Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

I have a funeral outfit. I've had it 10 years. A plain back dress, that's knee length.

Was bought for my Nan's funeral and worn to 2 more since. I'd never wear it for any other reason.

@Parker231

He was wearing a formal outfit - some people are so shallow. Wearing the full black formal suit ( who actually has one of these) doesn’t mean you are more respectful than someone wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.

Exactly, they're shallow.

My cousin went to her grandmother's funeral dressed as a punk as she always was. Her grief was as visible, valid and real as anyone else there and no-one batted an eyelid! It certainly wasn't disrespectful as the op's father would probably deem it to be.

I couldn't tell you what anyone wore at my dad's funeral. It was just lovely seeing people there supporting my mum

I think your dad is trying to find other things to get upset about aside from his mother's death. Perhaps as a distraction technique. Grieving does
strange things to people.

Personally, I didn't even realise that one had to wear black at all at a funeral in this day and age. Surely showing up is the most important thing!

I can’t bear all this angst over funeral clothes. I love Jewish funerals, just turn up in whatever you are wearing. So jeans and a puffa jacket are as acceptable as a suit. It may be because you often only get a couple of hours notice that it’s happening but it’s the turning up that counts not the outfit. Being dressed head to toe in black would be almost unheard of. I usually wear dark jeans and a shirt. My sister wore a maxi and trainers to my grandmas funeral and most of the great grandchildren wore their school uniform including one in PE kit as it as afternoon and they had been to school

We were at my lovely Uncle's funeral recently. His grandson (22) completely adored him and was devoted to his Grandad but has never owned a suit so was in chinos, a dark shirt and tie (which he borrowed from my DH as he didn't own a tie either). What you wear doesn't reflect how much you cared about someone.

I remember reading an article in a red top about Blake Whatsisface, Amy Winehouse's ex. He was photographed beside her headstone and the interview he gave was quite disrespectful. Clearly only doing it for the £. Amy's mum was asked to comment, all she could say was 'He wasn't wearing a hat'.

Grief really does do strange things to folk. I hope your own is manageable.

@Changethetoner

Maybe it's an age thing, (I'm in my 50s now), but most people I know have a funeral outfit. As in clothes suitable for funerals. So we aren't caught out if the occasion sadly arises. Do younger people not do this nowadays? Be prepared? Once you have it, you have it, and don't have to stress about what to wear. I always check the funeral notice, to see if there is any specific requirement - as in "bright colours may be worn", but if there isn't, and especially for an older person, the norm, to me , is to dress formally.

Really? I'm the same age and have sadly lost almost all my close relatives, but I certainly don't have a funeral outfit.

I think it's more like a difference of social background. I've noticed that, at working class funerals (including all DF's family) dress is much more formal than at middle class ones.

Wearing the full black formal suit ( who actually has one of these) doesn’t mean you are more respectful than someone wearing jeans and a sweatshirt

In your opinion. Which it seems is different from most on this thread.
Yes, there is disagreement as to whether what the OP's dh wore was appropriate or not, but overwhelmingly people have said jeans and a sweatshirt would not be.

In terms of "who has one" ..... people who have had to go to a funeral of someone close to them have one, and f you don't, you get one, and then you have one for when it is needed next time too.

@Changethetoner

You are wrong, the old husband was not dressed incorrectly. He wore black trousers and a tie, a jacket is not required

Ops not old

@MissMarpleRocks

It would be seen as disrespectful in my family & community for your dh to be dressed without a suit jacket. And yes it would be commented on to his face on the day most likely, especially as he was family. I’ve been to several funerals & I can count on one hand where men haven’t worn a black suit.

I go to a lot of funerals, and they’ve become very informal. The idea of a strict dress code has really died off.

My dad's a retired vicar and is very much against any of us wearing black to his funeral or any other family member's. It's the way you behave that shows what you thought about the person who died.

@Mumwithbaggage

My dad's a retired vicar and is very much against any of us wearing black to his funeral or any other family member's. It's the way you behave that shows what you thought about the person who died.

Well, it's to be hoped that people behave pretty much the same at a funeral, no matter what they're wearing.

