Arachnophobics - I want to understand. DSis is leaving holiday.

[Dollywilde]

Ok first off I hate spiders. I really do. Once got a randomer off my local FB to remove one.

But we are on holiday. First family holiday since baby was born. My sister has left after one night because she can’t cope with the spiders.

I paid for and organised it. They’re not huge (nothing bigger than a 5p piece). She’s severely arachnaphobic, I get that. But I’m cross, we have activities planned and she wanted to come and I can’t believe she’s letting this ruin the holiday.

It’s her thing, she’s going, I get it doesn’t affect me aside from the fact we all wanted a lovely holiday together. And I know it’s a real phobia.

Basically, can people shake some sense into me to stop me being cross? I don’t want to be cross with her. But walking out half way through a holiday I paid for is making me sad. We were having such a lovely time and this has basically made the entire break a waste of time and ££££.

If you travelled separately I'd stay the rest of the holiday and enjoy yourself.

@GingerGetThePopcorn

Is she having a rough time in general at the moment? I'm phobic of snakes which doesn't normally affect my life very much at all (live in the UK). But I do notice that if I'm stressed/anxious/depressed, my ability to cope with snake pictures, films etc absolutely goes out the window. Sometimes when things are OK I can look at a photo of a snake without any trouble, but if my mental health is bad the same photo will make me panic. I wonder if she's struggling in a totally unrelated area of life and reacting more strongly than she might otherwise. Either way YANBU to be feeling irritated with her for leaving but she's probably even more annoyed with herself.

This is very perceptive, thank you. She’s just got through a really hard time but from experience you crumble after you’ve been coping. Such a good point.

Thank you again everyone for your experiences and I’m sorry to everyone who struggles with a phobia. I still feel sad for our holiday (and I’m not going to ask for money back, she feels shit enough I’m sure) but I know we all wanted a nice holiday and I’m just so sad the phobia has stood in the way of it.

@SwayingInTime

If it helps you understand, my mother once came home with the children having not been able to proceed to swimming lessons, In fact been barely ableTo drive home, because of a Halloween display of spiders made From painted paper plates with crepe paper legs in the foyer of the leisure centre. My kids still talk of the incident in grave tones!

I can't use my local Tesco metro around Haloween because they always decorate the checkout area with fake cobwebs and spiders

@kaleidoscopeheartless

If you travelled separately I'd stay the rest of the holiday and enjoy yourself.

Oh we will! Off to introduce the tiny one to baby owls tomorrow

@Branleuse

Where is she going to go to that wont have any spiders when september is spider season?

I've never had so many spiders drop onto the beds as this year.

I won't continue but you get the drift.

I don't think going home will be any safer.

@lanbro

I think if I had a phobia that affected my life so badly I'd be seeking hypnotherapy treatment or something! My dm and dsis both hate spiders so when my dad went to work away I became chief spider catcher, as a teen. There are tons at this time of year, I'm removing them daily from the house and I don't live in a cabin in the woods!

Would you dsis seek therapy? Seems such a shame to have her life ruled by a phobia

it would be lovely if it always worked....phobias are like many other mental health issues....there are treatments but none are guaranteed to work.

Mine is so bad I can't even read the thread, but I got the general idea. There is a serious housekeeping issue if there are that many in the place. I would have had problems too.

I have terrible terrible terrible arachnophobia. I can only cope if I know there is someone available to take control and remove each and every spider from the property. If there is no such person available I would probably have to leave. I hope nobody was minimising the phobia and laughing at her and telling her to pull herself together and ignoring her pleas to deal with the small 5p sized spiders that should not be terrifying but really are. Because she has an irrational phobia.

@gingergetthepopcorn yes.

I should have mentioned that my phobia gets so, so much worse if I'm struggling mentally.

Now that I am more on top of the phobia it's a useful warning that I need to look after myself more if the phobia starts to get worse again.

@RincewindsHat

How many spiders are there? What's the accommodation like? I stayed in a room (in another country) once which had an actual nest of cockroaches in a massive hole in the wall half hidden by a wardrobe and they were everywhere - severe infestation, ran over me in bed, were all over the curtains when I went to pull them open or closed, woke up in the middle of the night, turned the light on and decided I had to sleep in my hiking boots as the floor was crawling with them to the extent I could not put my feet down. I had nightmares for years afterwards, and for a period every time I closed my eyes I saw cockroaches crawling across my vision. The fear genuinely affected me for a long time after, and I would be the exact same way staying anywhere with spiders, so if there are lots of them...I'm with your sister. Phobias are real!

