Arachnophobics - I want to understand. DSis is leaving holiday.

[Dollywilde]

Ok first off I hate spiders. I really do. Once got a randomer off my local FB to remove one.

But we are on holiday. First family holiday since baby was born. My sister has left after one night because she can’t cope with the spiders.

I paid for and organised it. They’re not huge (nothing bigger than a 5p piece). She’s severely arachnaphobic, I get that. But I’m cross, we have activities planned and she wanted to come and I can’t believe she’s letting this ruin the holiday.

It’s her thing, she’s going, I get it doesn’t affect me aside from the fact we all wanted a lovely holiday together. And I know it’s a real phobia.

Basically, can people shake some sense into me to stop me being cross? I don’t want to be cross with her. But walking out half way through a holiday I paid for is making me sad. We were having such a lovely time and this has basically made the entire break a waste of time and ££££.

@Tlollj

Sorry to bang on about it. But you weren’t bitten you didn’t turn black, swell up and die. So you don’t need to be scared. If it’s learned behaviour you can in learn it. I sound such a dick but I really don’t understand. You must know it’s a baseless fear.

It triggers a response in the limbic system. Once that is started, you really don't have a lot of control over it. It is a physical as well as a mental thing. I do know it is mostly baseless (although I am violently allergic to almost all spider bites), but phobias are, BY DEFINITION, irrational, and something that almost no one can control by will alone. We're telling you this over and over, but you don't seem able to see it.

@Mamanyt and yet I have never heard of anyone who has left their house and refused to return because there was a spider in it. Or their job for that matter. Yet all houses and all places of work have spiders in them. You are very heavily invested in your response to something you are scared of being a phobia whilst other people just have fears but the truth is that people can and do rationalise phobias to make their lives livable every day.

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Mamanyt and yet I have never heard of anyone who has left their house and refused to return because there was a spider in it. Or their job for that matter. Yet all houses and all places of work have spiders in them. You are very heavily invested in your response to something you are scared of being a phobia whilst other people just have fears but the truth is that people can and do rationalise phobias to make their lives livable every day.[/quote]
Not only do I have a phobia, but I worked in mental health for years. Part of that time I was actively studying what a phobia is and is not. However, in the interest of not raising my blood pressure and having another stroke, I am now disengaging from this thread.

Have at it, guys. Just remember...if you don't have an actual phobia, you have no clue. Just as if you have never had a third degree burn, you can have no clue.

You’re completely right I don’t understand it. I mean I don’t like mice and rats any thing like that.
But I wouldn’t call it a phobia they’re just horrible things with weird shoulder blades urggh
Would the op sil walk out of her home, job, an overseas holiday?

It's a difficult one. I really don't like spiders - but big spiders . I can't cope with say a tarantula even in a picture or on TV, and I hate this time of year when the house gets taken over by the large house spiders .

With age I am better than I was, as a teenager I would scream even at the 5p sized ones whereas now I am able to deal with the very large ones as long as they are in a position where I can squash them (sorry) or suck up the hoover .

I suppose although I would feel frustrated at someone like your sister being that bad about small
Spiders, no way could I stay in a place where the very large spiders were running around near where I was sleeping .

Ha, just rationalise your phobia, and you are cured! Bloody hell. Some people really have no clue how debilitating a phobia can be. One of mine may well cost me my life one day. Makes sense that other people are affected by theirs to the point they cut a holiday short, or sleep in the garden etc.
Phobias are a recognised mental health condition. But hey, anyone can just stop being scared, like they can apparently stop hiccups at will. Let's tell people with depression to just stop being depressed too.

Call The Speakmans!!!

Phobias need professional treatment. And it can work.

Massive spider in work today, we lost for a while and I cried. Had I not found it, I was going home. Hoovered it up and put sellotape on the end of hose. Fuck. That.

@XenoBitch

Ha, just rationalise your phobia, and you are cured! Bloody hell. Some people really have no clue how debilitating a phobia can be. One of mine may well cost me my life one day. Makes sense that other people are affected by theirs to the point they cut a holiday short, or sleep in the garden etc. Phobias are a recognised mental health condition. But hey, anyone can just stop being scared, like they can apparently stop hiccups at will. Let's tell people with depression to just stop being depressed too.

