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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Arachnophobics - I want to understand. DSis is leaving holiday.

271 replies

Dollywilde · 11/09/2021 21:15

Ok first off I hate spiders. I really do. Once got a randomer off my local FB to remove one.

But we are on holiday. First family holiday since baby was born. My sister has left after one night because she can’t cope with the spiders.

I paid for and organised it. They’re not huge (nothing bigger than a 5p piece). She’s severely arachnaphobic, I get that. But I’m cross, we have activities planned and she wanted to come and I can’t believe she’s letting this ruin the holiday.

It’s her thing, she’s going, I get it doesn’t affect me aside from the fact we all wanted a lovely holiday together. And I know it’s a real phobia.

Basically, can people shake some sense into me to stop me being cross? I don’t want to be cross with her. But walking out half way through a holiday I paid for is making me sad. We were having such a lovely time and this has basically made the entire break a waste of time and ££££.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 11/09/2021 22:38

OP you’re still saying spiders were “all small”. Can you not understand that this is completely irrelevant?

Grenlei · 11/09/2021 22:38

Tricky isn't it? Can understand your frustration OP but then again if you're scared, you're scared. I'm sure being there would make her miserable.

I hate spiders, seeing a big one makes me feel sick. But over the years I've been forced to tolerate them to a degree, mainly by other people who wouldn't allow me to do what your sister has done... For example when I was a teenager I went away with my friend and her family in their touring caravan. Getting ready to go to bed I saw a massive palm sized one just above the bed. Screamed, friends dad came to look for it but it had scuttled off. Friends dad said well it'd gone now, get to bed. Had to sleep there that night, no choice not to. Thankfully it didn't make a reappearance.

Peanutsandchilli · 11/09/2021 22:40

Sorry but you absolutely don't think rationally when you have a phobia of something. I have a phobia of something I have to face every single day and no amount of therapy or hypnosis has changed that. I really feel for your sister, she didn't have a choice, I'm afraid.

Darbs76 · 11/09/2021 22:41

I have a phobia of wasps, made worse by 5 live nests and over 200 live wasps in my flat over a 3wk period. A phobia is a phobia, she is clearly terrified to leave early. You’re not unreasonable to feel annoyed about it, especially if you paid but when someone has a real fear of something it’s not just something you can turn on and off. This is spider season too

Original poster

Dollywilde · 11/09/2021 22:45

@PuppyMonkey

OP you’re still saying spiders were “all small”. Can you not understand that this is completely irrelevant?

Oh I do. I’m trying to explain why I feel so sad that my best mate has left a free holiday…

Phobias are irrational and I understand that. I just want to not feel so torn.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dollywilde · 11/09/2021 22:46

And again thank you to all for your phobia stories, which must be hard to share. They’re helping me to understand a lot

OP posts:

Otherthanetta · 11/09/2021 22:46

I don’t like spiders over a certain size and chunkiness. Is there any chance she could be worried about these spiders being false widows? I ask because I think they are the size of a 5 pence piece. Normally a spider that size wouldn’t phase me unless it looked like false widow. I heard they are rife this year in certain parts of the country (shudder).

toomuchlaundry · 11/09/2021 22:47

So what happen if she gets home and there are spiders at home? Does she have to move house?

MrsKeats · 11/09/2021 22:48

Why are people complaining about judgy comments on aibu? That's the whole point.

newmumfeb21 · 11/09/2021 22:51

I used to live in a really old house, not a day went by in the autumn where I didn't encounter a spider and some of them were massive (as in a pint glass would barely have fitted them inside, had I actually been able to go anywhere near them with a pint glass). I barely coped - at best I was scanning everywhere, always on high alert so I could call DH to get rid. At worst I used to dread going home from tbe office, I'd think about it all day, check the bed and stay in it all evening after dinner. It was all I could think about. Anxiety strengthens and magnifies phobia and it's just a downward spiral. One weekend DH was away on a stag do and I saw a huge one in the only bathroom - I tried to hoover it up but just couldn't bring myself to go near it, I had to go to the local Morrisons to use the toilet last thing and first thing. It feels utterly ridiculous writing that out, I'm very brave and stoic in relation to other things but a pp compared phobia to having someone hold a gun to your head, and it really does feel that way coupled with a healthy dose of shame and feeling utterly pathetic, particularly if you're trying to explain that to someone who hasn't felt such inexplicable fear before.

The good news is that I did see two hypnotherapists and the second one worked wonders - I still don't like spiders, but unless I am having a really bad day I can catch them and put them outside - also we eventually moved.

In your sister's shoes I'd definitely have had to leave the holiday feeling that way - good on you for being so kind @Dollywilde and for trying to understand. I hope things improve for your sister and she does seek help so she doesn't dread every autumn and doesn't have to leave any more holidays, I am proof things can get better!

Dutchesss · 11/09/2021 22:51

Can I come instead? I love Centre Parcs and would share a bed with a spider for a free holiday.

