To wish I’d had my kids earlier?

[40220s]

My mum was 35 when she had me. She died when I was 16, and I had my first baby at 40. My dad died when I was 30.

One of my friends at school got pregnant at university and I remember my dad making some comment about being glad it wasn’t me. But I look at her now and it got me thinking. If I’d had my first baby at 20 and my mum had me at 20 … maybe there’s something in doing it that way, as you’re more likely to have extensive support from family.

Does anyone else think that this might be a ‘better’ way than the middle class approved route of kids in your 30s?

You ok hon ?

SO hilarious and original!

I had my first one at 32 and second one at 38 and I really really wish I had them earlier but no way at 20.. I was busy with college then planning my career and wasn't planning or ready for a family or kids at that age... But maybe 25-27 would have been better..

@user908768543

You ok hon ?

SO hilarious and original!

I think the ‘trend’ of older motherhood isn’t good for society in terms of women’s rights and quality of life.

I think the trend now is no kids tbh

I’m always confused about threads like these. The poster seems to focus on one specific benefit of having kids young and dies not actually cross examine there own life to see if that would be a good decision.

At 20, I had not finished uni, had no money and was a mess. I would feel deeply sorry to any child born to 20 year old me. I would never had had the career I have if I had kids then not the experiences. Not that that would be all and as I would have had different experiences but I am sure people on here don’t need to be educated about the obvious difference in employment, wealth etc between those who have children young versus older. Of course there are outliers but in general building your career when young does equal better financial outcomes. For some people that is not important and fair enough but I do actually think rationally that I would definitely not have been happy to have kids so young. I also have read many comments on here about those who had kids younger and regretted it and wished they’d built a career, travelled etc. The grass is always greener.

Had mine very young now 44 with a 24year old. Glad I did as I became infertile in my 20's so never had the chance to have any more. Have no regrets money was tight for a few years but I had boundless energy and have a great life now doting on nieces and nephews and a good career.

@Realyorkshiretea I would have to disagree. Childcare burden always falls on women and I don’t think a return to the 50’s were women had children younger. Even on Mumsnet it’s well reported how women’s lives shrink with children. They are limited in career and in ability to be spontaneous because they need to divide a stable home for a child. I am happy with the trend of women having children later. Women deserve a fun and children 20’s and 30’s if they want it. I don’t think it’s a con at all. At least not for me.

@Realyorkshiretea
Thank you for your kind words. I'm ok, Dd2 keeps me busy.

@TomatoSquash

Plenty of 60 year olds would be enormously insulted by that Well put it this way: You have to sacrifice yourself for 20 years to raise kids. By the time they leave home and I’m free I’ll be 60 and it’ll be too late to leave DH and find someone to fall in love with. But if I’d had them at 20 I could leave DH at 40 and still be young enough to find someone else.

Nonsense. My mum is 66 and has just met and moved in with the love of her life.

[quote ithinkilikeit]@Realyorkshiretea I would have to disagree. Childcare burden always falls on women and I don’t think a return to the 50’s were women had children younger. Even on Mumsnet it’s well reported how women’s lives shrink with children. They are limited in career and in ability to be spontaneous because they need to divide a stable home for a child. I am happy with the trend of women having children later. Women deserve a fun and children 20’s and 30’s if they want it. I don’t think it’s a con at all. At least not for me.[/quote]
But if having children is seen as such a drag, why do it at all, even later?

I don’t see it as returning to the 50s, I see it as subtley encouraging women to do what is riskier for their health to enable men to delay commitment, and prop up the economy.

@ithinkilikeit you simply don't know what kind of mother you'd have been at 20, just as I don't know what kind of new mum I would have been if I'd waited at 30. I find women here are so quick to say they'd have been awful it would have been shit for the kids etc etc (quite ignorant to how that sounds to younger mums), but honestly when you're actually in the situation you do the best you can and if you're an ambitious woman then you would make it work. If you're the kind of woman who went to uni, made a career, waited for kids, then I bet you wouldn't be the kind of woman to have given up on all ambitions if you fell accidentally pregnant at 20 nor be a shit mum. I am a brilliant mum, I am ambitious, conscientious, financially stable and my kids are happy living a life I'd have been very happy with as a child, I'm not an outlier, I'm not supermum, I'm just a woman who fell pregnant younger than ideal and I bet many of the older mums here would have been very similar if they were given the same deck of cards and chose to proceed. But we'll never know, so please don't patronise younger mums with these assumptions.

*not subtley obviously! Bedtime for me I think 😵‍💫

I think there are some benefits to being a younger parent and some to being an older parent.

However there are no guarantees in this life. My dad had me when he was 20 years old, he died at 31 from cancer so I lost a parent at 10 years old. Having younger parents didn’t stop me losing a parent at a young age.

I think it’s all fine, whether you become a mum (or dad) at 21 or 41. People have such strong opinions about old parents, young parents, single child families, large families, working mothers, stay at home mothers, lone parents, step mothers, childfree people etc etc and it’s nearly always women being judged. As long as you have the finances, health and emotional tolerance to meet your child(ren)‘s needs then just make the decision that’s right for you (and any partner), there’s pros and cons to all the options. There isn’t a best way to do things that fits everyone, we’re all different.

