WIBU to end it over this?

[ilovehalloumi]

Been seeing a lovely bloke for 3/4 months, all going well. Treats me great, loads in common, fantastic sex.

Took me out for dinner tonight, ended up in a few cocktail bars, both got fairly drunk.

Got back to mine, went to bed, I woke up a couple of hours later to him PISSING IN THE CORNER OF MY ROOM!!

He's stayed over a few times, definitely knows where the bathroom is.

I'm properly grossed out, obviously when he wakes he will be cleaning it up. I've hardly slept because I feel properly furious.

WIBU to tell him to leave and not come back? I've texted my bestie but since it's 6.30am I imagine she won't reply for a while.....so I'm asking you Mumsnet

The posters who have defended his initial lack of apology on the grounds that he was clearly hideously embarrassed are missing the point. Yes of course he was hideously embarrassed, and apologising would not have been fun for him. But he chose to brazen it out (and cravenly say sorry by text later) rather than swallow his pride and do the right thing at the time. Saving face and avoiding further embarrassment were more important to him than making amends with the OP. And that's why you should dump him, OP - this attitude might be a one-off I suppose, but more likely it's the first revealing of underlying selfishness after the honeymoon period begins to wear off.

@HelpNeedCoolUsername8

Poor bloke, he’s probably mortified. Sometimes people are too proud to show how mortified they feel. I think if it was me I’d be wanting to reassure him that he doesn’t need to be embarrassed! He was obviously sleep walking, he told you that he thought he was in the bathroom until you shouted at him. I think you’re being harsh. He’s apologised. I would just talk to him about it, ask him if it’s happened before. If he really wasn’t sorry, thought it didn’t matter and wouldn’t clean it up then yes I’d dump him. But he said he didn’t know/didn’t do it on purpose, he has cleaned it up and apologised. What more do you want?!

Echoing the poster who said have we woken up in Stepford? Poor bloke??? WTF?

Why are there so many man apologists on this thread? I’m sickened.

I do wonder how some if the posters on here cope if everything is such a ltb drama to them.

We ‘cope’ by weeding out the shit men at the first signs of any red flags, and only letting the decent ones across the threshold.

We ‘cope’ by then going on to have fulfilling, mutually satisfying relationships with adult men, not men-children.

We ‘cope’ by not being the ones who flood the relationship / AIBU boards, lamenting how unhappy we are because of our feckless, useless partners/husbands don’t know how to support in running a house / be a genuine team / good father / good husband, etc, etc.

We cope just fine. It’s the people who post these threads ^^ who I wonder how they cope. But this thread sure is providing some insights.

Well said, @LimeRedBanana! Anyone who regularly reads the MN relationships board and comes away with the impression that women are too harsh on their male partners, and that their standards are too high, frankly wants their head examining. I am constantly open-mouthed at the shit that women put up with from their partners.

Why are there so many man apologists on this thread? I’m sickened.

I think we were brigaded by incels.

@LimeRedBanana

I do wonder how some if the posters on here cope if everything is such a ltb drama to them.

We ‘cope’ by weeding out the shit men at the first signs of any red flags, and only letting the decent ones across the threshold.

We ‘cope’ by then going on to have fulfilling, mutually satisfying relationships with adult men, not men-children.

We ‘cope’ by not being the ones who flood the relationship / AIBU boards, lamenting how unhappy we are because of our feckless, useless partners/husbands don’t know how to support in running a house / be a genuine team / good father / good husband, etc, etc.

We cope just fine. It’s the people who post these threads ^^ who I wonder how they cope. But this thread sure is providing some insights.

Bit smug there I've known of many men who start off the perfect man then turn out to be absolute wankers/cheats/have a pretty much double life

The very few women here who want to hold men to higher standards have given me some hope that the world is not quite as fucked as I thought it might be.

Fucking hell, some of the rest of you need to get a grip. You can function without a man.

@lazylinguist

Well said, *@LimeRedBanana*! Anyone who regularly reads the MN relationships board and comes away with the impression that women are too harsh on their male partners, and that their standards are too high, frankly wants their head examining. I am constantly open-mouthed at the shit that women put up with from their partners.

Totally agree with you. The OP's chap is disgusting, I would get far away ASAP. Dirty rat

Bit smug there
I've known of many men who start off the perfect man then turn out to be absolute wankers/cheats/have a pretty much double life

And you know what? That could well turn out to be me - after 20 content years together, with DH moving to the other side of the world for me, he could well have a double life on the go, or cheat on me - never say never.

But it does not negate the main point - sorting the wheat from the chaff early on, at the first sign of behaviour you don’t like, is never going to be bad advice.

And to add - I’ve known many men to be kind, decent, hard working, caring, loving, great Dads and husbands until they die. In fact, that’s pretty much all I know.

There’s plenty of the them out there. It’s not some predestined fact of life that women have to put up with absolute shit, just because the poor idiots can’t do any better.

That’s just not true.

I am thankful my DS has good role models in the men around him (his Dad, uncles, granddads, Dads of his friends and friends of his Dad). And I am even more grateful that my DD knows what good looks like. I sure did.

I would never allow him to stay over night again as i suspect this wasn’t the first time he’s done this or something similar, possibly due to sleepwalking. I certainly wouldn’t be able to look at him the same way or be able to get that image out of my head.

@beastlyslumber

Why are there so many man apologists on this thread? I’m sickened.

I think we were brigaded by incels.

Think you’re right

Loads of men do this. I’ve had two boyfriends and my kids’ dad who have done it.

