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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh’s girlfriend from past

261 replies

Ibizafun · 11/09/2021 17:46

Dh and I are in our 50’s, happily married (2nd marriage). He’s kept in touch with a girl he dated for 3 yrs when he was 17-20 just sending birthday texts. Apparently they were friends for some time after the relationship.

Dh showed me a message from her saying she’s now working near our area and does he fancy a cup of coffee one day. I think she is now single. Dh says he’s curious as to how her life turned out and why don’t we ask her here.

He has integrity and I’m not worried about cheating but he does think it’s ok to be friends with her. I guess I’m worried if there’s still a spark, do I need those feelings stirred up in him? Am I being unreasonable to say one coffee to catch up but no friendship.

Have asked my friends but would love it confirmed here!

OP posts:
GreenClock · 11/09/2021 21:35

I think that in many cases, there is something special and intriguing about a teenage-era ex. It’s different to someone you dated at 30 or 40, or even an ex-spouse. The nostalgia is often intense. For this reason, I’d be wary of this particular woman.

I would be less wary if they’d stayed in touch, even sporadically, over the years and known each other’s spouses etc. But this “out of the blue” scenario is different and I wonder what precipitated it.

It’s to his credit that he told you but that doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to meet her when you’re not comfortable with it.

StormBaby · 11/09/2021 21:42

Those of you who think this situation isn’t dangerous territory are kidding yourselves. I had an ex get back in touch after 20 years when my first marriage went through a rough patch, it was almost as if he knew I was vulnerable, and it ended up being an emotional affair. The ‘what ifs’ are very attractive IMO. I’m very careful now to never put myself in the position ever again. It’s an easy trap.

BertramLacey · 11/09/2021 22:16

Those of you who think this situation isn’t dangerous territory are kidding yourselves.

Or, we just have different experiences and are different people. I'm not invalidating or questioning your experience, so why not just acknowledge that mine is different from yours?

PumpkinsGalore · 11/09/2021 22:20

Don't allow it. She needs to be told to sod off! Politely or otherwise! Chances are high that she has bad intentions. Why risk it?

toocold54 · 11/09/2021 22:22

I think I do have a right to decide who he’s friends with when it comes to single women he’s dated!

You do not have the right to decide who he’s friends with!! He’s a grown adult and you’re not his mum!
If my boyfriend ever tried to tell me who I can and can’t be friends with them I’d be finishing it as that’s controlling and unhealthy.

If someone is going to cheat on you then they will. I really don’t think the risk is increased if it’s an ex from 30 years ago.

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 22:26

@StormBaby

Those of you who think this situation isn’t dangerous territory are kidding yourselves. I had an ex get back in touch after 20 years when my first marriage went through a rough patch, it was almost as if he knew I was vulnerable, and it ended up being an emotional affair. The ‘what ifs’ are very attractive IMO. I’m very careful now to never put myself in the position ever again. It’s an easy trap.
And I ended up back in touch with my ex, we didn't have an emotional affair or an affair. It was nice to see him, we have stayed in touch from time to time. Not everyone steps over the line.

Its really strange to think that because it worked our that way for you. Its definitely going to work out that way for everyone.

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 22:30

@PumpkinsGalore

Don't allow it. She needs to be told to sod off! Politely or otherwise! Chances are high that she has bad intentions. Why risk it?
And what amazing formula did you use to work out, that the chance of her having bad intentions is higher than the chance of her, simply moving back to the area and thinking it was chance for a catch up.

Besides which 'don't allow it' is really poor advice. He is a grown adult.

If something happened between them, it would because he wanted it to. It which case he will just go behind ops back anyway.

She can have all the negative intentions she wants. Doesn't mean she gets anywhere.

Of course, unless op feels that he is the type that just can't say no. Which is a problem in itself.

MyPatronusIsACat · 11/09/2021 22:44

@ilovemydogandmrobama2

Totally agree with the posters who suggest meeting her together, as it isn't really an issue of whether he would cheat, but DH and I are mostly have the same circle of friends. He will go out with his mates, and I will go out with mine, but he has met most of my exes and I've met most of his, so not a big deal.

Quire normal to be curious how her life has turned out.

Yeah the meeting together - (the OP and her DH and his old girlfriend who is suddenly interested in meeting up with him,) is a red herring.

They will meet up as a 3, then the DH and the old flame will meet alone. (Without OP's knowledge.)

It's textbook.

I'd bet a month's salary that an affair will ensue IF the OP doesn't put her foot down now.

Then again, it may happen anyway. If the OP protests, he may just see his old flame in secret...

Tough one. Sorry @Ibizafun but it doesn't sound good... It sounds to me like your DH is still attracted to this woman.

I hope I am wrong.

MyPatronusIsACat · 11/09/2021 22:47

@StormBaby

Those of you who think this situation isn’t dangerous territory are kidding yourselves. I had an ex get back in touch after 20 years when my first marriage went through a rough patch, it was almost as if he knew I was vulnerable, and it ended up being an emotional affair. The ‘what ifs’ are very attractive IMO. I’m very careful now to never put myself in the position ever again. It’s an easy trap.
100% this.

As I said earlier, it's so common for old flames to meet up, and their feelings for each other to re-ignite.

There is sooooo much wrong with the OP's DH meeting up with this woman.

stonebrambleboy · 11/09/2021 23:02

OP you are not controlling or insecure.
I know a number of middle-aged single women who are desperate for a man.Who justify affairs by saying 'it isn't me who broke the marriage vows '.

RonniePickering · 11/09/2021 23:06

Yeah I’d say “fuck that” 🤷🏼‍♀️

andweallsingalong · 11/09/2021 23:13

I voted Yabu because I think it's weird meeting just once. I'd say not at all or as a mutual friend....

