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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't put money towards this present?

233 replies

speer · 11/09/2021 23:27

DH is very close to his brother and nephew (16) and they often spend time together.

BILs birthday is coming up, the other day nephew messaged DH telling him he wants to buy him some tickets, but might need his help (buying them online). Nephew told DH he'll pay for his own ticket and BILs but DH could go if he wanted, and he is.

Anyway, today nephew messaged DH saying he doesn't think he has enough money for the tickets (they are expensive, even for just one person!) and has asked DH if he'd give him the money.

DH has already bought BIL a present and these tickets would just be from nephew, and not DH as well even if he put some money towards them.

AIBU to think he shouldn't do this? Just to add, our finances are joint, I wouldn't care if it was his own money.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 12/09/2021 13:25

In light of your updates, I would be inclined to say, "your gift sounds expensive! Why not save up for this, for next years birthday instead?" That's a lot of money, I wouldn't pay all that extra money, for it to come directly from someone else!

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 13:27

To all those people who feel the nephew is doing a lovely thing and aren’t bothered by the fact he wants his dad to think ONLY he has paid for this present…

Ok, you think the OP’s DH should stump up £90 for his own ticket, £90 for the dad’s ticket and £20 for the nephew (or calls it a Christmas present for the nephew), what do you recommend if the nephew has a similar plan for his mum’s birthday? Say he wants to take his mum and auntie out to a swish restaurant which will cost £50 a head, but hasn’t got any money and again wants uncle to pay but he take the credit?

Or when it’s his dad’s BIG birthday, he decides he wants to do something else expensive?

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 13:28

Some awful misery guts on this thread. The trio are very close and hang out together often. This event is something they'd all enjoy. Op's dh can afford to divvy up more than his "fair" share.
I'm not seeing any dilemma here, except that op will get no credit Grin

ChequerBoard · 12/09/2021 13:31

And there was me thinking presents are about the joy they bring to the recipient and not the 'credit' they bring to the giver of the gift...

diddl · 12/09/2021 13:34

@GreyhoundG1rl

Some awful misery guts on this thread. The trio are very close and hang out together often. This event is something they'd all enjoy. Op's dh can afford to divvy up more than his "fair" share. I'm not seeing any dilemma here, except that op will get no credit Grin
So why not just go to it then?

It doesn't have to be anyone's present to anyome!

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 13:35

It's a 14 year old looking to surprise his Dad? 🤷🏻‍♀️

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2021 13:46

16 year old

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2021 13:48

So I’d lend the £20, buy nephew his ticket as early Christmas present and DH gets his own. They all get to go together, your DH gets credit for present to nephew, if that’s important, and nephew gets credit for present to dad and can pay back £20.

@speer I agree with the solution above.

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 13:52

The only thing is BIL and SIL will be questioning why DH didn’t get Nephew a Christmas present this year.

I think £200 is way too much for DH to stump up. Nephew needs to ask his mum.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 13:56

I think £200 is way too much for DH to stump up. Nephew needs to ask his mum

I agree.

I think people saying the DH should give the nephew a £90 Christmas present clearly have much bigger present budgets than most!

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2021 14:00

The only thing is BIL and SIL will be questioning why DH didn’t get Nephew a Christmas present this year.

No they won't because they will know about it.

DN - Happy birthday Dad, I got you a ticket to X event! And guess, what - I'm coming too as Uncle Speer bought me a ticket as an early Xmas present!

BIL - Wow, that's great son, what a treat!

Uncle Speer - And just to make it even more fun, I'm coming too!

All - Hurrah!

See, a nice easy solution Smile

chesirecat99 · 12/09/2021 14:03

@CassandraTrotter

So I’d lend the £20, buy nephew his ticket as early Christmas present and DH gets his own. They all get to go together, your DH gets credit for present to nephew, if that’s important, and nephew gets credit for present to dad and can pay back £20. Nephew is asking for something from someone he trusts. I wouldn’t spoil it by treating him as though he’s lying cheating CF unless this is a constant thing. It sounds as though it’s a one off

This. Do this. In this, everyone does something great for someone else.

Yes, this is the best solution, if you can afford it.
Feedingthebirds1 · 12/09/2021 14:34

So around 50% of posters think that because the DN has had an idea, the OP's DH should leap to finding ways to make it happen? The DH pays for the BIL's ticket and part of DN's, but it's a present from DN? No. Way.

