Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

My condolences . Grief can warp perceptions and it's normal to latch onto things like this as others have said. I agree with not discussing it with your father further unless he brings it up himself. If he does, others have given some great ideas on how to handle that gently, but firmly.

Really, what is appropriate at funerals varies widely between communities so all the rules people are coming out with will have limitations. I've had people who were surprised I attended family funerals with my spouse for his blood relatives, even though I had before, with one who went on about how modern that is (in this century) and weren't sure of the appropriateness that time and would have to check about that whereas where I come from everyone goes to a funeral and telling someone it isn't appropriate for them to attend is a huge insult and basically telling you you're shunned.

The remark about jumpers made me smile - that was my step-FIL's funeral outfit of choice. The ones I knew who wore suit jackets wore that type of style most of the time I'd known them. My spouse doesn't even own a suit jacket, he wears a black formal shirt (no snooker, though he did used to work security) and trousers, and I've never heard it called as him wearing half a suit. DS1 wore a dark green shirt with black trousers to all the funerals he's attended and
DS2 wore a black jumper with black school trousers. I had compliments about both.

The only outfit I've ever judged at a funeral was someone that turned up in jeans and hoodie (woman in her 50s/60s. Totally different if it was a child or maybe even teen).

To me, that was just plain disrespectful not even making an effort. Most funerals I've been to people just wear smart dark clothing. Not necessarily black, just dark and plain. You dhs blue work suits would have been fine, but what he did wear sounds fine too.

[quote Kite22]@Chloemol Who made you judge and jury ?

That may be your opinion, but if you read the thread, opinion is divided.

Surely the best thing for all of us to do at a funeral is to respect the thinking of those nearest and dearest to the deceased. So, if you 99 yr old GRandma wants everyone to turn up in football shirts, or your 103 yr old Grandad wants people to wear bright colours, then great. But if the family of the deceased - be they 84, 39, or 24 - are expecting a more formal, or more traditional approach, then it is respectful for a man to wear a black (or dark) suit. Especially if you are a close family member. People 'less close' to the deceased are generally afforded more leeway.[/quote]
Agree with this.

I'm not surprised that the father noticed the lack of suit and considered it too informal, although clearly he has not expressed that view politely.

OP - I think you and your husband misjudged the situation but now you know what the norm is for your family at funerals unless stated otherwise.

As an aside I have never been to a funeral where smart dark clothes (meaning black suits for men) weren't the default and would be surprised to see jeans.

@Changethetoner

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.

As an old person myself, I agree. One of the milestones of being an adult is owning a suit for just such events. Would not expect it of teenagers-- just something clean, without holes and without sarcastic sayings. Bought my grandson his first suit at age 14 for Cotillion graduation, weddings and funerals. He kept growing, is now 19 and on his third suit. The next one he gets will be selected and paid for by him.

Total bunch of bollocks.

Who cares what anyone wears at a funeral. He was well dressed, he just didn't have a jacket. Plenty of people can't afford to buy new clothes for a funeral. Plenty of people have put weight on over the last 18 months during lockdown and possibly don't fit in their suits anymore!

None of my deceased relatives would have cared what people wore at their funerals

Cotillion graduation 🤣

Look at you sneaking that in there like that sort of out dated thing is the norm

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Total bunch of bollocks.

Who cares what anyone wears at a funeral. He was well dressed, he just didn't have a jacket. Plenty of people can't afford to buy new clothes for a funeral. Plenty of people have put weight on over the last 18 months during lockdown and possibly don't fit in their suits anymore!

None of my deceased relatives would have cared what people wore at their funerals

I think it is naive to not expect social norms to play any role in what is considered appropriate funeral attire.

Clearly, in this instance the norm for the family was formal dark dress and tbh I'm surprised that the OP wasn't aware of this beforehand.

I think it is the exception for more casual dress at a funeral which is indicated by its announcement beforehand (i.e. please wear bright colours, appropriate clothes for forest funeral etc)

His outfit sounds fine.

I was shocked when I went to a family funeral at the start of the year and so many people had allowed their teens to wear trainers, skinny jeans and sports jackets, despite the respective adults wearing appropriate funeral attire. Surely these school age children have either a pair of black trousers or a skirt and a pair of tights? And then a smart top or shirt to combine them with?

Most funeral etiquette places i can find say black tie, a suit or a dress shirt & pants.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if a male attendee was smartly dressed but without a jacket, particularly in the summer.

I can remember many years ago (1970s) attending my grandmothers funeral and my mother was shocked because I would not wear a black headscarf. Other than that I was entirely in black, even my stockings.

All that has gone.