I had mine younger than my friends, I had my last before most had had their first. I do think I would find it harder going if I was just starting now, just in terms of energy, but I also wonder if that’s because they’ve worn me out! I also really appreciate the relationship as they get older, they’re good company. But, I never had the chance to be broody. I am only just experiencing finding babies inexplicably cute and appealing, and I definitely couldn’t/wouldn’t be able to have one now!

I'm 33, I've not had kids yet, I just really hope to be able to have a baby (or ideally 2) in the next 7ish years but I would have to meet the right guy first. You are lucky you have kids whether you're older/younger when you have them.

I think losing your parents so young must have been awful so I can see why you think it might have been better if your Mum had had you earlier but then you wouldn't be you (with the way things change based on time/situation (a butterfly's flaps its wings!) etc. resulting in a different embryo) if she'd had a baby younger!

yanbu for your feelings. This sounds like a very emotional and personal moment for you, what an awful thing to go through so young - you have my deepest sympathies

I had my children very early - 18 and 20 - and while I can tell you there are pros and cons to all walks of life, the only ones you'll be thinking of are the pros you couldn't experience. I think that's fine, natural even, and the best thing you can do is make peace with this. Is counselling an option?

[quote Southwestrunningmum]@TomatoSquash but then in your 20s your unlikely to have had a career. Pros and cons and I think you’ve offended most 69 year olds[/quote]
This. Everyone I know who had kids in their 20s has no career. They literally all work in low paid, insecure positions and industries. Honestly I think having kids so young is pretty daft and short sighted.

I had my two eldest at twenty two and just twenty six.
My dad died nine months after my second child was born and I'm so happy that he got to meet them, he was such a lovely grandy and my eldest remembers him fondly.

But you know OP, we do what we think is best at the time and I'm sure you had a lovely and carefree youth, which you don't experience when you are a mother at twenty two.

Gosh, if I'd had babies in my early 20s, it would have: a. been with the wrong man; b. derailed my career; and c. preventing me from figuring out who I was as a person before I became a mother.

Instead, I have a husband I love, trust, and respect; a career that is financially and personally satisfying; and a real sense of who I am, what I value, and what I can handle. None of which I had at 28 let alone 22.

There are lots of good reasons to have a baby early. But personally, I'm very glad I didn't.

@Tomatosquash.
Wow.
I had my dd two months before I was 18. I had no clue what I was doing and life was very difficult because of all sorts of factors.
My DF died when I was almost 26 and he and my dd had formed a wonderful bond and even now I am so glad that I had her when I did and they were able to be so close.
My DM had her eldest child when she was 21. She was only allowed to visit relatives or take me on trips in school holidays when I was young. My DM was in her late 50s when my DF died.
She learned to swim, she took many trips all over world America, Austria, Holland, many others, she got lost a lot but didn't care, she had loads of fun. She learned line dancing and joined a tai chi class.

From 58ish she had a fabulous time and didn't regret a second.

This. Everyone I know who had kids in their 20s has no career. They literally all work in low paid, insecure positions and industries. Honestly I think having kids so young is pretty daft and short sighted.

I think that's very class dependent.
The MC women I know who had children in their twenties all have decent professional careers.

This. Everyone I know who had kids in their 20s has no career. They literally all work in low paid, insecure positions and industries. Honestly I think having kids so young is pretty daft and short sighted.

It sounds like you have a very limited circle, perhaps the problem isn't young mums but your small world? Ironic that you are slamming a whole demographic with your snobbery, and yet your stupidity knows no bounds, heard of irony? Let me introduce myself, senior leader by 33, programme managing multi million pound projects and signing off on decisions that have a national impact, oh and a mother at 22. Nice to meet you, now you don't have to repeat that moronic comment ever again.

[quote user908768543]@ithinkilikeit you simply don't know what kind of mother you'd have been at 20, just as I don't know what kind of new mum I would have been if I'd waited at 30. I find women here are so quick to say they'd have been awful it would have been shit for the kids etc etc (quite ignorant to how that sounds to younger mums), but honestly when you're actually in the situation you do the best you can and if you're an ambitious woman then you would make it work. If you're the kind of woman who went to uni, made a career, waited for kids, then I bet you wouldn't be the kind of woman to have given up on all ambitions if you fell accidentally pregnant at 20 nor be a shit mum. I am a brilliant mum, I am ambitious, conscientious, financially stable and my kids are happy living a life I'd have been very happy with as a child, I'm not an outlier, I'm not supermum, I'm just a woman who fell pregnant younger than ideal and I bet many of the older mums here would have been very similar if they were given the same deck of cards and chose to proceed. But we'll never know, so please don't patronise younger mums with these assumptions.[/quote]
It’s fairly clear it would have interrupted, if not ended, her studies and that she and the baby risked being extremely poor, regardless of ‘what kind of mother’ she would have been at 20. She also says she was ‘a mess’ and didn’t want a baby.

@user908768543 I am not patronising anyone. I simply was saying I would have been a horrible mother at 20 and that is the truth. I would not have been able to emotionally, physically or financially handle children and would not have been able to give them a good upbringing. The only person I can speak for is myself . I am not judging anyone nor making anyone feel bad. I was simply asking the OP to look at their own situation at that age and actually contemplate if they would have been able to be a good mother at that age before they say they wish they had had children then.