To wish I’d had my kids earlier?

[40220s]

My mum was 35 when she had me. She died when I was 16, and I had my first baby at 40. My dad died when I was 30.

One of my friends at school got pregnant at university and I remember my dad making some comment about being glad it wasn’t me. But I look at her now and it got me thinking. If I’d had my first baby at 20 and my mum had me at 20 … maybe there’s something in doing it that way, as you’re more likely to have extensive support from family.

Does anyone else think that this might be a ‘better’ way than the middle class approved route of kids in your 30s?

* I completely agree. I had mine at 21. By the time I was 40, active parenting was done and dusted. I had all that travel, childfree holidays and stuff in my 40s with the added bonus of much more money to enjoy it than I’d have had in my 20s. I have zero regrets.*

The class issue also applies. Poorer / less educated people are more likely to have kids young but also more likely to start having health issues / die young. The people who tend to live past 85 are the middle class / wealthy lot (in some wealthy areas the average life expectancy for wealthier people is 85-89!!) so this idea that these mothers will die when their kids are young is incorrect.

Sorry, had to lol at TomatoSquash comment..sounds like you’re just waiting to leave dh

To the op I think it goes both ways. Not unreasonable to feel how you do given your situation.

I had mine in my early 30’s and think if I’d started a little earlier I may have had a third plus I’ll be younger when I’m done raising them so could then maybe enjoy more when they’ve left home.

On the other hand I spent my 20’s finishing uni, travelling, getting to know dh and establishing my career…that means I’m quite happy to immerse myself in family life, done with clubbing etc and financially stable. If they leave home around 20 then I’ll be around mid-50’s which right now doesn’t seem too old so hopefully can still enjoy my hobbies then!

A midwife once told me that our bodies are better off having babies young, around 16, as we recover better. Sitting here with my big fat belly at 41 (my youngest is 2), I think she may have had a point

But its swings and roundabouts, isn't it? Same thing doesn't suit all

Kim, during lockdown 2 I learned that I am going to be a grandmother at 40! That's a lot to take in and process lol.

The twists and turns of life take us all on individual paths. Have comfort that we all made choices for our lives at times that suited us. There's no right or wrong way in life.

I would say if you see a mum of any age smile, maybe offer a hand because being a mum is the hardest job in the world.

Look at it this way, you might not exist if your mum had had kids younger and your kids wouldn’t be the same kids you have now if you had started younger, so there’s that.

I had my children young, early 20s. At the time it was very scary, lots we hadn't sorted, lots of unknowns, a lot of winging it. But now in my 30s with hindsight I can appreciate the pros, I was young and naive which meant I didn't over think things, my body was unscathed, very much took it all in my stride and took on so many responsibilities my colleagues in their 30s were shocked at what I was managing, I didn't know any different. Life has just gotten easier by having so much pressure on me so young. If I'd become a parent now I think I would have been much more anxious and over the top, being maturer, knowing more, over thinking things more, but I'd have been a heck of a lot more financially stable which would have brought a lot of benefits too! I'd have enjoyed those early years more as I wouldn't have been juggling babies and career development.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't believe there's a perfect age, there is always a compromise, there are pros and cons whatever age, I have no regrets, and you shouldn't either OP- it's done now!

@Ihaveaskedyouthrice

As the posts here have shown having kids young is no guarantee of anything. My mum had me at 41, I'm now 42 and she's 83. I had my children at 32, 35 and 37. My mum is in excellent health and is an amazing Nana to my kids. At times I do wish I'd had my kids earlier. I met DH when I was 23 so could have but then I think back to our 20s and we had an absolute ball so I could never regret that.

Yes. The only active grandparent in my family is one who was 80 when his first grandchild was born - he’s 90 now and still able to get on the floor with them to play. My 60+ year old parents who had all their kids before 33 were permanently disabled by their 40s. Class issue. He was a lot wealthier than the rest.

I can only comment on my own situation, but I had dd at 25 and that was a good age for me personally. I got to experience and travel in my early adulthood, and now I get to have the fun that comes with my child, and then I'll get a bit more "freedom" in my 40's. However it's so different for everybody. Some people thrive having children when they're younger, some thrive having them in their mid-late 30's.

@Ozanj that’s if you compare older mums with the other end of the spectrum which is teen mums in very deprived areas. Nobody is advocating for that. You’re not taking into consideration the mums in their late 20s and early 30s, which is probably optimum when balancing age with other factors.

In other countries, such as Iceland, it is the cultural norm and healthy to have kids early - early to mid 20s

Average age for having your first child in Iceland is 28.

I do wonder if society is doing women a bit of a disservice by making older motherhood seem like the best option, and selling a myth that you can only travel/have fun/climb the career ladder in your 20s and 30s.
To be fair, you’re absolutely screwed if you aren’t in a well paid professional job before you get pregnant. You won’t get decent maternity pay. You won’t be able to come back on flexible hours unless you’re valuable to your employer. In fact if you’re not valuable then there’s a good chance your employer will try to get rid of you completely and not honour your maternity leave. Whereas if you’re high on the career ladder then not only will your employer be more accommodating, it’s also likely that you can afford to drop to part time hours for childcare reasons and still earn a good salary. For example if you’re on 60k you can drop to part time and still earn 30k. Whereas if you’re on 16k you probably can’t afford to drop any hours.

You’re quite determined to make sure we all know that those of us who are working class can’t measure up to you wealthier immortals aren’t you @Ozanj you’ve mentioned it a few times in the last few days.

I don’t know.

