Dad angry at husband’s funeral outfit

[Savvy99]

We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral. My husband has never had to wear a suit for work so he only has one suit in blue that he wears to weddings. For the funeral he wore black suit trousers, white shirt, black tie and black shoes. All ironed, shoes polished, etc. I thought he looked smart and respectful. It was a very warm day so no coat.

A couple of weeks later my dad said to me that he felt my husband was dressed inappropriately because he wasn’t wearing a full suit. He said it was highly disrespectful, that multiple people had commented on it, and the thing that upset me most; he said it showed that my husband hasn’t been brought up properly.

I was genuinely stunned. I haven’t told my husband as he would be mortified if he knew.

There we lots of men at the funeral wearing old ill-fitting suits, or jumpers and chinos, which to me looked a lot less smart.

Is no suit jacket at a funeral a big faux pas?

@Auroreforet

If its your df's dm he's projecting. It's not nice. When my fil died my dh told me I was just after his father's money. I put it down to grief but I still called him out on his unforgivable remark. Tell you df that you accept he's grieving but his remarks are hurtful and uncalled for.

Is he still your DH?!?

I think that it is just your Dad lashing out in grief. I don't think that I would say anything. Everyone grieves differently, or sometimes does/says out-of-character things: my DSis and I had a stupid argument over US politics the day after our mum died (we never argue/fall out about stuff)!!. I couldn't tell you what people wore to my parents' funerals. I didn't care what they wore, I was just very pleased that so many people could make it.

For me, I do have a smart tailored black dress that I have for funerals. I bought it when my Mum died suddenly. We had her funeral, an aunt's funeral and another relative's funeral in the same week (that was a bloody hideous week!)...so I was very glad to have a something smart to wear! I also wore it for my Dad's funeral and a friend's funeral. I've also worn it for job interviews/formal work stuff. The crap thing is that it's now too small for me (so I have to shift some weight to get back into it!!!). Before my Mum died, I wouldn't have thought to have a specific funeral outfit. Not a bad idea to have something ready to wear for funerals though!

I'm American, but I am mystified by your father's reaction

What you wear for a funeral has nothing to do with whether you are showing respect or not - to think so is very shallow.

My partner wore blue trousers and a pink shirt, no tie to his mothers funeral. He showed up, carried the coffin and was respectful. What he wore didn’t come in to it. Your dad is hurting and I find words are spoken without them thinking of what impact they have on others.

@OneMoreStitch

It's only a sign of a lack of respect to wear peacock blue to a funeral if the person wearing peacock blue deems it as such. Maybe it's a little strange to wear bright colours, unless it's specifically requested, but I'd never jump to "disrespectful", if the person was behaving respectfully.

Funerals are already so difficult! Why make them even worse with such rigid, unforgiving expectations and judgmental attitudes to something as inconsequential as the colour of one's clothes or whether or not a man wears a jacket on a hot day?

I disagree. It's a sign of disrespect when you know that it's not appropriate for the setting.

A funeral is to pay last respects to the person who has passed. Part of that is dressing appropriately for the occasion and taking into consideration any dress code given by the family and also thinking about how the person who has passed would have attended the funeral.

In both instances a peacock blue dress was highly inappropriate.

Do not repeat your fathers rudeness to your husband.

How very rude and disrespectful of your father.

I would tell your father quietly that you will give him a pass, just once, as he clearly mustn't be himself to be so bloody rude about your husband, but he won't see you for dust if he speaks about him so rudely again.

Rudeness like that needs niping in the bud sharply.

Your husband looked absolutely fine.

@BoredZelda

For a funeral of an older person, it is customary to dress pretty formally.

Well, that’s utter bullshit. This is not the 1940s.

What? So it’s “utter bullshit” then that the majority of people dress formally for a funeral? Whatever!

@SirChenjins

Thank you. She was an absolute jewel and is and will always be missed terribly, as is Dad. She and my (equally perfect) dad had a wonderful marriage.

@BoredZelda

Yes, I agree with Changethetoner that it is normal to have "something appropriate for a funeral" in your wardrobe as an adult.

Normal, eh? You have the stats to back that up?

I think it probably is for those who have already lost grandparents and other relatives and had the full, serious funeral experiences so know what can be expected, but for somebody who has had parents and grandparents living into their adulthood (or the grandparent died when they were children and they weren't allowed to go), it's not something that would necessarily occur to them beforehand. I've definitely got formal funeral appropriate clothing in the wardrobe, although that's also due to some work events and a hobby that involves a definite dress code at certain times of the year.

Whilst I'm at it, though, I think special mention should be made of how wonderful and sensitive the gents are who work in the M&S suit sections - they can tell when a man comes in looking sad, serious, distressed or completely lost, whether with a concerned looking partner or not, looking for a black suit and the way they switch to the calm, serious but reassuring manner to get the job done is very helpful. And as black suits start at £79, they're not that expensive as suits go (if that's too expensive, Primark do black suits for around £40).

Seems a bit OTT, but why not wear the blue suit (assuming navy), that is ok for a funeral

I really don't think the OH's husband would've looked better if he'd worn a black shirt, ffs. He'd have looked like a 90s cabaret magician.

I think your husband probably should have acquired a black suit jacket, tbh. There's no doubt it looks better, particularly at the funeral of an elderly family member: it's all very well people saying "My rock choir friend insisted we all wear our group t shirts and a purple mini skirt at her funeral" but clearly the 'bright colours' things wasn't what the OP's grandmother would've wanted. If it's not explicitly an informal dress code, then it's formal. But there's no way multiple people approached your dad about it, and - for a proudly middle-class man - he should know it was infra dig to comment on it.

He was wearing a formal outfit - some people are so shallow. Wearing the full black formal suit ( who actually has one of these) doesn’t mean you are more respectful than someone wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.

MY son-in-law has been to 2 funerals in the last yr both times he ware black trousers black shirt and black tie one funeral was his mother the other his father-in law( ex husband )

I think he should have worn a jacket of some kind. Not usual to go to a funeral in just a shirt and tie. But your dad was over the top with his criticism.

Yeah, he could have borrowed a jacket from Alan Partridge.

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjAss33_vfyAhURHcAKHaiqCbkQwqsBegQIBRAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DdMLwT1LXFAU&usg=AOvVaw2iU6ECGmFNCCVfhPJJPqrA

I don't believe that lots of people commented on his lack of suit jacket. I think your dad is grieving and it's making him behave badly. Hopefully he'll come around soon.

Who the fuck are all these people wearing black shirts to funerals? They can't all play professional snooker, surely?

Your dad’s an idiot

I think your DH's outfit sounds fine.

At my grandad's funeral a few years ago, it was the middle of winter and bitterly cold so we were all bundled up on the way to the service. My mother turned up in a very ostentatious fur coat and went around asking people if they liked it, telling them smugly that it was a gift and basically using the crematorium as a catwalk at her own father's funeral. It was fucking weird and inappropriate - way worse than not wearing a suit jacket!

This is bizarre... Funerals are obviously much more formal in the UK than in Ireland. In Ireland the majority of people go to several funerals a year. Black suits are not required unless immediate family. And a grandson in law wouldn't be expected to wear a full suit

I think people can be silly about clothes.

My father in law made a big unecessary fuss to DH and I about being appropriately dressed for his daughters christening. (As a teen DH was into grunge) by this point were in our early 20s and working, dh wore a suit I had a nice dress and jacket.

Imo we were the best dressed there. Fil looked a shower of white as did most others in ancient I'll fitting suits and mismatched jacket and trousers combos. Fil prided himself on still fitting in clothes from his youth, sadly it showed in his dated 70s styles

I'd be upset at your dad and would be telling himself even though he is grieving. Respect isn't about wearing a suit, it is about being there for family. He was smart and there for you, that's all that matters.

@FatLarrysBand

Who the fuck are all these people wearing black shirts to funerals? They can't all play professional snooker, surely?

Barmen? Club bouncers?

A jacket would have probably been better but your dad is being incredibly harsh towards your DH.

As an aside, my grandmother expressly forbade anyone to wear black at her funeral- she said she wanted a party for friends and family. I have to say it did feel much nicer than other funerals I’ve been to. Small children joined for the wake and it felt like a happy celebration of her life. I suspect my parents will do the same having seen hers.

Your husband sounds perfectly well dressed and your dad is being harsh and unkind but most likely just as a result from his grief. Though admittedly, I think my family would probably expect a suit to be worn - we’re quite traditional when it comes to this and I always remember being younger and having my grandfather go around with a lint remover and removing every speck of dust from the whole family before funerals to ensure we were as smart as possible. And I must admit I do cringe when I see jeans at a funeral but that says more about me than anyone else! I think unless your grandmother specifically said ‘I would like all men to wear full suits at my funeral’ then it’s unfair to expect everyone to be in suits. Most people I know have a funeral suit or in my case, a funeral coat and dress that I whip out for every morbid occasion (unfortunately have experienced a lot of loss) but luckily it sounds like your husband hasn’t and I think he’s perfectly smart in what he wore. Don’t tell him, it wouldn’t be nice. Sorry for your loss