To wish I’d had my kids earlier?

[40220s]

My mum was 35 when she had me. She died when I was 16, and I had my first baby at 40. My dad died when I was 30.

One of my friends at school got pregnant at university and I remember my dad making some comment about being glad it wasn’t me. But I look at her now and it got me thinking. If I’d had my first baby at 20 and my mum had me at 20 … maybe there’s something in doing it that way, as you’re more likely to have extensive support from family.

Does anyone else think that this might be a ‘better’ way than the middle class approved route of kids in your 30s?

@Goldenfan

yabu imo. I had my first at 23 and I feel like I never really experienced adulthood without children in tow. My dh is older and talks about child free holidays, trips and lazy weekends sleeping and watching TV in his own house etc I'm very jealous as I was straight out of education then pregnant and i had only just left home. Obviously that was my choice and I'm talking with hindsight.

However yanbu because you lost your parents young so its understandable to feel the way you do. I'm sorry for your loss.

Yeah but you'll be free in your 40s and can do all the stuff you missed out on then. That's what I plan on doing!

An an ideal world, if we could live fit and healthy lives into our 90’s then I’m glad I had mine later in life.
But there’s no guarantees in life and our children come when they come so we need to accept it and make the best of it.

However if you have your kids at 40 you have a constant sinking sensation that this is it for you, you’ll be an old person of 60 when they leave home and you have no future.

I had mine at 39 & 41. It took me 17yrs to get pregnant so it wasn't by choice. I'm now 60, one of them is working and getting his own place and the other is away at uni.

My life is fantastic. I'm not old, I definitely don't sit around with a sinking feeling that 'this is it'. I have friends, hobbies, a fab DH and a great sex life with no 'children' at home. What's not to like.

But if I’d had them at 20 I could leave DH at 40 - alternatively, have fun first in your 20s and figure out what kind of man you want to grow old with?

Yea I often wish I’d had mine a little earlier. I wouldn’t have wanted them at 20, but maybe at 25ish.

I think there is a balance and people have got to make the decisions that are right for them. There are good/ bad sides to having babies young and older.

I don’t regret having my first at 33. I don’t think it’s worth pining for these things- you can’t change the past, so it doesn’t help you.

Remember, if you’d conceived earlier you’d have had completely different children!

It’s no bad thing that women can get an education, job and have a bit of fun for a few years before TTC. It comes with risks of course, but I think women having a life of their own first is a good thing.

My sympathies on the loss of your DM, that must be especially hard now you have your own DC, but I don’t think being pregnant right after uni would be much fun for most of us!

In an ideal world I would have had mine earlier. But that didn’t happen. I was 42. She is ten and has more grandparents than I had when I was ten. It’s pointless overthinking it. It is what it is.

I had my dd1 at 15
She died at 23, I was 38 and 7 months pregnant with dd2 at the time( a surprise arrival)
No one knows how their life will turn out.

@TomatoSquash but then in your 20s your unlikely to have had a career. Pros and cons and I think you’ve offended most 69 year olds

@TomatoSquash

Plenty of 60 year olds would be enormously insulted by that Well put it this way: You have to sacrifice yourself for 20 years to raise kids. By the time they leave home and I’m free I’ll be 60 and it’ll be too late to leave DH and find someone to fall in love with. But if I’d had them at 20 I could leave DH at 40 and still be young enough to find someone else.

Sounds as though your issue is more about having a DH you don't want to be with than having kids at 40. It is possible to have children at 40 and not be sick of your husband.

I don't envy my friends who have young kids/babies now in our early 40s. One is pregnant with her second at 42 which I think is mad (but I'm very happy for her, I just would never)
On the other hand mine is 13 and I'll be 46 when he's an adult. That's amazing.

@TomatoSquash

If you have your kids at 20 then you have hope of having a life after they’ve grown up. You have a future to look forward to. You won’t even be 40 when they leave home. However if you have your kids at 40 you have a constant sinking sensation that this is it for you, you’ll be an old person of 60 when they leave home and you have no future.

No future?? I generally err on the side of younger is better (if circumstances allow), but to say older parents have no future to look forward to seems very OTT

@TomatoSquash

Plenty of 60 year olds would be enormously insulted by that Well put it this way: You have to sacrifice yourself for 20 years to raise kids. By the time they leave home and I’m free I’ll be 60 and it’ll be too late to leave DH and find someone to fall in love with. But if I’d had them at 20 I could leave DH at 40 and still be young enough to find someone else.