Even my 11 year old has done it. Twice.

It’s infuriating as it stinks!!!!!!!

All I can say is, if you decide not to end it, beware that if you have kids with him, they’ll probably do it too!

It has to do with not really waking up, just like a sleep walking pee. One ex-boyfriend told me he opened the wardrobe door thinking it was the bathroom door and peed in the wardrobe.

@LimeRedBanana hilarious!

@ilovehalloumi, I'm female and have actually done this!!! Gosh I'd forgotten until reading your post. Woke up in the night whilst staying with cousins to go to the loo, went back to bed, only to wake up to a mysterious puddle in the middle of the hallway. Turns out I'd walked the same distance as it would have taken me to get to the loo at my place, assumed I was in the loo, and peed. Basically sleep walked/peed. I hadn't been drinking, I'd never done it before and haven't since. You'd think the different squatting level, different sound of wee on the floor etc would have woken me, but no.
The brain is a weird organ and sometimes hard to understand. I was naturally mortified but luckily wasn't made to feel an idiot over it.
The embarrassment was enough as it took a while to work out what had actually happened. Luckily no carpet so easier to clean.
I know you were shocked as this isn't 'normal' behavior and the alcohol didn't help. He would have been utterly embarrassed and went into defense mode. Hope you give him a chance as he sounds like a good guy.

He was sleep walking. He's hardly decided to go gor a puss in the corner for the crack of it.

Meanwhile, you've watched him do it and are now sat in bed with a puddle sinking into the floor, apparently fretting about your daughter stepping in a puddle. You should if either cleaned it up or woke him up to get him to do it for goodness sake.

To be honest, I think your reaction to this is more telling then his. It's gross to just leave it there, it's gross that it happened but he is hardly doing it in full knowledge of it.

Imagine if you did something weird whilst sleepwalking?

Those men who think they are in the bathroom when they are actually peeing in rhe wardrobe or the corner of the room - aren't their brains alerted to the fact that they aren't by the fact they didn't have to lift the toilet seat or lid before they starting to wee? Or do they all live in homes where the seat and lid are always up so they just stand in front of the toilet and start to wee? The ones who are described a lifting a sofa cushion or lid of a laundry basket sort of make sense as I guess their sleeping brain thinks that's the toilet seat/lid.

@ilovehalloumi

A few people articulating my feelings better than I am on this thread.

I do really like him, if he had cleaned it up of his own accord and properly apologised, I would have probably put it down to a one off and let it go.

His reaction has pissed me off FAR more than the act.

@ilovehalloumi have you actually told him that?

Relationships need communication. He's embarrassed over something he was aware he was doing at the time, confused and hungover. He probably thinks you're mad at the peeing.

What's really bothering you though is his lack of accountability. Talk to him calmly.

I think it's stupid to ditch a great relationship over a mistake the bloke doesn't know he's making

@emmskie03

I agree with you. OP has hardly covered herself in glory here. It’s stupid to leave the wee-soaked carpet for hours while fuming about it. It is unfair to get furious about something the boyfriend did unwittingly.

@RichardMarxisinnocent. My DS does this quite a lot - fortunately I am usually able guide him to the toilet before he has peed on anything! But he is totally and utterly oblivious, basically in a trance-like state. He has attempted to see on a carpet, on a bed, in a drawer, in a pedal bin, all sorts. I don’t think the brain works in a rational way at all in that state.

@LimeRedBanana

Bit smug there I've known of many men who start off the perfect man then turn out to be absolute wankers/cheats/have a pretty much double life

And you know what? That could well turn out to be me - after 20 content years together, with DH moving to the other side of the world for me, he could well have a double life on the go, or cheat on me - never say never.

But it does not negate the main point - sorting the wheat from the chaff early on, at the first sign of behaviour you don’t like, is never going to be bad advice.

Good point

It's not great but its common to do when drunk, I think if your thinking of ending it over thus your either not that invested or will not beable to handle other stumbling blocks that might occur in the future

I think for me it depends if its happened to him before.

If not and it was just a combination of being drunk, away from home and circumstances like tiredness or stress or something then I think I could let it go.

If it has happened more than once and he knows theres a chance that it could happen again if he is drunk, then he shouldn't get drunk and stay at your house, and I'd be mad that he had taken that chance without my knowledge.

Being drunk isnt a defence if we know the consequences. You know its dangerous to drive or operate machinery or take certain pills when drunk so you dont do it. I know this is more serious than pissing but the principle is the same. Similarly if you know that you always end up crying when you're drunk or throwing up or being aggressive then you shouldn't get drunk with your friends and ruin their night. If it happens as a one off though because of other circumstances then that's easier to forgive. In my opinion

@SylvanasWindrunner

Presumably he wasn't aware he was doing it? It's not like he was purposefully pissing in your room. If he was sleepwalking or something then it's not really his fault 🤷‍♀️ It might not have been something that's ever happened to him before.

Obviously it's gross but kicking him out? Just get him to clean it and I expect he'll be mortified.

Exactly

I have twice had women empty their bladders when asleep in bed. Both times I only knew when I woke up in the morning.
Of course I had that "I don't believe you did that!" reaction, but really there is little you can do but get on with cleaning it up (fresh bedding, air the mattress and turn it over). I cannot remember being too angry as these thing happen, although I haven"t done it myself.

There is always a reason, the first lady had a fever, and the second was just plain drunk. I never considered this is a reason for breaking a relationship.