To wish I’d had my kids earlier?

[40220s]

My mum was 35 when she had me. She died when I was 16, and I had my first baby at 40. My dad died when I was 30.

One of my friends at school got pregnant at university and I remember my dad making some comment about being glad it wasn’t me. But I look at her now and it got me thinking. If I’d had my first baby at 20 and my mum had me at 20 … maybe there’s something in doing it that way, as you’re more likely to have extensive support from family.

Does anyone else think that this might be a ‘better’ way than the middle class approved route of kids in your 30s?

I voted YANBU because it's natural to wonder about such things, especially as your mum died when you were so young. But really, there are pros and cons to every timeline. I had DS when I was 29 which was very young for my group of friends and I'm pleased I did, but it came at a cost to my career. I don't think there's a single "right" way of doing it, and of course you don't necessarily get to choose anyway.

I wish I had had my 1 younger so I had had time for more.

we're discussing it here

Eh, it is what it is. It took me twenty years to conceive anyway

I voted yanbu.

But for mixed reasons. I had my first youngish (20) and second at 28.

At almost 40, I am really enjoying having older kids/ young adults. I am really glad I did it the way I did.

However, it doesn't suit everyone. My brother and his wife had them older and wouldn't change it for the world.

But I also think yanbu, because you lost your parents so young. So it's entirely understandable you feel this way. I am lucky enough, that if I had my kids now they would meet both my parents.

The thing is, we can't change it. If I regretted it now, it wouldn't change anything. Life has been very unfair to you and I think even if you kids had met your parents, even briefly, you would still be feeling similar.

I am so sorry for your losses. ❤

yabu imo. I had my first at 23 and I feel like I never really experienced adulthood without children in tow. My dh is older and talks about child free holidays, trips and lazy weekends sleeping and watching TV in his own house etc I'm very jealous as I was straight out of education then pregnant and i had only just left home. Obviously that was my choice and I'm talking with hindsight.

However yanbu because you lost your parents young so its understandable to feel the way you do. I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree with @Brian9600 I think your specific circumstances have a lot to do with your thinking. You lost both parents very young which must be very difficult, I couldn't imagine.

I had my first child last year at 35 and am now pregnant again with my second who will be born when I'm 37.

I didn't meet my now DH until I was almost 31, married at 33. Until I met him, I was on the fence as to whether I wanted children or not. Up until that point I had led a full and happy life (uni, travelling, etc.) and wasn't in a rush to change that. However, I met my husband and my life took a new direction.

I don't regret not having kids earlier in life as it would have meant missing out on the experiences I've had and those experiences have helped shape me into the person I am today.

I understand the 'what if' feeling regarding having more time with your parents/children but I believe (as cliche as it sounds) everything happens for a reason and what's for you won't go past you x

If you have your kids at 20 then you have hope of having a life after they’ve grown up. You have a future to look forward to. You won’t even be 40 when they leave home. However if you have your kids at 40 you have a constant sinking sensation that this is it for you, you’ll be an old person of 60 when they leave home and you have no future.

@TomatoSquash

If you have your kids at 20 then you have hope of having a life after they’ve grown up. You have a future to look forward to. You won’t even be 40 when they leave home. However if you have your kids at 40 you have a constant sinking sensation that this is it for you, you’ll be an old person of 60 when they leave home and you have no future.

Plenty of 60 year olds would be enormously insulted by that.

I had my first at just turned 25, and although I am glad now, it wasn’t much fun at the time. No family support as my parents were of the view that they didn’t want or need to help in any way (fair enough I suppose but not very kind when I was struggling). None of my friends had kids and in fact were just starting out in fun careers and a great social life following uni whereas I was with a baby. It was quite isolating to be honest! I definitely felt like I had missed out on being ‘young’.

I wouldn’t change it now, but being a young mum isn’t without issues.

Plenty of 60 year olds would be enormously insulted by that
Well put it this way: You have to sacrifice yourself for 20 years to raise kids. By the time they leave home and I’m free I’ll be 60 and it’ll be too late to leave DH and find someone to fall in love with. But if I’d had them at 20 I could leave DH at 40 and still be young enough to find someone else.

@40220s I had my daughter at 19, my mum had me at 19, I'm now 28 (had a second child at 21).

I'm so glad I did! I was almost getting my life back but I'm currently pregnant again 🤣

I think given your circumstances YANBU but I found adulthood without children in tow wonderful. The simple joy of pleasing yourself. I wouldn’t recommend children to those in their early twenties, for me it was a time to explore and enjoy. However everyone is different and I’m sure many parents in their 20s find just as much joy in their children. It was right for me to wait until my 30s and even then it’s been hard to lose the life I loved.