Hattie765 · 11/09/2021 23:34

@Ibizafun

I think I do have a right to decide who he’s friends with when it comes to single women he’s dated! Especially as he asked me how I felt. Can ask her to ours but it’s the prospect of friendship after I’m not sure I’m comfortable with
No you don't. If any of my friends told me their partner was trying to decide who they could be friends with I'd tell them to leave such a toxic relationship immediately. If you can't trust him to the point you need to ban him from seeing people you really need to examine whether this is the right relationship for you.
Branleuse · 11/09/2021 23:42

I think id be jealous

faithfulbird20 · 12/09/2021 00:21

How would he feel if he was in your position?

I wouldn't feel comfortable at all and yes of course you do have say who he's mates with especially if they've dated before!

Cherryberrybonbon · 12/09/2021 00:33

I think you do have a right to say you don’t really want him to be friends with her if it makes you uncomfortable, it’s up to him if he decides to or not but you are allowed an opinion. Do you feel like this woman might be clutching at straws later in life and hoping to win him over?

DumplingsAndStew · 12/09/2021 01:17

Half the posters on here are fucking mentalists.

No-one even knows if the friend is single or not. She's probably more happily married than the OP and her husband. Even if not, it's pretty weird to think you're husband is just so undoubtedly sexy and irresistible than everyone is secretly pining over him, ready to make a move after 30 years.

I pit some of your husbands.

Hekatestorch · 12/09/2021 05:12

I know a number of middle-aged single women who are desperate for aman.Whojustify affairs by saying 'it isn't me who broke the marriage vows '.

Again, if the married man didn't want an affair, he could say no and cut her off if she started anything inappropriate.

An affair can't happen, here, unless the man always wants it.

The way some people describe single women (sad, desperate, dangerous, immoral) for just being single and the way men are being spoken about (helpless, can't help themselves if it's thrown at them, unable to say no and stick to their vows, poor poppets manipulated by scarring single women) is really really shocking.

Chikapu · 12/09/2021 08:29

I hope I am wrong

No, you don't, you appear to be loving coming up with your little scenarios.

TwinsandTrifle · 12/09/2021 08:53

Even if not, it's pretty weird to think you're husband is just so undoubtedly sexy and irresistible than everyone is secretly pining over him

No. You're missing the point. As PP said, by this stage, they're desperate. Not for my man, for any man. They don't desire him in particular. It's just, "a man" finally. I find it really strange a few PP are pretending these women don't exist. They are pretty common.

And absolutely, the relentless pursuit and putting themselves on a plate, is deliberate and calculated. And should the man that's been targeted, ever, ever fall for it. Then they justify how they didn't do anything wrong, because "I'm not the one who broke my marriage vows"

Oh, do fuck off dear. Morals like that will be a big part of why you still remain single.

And just to clarify, of course he's done something wrong. But this is no "their eyes met across a crowded room" this is one person being selected then pursued by a desperate person. And desperate people know no bounds.

AgathaAllAlong · 12/09/2021 09:09

I'm also in the camp of if you need to keep him from seeing this woman to prevent an affair then he isn't the man for you. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is only with me because he's not had the chance for a few drinks with an ex from 30 years ago.

Think of it this way: in his mind she's this beautiful 20 year old with all these possibilities before them. Meeting her will dispel that image and replace it with the reality of now.

Chikapu · 12/09/2021 09:10

No. You're missing the point. As PP said, by this stage, they're desperate. Not for my man, for any man. They don't desire him in particular. It's just, "a man" finally. I find it really strange a few PP are pretending these women don't exist. They are pretty common

Wow, I have no words for that shitshow of a statement.

TwinsandTrifle · 12/09/2021 09:17

I do, it's called real world truth, rather than pretending on solely on MN that these people don't exist.

Hekatestorch · 12/09/2021 09:17

You're missing the point. As PP said, by this stage, they're desperate. Not for my man, for any man. They don't desire him in particular. It's just, "a man" finally. I find it really strange a few PP are pretending these women don't exist. They are pretty common.

Might be common in your circles. But they aren't in mine. Guess what must be common in your circles, shitty men.

Or maybe you are just paranoid?

And absolutely, the relentless pursuit and putting themselves on a plate, is deliberate and calculated. And should the man that's been targeted, ever, ever fall for it. Then they justify how they didn't do anything wrong, because "I'm not the one who broke my marriage vows"

Or the men could shut it down and cut contact with the woman. But they don't because they like the ego stroke. And yes, it's absolutely a man's fault if he steps over the line.

Just like it would be entirely my fault, if stepped over the line with any man, behind my dps back. Mine and mine alone.

Oh, do fuck off dear. Morals like that will be a big part of why you still remain single.

Your misogyny is really making you angry.

And just to clarify, of course he's done something wrong. But this is no "their eyes met across a crowded room" this is one person being selected then pursued by a desperate person. And desperate people know no bounds.

And what? Someone showing interest on uou or even getting g naked and throwing themselves on a table in crowded Starbucks, doesn't mean you have to.

If you can be worn down into cheating, you are a cheater and it's still you cheating.

How the fuck do men do anything if they can be worn down into piss poor behaviour? Is genuinely nothing their fault? Evil women, lurking to lead them astray?

They are adults. Not children

Ibizafun · 12/09/2021 09:32

Anyway quick update, asked dh to ask her here for coffee but told him I don’t feel comfortable with anything more (at this point anyway without knowing much about her). Dh’s reply was he can’t be bothered, definitely not bothered enough to risk upsetting me.

OP posts: