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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend said my best friend is very pretty

198 replies

WildflowerWildfire · 11/09/2021 19:52

I was talking to my boyfriend about one of my best friends being upset because of her weight and not wanting to start dating due to it. I said something along the lines of her doing her best to lose the weight, but that regardless, she has a really great personality and she’s very pretty. My boyfriend then quickly agreed, “when I saw her at … I did notice that she does have a very pretty face”. He’s only met her once. But Jesus. Great to know that he’s thinking about my friends being pretty when I introduce him. Aibu?

OP posts:
CommanderBurnham · 12/09/2021 00:58

What a lovely thing for him to say.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 12/09/2021 01:04

Why were you talking to your boyfriend about your friend's feelings about her weight? Was that a conversation she'd have wanted you to share? I doubt it.

Your OP reads more as if you felt threatened by her prettiness when your boyfriend saw her, so had to draw his attention to her weight.

Could the issue lie with your own self-esteem? - it might help you feel better and not over-analyse these things if you can get to the root of why you feel like this.

scarpa · 12/09/2021 01:34

He's your boyfriend, he's not lost the use of his eyes, and he was being kind about your friend because you mentioned she was having a hard time.

Take a breath and step back from this, you're REALLY overreacting.

Livvielo · 12/09/2021 02:00

Bunny boiler alert Grin you sound a little dramatic

theThreeofWeevils · 12/09/2021 03:19

If he'd said 'Nah, she's a munter carved from lard' how would you have reacted? I get the impression that anything he said would have been the wrong thing; and that is not to do with her, or him, but with how you perceive and process things.

ZealAndArdour · 12/09/2021 04:02

You are being very fucking unreasonable.

Shamsa03 · 12/09/2021 05:01

@WildflowerWildfire

I was talking to my boyfriend about one of my best friends being upset because of her weight and not wanting to start dating due to it. I said something along the lines of her doing her best to lose the weight, but that regardless, she has a really great personality and she’s very pretty. My boyfriend then quickly agreed, “when I saw her at … I did notice that she does have a very pretty face”. He’s only met her once. But Jesus. Great to know that he’s thinking about my friends being pretty when I introduce him. Aibu?
ShockShock Are you for real?
Youarestillintherunning · 12/09/2021 05:50

Finding someone pretty, attractive, handsome etc is not the same as fancying them or wanting to be with them. You can objectively tell if someone is good looking! I do think you need to work on your self esteem op 🌻

blueskytoday06 · 12/09/2021 06:38

Hello OP
You've had a fair amount of bashing on this thread.
It is likely that your EUPD has skewed your interpretation of his response.
I think we need to turn this thread round and move it from the initial reason to offering you support.
Are you accessing help at the moment?
Thanks

Underamour · 12/09/2021 06:46

No, he’s being supportive. That’s probably his honest opinion which he normally would not voice. I can guarantee you he doesn’t fancy her because if he did, he wouldn’t risk telling you she’s pretty

Amijustagrump · 12/09/2021 07:14

We were talking about DPs friend yesterday and I said how fit he is- DP didnt even bat an eye and agreed he is Grin you can acknowledge people being pretty/hot/your type without going to have sex with them..

Lonelylooloo · 12/09/2021 07:33

Omg Grin I would not survive in a relationship with you OP!
My DH knows which of his friends I think are attractive and I know which of mine he thinks are too. Doesn’t matter one bit though because we are soulmates who don’t want anyone else (cringes) and we’ve got two kids, a house and a cat so we aren’t going anywhere!

In my experience insecurity is the biggest cause of jealousy.

MatildaIThink · 12/09/2021 07:41

@WildflowerWildfire

Wow. What lovely responses.

I’m not “very young” no. But I have EUPD which may skew my views on things. I just wanted opinions.

People will give you a response based on the information you provide. You asked on AIBU, you are BU, people have told you that, if you did not want that answer you should not have asked the question.

Your boyfriend's comment was entirely reasonable, if I mentioned about one of my friends being pretty and my husband agreed, or the other way around, it would not even be an issue, it is just a conversation.

BPD or not, you almost certainly knew this was unreasonable otherwise you would not have asked. If you are reacting in this way it would indicate your BPD is not being well managed, perhaps that might be something that would be worth investing in.

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2021 07:42

@SquirryTheSquirrel

Why were you talking to your boyfriend about your friend's feelings about her weight? Was that a conversation she'd have wanted you to share? I doubt it.

Your OP reads more as if you felt threatened by her prettiness when your boyfriend saw her, so had to draw his attention to her weight.

Could the issue lie with your own self-esteem? - it might help you feel better and not over-analyse these things if you can get to the root of why you feel like this.

Yeah I was thinking that. Some women indulge in a bit of this when they are jealous. They talk about the woman like they are being nice and concerned when in reality they are just nastily pointing out their faults as a way to put them down and ensure their partner doesn’t fancy them
Penistoe · 12/09/2021 07:44

I suppose you wanted him to say how fat she looked and comment on her weight- like you did. He was more respectful than you.

PurpleOkapi · 12/09/2021 08:23

FFS. You said she was pretty, and you're upset that he agreed with you? Grow up and stop playing games.

MarylinMonrue · 12/09/2021 09:00

Hey OP, fellow BPD-er here!

In the nicest possible way, yes this is unreasonable, and it sounds like maybe things aren't being very well managed at the mo. Are you accessing or able to access greater support for the more intrusive thoughts/paranoia symptoms? I think everyone has been struggling recently due to the general horrifying uncertainty of the world, and I know many fellow sufferers of all kinds of mental illnesses who are having an especially rough time managing symptoms right now.

Please do chat to someone. It is unfair to your BF and as you know will also be exceptionally damaging to you too to continue to react this way. I do appreciate how hard it is.

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 09:23

@WildflowerWildfire

Wow. What lovely responses.

I’m not “very young” no. But I have EUPD which may skew my views on things. I just wanted opinions.

And you got it. Sorry not what you wanted.

I have read your other threads.

Op - you have serious issues regarding your partner.

However, your priority needs to be your very young daughter.

Forget all this and focus on what is important. Your daughter

Blindleadingtheblind · 12/09/2021 12:28

OP, is this the same guy you broke up with a while back? The one you said you are worried he watches porn behind your back?

I think you sound very insecure and needy. You should look into counselling maybe and be single for a while til you get straight again.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/09/2021 12:34

I hear you OP. He crossed a little boundary. Openly admiring the physical attractiveness of your partner’s friends needs to be handled with a touch more care.

It was fine for him to say that (and was in context) but it would have been nice for him to follow up with “…not a patch on you, of course!” Or something along those lines.

Does he make you feel insecure in other ways?

PinkiOcelot · 12/09/2021 12:40

Should he just look at the ground every time you’re out with? Not even say hello to someone he knows or his forbid, smile at a barmaid?!

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/09/2021 12:42

He agreed with your opinion, what’s the problem?

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/09/2021 12:45

AtrociousCircumstance

I hear you OP. He crossed a little boundary. Openly admiring the physical attractiveness of your partner’s friends needs to be handled with a touch more care.

It was fine for him to say that (and was in context) but it would have been nice for him to follow up with “…not a patch on you, of course!” Or something along those lines.

Does he make you feel insecure in other ways?“

What rubbish!
He should potentially lie just to pander to his partner’s jealousy?

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/09/2021 12:48

No, didn’t you read my post? 🤣

PinkiOcelot · 12/09/2021 12:51

@AtrociousCircumstance what a load of crap. No he shouldn’t have said that at all.