You can leave your H at anytime you know (or he could leave you) definitely not better for the kids to live in an unhappy atmosphere.

Me too. I honestly don't understand this life experience you supposedly gain in the 10 years between 25 and 35. I did all my going out, travelling etc when I was 18. I'm not sure how different I am at 35 compared to 10 years ago... apart from a lot more tired.

I had my first child at 20 and my second at 27. I think having them younger has some advantages like more energy your parents hopefully get to be grandparents for longer but the disadvantages not being more financially stable your career is put on hold etc. I don’t regret it now but at the time felt I missed out on a lot. I look at my friends in their late 30s and early 40s with babies and don’t think I could do it but they probably felt the same about me back then.

I quite like mine

Well if you'd had kids earlier you'd have different kids. IF you like the ones you have why would you wish you had different ones?

I had a lot of fun in my 20s when I was single and childfree. Wouldn't change it for anything. Working crazy hours, living in different countries, travelling all over the place with friends, partying til morning. Wouldn't change it, so many great memories.
I don't think I could do all of that in my 40s. DH would mind if I would hang out with random beautiful Italian men and I wouldn't want to go dance til morning even if you paid me. Also packing up and moving abroad is significantly easier if it's just you and your studio flat to pack up.

And what if your kids feel the same way, that they want to have their DC in their 20s? Would you really go and travel the world instead of staying to be close to your grandchildren?

I am happier being financially secure and able to pay for childcare and a cleaner than I would be with family support. This is partly having a difficult relationship with my mother but also partly personality and choice. I really don't like the sound of the very entwined family relationships I read about on Mumsnet. I like that my DH and I make the decisions and are a family unit rather than having family constantly popping round.

Yes I've thought about this a lot. In a lot of ways it would have been easier and better to do it earlier. I had my second at 39. My husband is older too.

But the career I'm in would probably have been completely over if I'd done it earlier. As it is I've built up the seniority to have some flexibility in my schedule

@ParkheadParadise

I had my dd1 at 15 She died at 23, I was 38 and 7 months pregnant with dd2 at the time( a surprise arrival) No one knows how their life will turn out.

True, and I hope you're OK

Well , my mum was lucky enough to meet my Dad when she was 14 and they married when she was 19 , and then had 3 children before the age of 24
I didn’t meet DH til I was 33 , but I am lucky in that I had loads of lovely holidays , got on the property ladder and conceived easily twice when we married
Both Dc off our hands now and independent and we are ( still bloody working ) happy together
Sadly Mum died at age 61 and my children don’t remember her ( I do , every day )

I had my son at 19, my mum had me at 21 and her mum had her at 21. My sons great grandparents are younger than most of his peers grandparents. We are all very close and it’s great to have such a fab support network. Not to say it wasn’t hard having a child so young though!

@SethWho

I wish I had had my 1 younger so I had had time for more.

This!

YANBU and I’m sorry for your losses.

My parents had me relatively late by 70s standards, and I also lost them relatively young, although not as awfully young as you.

My Mum died well before my DC were born and it’s my life regret that she didn’t meet my DC and vice versa. My Dad only had 6 years with my DC.

But there’s no-one I’d rather have had DC with that DH, and I met him when I met him.

Having DC sooner/earlier would have necessitated having them with someone unsuitable, which would have been fraught, and I’d have inevitably ended up doing it all.

That is in no way preferable.

Yeah but you'll be free in your 40s and can do all the stuff you missed out on then. That's what I plan on doing!

Same! All being well my daughter will be independent when I’m in my mid 40s. The dream is to work in NYC for a while and then travel in S America. Maybe my daughter will join me for a while its incredibly exciting.

Op, I think your strength of feeling comes from the fact you lost your mum young but YANBU, either - generally speaking I think having children late 20s-early 30s is optimum, if circumstances are good. And I think you make a good point about late motherhood being a middle class trend - as a first time mum in my late 20s, my friends almost saw me as a teen mum

In other countries, such as Iceland, it is the cultural norm and healthy to have kids early - early to mid 20s. And their society is leaps and bounds ahead of ours in many respects - their kids certainly don’t turn to crime or run around like feral animals.

I do wonder if society is doing women a bit of a disservice by making older motherhood seem like the best option, and selling a myth that you can only travel/have fun/climb the career ladder in your 20s and 30s.