decide what he wants to do. If I could afford it, I wouldn't mind paying in this way. You don't need credit every time you spend money or do something considerate. It sounds as though your DH would enjoy going to the concert with them.

themidnighttrain · 12/09/2021 12:29

I'd give DN the £20 to buy BIL's ticket - might make him do a chore in exchange for it, but £70 out of £90 is a pretty decent attempt for a kid.

I'd speak to DN about changing the gift slightly so DH pays for his own ticket, DH pays for DN's ticket (either an early Christmas present, or they come up with an arrangement for DN to 'work' to pay it back) and DN pays for BIL's ticket. (The £20 can be a 'secret', DN can have paid for the 'whole' thing for his DF himself.)

I agree with comments that if DN makes out he's spent £180 without any assistance, rather than be a nice present, BIL is going to worry over where his son got the cash!

Justilou1 · 12/09/2021 12:36

@speer - there is nothing in this at all for you, is there? DH gets crowned in glory and is the good guy (generous, fun uncle & brother) AND gets to go out and play, while you stay home and your generosity is not even acknowledged… OR you are the nasty, tight, stick in the mud who says no to this plan. You have been backed into a corner by DH. This is all on him.

Themorethemerrier · 12/09/2021 12:36

It sounds like the nephew is desperate to go by hook or by crook.

ChequerBoard · 12/09/2021 12:37

If you can't afford it then of course say no, but if you can then it's a nice idea from DN so I'd be all for supporting it.

Sounds like something the DH would want to go to and it would be a special day out for the three of them.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 12:39

[quote Justilou1]@speer - there is nothing in this at all for you, is there? DH gets crowned in glory and is the good guy (generous, fun uncle & brother) AND gets to go out and play, while you stay home and your generosity is not even acknowledged… OR you are the nasty, tight, stick in the mud who says no to this plan. You have been backed into a corner by DH. This is all on him.[/quote]
Why does there have to be "anything in it" for op? Hmm
What a mean minded way of looking at it.

ChequerBoard · 12/09/2021 12:40

[quote Justilou1]@speer - there is nothing in this at all for you, is there? DH gets crowned in glory and is the good guy (generous, fun uncle & brother) AND gets to go out and play, while you stay home and your generosity is not even acknowledged… OR you are the nasty, tight, stick in the mud who says no to this plan. You have been backed into a corner by DH. This is all on him.[/quote]

That's a very weird world view. Do you only buy gifts for others when there is 'something in it' for you??

Plumtree391 · 12/09/2021 12:45

It isn't really a question of whether he should or shouldn't put the money towards the gift; he doesn't have to but as a one off, it would be a very nice thing to do if he wants to and can afford it.

Nephew seems to have committed himself to something which he hadn't thought out properly. One thing that strikes me is how lovely to have a relative, not your child, who feels comfortable enough to ask an uncle to help. It demonstrates what a good relationship they have. I have no nieces or nephews but would like to think, if I did, I would have that sort of relationship with them. I have been a bit like that with the children of friends when they were young.

It's really up to your husband, op. I don't think it is a big enough deal for you to fret over as you've said you can afford it.

The nephew has to know that in future he must think things through properly in advance but, other than that, give unconditionally and think no more of it. Such a kind thing will be remembered by the nephew forever.

mellicauli · 12/09/2021 12:46

I think you need to have a chat with your nephew. He probably needs to have a deeper think about gift giving.

Giving is lovely for the recipient and feels nice for the giver, but it is important to give within your means. The receiver would probably feel really embarrassed and guilty if they learned that you had spent all their money on a gift them: the exact opposite reaction to the one you want.

Gifts aren't such a big thing to adults as children because they make their own decisions about what to do with their money - and they have more of it (usually).

So probably his Dad might be happier with something smaller and thoughtful rather than a big gesture. It's only a token, not the measure of his love.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 12/09/2021 12:47

I've changed my mind based on the figures.

If nephew doesn't even have enough to buy his own ticket, he to understand he should pick something else that he can afford. If they all want to go to the thing anyway then they can all pay to go.

I think it's a bit cheeky.

diddl · 12/09/2021 13:02

@Themorethemerrier

It sounds like the nephew is desperate to go by hook or by crook.
If that's the case-why not just ask his dad for £20 & if he & Uncle want to come as well?
caughtinanet · 12/09/2021 13:07

So the nephew has £70 and he thought that would-be enough for 2 tickets and he doesn't work, is that right?

I wouldn't want my DH to be subsidising someone so unwordly If the event isn't a one off then wait until the nephew can afford it

I dont understand how the BIL wouldn't know straight away that the nephew couldn't have paid for 2 tickets himself

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 13:16

I wouldn't want my DH to be subsidising someone so unwordly
Confused

ChequerBoard · 12/09/2021 13:20

"I wouldn't want my DH to be subsidising someone so unwordly If the event isn't a one off then wait until the nephew can afford it"

The DN is 14. Do you have or know any 14 year old boys because this response suggests not. Poor kid is just trying to do something nice for his Dad's birthday. He's trying to arrange an event to attend with his Dad and Uncle and it won't be long before he'd rather be out with his friends,

CassandraTrotter · 12/09/2021 13:20

So I’d lend the £20, buy nephew his ticket as early Christmas present and DH gets his own. They all get to go together, your DH gets credit for present to nephew, if that’s important, and nephew gets credit for present to dad and can pay back £20. Nephew is asking for something from someone he trusts. I wouldn’t spoil it by treating him as though he’s lying cheating CF unless this is a constant thing. It sounds as though it’s a one off

This. Do this. In this, everyone does something great for someone else.

LaurenKelsey · 12/09/2021 13:21

OP, why ask a question then disappear?