I’m 35 and my Grandma isn’t even 80 yet, she married my Grandad then had my Dad a few months later, she was almost 17. He had me when he was 24. I was 21 when I had my eldest and she’s now 13 and has the most incredible relationship with her Great Grandmother, just like I did with mine (I was 27 when she died) (my other DDs are 11 and 6).

My Grandparents are wealthy and have been since before I was born, but they were poor as fuck for the first 5 years of my Dads life, however they owned their home. My Dad is comfortable but not enough to give out 10s of thousands to me and my brother for house deposits. I’m on the bare bones of my arse and give up on ever owning a home.

Swings and roundabouts.

I completely agree. I had mine at 21. By the time I was 40, active parenting was done and dusted. I had all that travel, childfree holidays and stuff in my 40s with the added bonus of much more money to enjoy it than I’d have had in my 20s. I have zero regrets.

Being able to do all those things in your 40s does sound great, but you have to juggle it with work and other general life-related responsibilities (servicing a mortgage, home, etc). And then it’s just you and your DH, or you and a group of girlfriend going on the odd holiday here and there.

I did all that in my 20s, when I was surrounded by other carefree, responsibility-free 20-somethings, and it was a fun, whirlwind decade of seeing the world, making friends, flatting, going out and having good times.

I then got with DH on the eve of turning 30.

I definitely think there are pros and cons to both having kids early, and doing it later.

But, for me, it essentially comes down to being with the right man - someone you love and like, who has your back, and enables you both to be in a good place to raise your DC to the best of your joint abilities.

And that’s something that doesn’t happen within a set time period.

I had DD when I was 28 and DS when I was 30. Most of our friends thought DH and I were too young to be having children (DD was born 2 years after we finished our PhDs). The same friends are now jealous that we’re well beyond the childcare stage in our mid-40s.

Interestingly the age of having the 1st child is reasonably stable across 3 generations in my family. My grandmother was 28, and my mum was 27.

Totally get what your saying but you could have a baby at 18 and then get hit by a bus at 20 or you could have a baby at 42 and live until 92

Everything happens at a certain time and for a reason 😊

@KatharinaRosalie

In other countries, such as Iceland, it is the cultural norm and healthy to have kids early - early to mid 20s

Average age for having your first child in Iceland is 28.

www.statista.com/statistics/1050628/iceland-first-births-by-age-of-mother/

Found this! The internet is a wonderful thing isn’t it? Yes that’s the mean age, but first time mums rise sharply from 23 - more 23 years old had babies in Iceland in 2020, than any other age past 31. So the normal seems to be 20s, and drops off after that.

Everything happens at a certain time and for a reason

Yes I'm sure this gives the OP great comfort following her mother's premature death read the room.

There is a lot of generalizations and massive sweeping statements on here about having children young. Like I mentioned above I was 18 and can honestly say that I didn't find any issues with money, work etc or life balance. I completely understand that there will be young mums who do face theses issues but at the same time there are a lot of older mums who face these issues also.

I'm happy being an older mum. I've recently had my second at 43.

I had an amazing time in my 20s. Travelling, making loads of friends, trying out different jobs. I met my DH aged 26 and there was no way we wanted kids for a while, as we had no financial stability at all and we were living in a tiny flat.

It was 10 years until we had dd.

Emotionally I was ready before that, but I'm glad we waited as both our careers were in better places, and we bought a flat.

Ideally I would have had another a couple of years later, but it would have put us in a financially precarious situation. It was 5 years until we felt it was the right time both financially and in terms of my job, to ttc. There is a 6 year age gap.

My mum is dead, but I wasn't close to her anyway. My dad is still alive and in his 80s. Due to health problems, he isn't able to help out with my kids, but if he was younger/healthier, he wouldn't have helped anyway.

To be fair, you’re absolutely screwed if you aren’t in a well paid professional job before you get pregnant. You won’t get decent maternity pay. You won’t be able to come back on flexible hours unless you’re valuable to your employer. In fact if you’re not valuable then there’s a good chance your employer will try to get rid of you completely and not honour your maternity leave.

Being a young working class mother actually hugely benefitted me, though the faux liberal middle class wouldnt approve. Whilst my friends in their 30s/40s juggle childcare and mortgages, I got most of my childcare funded until I was qualified by which time my kids were in school. I was never not valued or "gotten rid" of just because I was on a lower rung of the ladder, quite the opposite, I always felt very highly regarded at work with people aware of all I was managing, and well.

Lots of generalisations being made here.

So the normal seems to be 20s, and drops off after that.

More people had children in their late 20s than in their early 20s. I wouldn't say Iceland is drastically different compared to UK. Average age for having first children is close to 30 in all Scandinavian countries.

My parents had me at 18 and 20 but me and my sister were left most of our childhood with grandparents for Fridays and Saturday nights. My dad spent half his life in the pub with his mates. I personally think you should experience life and when you are ready to settle down then start but knowing some of the sacrifices you need to make on your own time. For some they will be ready earlier than others and for some they wont.

@KatharinaRosalie I didn’t say all Scandinavian countries though I said Iceland

Yes more people had children at 28 than 23, but equally more people had children at 23 than at 32+. A trend which isn’t replicated here - more women have children in the 35-39 age bracket than in 20-24.

I had mine at 39 and 41. I felt it was too soon ( I was the eternal Peter Pan); I could never have had them earlier. Now heading towards 60 and feel like a forty year old. They have kept us young, we don’t sweat the small stuff that younger parents do ( ours is the party house), and now they’re off to Uni in a different country, we are looking forward to a new chapter. I wouldn’t have done it any other way.