Ugh, you wouldn't have to have a phobia to hate that! I used to work in a hotel (Chsnnel Islands). In the ending I had to go into the cellar to get lemons for the bar. I used to switch the light on then sit on the top step for 3 minutes to give the cockroaches chance to scatter. There's no way I could cope with even one in my bedroom. 🪳 🤮

Ah see I totally get where you're coming from, op, but I am an arachnophobe. My stomach knotted at opening this thread in case you'd included pictures, which have the same effect on me as the real thing.

Heart racing, cold sweats, jelly legs, skin crawling, tears and feelings of intense distress.

Might need to shower afterwards to convince myself there are none on me...Nightmares of spiders crawling over me...Vivid memories of previous times when big ones have landed on me...Keep thinking I see them out of the corners of my eyes and it makes me jumpy.

Plus the embarrassment and shame because it is totally irrational. At this time of year its worse bc there are so many big ones so I'm in a heightened state of alert to them!

All those saying 'I'm arachnophobia and wouldn't leave a holiday' are you self diagnosed?

I think anyone who is suggesting therapy to deal with a severe phobia doesn’t really understand that the therapy itself would be that person’s actual worst nightmare. I would put therapy up there with being forced to watch the Arachnophobia film with my eyes taped open.

@Dollywilde

Sorry - I’ve probably underestimated it based on the above. I’d say there’s been maybe 3 5p sized spiders, 2/3 daddy long legs types and then 8-10 little ones since we arrived yesterday. Trying to be objective! We are in a lodge.

I'm afaid I'd be leaving too. I am severely phobic.

I know it's irrational but that makes no difference

Just to add to the cacophony OP, it's a terrible phobia to have. I suffered awfully when I was young and would absolutely have left. Was bitten by a large spider abroad later on which did nothing to alleviate the horror; it's a fairly rational fear really -

16 in a day? Absolutely no way I'd he able to sleep a wink in there, that's truly ridiculous. I'd have left too.

Hit post before I was ready! I meant rational in that they are fairly ugly, alien little buggers and can be quite toxic. My dear has settled somewhat since kids as I'd rather avoid them having this level of terror, but even now I'd struggle. You sound like a lovely sister. Reassure her and don't take it personally, it really isn't.

@TaraR2020 I’m so sorry. I meant to put ‘no photos’ in the title, I wouldn’t have clicked on this myself tbh and I don’t consider myself phobic!

I think it’s a bad season and just a bad plan. I’m just a bit sad really! Going to tuck into the lodge wine.

Anyone got any CP lube? Maybe I can make spider slip and slide

Phobias generally aren't rational, but that doesn't make them any less horrible for the phobic person. I have a fear of heights, I can't even walk across a lookout or bridge when I can see theirs no ground below it. Perfectly safe, absolutely no danger, very irrational, but no less real or terrifying. The phobia triggers all the same processes the mind and body would go through in the face of a real threat to safety, so for all intents and purposes what your sister is experiencing is real. She'll be in flight or fight, adrenaline rushing through her body, heart rate up, there may not even be any specific thoughts going through her head, I know there's not for me when confronted with heights. There's complete mind freezing panic. I'm sure she's aware of how much she's impacted everyone else, this makes it worse, guilt on top of the fear. If she's usually a considerate person then you should take this at face value, she wouldn't have left if she could have stayed.

To those who say it’s a bit much… maybe 10 of the 16 (and all the big ones) were on arrival yesterday. Which I guess makes sense since they asked for windows to be open on exit. The others (all small) have been since our initial entrance.

Phobias can be a complete fucker. I had one so bad, that for 20 years, I couldn't even touch books/papers I knew to have a picture (even cartoon) of fish, let alone be anywhere near one. I only desensitized myself after an awful day where toddler DD disappeared and I couldn't go after her as she had gone off into a mini aquarium; I had to run around it while in a panic attack, hoping to spot her come out of several doors. I took her to a large aquarium this year! It took a missing 18 month old and 3 more years to get past mine OP, no chance I could have managed it for a holiday. As Ginger said, it still comes back when I'm stressed too, despite being nominally fine for a few years now.

I would hate that and I don't suffer from arachnophobia. For someone with this phobia that's not a holiday, that's pure torture. I can't blame her.

It’s just that this is the first time that it’s had such a huge negative impact on a family thing.

Perhaps now you’ve seen how it impacts her life because it has impacted hers, you’ll be more sympathetic?

But it's pretty rare for people to be that scared of small ones.

I’d love to see the data you have on that?

Dolly, there are short videos on Youtube with hypnosis to cure arachnophobia. I'm not saying they always work but I know one helped me, I'm not as 'bad' as I was and no longer panic; I wish I could find it again. Here is one, I'm not mad about the voice but I may listen to it later and there are plenty of others.

I don't know what it is about spiders which are generally harmless, at least in the UK. I am not afraid of mice, snakes or anything like that but spiders have been a lifelong fear. However I am pleased to say that my fear is now reduced.