To wish I’d had my kids earlier?

[40220s]

My mum was 35 when she had me. She died when I was 16, and I had my first baby at 40. My dad died when I was 30.

One of my friends at school got pregnant at university and I remember my dad making some comment about being glad it wasn’t me. But I look at her now and it got me thinking. If I’d had my first baby at 20 and my mum had me at 20 … maybe there’s something in doing it that way, as you’re more likely to have extensive support from family.

Does anyone else think that this might be a ‘better’ way than the middle class approved route of kids in your 30s?

There are pros and cons.

But on the whole yes I agree OP.

And there's so much negativity towards younger parents. But I think it's snobbery and can see many reasons why having babies younger is great!

Having children young is no guarantee of support. My mum had me at 18, I had my first child in my mid twenties. My parents are in their early 50s now, my grandparents in their 70s/80s. We live between 5 and 13 hours from our family so little support.

My career is also going to be hard to pick up again. It’s a professional, well paid career but I’m falling behind my peers. I’d only worked a few years before having my children. We calculated a few days ago that even if I went back to earning £40k, after nursery fees, student finance and travel expenses I’d be no better off than my current part time job. It’s flexible so I can do it whenever around my daughter and earn £15k, no qualifications really needed. I don’t think I’ve had any benefits of having children younger than most.

I think you can think this way about any event in your life. I often wish I’d met my partner when I was younger before my gran died as I know they would have got along amazingly well. But with respect to having kids earlier in life, I think there are pros and cons. Whose to say that if you’d had them when you were younger you have experienced more financial difficulties or felt you were missing out on career progression or a social life? The grass is not always greener.

I had my two at 26 and 29, and it's one thing I feel I got "right" (plenty I got wrong) - not by design, as I was and am someone who tends to drift along not knowing what to do

But I'd been to uni, worked and travelled a bit, and I was mature enough to have kids but young enough to bounce back physically and deal with broken sleep and so on. I am 42 now with an underactive thyroid and couldn't cope with a baby now, although many can, of course.

I'm really enjoying having teens now. They're great and no bother at all. I have a job I like and loads of leisure time to do what I want, lazy mornings, whatever.

The thing is, nothing is a given. Whilst you miss out on the bond of seeing your parents as grandparents (sorry for that, I appreciate it must be awful) you do not know what may have happened if you'd have had children 5,10,15 years earlier.

I had my first child at 17, whilst I tried, and loved my daughter from the moment I knew I was pregnant, I wasn't a great parent for the first few years (infact I'd go as far as a bad parent).
I was unable to conceive for a further 12 years. DD is 14 later this year, and I've just managed to fall pregnant again.

At 30, I'm sat here thinking, I have an idea of who I am, I have an idea how to deal with finances, I have access to cash, a home, the support I don't have (only in contact with DHs parents and low contact with my dad) I can afford to pay for additional support I may require, like a cleaner, childcare, a doula, I have a car, my own home. Ability to purchase whatever the baby will need, I also know I will be a better parent this time around from day one, because I know better than I did the first time around.

It's all swings and roundabouts

Should add I didn't have a career for them to impede, as many women do in their late 20s, so it was easy for me on that score.

Now heading towards 60 and feel like a forty year old

Older parents often seem to say this sort of thing. That they feel young or act young.
But I never quite get it.... you are the age that you are. Not the age you imagine yourself to be. People don't usually feel the age that they are.. how does an age even feel.

I had my first at 18. To be honest I should of waited, I was far too young!

[quote Realyorkshiretea]@KatharinaRosalie I didn’t say all Scandinavian countries though I said Iceland

Yes more people had children at 28 than 23, but equally more people had children at 23 than at 32+. A trend which isn’t replicated here - more women have children in the 35-39 age bracket than in 20-24.[/quote]
The link you posted was about age when having first child. Most births in Iceland were in 30-34 age bracket, and there are more women having children in 35-39 age bracket than in 20-24.

link disappeared statice.is/publications/news-archive/inhabitants/births-2019/

Older parents often seem to say this sort of thing. That they feel young or act young.
But I never quite get it.... you are the age that you are. Not the age you imagine yourself to be. People don't usually feel the age that they are.. how does an age even feel.

It just means I don't feel any different than I did when I was 40

I think 30 would’ve been ideal for me because then I would’ve had DC 2 when DC 1 started school.
However I just really struggled to meet someone once the partying years of my 20s were over. Didn’t meet DH until I was 35! By the time DC1 started school there was NO WAY I was going in for round two

One pro though was that I worked full time until I was 40 so I have built up a reasonable pension-when you go back part time, the contributions take a hit

In some ways I wish I had had mine slightly younger, mid- late twenties instead of 30s. I think these days a lot of us wait to get everything perfect, money, house etc. DH and I did this and while it's nice, we had enough financially to manage earlier. I had a bumpy journey with miscarriages etc and felt like my age didn't help.

Yep I wish I had mine earlier too. I actually tried when I was 25 but couldn't conceive.

I feel old and tired and wish I had more energy to spend time with the children

@user908768543

Everything happens at a certain time and for a reason

Yes I'm sure this gives the OP great comfort following her mother's premature death read the room.

You ok hon ?