@TomatoSquash

If you have your kids at 20 then you have hope of having a life after they’ve grown up. You have a future to look forward to. You won’t even be 40 when they leave home. However if you have your kids at 40 you have a constant sinking sensation that this is it for you, you’ll be an old person of 60 when they leave home and you have no future.

It depends I suppose. I quite like mine.

I had my son at 22. Completely unplanned, very much the wrong time, BUT, I have a teen at 36 and I feel I am young enough to get my life back while he gains independence. I also feel like I am a lot closer to him due to my age. I really struggled financially when I had him because I didn't have much of an established career and I certainly didn't have more family help, but there's a lot to be said for having a child young. It's tough though trying to build a career while having a toddler and I was a single parent. It takes a lot of grit and determination, but at least I had the energy!
We can't have another child, and to be honest the thought of starting again now fills me with dread anyway.

My parents died when I was 12, so they’d never have been involved in me having kids. It was a random accident; so it could have happened at any point.

I don’t think you can rely on anyone being around long enough for it to swing it dramatically towards being a younger parent… I’m 26 weeks pregnant at 31, but glad I waited until now, as my finances and career are stable. DHs parents would have been younger if I’d been younger, but my career would have been much more impacted by choosing to have a baby… and they’d only be say 10 years younger, so not massively.

@TomatoSquash

If you have your kids at 20 then you have hope of having a life after they’ve grown up. You have a future to look forward to. You won’t even be 40 when they leave home. However if you have your kids at 40 you have a constant sinking sensation that this is it for you, you’ll be an old person of 60 when they leave home and you have no future.

Speak for yourself! I don't agree at all (as an older parent).

Op's Mum died when she was 51. That's very unusual and nothing can prepare you for that.

I’m sorry your parents died when you were young. But try to see some positives. Many people who have children young can find it v hard financially and having to juggle school/uni with caring for a baby. They may have found it harder to make some career choices or travel.

It does come with positives as well as the struggles I’m sure though. We can’t predict everything that happens in our life, and I think the healthiest way is to be grateful for the positives.

Well I had mine at 31 & 33, I waited despite being with DH for years but I wanted to do similar timeframe to my friends & my parents had retired by then so very hands on.

I think the only right time is the one that works for you

I had my only child at 31. My mum died 2 years later aged 59. My dad died when I was 46 so my daughter was 2 & 13 when she lost both grandparents so in that respect, I wish I'd had my child earlier. However, I was very career focused and travelled and enjoyed my 20's.

You lost both parents young OP, especially losing your mum at only 16 so I can understand why you feel the way you do.

I had my eldest at 19 and yes there was loads of support and babysitting from my dparents but not during work hours as they themselves were still working (mid fifty’s). I’m glad I had my family young though, and they’ve managed to have a good relationship with not only my parents but also my Nan. I hope I’m young enough to have a great relationship with my grandchildren as well.
The sacrifice is money though, and creature comforts - large owned house, nice cars, foreign holidays etc - it’s unlikely you have those if you start a family very young.

I had my first son at 16, he’s 27 now. I then had 2 more kids at 27 & 31. It was actually easier for me when I was 16, I had more support. I don’t regret for a minute having my son young. We are the best of friends

@TomatoSquash

If you have your kids at 20 then you have hope of having a life after they’ve grown up. You have a future to look forward to. You won’t even be 40 when they leave home. However if you have your kids at 40 you have a constant sinking sensation that this is it for you, you’ll be an old person of 60 when they leave home and you have no future.

Yeah, no. I had my one and only at 40. And I'm absolutely thrilled that I didn't have children in my 20s and 30s. I've no 'sinking sensation' about anything. I've got all the time, money and patience in the world. 60 is only 14 years away for me. Only 8 for my dh. We're by no means anywhere near being old people. I'd rather be dealing with/taxiing around my teenager in my late 50s than give up what was my 20s and 30s to do it, for sure.

I wish I’d started sooner, then maybe I’d have been able to have another. I could have done it in my early 30s quite easily (except I was waiting for my husband to propose!)

I had ds when I was 18 and don't regret it for a moment. The way society treated me has left emotional scars though. Then nothing for years except miscarriages. I resigned myself to only having one child then on my 30th birthday the line turned blue. I wish my dd came earlier as I personally found being a young mum much easier than when I was in my 30s. Having a baby in my 30s hit me like a tonne of bricks and I remember worrying about money, work, childcare etc. Whereas at 18 I didn't worry and took it all in my stride.