Dh’s girlfriend from past

[Ibizafun]

Dh and I are in our 50’s, happily married (2nd marriage). He’s kept in touch with a girl he dated for 3 yrs when he was 17-20 just sending birthday texts. Apparently they were friends for some time after the relationship.

Dh showed me a message from her saying she’s now working near our area and does he fancy a cup of coffee one day. I think she is now single. Dh says he’s curious as to how her life turned out and why don’t we ask her here.

He has integrity and I’m not worried about cheating but he does think it’s ok to be friends with her. I guess I’m worried if there’s still a spark, do I need those feelings stirred up in him? Am I being unreasonable to say one coffee to catch up but no friendship.

Have asked my friends but would love it confirmed here!

You know lots of these women. Therefore they are in your circles. Or else you wouldn't really know much about them.

No no. Hearing of other people's experiences does not mean I have anyone like this in my life. And if I thought I did, they'd be gone immediately.

And yes, works both way, for men or women.

@Ibizafun

Hekatestorch she mentioned the fact in their last communication which was his recent birthday that she divorced. And yes, scoff as you will, most people who know my dh do think of him as a prize, however yuk that sounds written down! Kind, charitable, intelligent, charismatic and in my opinion gorgeous! Sorry if that upsets you Hekatestorch. Some bitter and twisted people on here.

Divorced doesn't mean she isn't in a relationship.

Op, of course you think your husband is amazing. But facts are, not everyone does. Not everyone is willing to throw their morals to the side because your husband is the most desirable man they have ever come across.

Its great you think that. But I can gaurentee, most other women do not.

@TwinsandTrifle

You know lots of these women. Therefore they are in your circles. Or else you wouldn't really know much about them.

No no. Hearing of other people's experiences does not mean I have anyone like this in my life. And if I thought I did, they'd be gone immediately.

And yes, works both way, for men or women.

So you know all these depsertate sad women who hunt for married men....through plain gossip. Usually from either the man that cheated or his partner? It's well known a cheated on partner will minimise the cheaters action, especially if they are staying together. Its entirely normal behaviour so you can reconcile.

But you don't know any of these women. You know what problem have told you about them, which in unlikely to be a very accurate representation of the truth.

Hekatestorch the difference is that this woman once found her DH attractive enough to sleep with him for 3yrs. It’s not some random single 50 yr old it’s someone he once had a strong emotional attachment and he is curious about how her life has panned out. With SM we no longer have to meet up to catch up. A quick text and a few photos will satisfy.

Oh and I live next door to a serial predatory woman. She is infamous in the village and has been beaten up on her own doorstep by a couple of very well to do disgruntled wives.

If it was my DH I'd ask him not to go and meet up. If he wanted to I'd suggest you both go. Why stay in touch with an ex for all that time... if no feelings?

the difference is that this woman once found her DH attractive enough to sleep with him for 3yrs.

Thirty years ago though. I bump into people I knew 30 years ago and I don't recognise them. They recognise me but they've usually entirely changed physically. Heck, I bumped into someone I lusted after at university a couple of years later and he'd changed. Put on a few stone and bleached his hair. I recognised him, but I also thought 'how on earth did I fancy you?'

Oh and I live next door to a serial predatory woman. She is infamous in the village and has been beaten up on her own doorstep by a couple of very well to do disgruntled wives.

Exactly. I don't know a couple of women like that personally, but I would be able to point them out where we live. As I've heard from people I have no reason to distrust, enough about their antics.

But naturally we're just both friends with liars

“Not everyone is willing to throw their morals to the side because your husband is the most desirable man they have ever come across.”

Sure not all, but some would be. Not easy to meet someone decent in your 50’s. Not saying this woman is one of them but who knows? Dh in the last 30 odd years has made serious money. One google or look at his Instagram would tell her that. I’m not accusing this poor woman of anything, just accepting there ARE people out there with questionable morals!

@Angrymum22

Hekatestorch the difference is that this woman once found her DH attractive enough to sleep with him for 3yrs. It’s not some random single 50 yr old it’s someone he once had a strong emotional attachment and he is curious about how her life has panned out. With SM we no longer have to meet up to catch up. A quick text and a few photos will satisfy.

Yes 30 years ago.

I once found my boyfriends attractive. Doesn't mean I do now, when I have bumped into them. I also would have had an emotional attachment to them at the time.

Let's make it clear, I am not saying it never happens. It obviously does. I am just disgusted at the vitriol then at single women and the blame being removed from the married men who cheat, because they just couldn't keep saying no. Things like 'desperate' and 'sad' and 'can't find a single man' as though that's all ever women could ever want. A man.

We all have come across shitty people. But we don't have to shag them. Someone knowing one person who is shitty and happens to be a single female, doesn't mean single females are likely to be shitt.

Barbara telling you how it wasn't really her husband fucked someone else, it was the nasty womans fault and Babs husband just couldn't say no anymore, he had no choice or it was just a moment of weakness (doesn't explain why it happened again and again) which is why they are still together and demonising the woman, doesn't make all single females shitty.

Men claiming it wasn't their fault, doesn't make single women shitty.

And since married women also, sometimes, sleep with married men it makes no sense to blame affairs on single women.

Some people are shitty and cheat or sleep with attached people. Some are single, some are not. But if you cheat on your partner, you are a cheater.

I find it so sad that women partake in this stereotypical view of affairs taht are made of manipulative relentless women and poor sill man who just couldn't help himself.

