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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
Moonlitdoor · 11/09/2021 05:59

OP I think your concerns are justified. I would be worried about what they will do on the holiday. You say it's not touristy so will their dad drive them to do some sightseeing elsewhere? Do his friends have a nice place with stuff to do?

I mean if they are just going to be hanging around his friends house I can see them getting bored. Do his friends speak English?

TatianaBis · 11/09/2021 06:02

If we were not in the middle of a pandemic I’d say suck it up and let them go. It will be good for them to spend time in Italy.

But in a pandemic it’s perfectly reasonable to have concerns about kids travelling abroad, particularly with the issue of quarantine on return. Many people have chosen to staycation this year as result.

That’s ok. Just make sure you let him take them another time.

peachycream31 · 11/09/2021 06:16

Talk to the children. Don't load the question. See who wants to go and for how long. This has to fit around quarantining, too. They can't miss school

Maybe they both go for a week and DS2 stays a second week?

Keep the money issues separate. Now he's rich, take advice and apply for more support from him. I agree it shouldn't be he's now rich and doing holidays for his pleasure but not contributing well to daily costs.

Living costs first. Holiday second.

Wole · 11/09/2021 06:17

All he did was ask. You said no. What's the big deal?!

If DS2 wants to go then I'd think about it. Maybe you could suggest just the one week.

Wole · 11/09/2021 06:18

And you need to ignore the fact he's had an inheritance. As long as he's paying the maintenance he's owed it has nothing to do with you. Maybe go through CMS for a proper calculation if you haven't already.

erictries · 11/09/2021 06:18

Yabu.
Let their father reconnect with them for once.
The problem is that your dislike for your ex husband is coming across really strongly in this post. Can't imagine how that translates into real life. But I suspect your poor kids will be afraid to show any enthusiasm for the trip around you, and will feel guilty and torn. Don't do that to them. Encourage them instead.
Plus they are still young and if they do miss any school, they will catch up easily. It's not an exam year. They'll only need to isolate if they get Covid. They are more likely to pick that up at school rather than holiday

Ellerehj · 11/09/2021 06:20

I can see why you're frustrated. I hate it when my shitty parent of an ex wants to take my DS away. But I've never denied him because I just want what's best for DS.
I say let him take them, he will probably cock it all up, the kids will realise the holiday was never about them and definitely not want to go next time.

That's what happened in my experience anyway! I'd take the opportunity to get some R&R for yourself as it might not happen again 😅 good luck whatever the outcome is

Shoxfordian · 11/09/2021 06:26

I don’t think you’re unreasonable

He doesn’t seem to usually make much effort but now he wants to take them potentially out of school and to a country they may have to self isolate from during the pandemic. They’re too young to be vaccinated. Maybe a compromise would be a shorter break in the UK he could take them on

Fernando072020 · 11/09/2021 06:37

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes
OP: NO I'M NOT!

Rubyupbeat · 11/09/2021 06:39

They are his kids as much as yours, why is it for you not to allow. You would be raging if he said the same to you.

NoHunGosh · 11/09/2021 06:45

I think you are right to be concerned. All over 12s need proof of vaccination to do anything in Italy now - enter museums, galleries, bars, restaurants, swimming pools, cinemas, local fairs etc Not a lot of fun if your kids are unvaccinated. Add in the fact that airlines are continually cancelling/rescheduling flights, then there is a fair chance that they would end up missing school (my family have just had to extend their trip from 2 weeks to 1 month because of their return flight being cancelled and no other availability). It's nice that your ex wants to take them on holiday but I don't think half-term in Italy would be the right choice.

Joystir59 · 11/09/2021 06:46

They are 12 and 14, they are growing up and they will soon be off doing their own things and living their own lives. You are creating an issue where there isn't one. Let them go (one or both, as they wish) and enjoy reconnecting with yourself at half term

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 11/09/2021 06:47

2 weeks is too long for kids. Also what if they have to isolate for 10 days on return?

