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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
gardeninggirl68 · 11/09/2021 00:03

you said that a kid had no valid passport....hence the abroad question

not odd at all!! the 'odd' part is your life situation here, but each to their own....you sound bitter.not a good look

doodleygirl · 11/09/2021 00:04

You seem very angry and I am sure you have good reason to be, however no matter how mad you are at your ex it really is your role to make it easy for your kids to be brought up within a split household.

As soon as you got that text you should have taken a breath and thought about it before discussing with your kids, they will know how much you despise your ex and they will pick that up from you.

Big it up, encourage them to go, it really will be for the best interests of them if they have good relationships with both of you. Im sure this will be hard but its so worth it.

Original poster
MrsBede · 11/09/2021 00:04

No, I haven't got 11 other weeks to reconnect as he / they will obviously want to spend a good portion of those weeks together (gigs permitting, obviously).

He has eow (Thurs - Sun) plus the other Thurs and it's stress free time. Obviously, sometime he chooses not to have this time. He's not running a house (rents a house here but spends all other time at his dm's in another city) or planning lessons/marking books when he has them.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/09/2021 00:05

Christ, please put the children first here (above how bitter you admit to feeling).

He only asked a question. Let the child who wants to go, go.

It's no fun growing up with warring parents, and tends to really fuck children up emotionally.

Original poster
MrsBede · 11/09/2021 00:06

you said that a kid had no valid passport....hence the abroad question

Yes, no valid one, in that he has an old one that I'm not renewing until travel abroad looks like a risk-free option.

OP posts:
seaandsandcastles · 11/09/2021 00:06

No, it’s not bullshit, OP. You are understandably bigger, resentful, jealous and angry, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is their equal parent.

When they are with him it’s up to him what they do and where they go. It really is none of your business because there are no safeguarding concerns.

EasterIssland · 11/09/2021 00:08

You’re making it a lot about you and not about the kids. Why would if be a fucking disaster if ds2 wanted to go ? As others have said it’s a one off.

Passport wise. I’m pretty sure you could make it work and get a new one if you wanted to.

Currently there is also no self isolation when traveling from Italy for the kids. So another problem solved

Hekatestorch · 11/09/2021 00:09

I am aware teachers work very hard. I think they really do.

But there's plenty of people who work just as hard or harder than teachers, have much less holidays and don't need 'reconnection' time every school holiday.

I think a week would be a good compromise. But also don't think 2 weeks....as a one off is a big deal either.

But you don't want a week out of the country either.

EasterIssland · 11/09/2021 00:09

@MrsBede

you said that a kid had no valid passport....hence the abroad question

Yes, no valid one, in that he has an old one that I'm not renewing until travel abroad looks like a risk-free option.

So you’re refusing the kids to go abroad forever as there will always be risks . End of. It’s not about the kids. You’re being selfish.
Lorw · 11/09/2021 00:11

Choose your battles OP, if you block him on this he could block you when it comes to you wanting to take them abroad, maybe discuss and compromise on a week? 😁

KeyboardWorriers · 11/09/2021 00:11

Your ex can renew the passport if he wants to.

If they are going into school every day and mixing with unvaccinated teenagers then I cannot possibly see how foreign travel increases their risk.

Moonbabysmum · 11/09/2021 00:11

Yes, no valid one, in that he has an old one that I'm not renewing until travel abroad looks like a risk-free option.

Well your ex can just apply instead 🤷‍♀️

This feels like it is all about your bitterness and what you want, not about your children. It's a one off, and you can perhaps have the whole of another half term and take them away yourself.

And i agree with the majority that it's not your business where they go (within reason - italy = fine, perhaps avoid Afghanistan)

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 00:12

Him taking ds2 alone for two weeks would be a fucking disaster.
For whom?

ElleEmDee · 11/09/2021 00:13

Can you send them with him for a week then he puts them on a plane to fly home by themselves? He can stay on as long as he likes and you get the second week with them.

mobear · 11/09/2021 00:14

You sound really bitter and controlling. This shouldn't be a big deal.

MimosaFields · 11/09/2021 00:16

You sound so incredibly bitter! You are denying your children the opportunity to go to a nice place with their father just because you can't stand the man. You are coming up with ridiculous excuses. Your children will eventually realise and hate you for denying them the opportunity of getting closer to their dad. They will not remember the times he cancelled, or whatever else you are bitter about.

Original poster
MrsBede · 11/09/2021 00:23

Easterisland Yes of course I'm not renewing the passport for him - why on earth should I?

seaandsandcastles while I see your point to an extent, you have completely ignored the point that I would be dealing with any fallout if they had to isolate. Does that not make it my business a little bit?

I have put up with everything over the years and not badmouthed him at all, though he has me and he also refuses to communicate properly, putting ds1 in the middle, which he hates. Him taking ds1 alone would be a disaster as they have less of a bond as ex favours ds1. I've had threads about him taking ds1 to cricket and leaving ds1 out. I don't trust him on his own for 2 weeks, especially abroad. There's no precedent.

I also fail to see how he could ever block me from going.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 11/09/2021 00:23

You literally just described something nice and then said "I think it's completely unacceptable." YABU.

EasterIssland · 11/09/2021 00:25

@DroopyClematis
You’re not doing it for him. You’re doing it for your kids at Least for the one that would love to go and you’re refusing him to go. You won’t disappoint the father but your own kids

EasterIssland · 11/09/2021 00:25

Sorry not sure why I tagged the wrong person. That was for @MrsBede

Original poster
MrsBede · 11/09/2021 00:27

Why do people say things like it's a nice place when I've clearly said it's not that nice, there's not a lot there. The friend of ex's has no kids. It'll be pretty dull and ds1 will struggle without ds1 there.

OP posts:
essieestherson · 11/09/2021 00:30

You're describing both your boys as DS1

PieMistee · 11/09/2021 00:30

Ignore your emotions, the understandable annoyance that he has been not paying properly for his DC or stepping up. Focus on what is best for your DC. Is a holiday that could improve relationship with their Dad more important than a week of school or not? You missing out on them is not relevant really, all that matter is your DCs well being.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 11/09/2021 00:34

You sound worse and worse with each response, OP. I feel really sorry for your children that you are letting your own bitterness poison their relationship with their dad. I understand that he is not father of the year - but this trip has the potential to help their relationship and you just want to precent it, with frankly pathetic excuses.

Mamanyt · 11/09/2021 00:37

IF they did not have to isolate on return, and IF they both wanted to go, I'd say YABU. However...there is every chance that they would need to isolate (thereby missing school), and DS1 has already said that he does not want to go. And you mention that this is an area where there likely would not be much for the kids to do.