Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

I'm in Scotland and here I think this can be a class indicator - the more traditional working class you are, the blacker and more formal the clothes that people wear to funerals. I've seen some where everyone looked like wedding guests who'd been dipped in black dye - fascinators, hats the lot, but all in jet black. The more middle class you are the more likely that people will be wearing other colours / less formal attire.

I'm not suspicious about several people commenting or surprised at your father's comments. In my part of the UK, no jacket by a family member would definately be commented on by my parents generation. There is nothing to be gained from his comments though - I definately would not be sharing with husband, and if it was brought up again, I'd make it clear to dad that I DH would be very upset to hear his comment

Ask who. Get the names. I bet nobody said it. He just moaned about it to guests and being a funeral they felt awkward and probably nodded in agreement not knowing what else to do.

Don't worry. Grief does a lot of things to people. Unfortunately men of your dad's generation were bought up to believe that showing any emotion is weakness. So instead of saying I'm really upset at the death and don't know what to do, he complains about something like a jacket as that would have been an acceptable thing to be upset about in his bringing up.

Your dad sounds like a very unpleasant man.

@nonevernotever
It’s the exact same in Ireland, but I did not know how to word that. If my mother saw a huge gathering of people wearing black she would say this, or ‘wearing black is more of an English thing’ it would be a bit much to wear black to a funeral here unless you were direct family and then even all black in everyone would be unusual, I think too that in Ireland we had far less time to get an outfit together because the funeral would be the next day whereas in England you might have a week or two to get ready, maybe that has something to do with it too.

Unless money is tight, or your DH is an awkward size, it would be considered the norm to pick up a black suit for a close relative's funeral. Matalan/Asda etc are cheap enough. In another decade, this might fade. But for someone of your Dad's age, attending his Mother's funeral (your Mother is a big loss as any age), wearing formal attire is a sign of respect to both him and his Mum. The grief would have compounded his feelings, though.

As an aside I have never been to a funeral where smart dark clothes (meaning black suits for men) weren't the default and would be surprised to see jeans.

Yet another reason for me to be thankful I don't live in the UK. Where I live people care more about who attends the funeral than what they wear.

The important thing is that your dh attended the funeral. That is what matters. These days people who attend are often actually requested to wear normal or even cheerful clothes.

I wore a navy blue suit for my dad's funeral, people wore all sorts of smart clothing, and not very much black.

I grew up down the road from a crematorium. Believe me there is no such thing as 'typical' funeral attire.

Bikers funerals are amazing. All turn up on their bikes in procession, line the street as the hearse arrives, attend in their biker clothes and often have huge collections for a charity.

I think sending someone off in death should reflect how they were in life. You can be sad and emotional but wearing black shouldn't be the only indicator of that.

@Ponoka7

Unless money is tight, or your DH is an awkward size, it would be considered the norm to pick up a black suit for a close relative's funeral. Matalan/Asda etc are cheap enough. In another decade, this might fade. But for someone of your Dad's age, attending his Mother's funeral (your Mother is a big loss as any age), wearing formal attire is a sign of respect to both him and his Mum. The grief would have compounded his feelings, though.

I find it amazing...all these people who know what the norm is for funerals...and who think people should just go and buy a black suit to wear once...or should keep a funeral uniform in the wardrobe. can I ask any of them what they base their "norm" statement on please?

@gofg

As an aside I have never been to a funeral where smart dark clothes (meaning black suits for men) weren't the default and would be surprised to see jeans.

Yet another reason for me to be thankful I don't live in the UK. Where I live people care more about who attends the funeral than what they wear.

no they don't....at least the people who I know don't, its only the MN arbiters of behaviour group who think different.

@Ponoka7

Unless money is tight, or your DH is an awkward size, it would be considered the norm to pick up a black suit for a close relative's funeral. Matalan/Asda etc are cheap enough. In another decade, this might fade. But for someone of your Dad's age, attending his Mother's funeral (your Mother is a big loss as any age), wearing formal attire is a sign of respect to both him and his Mum. The grief would have compounded his feelings, though.

Absolute nonsense. Perhaps it’s the norm in your circle, but that does not mean it’s the norm at every funeral across the UK.

This has been picked up by the press. I saw it in "Birmingham Live" (via Apple News) this morning.

At DH's funeral the young people were really smart. Dh worked with a youth group and without exception the teens and young adults there had either dark suit, white shirt and black tie (male) or a dark longish dress or a shorter dress and dark tights (for women/girls, even though it was a really hot day).

I felt I might have got it wrong with my calf length navy dress and bare legs

The older people all wore traditional funeral gear too.

It was people DH's age (50s) who were scruffy in either inappropriate suits (green tweed?) or really quite casual.

It really doesn't matter though.

@Kite22 I sadly had to attend the funeral of one of my students a couple of years ago and all his mates were in suits. They looked smarter and more traditional than some of the older people.

He didn't do anything wrong at all.If he'd had worn the blue suit then that might have raised a few eyebrows but he didn't so just ignore.

Op I hope you push back, your dad is being disrespectful to your dh.

It's not on and I would not allow him to get away with it and I'd defend him.

Maybe there is regional variation? I do have a few things kept essentially for funerals, as I don’t wear black often in my normal life. All the church funerals I’ve been to have been pretty formal, the less traditional funerals have varied, a couple specified colours, or a favourite colour of the person who had died.
Family members tend to be the most formally dressed as some other people come from work and need to go straight back.
I have been to funerals of all classes and I haven’t noticed much class variation.

People are missing the point or not reading the OP fully. This is not about wearing black (which is usually reserved for immediate family). The OP’s father complained her husband did not wear a jacket!

@Dancingonmoonlight

People are missing the point or not reading the OP fully. This is not about wearing black (which is usually reserved for immediate family). The OP’s father complained her husband did not wear a jacket!

I would agree with him that it's odd not to wear a jacket at least for the service.

It's over though & saying something has achieved nothing.

My Mum died when my PFB was very young & we asked PILs to look after him for the service.

They took him out shopping for toys!

I suppose I thought that they would sit at the back & go out if necessary.

On reflection that probably wouldn't have worked, but it cut me that neither of them went to my mum's funeral.

It seemed to me that neither of them thought anything of her afterall.

I haven’t experienced the “usually reserved for immediate family” thing at all. Most people wore black or charcoal in the funerals I have attended, and I have been to maybe thirty odd funerals in the past few decades, men in suits or dark trousers and a dark jacket.
No shirt sleeves in church. But if this wasn’t a church service then perhaps a bit more relaxed ? Yes a jacket needs to be worn, just as for any other formal occasion, unless a relaxed dress code has been specified.
It is the last event the person will have, We all make an effort for every wedding, Christening etc, so I think it is important to do the same for funerals and memorial services and follow the code.
OPs Dad has just lost his Mum, and if he has been hurt by this then apologising for an accidental mistake made would smooth it over.

Thanks for all the comments. I really appreciate so many of you sharing your advice and sympathies. I think I need to just try and forget about this and move on.

So if it was so out of order why were other people in jumpers and trousers and the df didnt say anything about them

Your dad is unreasonable but perhaps the emotional aspect of the moment has caused him to say something he wouldn't usually
I wouldn't dwell on it
Your DH was dressed fine.
My FIL wore a shirt, trousers, tie and an awful anorak to his very formal and very posh mother's funeral. No one batted an eyelid.