Dh’s girlfriend from past

[Ibizafun]

Dh and I are in our 50’s, happily married (2nd marriage). He’s kept in touch with a girl he dated for 3 yrs when he was 17-20 just sending birthday texts. Apparently they were friends for some time after the relationship.

Dh showed me a message from her saying she’s now working near our area and does he fancy a cup of coffee one day. I think she is now single. Dh says he’s curious as to how her life turned out and why don’t we ask her here.

He has integrity and I’m not worried about cheating but he does think it’s ok to be friends with her. I guess I’m worried if there’s still a spark, do I need those feelings stirred up in him? Am I being unreasonable to say one coffee to catch up but no friendship.

Have asked my friends but would love it confirmed here!

If 'it' goes through, imagine the day...
Excitement?
Will it be treated as a 'date' ?
Aftershave?
Special attire?
Extra spruced appearance?
Will the 'meeting' overrun?
Will personal feelings be explored and/or exercised?
Nothing is as harmless as it seems when two people are involved.
Curiosity can be so powerful leading some to opt for the high thrill aspect.
The other woman has NOTHING to lose.
*Please consider the poster, first and foremost. She is seeking support.

@Ibizafun

I think I do have a right to decide who he’s friends with when it comes to single women he’s dated! Especially as he asked me how I felt. Can ask her to ours but it’s the prospect of friendship after I’m not sure I’m comfortable with

I really think you do not have this "right". At all.

Lol. I could have predicted the "maybe in the circles you moved in". I was going to type that in my post I expected that silly reply so much, I should have done.

No they don't move in my circles. People like that are disgusting and not welcome as a friend.

If someone has been faithful for 30 years, during which time, they've obviously met hundreds of attractive people, had ample opportunity to cheat of their own doing, but don't. Then get targeted by a relentless desperate person, until they are broken down, then sure, technically they have cheated. But to act like they played some equal part, when one person had that intention from the start and was relentless through sheer desperation? Funny how men can be called "poor poppets" and patronised if they are targeted. Bizarre that some are outraged if the women in question are called out for being the orchestrating predators they are. Thankfully it's the minority view of the posts.

Imagine if my male next door neighbour, knew I was married, left flowers on my car. Came out to "innocently" join me on walks with DC as I walked past the house. Popped round with a few recipes he'd seen that he thought I might like. Would I be some "poor poppet?" No. I'd be told how this man was deliberately over stepping the mark, and to keep him distanced. Not because I'm weak and can't rebut his advances. Because a man like that is bad news. And he is. Works just the same for women.

LadyOfLittleLeisure I may not have the right in your opinion, but if you read my update my feelings are worth more to dh than any ‘rights’.

This isn’t a gender issue in my view. If one of my exes or my DHs exes got in touch when newly single to meet up after many years of only sending happy birthday type messages I’d suspect ulterior motives! One of my exes actually unsuccessfully tried this a few years ago though, so perhaps I’m biased!

@Ibizafun

Anyway quick update, asked dh to ask her here for coffee but told him I don’t feel comfortable with anything more (at this point anyway without knowing much about her). Dh’s reply was he can’t be bothered, definitely not bothered enough to risk upsetting me.

Well, big round of applause for behaving like such a prima donna that your husband is afraid you’ll fly off the handle and start issuing friendship bans if he sees his teenage ex-girlfriend thirty years on?

Honestly, OP. And the idea of inviting her to the house so she’s on your territory and you can keep a watchful eye?

Anyway quick update, asked dh to ask her here for coffee but told him I don’t feel comfortable with anything more (at this point anyway without knowing much about her). Dh’s reply was he can’t be bothered, definitely not bothered enough to risk upsetting me.

@Ibizafun I'm so pleased to hear this. And I'd be a little wary of this. I'll tell you why: He would have been bothered to go out and meet her on his own, in a coffee shop somewhere. But your offering for her having that coffee at your home, which is even less effort, and he "couldn't be bothered" to see her at all.

That would suggest to me he knew the kind of tone this catch up would have, and it wasn't the kind that his wife could hear. I don't mean anything too untoward, but I think it would have been lots of reminiscing etc between two exes.

I'm glad there's the mutual respect for him to recognise this and you've come to the right decision together.