Imagine if it was SIL who'd had the same idea? Pay for BIL's ticket and part of hers, but it's still a present from her? Is the reaction that DH should pay based purely on the fact that it's a 16yo?

The DN has to be told nice idea, but it's not going to happen. Tell him to start saving up to be able to pay for it himself next year.

ChequerBoard · 12/09/2021 14:40

@Feedingthebirds1

So around 50% of posters think that because the DN has had an idea, the OP's DH should leap to finding ways to make it happen? The DH pays for the BIL's ticket and part of DN's, but it's a present from DN? No. Way.

Imagine if it was SIL who'd had the same idea? Pay for BIL's ticket and part of hers, but it's still a present from her? Is the reaction that DH should pay based purely on the fact that it's a 16yo?

The DN has to be told nice idea, but it's not going to happen. Tell him to start saving up to be able to pay for it himself next year.

That's way you'd think if you can't afford it and the ticket price is a big deal though.

If you can afford it easily, why wouldn't you want your DN, BIL and DH to all enjoy themselves together at an event 🤷‍♀️

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 14:42

If you can afford it easily, why wouldn't you want your DN, BIL and DH to all enjoy themselves together at an event 🤷‍♀️

If they want to go, can’t they all just go and pay for themselves?

What if the OP/DH pay, but then next month the nephew has another ‘great idea’ for his mum’s birthday that involve them spending another £200?

TooBigForMyBoots · 12/09/2021 14:49

It doesn't really matter what you think @speer, surely it's up to your DH to decide what he wants to do.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 12/09/2021 14:53

@Feedingthebirds1

So around 50% of posters think that because the DN has had an idea, the OP's DH should leap to finding ways to make it happen? The DH pays for the BIL's ticket and part of DN's, but it's a present from DN? No. Way.

Imagine if it was SIL who'd had the same idea? Pay for BIL's ticket and part of hers, but it's still a present from her? Is the reaction that DH should pay based purely on the fact that it's a 16yo?

The DN has to be told nice idea, but it's not going to happen. Tell him to start saving up to be able to pay for it himself next year.

😂😂 such a daft comparison
SequinsandStiIettos · 12/09/2021 14:54

Why isn't your SIL paying this 110 pounds??

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 14:57

@WallaceinAnderland

The only thing is BIL and SIL will be questioning why DH didn’t get Nephew a Christmas present this year.

No they won't because they will know about it.

DN - Happy birthday Dad, I got you a ticket to X event! And guess, what - I'm coming too as Uncle Speer bought me a ticket as an early Xmas present!

BIL - Wow, that's great son, what a treat!

Uncle Speer - And just to make it even more fun, I'm coming too!

All - Hurrah!

See, a nice easy solution Smile

I’m not sure that it is nice and easy as nephew has told DH that the present would be solely from nephew even though DH is paying.

Has the potential to get very messy.

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 14:57

@SequinsandStiIettos

Why isn't your SIL paying this 110 pounds??
Yes!!

I would hate for my 16 year olds to come up with an expensive plan for his dad’s birthday which involved getting his uncle to stump up most of the cash, when I didn’t know about it at all!

@speer have you or DH discussed it with the mum?

WallaceinAnderland · 12/09/2021 15:10

I’m not sure that it is nice and easy as nephew has told DH that the present would be solely from nephew even though DH is paying.

No I think you've misunderstood. The ticket is £90. DN has £70.

The suggestion is is that OP's DH could lend the DN the extra £20 he needs (or the boy could borrow it from his mum which would probably be better). DH would not be paying for BIL' s ticket in any way.

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 15:12

No, I get that. I just think BIL and SIL will a bit wtf that nephew’s Christmas present is his ticket this year. I could be wrong!

Howshouldibehave · 12/09/2021 15:15

If you give nephew £90 as a Christmas present, it might also make BIL/SIL feel like they have to also give expensive presents.

Far better to talk to the mum and find out what’s going on and if she knows about any of this. She might decide to pay for the nephew’s ticket so that he can still use his money to pay for his dad’s one. I wouldn’t do anything without talking to her.

mrsbyers · 12/09/2021 15:30

I would do it and often have , the danger is if it becomes a regular thing and expected

MiaRoma · 12/09/2021 15:48

No. Don't help

Nephew needs to learn to budget. Tickets can be saved up for and purchased for next birthday. He can put some or all of the already saved £70 towards next years gift