Buntings90 · 11/09/2021 06:47

I don't think you're being unreasonable op. I certainly wouldn't want my children going abroad at the moment. We're still very much in the pandemic. If the October holiday is 2 weeks you should absolutely share this time with your ex. Why should you be denied quality down time with your children too? I know it's tricky navigating your way through co parenting but stick to what you feel is right for your kids. Maybe suggest to your ex that a weeks holiday in the UK somewhere would be something kids would enjoy as a compromise.

Wole · 11/09/2021 06:48

He's had an inheritance and wants to spend some of it on treating his kids. That's a perfectly normal thing to do, and it may be a nice way to honor the person who died.

Wole · 11/09/2021 06:48

But yes split holidays 50/50

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 11/09/2021 06:51

It’s not what you think or want, it’s up to the kids!

Whattheflecker · 11/09/2021 06:51

I think you need to take a bit of time to get your head straight. Really sensible approach when dealing with a flaky ex is to not respond straight away but to respond when calm.

You need to unpick the issue, lots of parents only have one half term week and alternate between them so the kids get a holiday. So no down town for one parent but it's only 6 weeks till Christmas.

If the issue is isolation (or DS1's anxiety so potentially 4 weeks away from you) that's different and reasonable to be concerned.

But you need to compromise, if not this time then another time.

Whattheflecker · 11/09/2021 06:52

Down time!

Plumtree391 · 11/09/2021 06:54

Your eldest doesn't want to go and has given a good reason. However I don't understand why you are 'livid' about your ex husband's suggestion. He has come into some money and wants to treat his children, surely that's a nice thing.

I get that you have your reasons for feeling as you do but I'm not sure they are valid. This really is not about you, it's about your kids.

Fair enough if one or both do not want to go on holiday with their dad for their own reasons but please don't let it be because you are cross about it.

Honestly, most people would be glad to have two weeks without their children - they are not babies who are going to fret for their mum! It would be two weeks for you to do as you please. There are plenty of other holiday periods for you to enjoy them on your own.

Leave it up to your boys to make the decision and stop being so obviously bitter. That will cause more damage to you than to it will to your ex husband.

GrandmasCat · 11/09/2021 06:54

I’m on two minds about this.

I really don’t think that the children would be affected for missing “reconnecting” with the parent they spend the majority of time with, especially as it is such a one off holiday.

But with a flaky parent I would be more worried about him neglecting the kids while he is catching up with his family and friends.

Holly60 · 11/09/2021 06:57

@Oceanbliss

^^Exactly, because you are their parent all the time not just when you have the children with you. In Australia a parent can’t take their children abroad without the permission of the other parent. Even a resident parent needs permission from the non resident parent. That’s because both parents are responsible for their kids. How ridiculous that anyone would believe that it’s none of your business what the other parent does with your kids when they are with him. There are some decisions that actually do need both parents involvement.

Presumably then, if OP were in Australia, she would have to get permission from the boys’ father every time she wanted to take them abroad. In which case it would not be in her best interests (or theirs) to be oppositional over this? Would be concerning that it could get into a bit of a tit for tat situation…

Snookie00 · 11/09/2021 07:01

Why bother asking the question? You’ve clearly made up your mind and your bitterness and anger towards your ex is driving your decision. You’re not putting your kids first but im sure you’ll find some fellow mumsnet cheerleaders who also share your resentment towards their exes to encourage you.

Darbs76 · 11/09/2021 07:04

It’s not unreasonable when you have had primary custody for so long, I’m sure he could argue that you’ve had plenty of time over the years. Assume they won’t need to isolate anyway now?

SGDCant · 11/09/2021 07:05

It's sounds as though you have an issue with the money- he obviously didn't take them away before because it would cost more money. Now he has some he wants to spend it on his children. You should be pleased that he is prioritising his children and perhaps he just wants to go away. It sounds like you're more worried about them going away from you for 2 weeks and you losing control of them. Why is he selfish when he wants to spend time with them? No matter where they are. It sounds as though you are jealous of the money because you don't get to spend it, the time away from you, and what it is doing to you. When in fact it's for the children. It also sounds like the children are more concerned about your reactions to these situations then their own. It doesn't matter whether the children want to go or not their father has the right to take them away and you shouldn't be undermining his relationship with them you should be supportive. In the long run holding on to resentment abs bitterness and jealousy will only impact the children.

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