@TwinsandTrifle

Lol. I could have predicted the "maybe in the circles you moved in". I was going to type that in my post I expected that silly reply so much, I should have done.

No they don't move in my circles. People like that are disgusting and not welcome as a friend.

If someone has been faithful for 30 years, during which time, they've obviously met hundreds of attractive people, had ample opportunity to cheat of their own doing, but don't. Then get targeted by a relentless desperate person, until they are broken down, then sure, technically they have cheated. But to act like they played some equal part, when one person had that intention from the start and was relentless through sheer desperation? Funny how men can be called "poor poppets" and patronised if they are targeted. Bizarre that some are outraged if the women in question are called out for being the orchestrating predators they are. Thankfully it's the minority view of the posts.

Imagine if my male next door neighbour, knew I was married, left flowers on my car. Came out to "innocently" join me on walks with DC as I walked past the house. Popped round with a few recipes he'd seen that he thought I might like. Would I be some "poor poppet?" No. I'd be told how this man was deliberately over stepping the mark, and to keep him distanced. Not because I'm weak and can't rebut his advances. Because a man like that is bad news. And he is. Works just the same for women.

You know lots of these women. Therefore they are in your circles. Or else you wouldn't really know much about them.

Or are you just going on 2nd, 3rd, 4th hand gossip coming from people who have been cheated on. You can't know so much about their inner feelings and thoughts and not have a relationship with them.

No one is broken down into cheating. No many has sex with someone behinds his wife's back in the hope the woman backs off. Or because he just can't fight it anymore. Its not technically cheating. It's cheating. And then men hold at least the same amount if blame as the woman. You talk about men as though they were children lead astray.

If a woman willing cheats because a man keeps asking then she is a cheater. But let's not pretend it's equal. Men, generally hold more power. Be that physical or the circumstances. So yes, it's more intimidating.

And not many people cheat because they genuinely had no other choice.

The neighbour you describe....definitely is a different situation. Because people would be worried for the physical safety of you and your child

If you kept engaging with him and enjoyed having your ego stroke by him, reciprocated in flirty......then you would get different answers again.

@TwinsandTrifle

Oh, do fuck off dear. Morals like that will be a big part of why you still remain single

I really fucking hope that bit wasn't targeted at me?

Why are you acting like a woman who is moving back to the area she lived in 30 years ago is a marriage wrecker for asking an old friend if they want to catch up? THE OP DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IF SHE IS SINGLE

SeriouslyISuppose Prima Donna nope.. I have a husband who considers my feelings and values our marriage. He had no intention of anything untoward but how I feel trumps his curiosity as to how her life panned out. I’m sorry this upsets you!!!

DumplingsAndStew she is definitely single, dh told me her marriage ended a few years ago.

@Ibizafun

DumplingsAndStew she is definitely single, dh told me her marriage ended a few years ago.

and he talks to her often enough and in detail enough to know wether she is in another relationship or not?

I think YABU, both DH Andi have maintained friendships with exes from decades ago and it's not a problem.

@Ibizafun

Hekatestorch Without wishing to sound arrogant, my dh would in fact be a prize to a lot of women. My married friends are the first to tell me. Sure we all have different tastes etc.. but he’s a kind, generous, unusually good person. Who has never cheated. Sometimes insecurity is unfounded.

No it's weird and I agree with you. I could not accept this at all... However, everyone has a different dynamic to their relationship and this just wouldn't occur in our marriage. We've been married 22 years so if it happened now it would be strange. I mean, your dh has kept in touch with the ex, that's the difference, but why is your dh interested in how an exes life has turned out? Why has she suddenly wanted to meet up now she's single? Plus, he's telling you how attractive she was and still is! Looks very suspect.

I've just seen the update, and fair enough, but the language around "right to decide" sounded worrying.

Jesus wept I missed where op told me he was a prize.

Op you think he is a prize. Friends say that sort of stuff.

But what you have described as a prize is the basic behaviour of a decent person.

That's not a prize. And oddly, doesn't mean women everywhere want to steal him.

@Ibizafun

Thank you. Different advice from my friends saying why do I need it, single women are dangerous

Oh FFS.

Your friends are shallow, insecure idiots who need to learn not to judge by their own standards. They must be rabid man-chasers when they are single, to think like this.

It's stonking internalised misogyny, to view other women as 'competitors' for men.