And just to add, I could point out the men who behave the same.

I know especially of one man who has such a poor reputation, that people will avoid even being seen in his company, lest they become associated with him.

It's not gossip. It's how these people behave. I'm able to accept that.

@Ibizafun

“Not everyone is willing to throw their morals to the side because your husband is the most desirable man they have ever come across.”

Sure not all, but some would be. Not easy to meet someone decent in your 50’s. Not saying this woman is one of them but who knows? Dh in the last 30 odd years has made serious money. One google or look at his Instagram would tell her that. I’m not accusing this poor woman of anything, just accepting there ARE people out there with questionable morals!

But you were unhappy with this and going to ban him, before you even knew her. That's the issue. You assume she is probably in the category of wanting your dh, without even knowing her.

Chances are she would be in tbe category of not. Since most women won't do that.

as though that's all ever women could ever want. A man

Not at all. I'm sure that's not applicable to you. Or me.

But these people absolutely do exist. Anything, literally anything will do. They don't seek out married men/women. They seek out anyone who will have them. It's desperation, or deeper rooted issues.

She is infamous in the village and has been beaten up on her own doorstep by a couple of very well to do disgruntled wives.

Did the same women commit DV against their own partners too?

[quote DumplingsAndStew]@TwinsandTrifle

Oh, do fuck off dear. Morals like that will be a big part of why you still remain single

I really fucking hope that bit wasn't targeted at me?

Why are you acting like a woman who is moving back to the area she lived in 30 years ago is a marriage wrecker for asking an old friend if they want to catch up? THE OP DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IF SHE IS SINGLE[/quote]
Not really just an ‘old friend’ though is it.

Some of these posters are coming across like middle aged single women desperate to rekindle a “friendship” with an old lover themselves 🤭

Some of these posters are coming across like middle aged single women desperate to rekindle a “friendship” with an old lover themselves

Some of these posters are able to acknowledge middle aged single women desperate to rekindle a “friendship” with an old lover.

There. Fixed it for you.

See Op obviously sees her husband as a "prize. That's her view. I see my dh as a 'catch' too as would undoubtedly some other women. Not all women find the same men attractive etc and vice versa for men. The difference for Op is that the ex is extremely likely to see the dh as a prize. She's single, according to the dh still very attractive , they were together a decent period of time and she has come calling... It's not hard to do the maths. Anyway, all sorted as Op's dh has decided not to meet the ex. Good call.

If my DP encountered someone who kept pursuing him, he'd just block all forms of communication. If she persisted, we'd have to investigate some form of restraining order. He wouldn't be interested, because someone who acts like this is unhinged.

Same. This is how loving partners with no intention of cheating behave.

It doesn't go from 0-100 instantly. There's an initial contact, further contract, increasing intimacy etc.

People need to stop infantilising men and demonising women. Cheats cheat because they want to do so. Some regret it, some don't.

But it's an active choice. People who don't want to cheat shut it down, stop communication, refuse contact etc.

And @TwinsandTrifle

"Oh, do fuck off dear. Morals like that will be a big part of why you still remain single"

Your disdain for single women absolutely drips from each comment you post. Funny how you say some women see men as the ultimate goal then imply someone must be single because they are unwanted... firstly it's a disgusting thing to say and secondly maybe they want to hold out for a better man than someone they think is so weak willed they can be pursued so relentlessly until they simply can't help but shag the pursuer. We all have different standards, dear.

Hekatestorch I agree most women wouldn’t do that. But why take the chance? Especially if it doesn’t mean that much to dh who is willing to let it go,

Is OP's lovely etc DH really so lacking in moral compass, agency and integrity that he would dump his relationship with her for someone he had a teenage relationship with, 30 years ago?
It doesn't say much for OP's opinion of him, really, and perhaps he isn't such a catch after all.

Definitely invite her to your house, as your DH said, otherwise this could become a regular theme.

Personally I wouldn’t trust her motive, so would do it that way to show solidarity between you.

Same. This is how loving partners with no intention of cheating behave.

Yes, and if I were at the point where I felt I needed to ban him from seeing someone, I'd think our relationship was already in trouble. Much of this thread reeks of the narrative of the strong, attractive, rich , charismatic man, who for all his strength and integrity somehow might be led astray by some evil temptress, who when crossed will go full Glenn Close on everyone. And of course it won't be his fault. He's such a tempting prize, and she's just so desperate and, well, loony.

Except it would be his bloody fault and if he's that much of a dick that the nearest desperado with a push-up bra can get him into bed with the oh-so tempting offer of a coffee, he's not that much of a prize, charisma, money and charm aside. I think I'll stick with my own rather lovely geek who is neither charismatic nor charming, but who is honest as the day is long and who can make me laugh that deep, unfettered belly laugh of pure wicked joy.

Madamfrog have not read my update? My dh is more than happy not to meet at all. Sorry to disappoint. And where does it say he would dump our relationship for her? Perhaps you meant to post on a different thread.

Your poor DH, you are being very controlling. Both DH and I have exes from that past we’ve kept in touch with and occasionally meet up with. We both had a life before we met, and I would not dream of dictating who DH can or cannot be friends with. And if he dictated to me it would absolutely be a LTB moment.
It’s not even that I’d have a problem giving up a friendship for him, it’s more the massive red flag it would be for him to think he could make this demand off me