How hard is it to understand that unless the funeral arrangements have stated wear what you want, that attire should be formal?

More so if you're a direct relation.

@ViciousJackdaw

Amy's mum was asked to comment, all she could say was 'He wasn't wearing a hat'

I expect what she meant was that he wasn’t wearing a “kippah” a skull cap. Amy had a Jewish funeral. The clothes he wore would have almost certainly been irrelevant to the family but not wearing a skull cap is considered extremely disrespectful

@Changethetoner

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally. Obviously it is not compulsory, but it is the norm. So yes, a suit jacket would be expected, along with a black tie. Especially for someone in the close family. (children or teenagers would be cut some slack, as in it would not be expected for a young teenager to own a suit). But I agree with your father, your husband was not properly dressed for the occasion.

Nonsense.

I've been to two funerals of elderly people in recent months, including my 87 year old Dad. In neither case were suits required. Some people wore them, some didn't. No definite pattern to who did or who didn't.

OP, your Dad is being utterly unreasonable and I would be telling him so. Tell him that you found DH's outfit perfectly appropriate and that you consider that he is talking utter bollocks when he tries to get you to believe that everyone else was commenting.

I'm Irish and in Ireland the family of the deceased wear full suits including jackets.
Wearing just a shirt would be looked at and commented on but in private.

I doubt many people spoke to your father about the missing jacket but your father was annoyed himself about it.

Strangely I remember being at a funeral myself where I wore a coat/jacket that was casual and not a black/grey and my own father was really annoyed about it and how it looked to other people ie reflected on our family.

It could be a generational thing.

I certainly wouldn't mention it to your husband.

Your dad was being very judgmental, and probably effected by grief.

Your hubby sounds like he looked very smart.

If there is a banging noise coming from the inside of my coffin at my funeral, it's because someone in the congregation is wearing a black shirt.

Maybe it's an age thing, (I'm in my 50s now), but most people I know have a funeral outfit. As in clothes suitable for funerals. So we aren't caught out if the occasion sadly arises. Do younger people not do this nowadays? Be prepared?
I'm 56 and I certainly haven't got a funeral outfit. My last funeral was last year and that was so's friend who was 21. Thedress code was ' your favourite outfit that you love to wear' which I thought was fabulous.

If an occasion happened that I needed an appropriate funeral outfit I'd nip out and buy something. You usually get at least a few day notice.

All our family have decided to do away with all this funeral shite.
I think it comes from two funerals during covid.
Pick the ashes up and bury them under a tree.
Job done.

I'm sorry for your loss .

Unless your dad has form for singling your husband out, I would put this down to the effects of grief at the loss of his mum. Grief can make people behave uncharacteristically - sometimes, people will fixate on small things as a sort of displacement activity, to vent their feelings of anger at the loss and to divert themselves from dwelling on the bereavement.

Of course there was nothing wrong with what your husband wore to the funeral - in the absence of expressed wishes such as 'no black clothing' anything reasonably sober and not intentionally scruffy is fine.

I hope you can all move on from this disagreement, as you progress through the stages of grieving.

Maybe it's an age thing, (I'm in my 50s now), but most people I know have a funeral outfit. As in clothes suitable for funerals. So we aren't caught out if the occasion sadly arises. Do younger people not do this nowadays? Be prepared?

I'm on my 40s and I also have clothes that are suitable funeral outfits.
I didn't buy them specifically for attending funerals but they are dark clothes that I've previously worn to funerals that I know look respectable and appropriate.
In Ireland, funerals are held a few days after the person has died and there certainly wouldn't be the time or inclination to go hurriedly clothes shopping.

@Chloemol Who made you judge and jury ?

That may be your opinion, but if you read the thread, opinion is divided.

Surely the best thing for all of us to do at a funeral is to respect the thinking of those nearest and dearest to the deceased. So, if you 99 yr old GRandma wants everyone to turn up in football shirts, or your 103 yr old Grandad wants people to wear bright colours, then great. But if the family of the deceased - be they 84, 39, or 24 - are expecting a more formal, or more traditional approach, then it is respectful for a man to wear a black (or dark) suit. Especially if you are a close family member. People 'less close' to the deceased are generally afforded more leeway.