@Ibizafun

I think I do have a right to decide who he’s friends with when it comes to single women he’s dated! Especially as he asked me how I felt. Can ask her to ours but it’s the prospect of friendship after I’m not sure I’m comfortable with

You really don't. You're controlling and insecure.

Anyway quick update, asked dh to ask her here for coffee but told him I don’t feel comfortable with anything more (at this point anyway without knowing much about her). Dh’s reply was he can’t be bothered, definitely not bothered enough to risk upsetting me.

No, he cannot be bothered with the crap he'll get from you! He's been friends with her for years. Now all of a sudden she'll be in the area and you're telling him who he can and can't be friends with. They were friends along time before you came along! You're so controlling and so immature. You wouldn't believe you're in your 50's.

I think some people here are unrealistic. Im quite happy in my relationship and have lots of trust in my partner, but I am also aware that my dad cheated, my stepdad cheated, my mum cheated, my ex husband cheated. My best friend has cheated, my partners dad cheated multiple times as have lots of people in his family
I dont find monogamy difficult myself, but i know plenty of people who you just wouldnt think were the type, to realise that there isnt actually a type. Theres a balance to be had here with protecting yourself and your boundaries by speaking up when something worries you, but obviously you have to be able to live too. Its very tricky

@TwinsandTrifle

Different advice from my friends saying why do I need it, single women are dangerous

Not all are. But let's not be naive and pretend some aren't completely predatory, sick of being single, and out to snag whoever, married or not. Yes, yes, in a perfect world the flawless adoring DH would never even look at anyone else. Meanwhile in the real world, things can, and from PP stating their experiences, do, happen.

My DH would never instigate anything. However, if he got chased and chased, flattered then propositioned by Cindy Crawford, well, who knows.

This is someone he's slept with, and calls attractive. Who's asked him to meet up, and she's single. I wouldn't encourage this. I think you can't declare "no you can't go", but equally, if someone asks you to make that decision by seeking your approval: Do you mind? and you answer "yes"... Well, he's got his answer.

And no, I don't think it makes you insecure. I think it makes you smart and considerate of the possible outcomes, and is the worst outcome worth risking, just to go for "one coffee". No.

You know married women are also capable of having affairs & being "completely predatory", right?

@Ibizafun

SeriouslyISuppose Prima Donna nope.. I have a husband who considers my feelings and values our marriage. He had no intention of anything untoward but how I feel trumps his curiosity as to how her life panned out. I’m sorry this upsets you!!!

He’s tiptoeing around your insecurity and controlling tendencies.

‘She has to come here for coffee so I can sit in, and I’m still really not happy about it and all my friends think she’s predatory/desperate, so I’m going to make this as difficult as possible for you so that the potential for Upsetting Me looms way larger than whatever pleasure you might get from renewing an old friendship. What’s that you say? Decided not to do it at all? Result!’

@SeriouslyISuppose - in her first post the OP said that her DH suggested the ex come round for coffee with them both, so it was his idea, not OPs.

Re: exes from youth in general; most I would just think of as friends, would never go there again, even if I met with them. But one I carried on having feelings for into my 30s. He got in touch with me on Friend's Reunited, pretended he was single, and I fell right back in love with him. Luckily before I got in too deep I found out he was expecting a baby with his partner. I was devastated, and also ashamed that I'd been part of him cheating on her unwittingly.

Then get targeted by a relentless desperate person, until they are broken down, then sure, technically they have cheated.

Generally there are two places where these women are common - soap operas, and those chat magazines that pay a tenner for your story and then sell themselves with headlines like 'my neighbour is an alien and I'm having his octuplets'.

If my DP encountered someone who kept pursuing him, he'd just block all forms of communication. If she persisted, we'd have to investigate some form of restraining order. He wouldn't be interested, because someone who acts like this is unhinged. That's not to say he absolutely wouldn't stray. I trust him, but I've known weird things happen. But if he did cheat it wouldn't be because a cray-cray lady chased him - it would be because he wanted to cheat.

Hekatestorch she mentioned the fact in their last communication which was his recent birthday that she divorced. And yes, scoff as you will, most people who know my dh do think of him as a prize, however yuk that sounds written down! Kind, charitable, intelligent, charismatic and in my opinion gorgeous! Sorry if that upsets you Hekatestorch. Some bitter and twisted people on here.