This made me laugh!

When my anxiety was at its worse my DH would say "just stop worrying!" like omg my anxiety is instantly cured!

He also loves to say "it's just a tiny wasp" when I am absolutely terrified of them....

Oh I am so torn on this. On the face of it I can see it’s completely irrational to leave because of this but that’s the thing with phobias, they are totally irrational. I sympathise with you both. You’re not unreasonable to be upset about it but equally 10-15 spiders is a lot and speaking as an arachnophobe I would struggle with it. I also live in Australia although I’m from the U.K. and the size of the spiders out here never fails but to horrify me. However in Australia we tend to get hardly any spiders in the house. I’ve only ever found one and it was nothing too big (still made me scream though!). I think I would really, really struggle to find that many spiders inside.

I have a phobia of spiders and I wouldn't leave a holiday because of it. I would maybe spend some time sorting things out so I could be a bit more comfortable there like going out to buy bug spray. My DH is super understanding though and he always gets rid of spiders for me so I don't feel so afraid if I'm with him.

I’d say there’s been maybe 3 5p sized spiders, 2/3 daddy long legs types and then 8-10

That is not a holiday, that's a torture dungeon !!! I'd have been gone with the 3 plus 2/3. 8-10!!! No way!!! I was in a similar position when dh and I went to the Yorkshire Dales and stayed in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. Had to sleep sitting up with the light on for the whole week and that's only after I'd seen 2 big ones. Didn't quite relax and enjoy the holiday as all I could think of was where they could be hiding/ when they would pounce etc. She's not BU as much as you're not BU. It's an irrational but very much rela fear.

@Wizzbangfizz

I'm a severe arachnophobe and I wouldn't leave CP in those circumstances

Surely it can't be that severe if you can cope with that many spiders inside?

Well I just don’t get it I guess 🤷‍♀️
But you absolutely can stop hiccuping.

@Tlollj

Well I just don’t get it I guess 🤷‍♀️ But you absolutely can stop hiccuping.

Maybe learn how to understand that some people are different from you? You may be able to stop hiccuping, as it happens I can as well half the time, I can calm my diaphragm and stop quickly, the other half I really can't and I can use all the logic in the world and all my self control but my body will still do what it wants regardless. I can well believe that other people can't stop hiccuping any time, we all work the same in a lot of ways but in some ways work slightly differently.

For instance despite all explanations and putting yourself forward as a rational person you seem unable to learn people are different to you.

A few weeks back I even woke up from a deep sleep hiccuping, how's that for no choice in the matter!! And try as I might, no I definitely could NOT make myself stop until my body decided it had enough.

People saying it’s unreasonable to leave for tiny ones but not for bigger ones - think about it. What is the difference? There is no material difference in smaller or bigger spiders. For someone with a phobia of spiders is size going to matter? Is it overall size, or fat spiders that you’re allowed to be scared of? Fat body or fat legs? Does the size make one more dangerous? No. A spider is a spider. The difference in size is tiny really so if you think it’s silly to be scared of smaller ones then you’re equally silly for being scared of bigger ones. And it makes no difference if it’s near your bed or not when you see it. You’re asleep for 6-8 hours, these little fuckers can do marathons in that time . I wouldn’t expect that many spiders even in Center Parcs. Also to the poster with no fears and the ability to control spasms and stuff, I’m jealous! People with these fears don’t want the fear, there are a lot of mental conditions I don’t have but don’t assume people can just talk themselves out of.

I don't agree @Hakunapotato

Small spiders I don't like but can control my reaction.
Large spiders... I'm having difficulty typing those words as the mental image makes me shake

To be fair I actually am the same. The larger the spider, the worse the fear. However, a spider is a spider and I’m just saying there is no standard size it’s acceptable to be scared of. My comment was aimed at people who just dismiss people worrying about snapper spiders.

She's always had this phobia and lives with it. This is the first time it's affected you and you're cross. I get that. But put yourself in her shoes. And then take them off because there's a spider in there. This is worse for her than for you. She probably hates herself too. That must tell you how bad this phobia is.