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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to take dc on this holiday?

487 replies

MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:20

They are 12 &14 and in the 7 years since we split he has never taken them on holiday alone, though they've been twice in the UK when his dm organised it. Now he's inherited a substantial sum and messaged me tonight asking if he could take them away in October half-term. I asked which dates (they have 2 weeks off) and he said all of it as he wants to go abroad.

Ds1 was sitting next to me at the time and immediately said no as he really doesn't want to miss any school if he had to isolate on return. I messaged back to that effect but I'm livid he would take them for the full two weeks. I have never taken them so that he hasn't had them at all in any one holiday and I think it's unacceptable. He has them one night a week and eow, but often cancels if he has a gig. Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher). Just why should he think he should have the full holiday?

The other thing that really annoys me is he goes to Italy to visit friends every autumn and many a time when they were younger this has put me in the shit with child care as he does it at short notice. He obviously just wants to take them there and it's two weeks as that's how long he wants to go for, It's not a touristy place, there's not a lot there and they don't know his friends. I just think it's an utterly selfish idea and he's not replied to my text, which has put me on edge and I know ds is also worried about having said no. Ds2 doesn't see why they couldn't go. AIBU to think he's a selfish prick?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:43

I am pissed off about the money, yes. I had to add £17k to my mortgage to buy him out, will have to give him £10k when ds2 is 21 and he paid no CM for 6 years and then started paying £130 per month after being taken to court. He buys them nothing and has sent them home in filthy/outgrown/season inappropriate clothing as he won't buy any. Yes I'm bitter.

Obviously, that doesn't mean he can't take them away and a week in this country somewhere would be fine.

OP posts:
MissyMooKins · 10/09/2021 23:43

Yabu op. He only asked you a question. He didn't demand to take them. He asked if he was allowed, if it would be ok. You said no. What's the problem?

seaandsandcastles · 10/09/2021 23:44

Obviously, that doesn't mean he can't take them away and a week in this country somewhere would be fine.

It’s not up to you where he takes them.

MissyMooKins · 10/09/2021 23:45

You sound put out that he hasn't invited you or something.

Original poster
MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:47

@seaandsandcastles

Obviously, that doesn't mean he can't take them away and a week in this country somewhere would be fine.

It’s not up to you where he takes them.

I don't agree. Going abroad is a risky decision in the current situation and I don't think a nrp, especially a flaky one like him, should get the final say in it. I'd be the one helping them catch up with schooling and reassuring ds1 etc, not him.
OP posts:
Tvci5 · 10/09/2021 23:47

You really need to sit back and think who you are punishing here.
As they live with you is two weeks really that terrible? They will remember you were the one to put the breaks on them going

CiaoForNiao · 10/09/2021 23:47

Yanbu imo. He does none of the day to day graft then gets to swoop in a whisk them away on a lovely holiday. Nah.
If it was 1 week then yes fine. But why shouldn't you get any down time with them at all.

cadburyegg · 10/09/2021 23:47

YABU I think.... all this time he hasn't been able to take them on holiday and now he finally can you want to prevent it? Can't you agree on a week as a compromise?

Original poster
MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:48

@MissyMooKins

You sound put out that he hasn't invited you or something.
Yeah, right Confused.
OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 10/09/2021 23:48

So you will only be happy if its a week, in this country?

In October?

I am not sure I am buying the 'teachers need to reconnect with their kids' every holiday.

Loads of us have jobs that are full on and still manage to stay connected to our kids, with only 5/6 weeks annual leave.

AnneElliott · 10/09/2021 23:48

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time op. I don't see why he gets the whole holiday and leaves you with the boring parenting shit during term time.

Can you offer 1 week?

LalalalalalaLand123 · 10/09/2021 23:48

What comes across loud and clear is that this is not about a two-week holiday to Italy - there are a lot of issues, bitterness, anger, baggage, etc on your part underlying your response here. You cant make all that go away - but i really think you need to put them to one side and think of what's best for kids right now. What that is, is not for me to say, but youve got to stop letting your personal feelings towards this man determine your assessment of his involvement with the children that you both share.

Original poster
MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:50

all this time he hasn't been able to take them on holiday and now he finally can you want to prevent it? Can't you agree on a week as a compromise?

He has been able to. if it was a priority he could have made different choices and taken them. He's only doing it now because it's possible with zero effort on his part. As I said, a week here would be fine.

OP posts:
Winter121 · 10/09/2021 23:51

Why should the ex just pick the good bits ?
Of course he shouldn’t get kids the full holidays unless it suited you both !

seaandsandcastles · 10/09/2021 23:52

I don't agree. Going abroad is a risky decision in the current situation and I don't think a nrp, especially a flaky one like him, should get the final say in it. I'd be the one helping them catch up with schooling and reassuring ds1 etc, not him.

It doesn’t matter whether or not you agree. It doesn’t matter that he’s the NRP.

He’s as much their parent as you are, and what he does and where he takes them when he has them are none of your business.

gardeninggirl68 · 10/09/2021 23:54

you want to be the first to take them abroad then?

Original poster
MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:55

It doesn’t matter whether or not you agree. It doesn’t matter that he’s the NRP. He’s as much their parent as you are, and what he does and where he takes them when he has them are none of your business.

Well ,that's total bullshit. Of course it's my business where they go Confused. Especially as I will be dealing with the consequences if they have to isolate. And, sorry, he's not as much their parent as I am. I mean he is, of course, but in reality he's done a fraction of the parenting I have and while it doesn't mean he can't take them on holiday, it does mean he doesn't get an equal say because he sure as hell hasn't taken equal responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBede · 10/09/2021 23:56

@gardeninggirl68

you want to be the first to take them abroad then?
What an odd post Confused.

I've taken them abroad multiple times and we all went before the split.

OP posts:
Strangevipers · 10/09/2021 23:58

Term time is full on and we need the holiday time to reconnect (I'm a teacher).

Just thinking can you reconnect on the Christmas holidays , Easter holidays , half terms , every other weekend and every morning and evening before and after school and let their dad reconnect with the children this one holiday ?

Original poster
MrsBede · 11/09/2021 00:00

Yeah, he can reconnect for one week and I will for the other.

OP posts:
SofiaMichelle · 11/09/2021 00:01

YABU

You get 11 other weeks of the year to 'reconnect' with them.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 11/09/2021 00:01

I'm sorry OP, but seaandsandcastles is right - it's not your business where he takes them whilst they are with him. He is their parent. You can't dictate what he does with them. I mean this gently OP. Your anger is clouding your judgment.

MissAmbrosia · 11/09/2021 00:02

They are teenagers? Do they want to go or not? The rest is just angst.I am sure he is shit. My dad was totally shit but I still loved him and would have loved this opportunity.

Muchasgracias · 11/09/2021 00:02

YANBU. It’s not like he’s booked a holiday they’ve dreamed about. He’s shoehorning them in to suit his plans. Tell him he can have a week and that he can chat to the DC about what they would like to do. And at this stage you quite rightly aren’t ignoring the possibility of post-holiday isolation/homeschooling etc…which you would have to deal with.
It sounds like he’s been a fairly crap co-parent to date so I understand your annoyance with all this.

KeyboardWorriers · 11/09/2021 00:03

If your ex decided to go to court I think the court would view your arguments less favourably than his.

And yes I know how shit it is do all the hard work and then dad waltzes in and takes them off for a holiday.