Porridgealert · 11/09/2021 22:51

You keep stressing that it's a FREE holiday. If it's a phobia that wouldn't make any difference to her staying or leaving. Do you think she would have stayed if she'd paid?

PuppyMonkey · 11/09/2021 22:51

If it’s any consolation, your best mate is probably really sad about it too.

Wafflepup · 11/09/2021 22:54

Would she come back if you told her you would spray peppermint about and do a spider search of the rooms for her a few times a day? With someone removing the spiders quickly with no fuss and no need for her to see? Then nobody making a big deal, just dealt with and move on?

Just trying to think of things that might help. Although I have to say, I've only been to one center parks, it was like a log cabin in the middle of woods... in spider season... it isn't really the best holiday for a phobia. Really feel for you both.

toomuchlaundry · 11/09/2021 22:54

If she is that bad I'm amazed she agreed to go to CP in the first place

PuppyMonkey · 11/09/2021 22:56

I’m reading the thread through again OP. Have you or anyone else removed the spiders she’s upset about? Or tried to? or just left it, because the spiders were only small?

Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 22:57

@Plumtree391

Dolly, there are short videos on Youtube with hypnosis to cure arachnophobia. I'm not saying they always work but I know one helped me, I'm not as 'bad' as I was and no longer panic; I wish I could find it again. Here is one, I'm not mad about the voice but I may listen to it later and there are plenty of others.

I don't know what it is about spiders which are generally harmless, at least in the UK. I am not afraid of mice, snakes or anything like that but spiders have been a lifelong fear. However I am pleased to say that my fear is now reduced.

Sorry, I didn't post the link, I thought I had. Here it is:

(May I just say, I currently have a resident mouse. I will get round to catching it in my humane mouse trap before it invites all its friends and relatives into my house.)

FrugalFanny · 11/09/2021 23:01

I have a severe phobia when it comes to mice. Even writing about them makes me shudder. I once spent an entire weekend living upstairs - so no food, just water from the basin in the bathroom and basically living on my bed because I saw a mouse in my kitchen downstairs.

So you would think I would understand arachnophobia better than I do. My mouse phobia is off the charts, I can barely even think about them, without getting the shivers.

But to me, a spider is a little weak spindly thing. It doesn't have teeth, eyes, fur, tail, skin, skeleton, ears ... like a mouse does. Last night I had to remove two big spiders and a fluttering moth from my daughter's bedroom because she refused to sleep In there. It's the easiest thing in the world for me, and I did it while my daughter cowered in the corner. I would happily sleep with several spiders, moths, bugs in my room and not be remotely bothered.

Before I realised the cause of the occasional mouse visitor into my house (vegetation growing up the walls and providing a climbing frame for them to enter windows) my next door neighbour would often be called upon to come and remove/chase off/catch the mouse. She didn't bat an eyelid. Cool as a cucumber.

But that same woman would scream and leap onto her kitchen table if she caught sight of a spider and I have responded to many shuddering door knocks to remove spiders from her home.

She can't understand my mouse phobia. I can't understand her spider phobia, it's just become an accepted thing between us, that we come to each other's rescue.

TartanJumper · 11/09/2021 23:03

It's a phobia.
I have a phobia (not spiders) and if my thing was in a house, I would leave, even if it was contained.
It's not rational- I can't even bring myself to type the word. When I was a child, I was put into isolation for throwing a book with a picture of it in across the room and screaming.
There is no way on this earth that your sister could have stayed in that house. It's shit, but she can't help it.
I hope you can enjoy the rest of your break with your baby and whoever else is with you.

MargaretThursday · 11/09/2021 23:05

@Wafflepup

That's what I was thinking. I'm not anything like as bad as she is, but really spiders just send me shivering.

The worst thing is when people minimise it. "That one isn't worth bothering about" "I'll come and have a look for it when I've finished my cup of tea, but it'll have probably gone by then."

It makes you feel far worse because it's totally out of control, when people just think you're being silly.

If I know that the person with me will come straight away and remove it if I ask, then I can cope with much more than if they're "oh don't be silly".
It took dh a few years to discover that. Now he's generally pretty good if I ask him to remove one, which means I can cope with smaller ones myself.

ArabellaScott · 11/09/2021 23:07

Off to introduce the tiny one to baby owls tomorrow

BABY OWLS OMG.

RampantIvy · 11/09/2021 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

TartanJumper · 11/09/2021 23:09

Actually spider phobia must be worse than quite a few others.
I can almost completely avoid mine. Most people can. But spiders just rock up unexpectedly in your own home ALL THE TIME.

PuppyMonkey · 11/09/2021 23:10

Ha posting spider emojis, ha ha. Good one.

TaraR2020 · 11/09/2021 23:17

@FrugalFanny that's a lovely story - i Hope I get s neighbour like yours one day! I quite like mice and have no problem removing them when the cat brings them in!

@Dollywilde thank you for not putting photos in! tbf, if I were in your shoes even with my spider phobia I'd be pretty unhappy that she left the hol like that.

It's a tricky one - I think you're lovely for trying to understand more and I hope you have a great time at CP anyway :)

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