Many men nowadays never own a suit. Any plain conservative outfit is considered acceptable for a funeral no matter how formal. Some people nowadays express the wsh that attendees will wear bright colours to celebrate their lives.

Mourning is done in the heart. A funeral is only a vulgar show for the "world".

I think it's more like a difference of social background. I've noticed that, at working class funerals (including all DF's family) dress is much more formal than at middle class ones.

Ok, if that's what you think.

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Total bunch of bollocks.

Who cares what anyone wears at a funeral. He was well dressed, he just didn't have a jacket. Plenty of people can't afford to buy new clothes for a funeral. Plenty of people have put weight on over the last 18 months during lockdown and possibly don't fit in their suits anymore!

None of my deceased relatives would have cared what people wore at their funerals

You might not care what people wear and your dead relatives might not care. But many people do care so it's not bollocks to them.

I think it's more like a difference of social background. I've noticed that, at working class funerals (including all DF's family) dress is much more formal than at middle class ones.

We don't have a class system in Ireland as such yet obviously there are different social backgrounds. In Ireland, it would be the complete opposite of the above and the perceived lower in social ranking would be more informally dressed (and display less formal behaviour) at religious ceremonies.

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Total bunch of bollocks.

Who cares what anyone wears at a funeral. He was well dressed, he just didn't have a jacket. Plenty of people can't afford to buy new clothes for a funeral. Plenty of people have put weight on over the last 18 months during lockdown and possibly don't fit in their suits anymore!

None of my deceased relatives would have cared what people wore at their funerals

Well as you can see lots of people care. Not the deceased ones, the ones that are still alive - if that were not obvious to you.

@BasicDad

How hard is it to understand that unless the funeral arrangements have stated wear what you want, that attire should be formal?

More so if you're a direct relation.

👏👏👏

Seems like fixation on clothing or other random thing is common on the day of a funeral. This explains a similar thing that happened to me. When I was a teen I went to my grandfathers funeral, my dad told me off for wearing an outfit he deemed wrong for the occasion. It wasn't, but anyway I changed in to the outfit he suggested (my school uniform). Later he told me off again for wearing school uniform....why didn't I just wear normal clothes etc.

SeriouslyISuppose not in my community. Most wear full black if you are family. White shirt, black tie, black suit is usual for friends. I’ve a funeral outfit for each season.

Same here godmum.
I'm in my 60s, have been to 4 funerals and didn't wear black to any of them, including my parents.
I certainly don't have a nice little black dress waiting in the wings for the next one, should I go.

@Porridgealert

I think it's more like a difference of social background. I've noticed that, at working class funerals (including all DF's family) dress is much more formal than at middle class ones.

Ok, if that's what you think.

It's not a value judgement. If you are reading working class as being a negative, that's a reflection of your attitudes, not mine.

I think dressing very formally for a funeral can be a good way of marking it as a day apart from the norm and special (though I don't think the OP's husband did anything wrong). But, in the U.K., there can be a reverse snobbery about 'over-dressing'. I remember going to a m.c. funeral where the widow was wearing full black and a hat with a veil (a modern one, not OTT), which would have been totally fine in DF's family, but hearing mourners mutter that she looked like a Mafia widow.

People from different social backgrounds have different cultural expectations. We all know this is true in real life but there's a taboo about mentioning this on MN, which I find weird and hypocritical.

His outfit sounds fine.

That said, it's not unreasonable to expect a man to own a black suit and the dress code is set by the family of the dead person - in this case your DF.

Also, it's not that unusual for people to comment on funeral attire. I still remember my grandmother (sister of the deceased) saying that my cousin's outfit (black tie but freshly shaved bleached-blond head and earring in one ear) was disgraceful and he looked a right scally in front of her sister's friends.

My friends brother died when we were all about 25. Many (young) people at funeral in jeans ans trainers. I remember being a bit shocked but what matters is that they were there.

Going to a funeral is about celebrating a life and saying good bye I am surprised your he had time to notice. I would just ignore it your DHs clothes sound fine. Sorry about your loss.

Funerals are for the living. Pretty poor manners to turn up in something that doesn't show respect for the principal mourners.

Nowadays full suit at funeral isn't the expected norm ime.

Most funerals ask for bright colours, dress in favourite colour of the deceased etc.

Chinos and v neck jumper, shirt in colour with smart back trousers etc.

I'm guessing your dad is older so still has the traditional view? That's no excuse for him being rude though and I doubt others were commenting. Who spends a funeral worrying about what others are wearing? And if you were I'd question your respect for the deceased too!

I remember my aunt attending my grandpa's funeral in an old bobbly light blue jumper. No idea why she didn't find something more suitable - her teenage kids and husband were all dressed v smartly. It was noticed and commented on by my Grandma.