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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
pangolina · 10/09/2021 23:22

I think if the kids want to go they should be allowed to go.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/09/2021 23:23

It’s not unreasonable for him to want the children for a school holiday, after all they have two parents.
If the children don’t want to go, then that should be their choice as long it’s because they don’t actually want to go rather than doing it because they know you don’t want to give him the time.

Embracelife · 10/09/2021 23:24

I cannot see any reason why they cannot go on holiday with their dad.
They are not tiny children
They already spend time with him
No heavy exams.
Encourage them to go if they wish.
Take some time to yourself
Breathe
Say sure no problem
He can pay for tests and passports

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 10/09/2021 23:25

Sounds fine to me, I don't see what the fuss is about. I'm sure the kids would enjoy it

Feelingoktoday · 10/09/2021 23:26

I’m not seeing a problem apart from you coming across jealous of them going away with their father. Just let them go. It will be a one off. You can go away somewhere with a girlfriend. A court wouldn’t stop him unless there was history. They will have fun.

KeyboardWorriers · 10/09/2021 23:26

If he has never taken them before then just let them go this time

Sleepinghyena · 10/09/2021 23:27

So he has never taken them away on his own, and now he is wanting to and you are livid?
YABU

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:30

I've clearly said ds1 doesn't want to go. I don't see at all why I lose an entire holiday with them when there's time enough to share, which is what we have always done up to now and it's whatever suits him the rest of the time.

Regardless of there being no big exams they shouldn't be risking missing school, especially ds1 in Y10.

OP posts:
CassandraTrotter · 10/09/2021 23:31

If one wants to go, he takes one.

If the other doesn't, the other stays.

Strangevipers · 10/09/2021 23:32

Shocked. As there is no issue here.

He is the children's father he has every right to take his children on holiday.

Surely you should be thrilled he wants to and encouraging your children to go and have a great time bonding with their dad.

Hekatestorch · 10/09/2021 23:33

Taking them for 2 weeks/ whole school holidays as a one off, I don't think is a big deal.

Its not like he wants to take them all Christmas.

If ds1 is saying no, can they go for a week. He can stay for 2 and they can fly back at the end if the first week.

Embracelife · 10/09/2021 23:34

There will be plenty other holidays
Say sure you take them two weeks now.
I ll take them two weeks at easter.

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:35

Why on earth would I be thrilled when he is taking the easy option as usual? He's never taken them before because he's gone just after the school holidays rather than saving/sacrificing/ working a 'proper' job so he could afford to take them. Now he finally wants to because money has dropped in his lap, but it's still the holiday that best suits him. Him taking ds2 alone for two weeks would be a fucking disaster. Though actually ds2 hasn't got a valid passport so that's highly unlikely to happen anyway.

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 10/09/2021 23:36

I'd put your bitterness aside and let one/both of your dcs to go on holiday with their dad.

KeyboardWorriers · 10/09/2021 23:36

Are you sure your DS wasn't just saying that because they saw your reaction?

Because DSD has admitted to us that she said no to a school trip a couple of years ago even though she really wanted to go on it (and we would have paid) just because she could hear in her mum's voice that her mum didn't approve of it

Hekatestorch · 10/09/2021 23:36

It seems you are a bit upset this money has 'fallen' in his lap.

No one is saying he has been wonderful. But I still don't get the huge issue.

Tell him you will have them all/most of Christmas.

JaniceBattersby · 10/09/2021 23:37

Have you asked him to go just for one week?

MovingtoEssex · 10/09/2021 23:37

I agree with you @MrsBede.
Teacher too and absolutely need holiday time with my kids for fun stuff.
Going for a week seems reasonable - have some downtime yourself, get all your prep done then enjoy a proper week off.
Abroad this year is bonkers though.
We have several kids missing at my school due to travel to green list places in the last week of summer hols. It's really not worth the catching up time afterwards.

Hankunamatata · 10/09/2021 23:38

Obviously there are way deeper issues than him wanting to take them on holiday. I dont think he is selfish for wanting to take them for 2 weeks holiday.

PercyPiginaWig · 10/09/2021 23:38

@MrsBede

I've clearly said ds1 doesn't want to go. I don't see at all why I lose an entire holiday with them when there's time enough to share, which is what we have always done up to now and it's whatever suits him the rest of the time.

Regardless of there being no big exams they shouldn't be risking missing school, especially ds1 in Y10.

Kids are missing school all the time because they keep getting sent home, I don't think it's any riskier to go on holiday.

If DC1 wants to return earlier they could come home as an unaccompanied minor.

You sound quite overzealous about this, it's one holiday.
If they go and don't enjoy it they won't go back.

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:38

Yes, I'm sure ds1 doesn't want to go. He is very school-focused and was right there when I opened the text and said it before I even spoke.

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 10/09/2021 23:40

What about being pleased for your kids that their Dad wants to spend time with them and is planning to use his windfall to fund a family holiday?

You sound jealous and bitter. I'm sure he is an A grade shit and probably hasn't been father of the year either but this is about your kids not him.

Theunamedcat · 10/09/2021 23:41

You dont need to force your child to go if they don't want to but if they do and its shit he is stuck on holiday with moaning children not you

seaandsandcastles · 10/09/2021 23:41

YABU. Your bitterness doesn’t belong here; you need to do what’s best for the children.

If they want to go, they go.

And make sure you’re not the reason DS1 doesn’t want to go; he will be able to pick up on your feelings even if you don’t explicitly say them so I suspect that’s the reason for his instant “no”.

You need to put your own wants aside here. It’s not about you.

velvetstar · 10/09/2021 23:42

I think you're getting some strange answers tonight OP. I can entirely see why you wouldn't want the whole two weeks to be taken up with a holiday abroad that DC will likely not enjoy then they're returned to you just in time for the new school term to start. Reconnecting during holidays is really important - one week each seems fair if your DC want to go.

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