My dad (age 42) passed away 5 days before my first child was born (I was 20), my mam (age 45) passed away 5 months after I had my second child (I was 25). Having my children younger/older wouldn’t make much difference in my case.

I had my first at 26 and my second at thirty. We were told my my husbands consultants to go early to reduce risks and allow time to conceive. It worked for us baby wise thankfully and never regretted that decision. However were we ready no. Created some resentment and a strain on a finances but the worst was we seemed to grow apart with the demands of parent hood to the point of serving divorce paper on each other whilst living in the same house at one point. This was complicated by two parental bereavements and some immediate family problems. We realized that it was the stresses around us not and boundaries in relationship was the problem not that we did not love one another, I look back on my thirties as a time of immense struggle and at times depression. However on the positive note my husbands parents got to know two of the six grandchildren they had before they died ( the others born after) My dad saw my eldest up to his 15th birthday and my youngest to his 11th and would have seen beyond if he had not has been stricken with lung cancer. My mum now 77 loves her grandchildren and fully participates in their lives and her two great grandchildren. What have I missed? Not having extended maternity leaves my first was 3 months the second 6 months Husband was self employed mine the secure job and two recessions Changing my career younger but I was tied to the bank I worked with as my mortgage was with them and my wage was the main bread winner. Being in job I hated for 7 years but it was safe and going through two recessions. Buying a three bedroom house that was really beyond us at 21 years of age and doing it up having no savings and being faced with the fertility time bomb. Not be able to travel and do nice things
What has been brilliant
Family relationships
Being young enough to enjoy all the sports and activities my kids wanted to do
Being able to look after and enjoy my grandchildren and join in
Now mortgage paid off enjoying spending the money on us
Planning couple and family holidays
Watching my family grow and being a really active part of it
Being able spend time looking after my mum and having not guilt about the children
Would I do it again this way. Yes I love being myself doing the things I want but also having the balance of the family without them having to help me while I help my mum. But the best thing is being able to spend time with my mum and sons individually doing the things they love for my mum it is going to shows being local or west end. I have the time and energy even when working full time.

[quote KatharinaRosalie]link disappeared statice.is/publications/news-archive/inhabitants/births-2019/[/quote]
Yes but they start having children in their 20s whereas in the U.K. it’s 28+.

I think the ‘trend’ of older motherhood isn’t good for society in terms of women’s rights and quality of life.

It means the government can be rubbish about maternity leave and pay, because they rely on a lot of babies being born to mums further down the career line & financially better off. They also don’t need to support younger mums to find good employment with small children by making higher education setting child friendly etc.

I have also noticed a lot of posts such as @Siameasy where women have really struggled to find a man who will commit & have children in late 20s - I think in part because as far as the men are concerned, their friend’s wives aren’t having babies then, so it’s ‘too soon’ compared to everyone else. They fail to grasp the biological clock and their aims of leaving it as late as they can are justified by seeing their peers wait until late 30s/early 40s. So it’s harder to find a man who will commit in their late 20s for those women who actually want it - so they end up setting down later, and the cycle starts again.

Then the women end up taking on the greater health risks from being an older mum.

It’s a self fulfilling thing really - people want to have kids at the ‘socially acceptable’ age and copy their friends, so they wait until they’re older, have children, and then become part of the middle class norm that says that is the ‘right age’, which more people then copy.

Is there anything in this or does that sound very judgey? I just don’t think it’s doing women a great service, overall. I think it’s a bit of a con.

Personally I would have hated to have had my DC any younger - I was 43 when my DS was born, am over 60 now and, despite earlier comments, still enjoying life and feel I am making a positive contribution to society and still got lots of things to look forward to. It was so much easier to be financially secure when we became parents, I know we were very lucky and people can struggle financially at any age, but for us it was a huge plus. I read about people's financial difficulties on Mumsnet and am so grateful that money has never been an issue for us ... and that wouldn't have been the case if I'd become a mother in my 20s or 30s. (Not that we are well off by Mumsnet standards- we live in a relatively low cost area which means housing is below the average price).

As an aside if i had written this in my early thirties you would have got a completely different response Bringing up children and balancing everything is so hard

Aw, that's so sad. Sorry for your loss x

Yes but they start having children in their 20s whereas in the U.K. it’s 28+.

That's the average age for having your first child in England is 28.9, not the age when people start having kids. Same number is 28.6 years in Iceland. Not much of a difference.
Sure there are many countries where women indeed have children much earlier, but they don't tend to be beacons of equality and progress.

That's to @ParkheadParadise
Must've been a real shock. We never expect to outlive our kids, especially at that age.

@KatharinaRosalie

Yes but they start having children in their 20s whereas in the U.K. it’s 28+.

That's the average age for having your first child in England is 28.9, not the age when people start having kids. Same number is 28.6 years in Iceland. Not much of a difference.
Sure there are many countries where women indeed have children much earlier, but they don't tend to be beacons of equality and progress.

My point is that, proportionately, you are more likely to have your first baby in Iceland at 23 than 34. In the U.K. it’s the other way round.

@ParkheadParadise I have seen a few of your posts while lurking. I’m so sorry you have been through such heartbreak with your DD1. I often think of you, and hope you’re doing okay - just wanted to send my best wishes.